Yet another humor file
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"Fuck Valentines Day"
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before i shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So heres my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!
--------------------
A Young man wanted to impress his new sweetheart
with just the right Valentine's Day gift. They
had not been dating long, but he was certain he was
in love. After careful consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic,
but not too personal for a new romance.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, the young
man went shopping and selected a pair of white gloves.
Without the young man's knowledge, the sweetheart's
sister discreetly selected a pair of panties for herself.
At the checkout, the clerk accidentally switched the items.
Unknowingly, the sweetheart's sister left the store with
the package containing the gloves while the young man
headed for the gift wrapping department with the package
containing the panties. Without checking the contents
of his package, the young lover selected a beautiful
wrapping paper and left instructions to have
his gift wrapped and delivered along with this note:
My Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. Had
it not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long
ones with buttons. Your sister wears the short ones which
are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade. The helpful sales lady showed
me a pair of the same color she has been wearing for the
past three weeks. They were hardly soiled. I had her try
yours on. They looked very attractive and were so nice to
touch. She gave me this advice to pass on to you... When
you take them off, be sure to blow in them before putting
them away. They will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
I wish I could be there to put these on you for the first
time. No doubt other hands will come in contact with them
before I have the opportunity to see you again. I hope to
kiss these many times during the coming year. It would make
me very happy to see you wearing these for me on Friday night.
All my love!
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a
little fur showing.
--------------------------
Rodeo Style
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".
The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it ?
The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on
all fours and then do it doggy style.
Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward
and whisper in her ear
"Your sister likes this position too."
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.
-----------------------------------------
C++ is like teenage sex
It is on everyone's mind all the time.
Everyone talks about it all the time.
Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
Almost no one is really doing it.
The few who are doing it are:
Doing it poorly.
Sure, it will be better next time.
Not practicing it safely.
Everyone's bragging about their successes all the time, although very
few have actually had any.
_____________________________________
Windows 95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a
2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
_____________________________________________________
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for
the planned Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
off."
11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all
your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the
hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives,
the following message is now required as you save your files in Word.
"Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy
and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you
like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been deleted. The police are on the way.
____________________________________________
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
--------------------------
English phrase
Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!
No Bai Dam Ting!!
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat
You are not very bright
Yu So Dum
I got this for free
Ai No Pei
I am not guilty
Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.
Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived
Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink!
Hu Flung Dung?
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take
off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end
of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues
reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then
he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a
handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if
you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you
removed from this plane.
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very
rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time
I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by
her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you
taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
Newswire
Dixon, IL- Police arrested Jon Terrence McCarter, a 27 year old
white male, resident of Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin
patch at 11:38pm Friday.
McCarter will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch,
he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there
wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse
jail.
McCarter went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with
evident embarrassment.
In the process, McCarter apparently failed to notice the Dixon
Municipal
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's
for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (McCarter) and
he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe
what happened
when she approached McCarter. "I just went up and said, Excuse me
sir,
but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in
the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
Taylor arrested him but said that the suspect accepted his predicament
in good humor. "I have to give him credit... that was a quick
comeback." Taylor said of the man's comment.
Taylor summed up the event with one statement. "Seven years I've been
patrolling this area; this was a first."
---------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 30 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 30 minutes
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says,"Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you've got the remote.
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace,what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme
Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.
HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?"
HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Horse Race
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
~~~~~And they're off~~~~~
Conscience is left behind at the
post. Jockey Shorts and Silk
Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being
pressured. Passionate Lady is
caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a very dangerous
spot.
~~~~~At the Halfway Mark~~~~~
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs
open, and Big Dick is pressed
in. Heavy Bosom is being
pushed hard against Clean
Sheets. Passionate Lady and
Thighs are working hard on
Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under
terrific pressure from Big Dick.
~~~~~At The Stretch:~~~~~
Merry Cherry cracks under thestrain. Big Dick is making a
final drive. Bare Belly is in andPassionate Lady is coming.
~~~~~At The Finish~~~~~
It's Big Dick giving everything
he's got Passionate Lady takeseverything Big Dick has to
offer. It looks like a dead heat
but. Big Dick comes through
with one final thrust.and wins
by a head.
Bare Belly shows.
Thighs weakens.
Heavy Bosom pulls up.
and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
---------------------------------------------
Subject: Eleventh Commandment
Last week a very important meeting took place between God, Moses, and
the Pope. They were troubled because the President of the United
States was behaving in a most inappropriate manner.
They decided the only proper course of action was to create an Eleventh
Commandment. But one problem remained, exactly how to word this
commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy
inspiration.
After great meditation and discussion, they finally got it right...
"THOU SHALT NOT COMFORT THY ROD WITH THY STAFF."
----------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts
dialing numbers ... like a telephone...but on the back of his
hand.
He
then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his
hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdoes here.
The
guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a
phone
installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the
cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it!" So the guy dials up a number and
hands
his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and
carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible," says the
bartender, "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my
wife,
you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender
directs him to the men's room.
The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't
return.
Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the
bartender goes into the men's room. He sees the guy is
spread-eagle
against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of
toilet paper shoved up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are
you
hurt?"
The guy casually turns around, and says "No, I'm OK. I'm just
waiting
for a fax."
------------------------------------------------
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street
and they pass a flower shop where the brunette
happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend
is buying me flowers again for no reason."
The blonde looks at her and says,
"What's the big deal, don't you like
getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure...but I just
don't feel like spending the next
3 days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand
was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said
he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly
suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell
me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his fucking
guide dog bit me."
--------------------
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"
--------------------
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the
edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with
silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on
the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in
place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.
--------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------
An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures
alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When
he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him..." she purrs, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues alluringly,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
-----------------------------------------------------
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a
U.S.naval vessel and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a U.S.Navy ship. I say again
divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert your course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
-----------------------------------------------------
"A Chinese couple get married - and she's a
virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as
her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be
reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten... I
plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What
you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she replies. "You wanna beef with
bloccolli?"..."
--------------------------------------------------------
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
Where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are
represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some
"asscons"?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_e=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
..ooo*"""**ooooo .oo*""*ooo...
. oo*" "*o.oo*" "*o..
. o" 'o" "o
o o *o
.o o 'o
o o o..
o o o..
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
"o o o
o'" o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
"o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,,..oo" o
o. """""" oo """"" .o
'o oo o'
*o oo o
'o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
----------------------------------------------------------------
Mr cucumber and Mr pickle are having a conversation and Mr Pickle says
to Mr cucumber,"You know my life really sucks.
Whenever i get big,fat and juicy,they sprinkle seasonings over me
and stick me in a jar."
So Mr cucumber says,"Yeah,you think that`s bad,whenever i get big,fat
and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."
So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and
says,"You think your life is tough?!
Whenever i get big,fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my
head,stick me in a dark,smelly room,and make me do push ups until i
throw up!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpted from a customer complaint letter sent to The Body Shop:
I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo.
Its eyes bulged out and turned red. If you tested your stuff
on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn't
happen.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his
demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer
in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went
to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he
pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very
similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100%
humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new
man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining.
The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out
his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to
-20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was
confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead
singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.
When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day
in hell-the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!"
