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The Administrator
When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football...
When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis...
When Top Management get together, they talk about golf...
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
/////////////////////////////////
What the Company Really Means:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of
the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some overtime each night and some overtime each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Everyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED:"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do
it.
What a Potential Employee Means:
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"WHEN YOU NEED ME I'M THERE:"
I'm there -- not here!
"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job, I'm gone!
"I AM ON THE GO:"
You'll never find me at my desk.
"I AM CONSTANTLY ON THE GO:"
I have serious intestinal problems.
///////////////////////////////////////
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of
drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's
society..
DIRECTRA -a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got
lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA -Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new
one.
CHILDAGRA -Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge
to perform more child-care tasks -especially cleaning up spills and
"little accidents"
COMPLIMENTRA -In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its affects extend to noticing new
clothing.
BUYAGRA -Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to
buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug
for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued
for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA -Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NAGA-SPORTAGRA -This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
members.
FLATULAGRA -This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases
back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long
car rides.
FLYAGRA -This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
LIAGRA -This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury
and Presidential Strength versions.
*********************
Computer Geeks only for this next one...
*********************
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE CGI ROAD?
Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to him on the other side.
COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc
Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't
dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully
cooked.
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on
the other side.
G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.
Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server
will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)
Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we
do!
Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross
the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it
just bought the road.
Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can
carry it across the road in your pocket!
NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so
quiet that nobody noticed.
OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.
Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on
all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
VB Chicken: USHighways! During Sunday sermon, they hold a palm up to the pastor
and say, "Talk to the hand!"
15> Every night at the dinner table, it's the same routine:
"Eat your vegetables!" ....and the chairs go flying.
14> You've had to replace the babysitter with three burly
stagehands.
13> Dinner topic: "Teenage boys who hide 'Playboy' under
their mattresses."
12> Junior's new mastery of the headlock has made him the star
of his high school debate team.
11> Have evolved from playing "Doctor" to "Plastic Surgeon
specializing in Male Enlargement."
10> They want to know why they only live in a house instead of
a double-wide trailer.
9> At the dinner table, little Billy announces a surprise guest:
your secretary/mistress.
8> Your Elvis shrine ain't been Endusted in two weeks.
7> Her tendency to hop up on tables, tear her shirt open and
dance suggestively has gotten you banned from more than one
Chuck E. Cheese.
6> Your youngest has stopped calling you "Mommy" in favor of
"Crack-ho."
5> Math: C-
History: D+
English: F
Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: A+
4> Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely
got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair
over your head.
3> Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for
Cabbage Patch Kids.
2> During that "little talk" with Junior, you're forced to admit
that you don't know if hermaphrodites are "birds" or "bees."
and The Number 1 Sign Your Kids Have Been
Watching Too Much Jerry Springer...
1> Poor Ken just found out he hasn't been dating Barbie,
but GI Joe