------------------------------------------------
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they call someone at work
and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this
person is asked 3 very personal questions (that vary from couple to
couple) and asked for their significant other's name and work phone
number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married"? or what?, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please,
Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that
if it there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm*.
DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us
for a
couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times
I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get
his wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this. (Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones ...*ringing*)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a
couple of hours now
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, awhile anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to
give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules
of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No.
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian.
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer
exactly what Brian has said, then the 2 of you are off to Orlando,
Florida
at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea
World.
Sara: All right.
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian..this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8, I think.
DJ: (sound effect: DING DING DING) Very good. Next question: How long did it
last?
Sara: 12 ... 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is
trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no she didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.
DJ: (long pause) We will be right back. (advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and
these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely
Orlando, Florida.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Memo from a Blonde Y2K Engineer:
=========================================
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any
rate, I have finished converting the months on all of the company
calendars so that the year 2000 is ready and will have the right
months... Januark Februark Mak Julk
Please note that none of the other months have a Y to change to a K.
Geeks
=====
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits
down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of
nerdy. What do you do for a living?" The truck driver says, "I drive a
truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling." The
bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a
beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver said,
totally shocked, "Why did you do that?" The bartender said, "Not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season
now. You don't even need a license."
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up
the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling
several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up
and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver
said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
Low Blow
========
A married couple is driving along when they see a wounded skunk on
the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and
brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be
cold.
"What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs
to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold
its nose."
Another Bill & Hillary
======================
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary`s
hometown.They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a
fill-up.
The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first
couple`s tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger
window.
"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?"
he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple
leaves.
As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at
Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like
if you had married him," he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess
you`d be pumping gas and he would be the President.
Sacred Pet
==========
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog
which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship,
the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s
death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the
church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling
what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to
donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
*Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew*
===================================
1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3) Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
he
can find the perfect present!
5) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer
you don't want to hear.
6) Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7) . Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster
trucks.
8) Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9) Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11) Shopping is not sport.
12) . Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13) You have enough clothes.
14) You have too many shoes.
15) .Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16) Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your
dad's way past idiot.
17) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18) No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19) Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20) Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?
21) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23) Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25) Check your oil.
26) Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27) Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29) Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30) If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
31) If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry,
we meant the other one.
32) Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
33) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - but not both.
35) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37) Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38) Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you
do.
39) Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed
makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us
from reading the magazines.
40) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sony Vaio
=========
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on
its hot new portable PC called the Vaio.
Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of
Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman
Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a
human,
Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that
reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the
impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese
haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error
messages:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao,
until You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
--------------------------------------------
A Matter of Perspective
=======================
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair
smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and
tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains
why.The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with
the coworker telling you your hair smells nice."The woman replies, "He's
a midget."
Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)
===================================================
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
|o||o| android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
Drug dealers vs. Software developers
====================================
Drug dealers Software developers
---------------------------- ----------------------
Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
as "users". as "users".
"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial
version..."
Have important South-East Have important South-East
Asian connections Asian connections
(to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
"Stick" "SCSI"
"Rock" "RTFM"
"Wrap" "Packet"
"E" "C"
"Stash" "Cache"
"Drive by" "CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (LSD)" "Hit (WWW)"
"Source" "Source-code"
"The Pigs" "Microsoft"
Realize that there's Realize that there's
tons of cash in the tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old
market. market.
Your clients really like your Your clients really like your
stuff when it works. When it stuff when it works. When it
doesn't work they want to kill doesn't work they want to kill
you. you.
Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by the
industry producing industry producing
newer, more potent product. newer, more potent products.
Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of
of pimps, hustlers marketing people, venture
and lowlifes . capitalists and fund managers
When things go wrong, a When things go wrong, a
"fix" is just a phone call "fix" is just a phone call
away but may be expensive away but may be expensive
A lot of successful people A lot of successful people
getting rich in this industry getting rich in this industry
while still teenagers. while still teenagers.
Their product causes Unhealthy addictions-internet,
unhealthy addictions. games, etc.
Do your job well, and Damn. DAMN. DAMN!
you can sleep with sexy movie
stars who depend on you.
(1) A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though
New York City when the daughter noticed some scantily
clad women loitering on a street corner.
"Mommy," the litttle girl asked,
"what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
the mother answered.
"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.
After a stunned silence, the daughter asked,
"Mommy, do hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied,
"where do you think cabbies come from?"
(2)
* Things you may NEED to say to a naked man:
Compared to you, a Ken doll is anatomically correct.
Would you like a pair of tweezers to hold it?
Wait! Let me get the magnifying glass.
Oh, what a cute wee thing. What is it?
When you hold it to pee, don't your fingers get wet?
I've seen bigger dicks on a Tele-Tubby doll.
Are you Jewish? Somebody did a hell of a circumcision on you.
When you "beat your meat," how do you know you're holding
any meat? I know how to make you feel better.
I have the perfect greeting card.
It says, "Sorry I laughed at your dick."
REBUTTAL
--------
* Things not to say to a naked woman
You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You're not 'that' fat.
Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!?
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
* Things NOT to say to a woman while making love
You looked much younger in your photograph.
Oops sorry, wrong hole.
Do you mind if my friends' watch?
Hand me that toothpick - I have an unwanted pubic hair...
Of course that's fully erect!
I promise I won't cum in your mouth!
I didn't know you had three nipples! Oh, it's a zit...
Now you've made my fingers all sticky.
Whadaya mean "use your cock"? That *is* my cock!
Shall I leave the money on the dresser?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get it stuck in your ear.
You're supposed to suck not blooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww!
Maybe I should turn the light out after all.
How the hell can you forget you're on your period?
(3) Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one
day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe
repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that
it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and
tried to remember which of them might have forgotten
to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?"
Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to
the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket
to the man behind the counter. With a face just as
straight, the man said,
"Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the
shop. Two minutes later, the man called out,
"Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific!
Who would have thought they'd still be here after
all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: FW: why did the chicken cross the road
It's A Matter Of Personal Philosophy
====================================
== Why did the chicken cross the road?
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed
the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find
out.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross
the road.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been
told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was an historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end
of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book - and Explorer is an innextricable part of the operating system.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken please?
----------------------------------------------------------------
These are bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:
HONK! If you had sex with the President
Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign!
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery is not a family value
Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
Jail to the Chief
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility
If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.
Save the President: Legalize Perjury
Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail
Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father
------------------------------------------------------
Subject: the Meanings of the "F" Word
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the
English language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical
word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive (Mary was Fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary
really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in
John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with
Mary). It can even be ued as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also
stupid).
As you can see there are very words with the overallversitility of the word
fuck.
Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many
situations:
1. Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud..............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble............."I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Agression........."FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust................"Fuck me."
7. Confusion............." What the fuck....?"
8. Displeasure............"Fucking shit man..."
9. Lost........................"where the fuck are we?"
10.Disbelief.............."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11.Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
12.Apathy................."Who really gives a fuck?"
13.Suspicion............."Who the fuck are you?"
14.Directions.............."Fuck off."
It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......." It's four fucking twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a fucking
asshole."
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshima~
"Thats not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~ JODI ~
"Houston we Have a big fucking problem."
~The crew of Apollo13~
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a
young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.
The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch
for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest .
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either"
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see
one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and
throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just
see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on
the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's
face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated
some of his skin...
However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this
was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends
and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what
he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did
for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time
your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff
is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't
do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
1.How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
2.How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
3.What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
4.What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
5.What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
6.What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
7.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
8.What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10.What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
11.What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
12.What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
13.What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
14.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
15.Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
16.Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
17.Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
18.Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
19.What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
20.What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
21.What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a
1997 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world,
and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and
stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls
up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car
and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a
million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost
so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a
pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in
his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows
down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young
man asks himself
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh!
It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! and it looked
like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh,
Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the
rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there
anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders...
from your side-view mirror..!
This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,
"If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar,
in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add
statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the
poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what
she had inadvertently said (or rather implied). She picked up her
books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was
classic: Totally straight-faced he answered her question.
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness
are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
HOW TO SKIP GRADES
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be
in the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to
the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.
While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's
teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to
answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the
first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The
principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case.
The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think
Johnnie can go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual
wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some
questions before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look
on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that
I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's expected
answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."The principal breathed a sigh of relief and
told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I
missed the last two questions myself!"
Date Night
=--=
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the
doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Freddy.
I'm here to pick up Betty.
We're gonna go eat spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid
standing
there says "Hi, I'm Jim.
I'm here to see Kim.
We're gonna go for a swim.
Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A
kid
standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe.
I'm here to pick up Flo.
We're gonna go to the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A
kid
standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.."
The father shot him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do Lucile Ball and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
They have both had a Cuban in them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the new viagra candy bar?
Oh, Oh, Oh my God, Henry!
PROVERBS FOR THE MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed
him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for
weeks.
A man wanted to prolong his sexual experiences so he went to see a
doctor about it. The doc told him that masturbating before sex
often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of
the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but
that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was
too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to
masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to
orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his
eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while
you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes
ago."
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad
had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow
plow and follow it" Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to
follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of
the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained what her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow,
to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart lot, now you
can follow me over to K-Mart"
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a
ladder
nailing. She'd reach
into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it
over her shoulder or proceed to nail it
into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are
you throwing some of the
nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if
it's pointed toward me I throw it
away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got real excited and called her stupid, explaining,
"Don't throw away those nails
that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the
house!!"
----------
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her
husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband
leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket
and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is
OK
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women
are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks
her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she
was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST
RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear ..... mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One
night they go into their room ....... they kiss and hug and have sex.
(The daughter looks puzzled). That means the daddy puts his penis in
the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's
room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do
that?
Mom: Jewellery, dear.
NOTE: THE FOLLOWING SET CONTAINS MOSTLY POLITICAL JOKES FROM EX-COMMUNIST
COUNTRIES. I APOLOGIZE TO THOSE WHO WILL THINK THEY'RE NOT FUNNY. IN FACT
THEY ARE VERY MUCH SO. ONE JUST HAS TO UNDERSTAND THE CULTURES INSIDE WHICH
THEY WERE CREATED.
Americans land on moon, Brezhnev calls Soviet
cosmonauts and gives an order:
--By the end of this month Soviet spaceship must
land on sun!
-- Ok,comrade General Secretary, but the problem is
that we will burn alive- replied cosmonauts.
-- Do you think we are all studip here in the politburo!
You are going to land there at night! replied Brezhev
Walesa, Bush and Kohl meet at the big summit in Cologne.
After the wine and dine they sit down for some relaxed talk.
Kohl says: "In Germany our forests are so big that if you get
lost, you could walk straight ahead for 2 weeks and still be
stuck in the forest!"
Bush replies: "In America, our forests are so big that if you get
lost, you could walk straight ahead for 2 months and still be stuck
in the forest!!!"
Walesa, not being very impressed with what the two gentlemen just
said replies: "In Poland, our foresets are so big that since the
Red Army barged in in 1939, they haven't been able to find their
way out yet!!!!!!!!"
(As a historical note: the Red Army have left Poland, as far
as I know they got their last troops out a couple of years ago.
Maybe it was the new bright star Walesa that guided them out :-) )
After the Russians landed an automatic probe (Lunakhod) on the Moon... Two
friends meet on a street in Prague:
- Did you hear the great news?!
- ??
- The Russians have landed on the Moon!
- Really? All of them?
Two people working on the Danube Channel (La Canal).
-How long are you in for?
-Fifteen years.
-What did you do?
-Me? Nothing.
-Eh, you are kidding, everybody knows that for
nothing one gets only ten years.
A Radio Erevan listener calls in:
-Dear Radio Erevan. I don't know what's the matter with me.
I don't love the party any more. I feel nothing at all for
Comrade Brezhnev or any of the leaders of the Party.
What should I do?
Radio Erevan answers:
-Please send us your name and adress.
Radio Erevan is asked:
-Was communism invented by politicians or by scientists?
Radio Erevan answers:
-Of course it was invented by politicians. Scientists
would have tested it on monkeys in advance.
The Romanian minister of Transport visits his counterpart
in Russia. He is surprised to see the luxurious haouse and
his rich lifestyle, much more than one would expect for a party
member of his rank.
-How do you manage? he asks.
The Russian minister takes him to the window and asks:
-Do you see that bridge over there?
-Yes.
-Well, that bridge cost one hundred million rubles. And
from such a large sum a little bit comes my way...
A few years later the Russian minister returns the visit.
The Romanian minister has an even more lavish lifestyle.
The Russian asks:
-How do you manage?
-You see that bridge over there?
-What bridge?
-Well, that bridge too cost one hundred million lei.
A Georgian gets on a plane flight to Moscow. In the middle of the
flight, another passenger pulls out a gun and demands the pilot fly to Paris.
The Georgian jumps him, beats him silly, and announces "This plane flies to
Moscow, as planned." When he lands, he is awarded a Hero of the Soviet Union
medal. After the ceremony, the KGB interrogates him. "Tell us the truth, why
did you really stop the hijacking?" The Georgian replies "There was no way I
could have sold the oranges I was smuggling in Paris!"
The Georgian man gets on the plane. After the plane takes off, he goes to the
pilot, pulls out a gun a screams: "This plane is going to Tbilisi!!!" The
pilot answers: "Don't worry, this is the flight Moscow - Tbilisi."
"Listen, my dear,"-the Georgian says,-"I've already 6 times took off for
Tbilisy and ended up in Stockgolm!!!"
Sometime around the end of WWII a Soviet mess sargeant had this
conversation with an American mess sargeant:
Sov: Soviet soldier eats 2000 calories per day!
Am: That's nothing. An American soldier eats 3000 calories per day!
Sov: Ha ha! You are joking! No one can eat so many potatoes!
TASS (?) report from the Soviet-Chinese frontier zone:
"Agressor Chinese troops opened fire at a peacefully harvesting
Russian combine. The combine returned the fire then flew away."
Improved version of same joke:
TASS reports from the Soviet-Chinese border:
" Near the Soviet-Chinese border a few soviet combines were harvesting
peacefully. When, suddenly, they were attacked by Chinese fighter-
bomber planes. In self-defense, our combines shot down a couple
of enemy planes."
New China reports on same events:
"Near the Soviet-Chinese border a few chinese agricultural planes
were peacefully spreading chemicals on the fields. When, suddenly,
a division of soviet tanks opened fire against them. In self-
defense our planes destroyed 10 enemy tanks."
Agerpres (Romanian News Agency) reports on same events:
" At the Soviet-Chinese border a peaceful discussion on
agriculture took place."
A little boy in Cuba comes home with a parrot in his hand.
"Mama, look what I found! Now we can have fried parrot for dinner!"
"No son," his mother answered. "We have no oil to fry it in."
"Then we can boil it in a stew!" the boy says.
"No, I am sorry but our pot has a hole in it." his mother tells him.
"Why don't we roast him?" the boy offers at last.
"Because the oven is broken and there are no parts to fix it." the mother
sadly responds.
The boy then angrily throws the parrot out the window. As the parrot
flies away they hear it say:"Gracias Fidel!"
A: "Did you know that there was a fire in the Reagans library?"
B: "Had no idea. How bad was it?"
A: "Well, they couldn't save a single book from it. Both of the books
are lost forever..."
A westerner goes to the Soviet Union. He sees a strange
ritual in the park. One man digs a hole in the ground,
and then another immediately covers it up. A number of
holes are thus made, and then unmade. Puzzled, he asks
the two workers what they are doing. They answer, "Well,
you see, we are doing our job as directed. But the man
who was supposed to be putting trees in the holes didn't
show up."
Guy dies and it is decided he needs to go to hell. On
his way to hell he sees two indicators. One says: "Communist Hell",
the other: "Capitalist Hell". Guy things "Gee, I've been in the
communist hell all my life. I'll go to the capitalist one". So he
gets there, checks in and the supervisor tells him the only position
available at the moment was to drive nails in oak boards with his
naked butt. On his way to the site he meets an old friend that had
made it out from behind the Iron Curtain while still alive, and the
fellow goes:
"Stupid why didn't you go to the communist hell. Over there, when
they have oak board, they don't have nails, and viceversa, or when
once in a while they have both, they don't have room for everybody.
Here they have everything all the time".
One night, Brezhnew is having a horrible nightmare. He is tossing and
tossing around in his bed, and he is sweating like hell. His wife
wakes up, grabs him and shakes him up, "Leonid! Leonid! wake up! wake
up!. Poor Leonid finally wakes up. What happened! What happened! his
wife asks him. I had the worst nightmare ever; I dreamed that the
whole world had been conquered by communism! But that's wonderful news,
Leonid, why do you say it was a nightmare? asked his wife. Because we
had nobody to feed us anymore, he said.
To celebrate the end of the cold war, Bush and Gorbachev decided to
exchange their secretaries.
After the first week on the phone...
Bush 2 Ms. Johnson:
[...]
"How is your new boss treating you?"
"Everything's fine, except that I have a hard time wearing my mini-skirt..."
"Come on, Lynn, you know better than that. Make it longer..."
"But..."
"Yeah, at least cover your butt"
[...]
Gorbachev 2 Nina:
[...]
"So how is your working relationship going? Did you establish a sound,
mutually respecting connection with our friend?"
"Well, I am so inhibited, they want me to shorten my long dress..."
"The Party understands, Ninochka, but the world depends on you. Do it
for the cause of socialism"
"Harasho, Mikhail Gorbachev, I'll do it"
1 year later, close to the end of the exchange...
Lynn 2 Bush:
[...]
"I am desperate. For the good bye party, they want me to wear an 8 ft
long dress!"
"Well, it's the last sacrifice you'll have to make. Besides, when you
get here, we'll throw a party like we used to"
[...]
Gorbachev 2 Nina:
[...]
"I know how you must feel now, but the entire Central Committee is
morally supporting you. Just shorten it 1 cm more for the party. Besides,
when you'll get back, we'll give you The Socialism Victory Medal.."
"I can't comrade. 1 cm more and they'll see the balls and the pistol"
Two Romanians just off the plane, walking down Park Avenue in NY.
They see a nice building.
Let's buy it, says one of them.
Are you crazy !
You never konw, why don't you go in and find out ?
First guy goes in, minutes pass after minutes...
Finaly he comes out.
Well ? Inquires the other !
It's for sale all right !
So ?
They want 15 million dollars !
So ? What's the problem ?
They also want $ 100 downpayment !
Oh !
Here's my favorite Polish joke - a little outdated now, fortunately!
A Russian,an American, and a Polish are in a train. The Russian pulls
out a full bottle of fine vodka. He opens it, takes a swig, then throws
the bottle out of the window. The American and the Polish stare at
him in astonishment. "Why did you do that?" they asked. "That was
excellent vodka!" The Russian smiled. "Oh, that was nothing. In my
country, we have so much excellent vodka, we can just take one swallow
from a bottle and throw the rest out!" The train went on. After a
while, the American pulled out an expensive cigar. He lit it, took one
puff, then threw it out the window. The Russian and the Polish were
amazed. "What are you doing?" they asked. "That was an excellent
cigar!" The American shrugged. "Well, in my country we have so many
excellent cigars, we can just take one puff and throw the rest out." The
train went on. The Polish thought and thought. Then he smiled,
picked up the Russian, and threw him out the window.
1985. First Gorbachev-Reagan summit. Gorbachev asks: I'm anxious to make sure
my advisers have the necessary intelligence. How do you ensure you have the
right calibre of people around you?
Reagan replies: "I have a simple test. George, come here" [Enter Bush]. "Now
George, there's a man: he is the son of your father, but he's not your
brother. Who is it?" Bush replies, "It's me, of course". Reagan turns to
Gorbachev: "See, he's clever. This test never fails. Try it."
So Gorby goes back to Moscow, and calls in Ligachev. "Tell me, Yegor Kuzmich.
There's a man: He's the son of your father, but he's not your brother. Who
is it?" Ligachev scratches his head. "I'll have to think about that", and goes
out into the coridoor. There he sees Yeltsin. "Boris Nicolaevich, help me
with this question. There's a man: he's the son of your father, but he's not
your brother. Who is?" Yeltsin replies, "It's me, of course". Ligachev goes
back to see Gorby: "I have the answer to your question: it's Yeltsin!"
Gorbachev puts his head in his hands. "No you idiot, it's Bush!"
Here's one from Vietnam:
After Mr. Gorbachev became President and launched "glasnost"
and "perestroika," the Communists in Hanoi were in shock. The Party
Chairman, Mr. Ddo^~ Mu+o+`ii (Mu+o+`i = Ten in English), was chosen to
make a trip to Moscow to beg Gorby to continue support. Mr. Do Muoi
only finished third grade and always signed his name as "10." He took
along his wife.
During the time Mr. Do Muoi was talking to Mr. Gorbachev, Raisa
took Do Muoi's wife to see the "NUTCRACKER" performed by the Bolshoi balet.
In the afternoon, Do Muoi's wife said that they would have to become
more sophisticated with private lessons about dances and fashion and
stuff; Do Muoi said, "Stop whining, why don't you hand me the towel
and our bar of soap, I have to go with Mr. Gorbachev to SWAN LAKE ..."
Reagan and Breshnev want to surpass each other on whether USA or
CCCP is the stronger. Finally they arrive at an agreement: to support their
claim they are allowed to drop *one* H-bomb to the others' country.
Breshnev is very proudly, in the hope of devastating success flies home,
summons the Secretary of Defence to the Kreml, who however confesses
blushingly:
- Tovarish Breshnev..the thing is......... the cold war made the army
almost bankrupt ant thus all of our H-boms are made of plain, simple rubber.
After few minutes there comes the bomb from USA, and Baaang, Ukraina
is gone....Some minutes later Reagan rings Breshnev up:
- Well, my dear Leonid, how many corpses do you have ?
- 50 million...
Breshnev racks his brain but find no solution..one of those rubber
H-bombs has to be spent..finaly he gives the order to launch it. One
hour later he calls Reagan:
- What's the news there ?
- Shit !!! Until now we have 100 million casualty and your
bomb is still springing !!!
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your
face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
COMPUTER VIRUSES YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT
(Thanks to Chuck Taylor at the Seattle Times)
BOBBIT VIRUS
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that
part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the
AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of
impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C\:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If
you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor
about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn
thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining
into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out
watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is
fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just
thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or
error).
TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow
the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to
resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a
set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts
money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes
it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill
for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the
screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive
with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but
you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer
will take it back.
O.J. VIRUS
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your
files and vows to find the virus that did it.
*************
Top 10 reasons compilers are female:
========================================
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild
Top 10 reasons computers are male
===========================
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
FABLE
-----
Once upon a time there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, the weather soon turned so cold
that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began
to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost
frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The
sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and
defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to
sing. Just then, a large cat came by and hearing the chirping,
investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the
chirping bird and promptly ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your
friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
SIGNS
=====
In a Tokyo hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.If you are not a person
to do such thing,is please not to read notice."
In In Moscow: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous
Russian and Soviet composers,artists and writers are buried daily except
Thursday."
In a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
In Thailand donkey riding club: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
In Roma at laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spent the
afternoon having a good time."
In Norwegian bar: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
In Bangkok dry cleaners: "Drop your trousers here for best results."
In Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
At Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals.If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
In japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chamber maid."
In Copenhagen airport: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
In Zurich hotel: "Becuase of the improprierty of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
bu used for this purpose."
In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man."
Japanese information of using air conditioner: "Cools ans Heats.
If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
*** A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The
teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 blackbirds sitting on a
fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?" The little boy thinks for a moment and
says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure
that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds
will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher
replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There
are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One
is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is
sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally
replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone." To which the
little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring,
but I do like the way YOU think!!"
From 'Soviet Weekly': "There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by
15 000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptures. These were executed over
the past two years."
In Turkey: "Order your summer siut. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation."
In a Hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily."
Yugoslav hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job
of the chambermaid."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I
come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend
howa to spella Mississippi."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
So he's sitting there contemplating life when he notices
this great piano music playing. He looks around, and there's
no piano, no band and no speakers. So he ask's the bartender
The bartender says "I 've got a little man, who's about a foot
high and he plays a little tiny piano under the counter."
The man doesn't believe him so he looks under the counter and
sure enough there is a little man who's about a foot tall. The
little man waves and asks if the man has any requests.
The man is totally amazed. And he asks tha bartender where he
found the little man.
The bartender says "Well the other day I was taking out the garbage
and I found a vase in the alley. So I picked it up and wiped off
the dirt, and waddya know, a genie appears and says " I'll grant
you one wish, any wish, but only one wish!" So here I am and I've
got this little guy who plays the piano."
The guy asks what happened to the vase. The bartender says it's
still out in the alley. The guy runs out the back door and looks for the vase.
He picks it up and rubs it and the genie appears and says "I'll grant you
one wish, any wish, but only one wish."
So the man says "I want a million bucks."
Snap!Poof! The alley is filled with a million quacking, shitting
ducks.
The man runs back in side and tells the bartender "That genie
has a hearing problem! I asked for a million bucks and I get
a million ducks!"
The bartender says "Yeah, no shit buddy. Do you really think I
asked for a twelve inch pianist??!!"
1.
*******************************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
2.
*******************************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
3.
*******************************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
4.
*******************************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
5.
*******************************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
*******************************
1.
*******************************
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
tell them your first name!
2.
*******************************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
3.
*******************************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
4.
*******************************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
5.
*******************************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
*******************************
There are nine beautiful deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted
islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things
have occurred.
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are
living happily together in a menage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of
when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and
the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to properly
introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless
ocean, another look at the Bulgarian woman, and
started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo on their
wristband "Faxi-Mon" and are still waiting for instructions.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and
South and by setting up a distillery. They do not
remember if sex with the ravishing tempremental
red-head is in the picture because it gets sort of
foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but
they are satisfied in that at least the English are
not getting any.
The two American men are contemplating the
virtues of suicide as they listen to the American
woman bitching about how sex is always
unsatisfying, on the true nature of feminism, how
she can do everything that they can do only
better, about the necessity of fulfillment, the
equal division of household chores, how all
men except her father are pigs, how her
relationship with her mother is improving,
and how her last boyfriend, even though he
was a pig, respected her opinion and treated
her much nicer, at least before he committed
suicide.
But, on the American island, at least the taxes
are low and it is not raining.
----------------------------------------------
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been
flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the
light? Now? Does it look like I have a "G.E." logo printed on my
forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
"Westinghouse" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't
want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have "Ace Hardware"
written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to
feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and
help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already
fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As
he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey,
how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat
outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have
sex with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on
my forehead? I don't think so."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
TWISTED DISNEY"
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied,
"Who needs a girlfriend?"
_______________________________________________________
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear
a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and
goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella
shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you
been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter something or other...."
_______________________________________________________
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock
itch?
__________________________________________________________
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his
face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
_________________________________________________________
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when
suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and,
holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your
brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic
basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said,"No
you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
________________________________________________________
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said
to Mickey, "I can't give you a divorce for these reasons...You say
here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't say THAT. I said she is fuckin' Goofy."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Things A Wife Just Won't Say (But Would In A Perfect World):
1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time
to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try
again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy
yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's
sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of
beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
21. Man, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new
strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you
retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the
night feedings.
24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my
head for ya.
"Dirty Old Man"
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20
year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is
amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The
following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must
be quite a man."
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil.
This one's black."
*********************
"Dormitory Rules"
On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the
students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
fine of $180.
"Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How
much for a season pass?"
********************************
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix
it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
------------------------------------------------------
Little Old Lady
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell
and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since
I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they
don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what
the
hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink
terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work
on your hearing."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian,
she was still a virgin.
So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got up-stairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother,
"All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs.
He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs.
Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you. "So, up
she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was
missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama,
Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother.
"This is a job for Mama"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime,
the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest
one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I
PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the youn
ger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold,
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing
cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat
will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was
riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are
freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm
up."
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He
said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs.
It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she
says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned
mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one
hell of a mess when they thaw out.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children, then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
second husband.
She dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At last, they're finally together."
A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me Father. but do you mean her and
her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop"
grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer
walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a
lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful, and if you
wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing
his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The
grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so," said he was sorry the dog
died but added, "I tried
to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
I was driving down a lonely Colorado country road one cold winter day when
it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper
blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to
drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I
suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until
I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up,
straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked
just fine...
What! You've never heard of . . .windchilled vipers?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... " the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she
stopped in to see you."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is quietly drinking in a bar when a very attractive young lady
comes
up and starts talking to him. After a few minutes of polite small talk,
she looks at him and shouts "WHAT KIND OF GIRL DO YOU THINK I, AM" loud
enough for everyone in the bar to hear. She then slaps him and walks
off.
The man looks dumbfounded while everyone in the bar looks at him and
whispers.
About an hour later, the attractive young lady comes back up to him and
says, "I want to say how sorry I am about earlier. You see, I'm a
Physiology student and I have a class assignment to study how men react
to
stress. I would have never done that to you had it not been homework."
The man looks at her and says, "That's okay, I understand. No hard
feelings." He then shouts, loud enough for everyone to hear, "YOU MEAN
YOU WILL DO ALL THAT FOR ONLY TEN DOLLARS!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 9 Sexual Jokes (of all time!)
Allegedly.....
Number nine
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite
startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me. "She replies, "If your
penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Number eight
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing
will."
Number seven
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies
that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have
the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
Number six
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over
and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over
and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"
Number five
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle
slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Number four
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead
of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs
out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he
should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The
man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his
wife also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral
sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't
want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is
dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She
choked."
Number three
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then
open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as
the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was
delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of
the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle".
Number two
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge
dude standing next to him.
The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right
ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints!
The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face
and shaking him, and asks the small guy.
"What's wrong?"
The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says,
"Thank god, I thought you said turn around."
Number one
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
I know," the old man said, "we were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well, Granny snickered, "what do you say... should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey, the little old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Summer Camps you should NOT send your kids to:
10. Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorrena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's Camp Whackaneenee
7. Kenneth Starr's Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farrakhan's Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's Camp Grabbakiddie
3. President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen DeGeneres' Camp Lickacoochie
And the number 1 camp not to send your kid to:
1. Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee--
Mexican Bungee
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to
the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running
our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool
their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an
elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As
they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but
when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a
few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't
able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy
misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple
of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and
says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck
is a 'pinata'?"
1. What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
Answer: Hair balls.
2. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
Answer: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive
3. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Answer: Come in five flavors
4. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Answer: Crust
5. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
6. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
7. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy
together?
Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
8. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey
9. What is the ultimate rejection?
Answer: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep
10. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
Answer: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
11. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Answer: Both can smell it but can't eat it
12. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
Answer: A blow job with handle bars
13. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
Answer: A mobile sperm bank.
14. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
Answer: All you can eat for under a buck.
15. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
Answer: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone
Dirty Story
===========
He laid her on the table
So white, clean and bare,
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breasts
And then, drooling, felt her thigh,
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky,
He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms
And then he stuffed the Turkey.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
A Doctor's Parable
==================
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how
he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride
who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day,
he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella
instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella,
pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what
happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot
that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
Man Question
============
If a man stands in the middle of the forest with no woman around to hear him -
is he still wrong?
Answer: "Ziggy Socky, Ziggy Socky, Hoy, Hoy, Hoy!"
The Hind Lick Maneuver
=====================
One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He
swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced
at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all,
wrapped his hands around the boys testicles, and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing
had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Rabbis <=> Rabbits
==================
A recently married young rabbi went to his congregation, informed them of his
wife's pregnancy and asked for a raise in wages that would allow him a
reasonable salary.
After due deliberation they all agreed that the increase in family size
warranted the raise and informed the rabbi. But after 6 births in six years a
meeting was called to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome.
Addressing the congregation the rabbi said that having children was an act of
god just like snow and rain.
>From the back of the room came a voice saying, "Point of order rabbi. For snow
and rain we all wear rubbers".
Origins of Life
===============
So a priest and a rabbi were appearing on a radio talk show on the topic of
abortion. As often happens in such discussions, the debate turned to the
question of when life really begins.
The priest said, "I believe in the teachings of my church that life begins
exactly at the moment of conception."
The rabbi responded, "I was puzzled by this question so I asked my wife,
Chana, the mother of my five children. I thought that if anyone would know,
she would.
'Chana', I asked, 'when exactly does life begin?' And Chana said, 'When the
children leave home and the dog dies.'
Employee Evaluations
====================
These quotes were reportedly taken from actual Federal Employee Performance
Evaluations; match them to your favorite coworkers:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This employee is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definite
won't-be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
10. This employee is depriving some village of an idiot.
11. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
12. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
13. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
14. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
15. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
16. He's been working with glue too much.
17. He would argue with a signpost.
18. He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
19. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
20. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
21. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
22. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
23. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
25. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm to conception.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
32. Takes him 10 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
33. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Save the Prez
=============
One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off
a bridge into the cold water below.
Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so
they all jumped in and saved him, dragging him to shore. He was so thankful
that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United
States and each of you deserves a reward."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!" "I'll take you there myself
!!" exclaims Bill.
The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air
Jordan's." "I'll buy them for you myself," says Bill.
"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom
speakers" the third boy says.
The president looks at the boy and says, "But son you don't look like you are
handicapped to me son."
The boy replies, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!!"
How To Shower Like a Woman
==========================
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to
bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so
that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamprey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until
red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you
must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get
it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose
the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and
then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How to Shower like a Man
========================
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the
way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your penis in the mirror.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor
because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire penis size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your penis and say, "Yeah baby" and
thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed
How to Bathe a Cat
==================
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids
lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You
may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws
will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand as far behind the toilet as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he
will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Six Presidents
==============
6 Presidents were on a sinking ship.
Gerald Ford said. "What do we do?"
George Bush said, "Man the lifeboats!"
Ronald Reagan said "Huh? What? Lifeboats?"
Jimmy Carter said, "Women and children first."
Richard Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
Bill Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
A Flea Story
============
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread
out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should
stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible,
wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth
chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by
motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more
suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport,
see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess
comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while
stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but
Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess
lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing
and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
Odd Bird
========
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After
looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have
any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this
parrot?."
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha,"
the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said
and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing,
but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this
wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my
feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of
course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I
am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst,"
the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me
cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The
guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a
great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy
is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says,
"pssst," And motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the
cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but
it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came
to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on
the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into
the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports
the parrot. "My God!!" the guy says "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the
nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her
breasts slowly going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time... "What happened? What happened?" says the
frantic guy. "I don't know," says the Parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off
my perch..
Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for
President of the U.S. in 2000. Since many younger voters
may not have been watching the news when these were said the
first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle
quotes.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only
regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school
so I could converse with those people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a
mother and child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow
astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat
the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We
have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and
water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a
mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived
in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the
world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card.
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good
judgements in the future."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in
the world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO.
We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of
Europe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Public speaking is very easy."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
to the polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused
the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct
and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are
to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are
to blame.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of
not having it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in
Esquire, 8/92)
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach
our children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes
that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to
enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
<< Guy Talk 101:
"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand
by
a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"It's a guy thing."
Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means... Absolutely
nothing. It's a conditioned response.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really
means... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means... "I can't
hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's a really good movie."
Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"That's women's work."
Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"We share the housework."
Really means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the
first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle identification Numbers of every
car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means... "I
have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am
hurt."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means... "And I
sure
hope I think of some pretty soon."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely
clueless."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me doing?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I am
desperately hoping that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the
next three days yelling at me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means... "I am used to
the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
much worse."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"You look terrific."
Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means... "No one will
ever see us alive again."
Interesting thoughts!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about those pigs?)
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a
poisonous spider.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmm.....)
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it
starves to death.
(Creepy!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males
head off.
(Honey, I'm home.. what the...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over
quantity!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(A few of my co-workers are direct descendants of the ostrich)
Starfishes haven't got brains.
(The others are descendants of the starfish)
After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs"
________________________________________________________________
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest
children?
Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it
came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a
whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and
a bitch sleeps with
everybody at the party except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true
love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife
and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they
have no intention
of driving.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand
up a horse's
ass?
A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist
colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each
hand and a dozen
donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist
colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) The three words most hated by men during
sex:
"Are you in?"
12) The three words women hate to hear when
having sex:
"Honey, I'm home!"
13) Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
14) Do you know why they call it the WonderBra?
When you take it off, you wonder where her tits
went.
A mortician was working late one night.
It
was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were
sent off to be
buried or cremated. As he examined the
body
of Mr. Schwartz,
who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever
seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the
mortician, "but I can't
send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge penis
like this. It has to be saved for
posterity." And the
coroner used his tools to remove the dead
man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a
briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his
wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and
he opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is
dead!"
<< This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and
after a romantic
evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as
they settle down, the man (not quite ready for
slumber) leans over
and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your
lickle hubby
wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet".
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have
to use the bathroom first".
So off she goes but on her way back she trips over
a piece of carpet and
lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and
exclaims in a concerned
tone, "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey
all right?".
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they
have mad passionate sex for
three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the
bathroom again, but on her
way she trips over the same piece of carpet and
again lands flat on her face
on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch"
______________
A woman dies and goes to heaven. She is horrified
to see another woman
screaming in pain as St. Peter drills holes into her
shoulders to
fasten the wings.
Then she hears a man screaming and sees them
drilling holes in his head
to fasten the halo.
"Screw You!" she tells St. Peter.
"I'll go to the other place."
"You don't want to go there," he replies.
"They'll rape and sodomize you down there."
"I don't care" she answers.
"At least I already have the holes for that!"
Finally! - a Blonde GUY Joke!
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating
and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the
woman He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing,
his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in
your
closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and
storms
upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the
wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,
cowering
on the closet floor. You Idiot, "says the husband, "my wife's having a
heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids"
Basic Bar Translations
1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get
another round.)
2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end... beers are
now a dollar, but by the
next
round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you
except as a way to get your
attractive friend into a compromising
position.)
4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)
5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE
WHITE."(FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)
6. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF HOUSE WHITE (MALE)
(I'm gay.)
7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)
8. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)
9. "DO YOU HAVE ANY SAMBUCA?"
(I want to make my friend really sick so we
can all laugh at him in
the
morning.)
10. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO
FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it
means that I get to lick
you.)
11. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO
MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can
you imagine what I'll do
to
you in bed?)
12. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?"
(FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to
get away with this.)
13. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?"
(MALE)
(It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking
1/2 hour ago. Hell, I
probably
spent half my paycheck in here last night,
it is the least you can
do
for me.)
14. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME."
(FEMALE)
(You're paying more attention to your
friends than to me.)
15. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME."
(MALE)
(I'm horny.)
16. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3
years, but I am an expert at
diverting attention.)
17. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
18. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it
on the crowd.)
19. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just
get the hell out of my
way.)
20. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you
are anyway? You're
certainly
not all that, missy, coming in here dressed
like a ho... And get
your
eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like
the slut you are, bitch.)
21. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
22. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 16.)
23. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled
over and blew a .4 after
my
last visit here.)
24. "NO, REALLY, I'M OK TO DRIVE."
(I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to
have anybody see who I am
going
home with.)
25. "I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS."
(I'm can't throw anything smaller than a
pool cue when I am this
bombed.)
26. "LET'S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME
CIGARETTES." (MALE TO
FEMALE)
(You would look great face down in my lap.)
27. "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY."
(I've only had 3 but need an excuse to
behave this way.)
28. "YOU GO AHEAD, I'LL CATCH A CAB."
(I already lined up a ride home with your
'ex'.)
=====
<< "Ah," said God. "That's Pennsylvania, the most glorious place on
Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and mountains. The
people from Pennsylvania are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous
and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely
sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout
the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait
until you see the loudmouth SOB's I'm putting next to them in New Jersey."
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me
tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He
never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of
a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of
his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised
up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else
must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
MEN ARE LIKE........Floor Tiles If you lay
them right the first time, you can walk all
over them for years!
Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of
money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but
you're not quite sure why.
Men are like....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth,
and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee The best ones are
rich, warm, and can keep you up all night
long.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a
word they say.
Men are like.....Computers Hard to figure out
and never have enough memory.
Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer
and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for
reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're
always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.... Cement. After getting laid,
they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take
so long to mature.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to
walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell
you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at,
but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at
the first sign of emotion.
Men are like....Parking spots. The good ones
are already taken and the ones that are left
are handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you,
but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up
when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Snow storms. You never know
when they're coming, how many inches you'll get
or how long they will last.
Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are
easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they
withdraw they lose interest
Men are like......Bananas. The older they get,
the less firm they are.
Men are like....Newborn babies. They're cute at
first, but you get tired of cleaning up their
crap
Men are like.....Crystal. Some look real good,
but you can still see right thru them.
Men are like.....Dry cleaners. Most work fast
and leave no ring.
Men are like.... Laxatives. They irritate the
shit out of you.
Subject: The Rugby World Cup
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before
their
world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals
of
their own:
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and
attach
bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented
the
game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can
beat
them now.
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an
Irn
Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a
Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their
dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory
claim it
as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and thenbe forceably removed by the
Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than
the
other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim
the rest
of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will
alter
the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the
tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of
the
side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in red penis substituting cars, sexually
harass the
female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then
claim
that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then
curl
up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to
the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high
speed
in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from
the
UK Government).
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition
are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line,
let
sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing
and TV
contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live
with
them in Sheperds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
Subject: Todays College Students...
In the event that you don't realize how old you may be, read the
following
and just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly
change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a
list
to
try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming
freshmen. Here's this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were
born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not
know
he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great
Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one
president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember
the
Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to
them,
not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and
Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always
been
plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to
them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of
Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are
pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What
do
you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably
never
have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cent.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they
seen
a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a
football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws, unless they watch
old
movies on TV.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or
even
the
Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile
for a
Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not
groups.
42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV.
Let's pick on men instead of blondes time:
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all
went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they
emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely
slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we
clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs
every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned
with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE...............He
just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place
without a drive-up window.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show
him how to work it.
What's a mans' idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real
name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control
between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always
supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets
lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there
The above was written by a blonde in England who wanted
to get even for all those one-liners about her.
OK. Can we get back to those "blonde" jokes now
<< Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple
of
bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
these here beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and
throw
the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and
each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on The Patch."
A male whale and a female whale were swimming
off the coast of Japan when they noticed
a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that
had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale,
"Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air
holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to
turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship
turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors
had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and
told the female "let's swim after them and gobble them up before they
reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was
becoming reluctant to
follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job,
but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
The last four US Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they
spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally
make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT
BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran,
so I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I
need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there,
looking around, not saying a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally
asks, "WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Where's Dorothy?"
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One
sat in the window
seat,
the other sat in the middle seat. Just before
take-off, a physician got
on
and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his
toes and was settling in
when
the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll
get up and get a
coke."
"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for
you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up
the physician's shoe
and
spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the
other attorney said,
"That
looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it
and while he was gone,
the
other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in
it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his
feet into his shoes
and
knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This
fighting between our
professions?
This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes
and pissing in
cokes?"
___________
One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys
saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy
couldn't figure out why
his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy
went over to the bush
and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing
naked in the steam. All of
a sudden the second boy took off running. The
first boy couldn't
understand why he ran away so he took off after
his friend. Finally, he
caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The
boy said to his friend,
"My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I
would turn to stone, and I
felt something getting hard, so I ran."
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the
park
when her dog was mounted from behind by a large
Rottweiler.
The Rot was really humping away and the lady was
frantically
trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the
Rots butt,
and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she
asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it
out,
but he can't take it!"
__________________________________________________
Subject: Worst Date
This was on the Leno show (9-7-99)
Jay went into the audience to find the most
embarrassing first date that
a woman ever had. The winner told about her first
date experience.
She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took
her skiing. It was a
day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, and
truly had never met
before. The date went OK until they were coming
back that afternoon.
They were going along in the car and she had to pee
real bad but it was
still about an hour more back to civilization. He
said she should try to
hold it, and she did...for a while. It finally came
to the point where
she told him that he could either stop and let her
pee beside the road,
or in the front seat of his car. They stopped and
she went out beside
the car and pulled her pants down and started. Well,
she didn't have
real good balance, so she let her butt rest against
the rear fender to
steady herself. He was a real gentleman and looked
the other way. When
she was finished, she quickly noticed that her warm
butt had stuck to
the fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump
handle nightmares
immediately came to mind and she soon realized that
she had a real
problem. She was thinking of every way she could to
get released from
his fender. He was getting a bit concerned too, and
finally cried out
to her asking if she was OK. Well, with a red face,
she said she was
freezing her butt off!
She finally had to ask for assistance. Now this
isn't the worst of the
story, there's more to come. She took off her
sweater and covered
herself as good as she could and asked him to came
around to see if he
could help. After the laughter subsided, they
assessed the situation.
They had a real problem. They agreed that they
needed something warm to
melt her butt off of the fender. Thinking about the
pee that she just
sprinkled on the ground made her think that pee is
about the only thing
that they had that could get her free.
Well, after exploring every other possible solution,
she looked the
other way, and so did he, and proceeded unzip his
pants and pee her but
off the fender. The rest of the trip home there
wasn't much
conversation.
True story.
=======================
An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking about their
families.
The Englishman said, "I have ten kids at home and if I had another one I
would
have a soccer team!" "Well," said the American guy, "I have fifteen kids at
home
and if I had another one I would have a football team!" "Well," said the
Arabic guy,
"I have seventeen wives at home and if I had another one I would have a golf
course."
TOP TEN THINGS A MAN WOULD DO IF HE WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if they could finally do a split
7. See if it is truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less then 20 minutes before closing time
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on
video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
And the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina?
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot
Subject: Do the Math
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I
have certain needs which
you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy
with you as a wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to
learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my
18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before
midnight. Your husband.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed
letter waiting for him
that read
as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you
receive this letter, I will
be at
the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy.
Since you are a
mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes
into 54 more times than 54
goes
into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your wife.
______________________
"Efficiency Expert"
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You
don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from
the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for
years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator,
stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.
'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied,
"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now
I do it in seven."
You know you need a new lawyer when...
1.) During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2.) He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3.) When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
other.
4.) He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5.) During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6.) He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7.) A prison guard is shaving your head.
8.) Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!"
and proceeds to drink a shot.
9.) He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10.) He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11.) He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
12.) He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13.) Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the
little hammer, right?"
14.) Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation
marks
in the air with his fingers.
15.) His law office sign reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25pm."
16.) Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17.) He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
When you rearrange the letters:
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother in law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public
Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
And for the grand finale:
"PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA"
can be rearranged (with no letters left over,
and using each letter only once) into:
"TO COPULATE, HE FINDS INTERNS!"
Golfing Group
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. on Sunday.
When one of them got word he was going to
be transferred, they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome
while they played their last round of golf as a group. A
woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. Can I join the
group?" They were hesitant but said she could come once
to try it next Sunday morning. She said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or a
quarter to seven." She showed up right at 6:30, and
wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round The guys went
nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated
her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily
invited her back the next week and she said "Sure,
I'll be here at 6:30 or a quarter to 7." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday
morning. Only this time, she played left-handed,
and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were
totally amazed, and they asked her to join the
group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys
asked her, "How do you know if you're going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the
golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who
sleeps in the nude. If he's pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if
he's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed." The wise-guy in
the group just had to ask, "And what if it's pointed straight up?" Smiling,
she replied, "Then I'll be here at quarter to Seven."
Big Girls Don't Cry
===================
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They were in
line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny
looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really
fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an
understanding smile.
Lil' Johnny received a reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his
hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her
son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat
hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and so his mother
threatened him with severe bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of
his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"
Boy Meets Girl's Parents
========================
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. It's such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy's
ecstatic, but he's never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist
for some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour, telling him
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy if he'd like to buy a three-pack, 10-pack or family pack
of condoms. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be
rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at
the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so
excited for you to meet my parents, come on in," she says, showing the boy to
the dinner table where her parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say
grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
his head bowed. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally,
after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to
the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Potential and Reality
=====================
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go
ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father
means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would
you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a
little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living
with two whores."
Phone Call
==========
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've
had a hard day. Jennifer has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more
firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me.
I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life
miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want
to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Jennifer, your mother wants to talk to you!
Smart Parot
===========
A Man who was feeling guilty for leaving his mother alone to much went to a pet
shop to get his mother a companion. At the shop he was shown a parrot that could
speak 2 languages, sing opera and generally provide stimulating conversation.
Pleased beyond belief he bought the bird and sent it to his mother. After not
hearing from her for a few days he called and asked how she liked the parrot.
"I loved it" she replied "It was really delicious."
"My God!" He exclaimed "You ate it! That bird could speak 2 languages and
sing Carmen. It was one of a kind and you ate it!"
"Well, If it was so smart! She snapped back, "why didn't it say anything?"
Jungle Journey
==============
This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man has
gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and
troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and
find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9
beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude.
The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or
even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is
the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake,
Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."
"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be
this size?"
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated
by the conversation.
"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink
in cold water?'"
Fishy Stories
=============
Morris and Harry were both fanatics about deep sea fishing. Each would come back
from fishing trips, and tell the other big
lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.
So Morris comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Harry......" You
wouldn't believe, but in da Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "
Harry says...." That's nothing, last time I fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an
old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship....and da candle was still burning!"
They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.
Finally, Harry said to Morris...." Look Morris, if you take 450 pounds from off
your herring....I'll blow out my candle ! "
Smart Little Kid
================
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just started collecting
moths last month!"
Smart Question
==============
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls
have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back
outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that
game again!"
CHINESE PROVERBS:
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to
undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turn stile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chop stick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite finger nails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
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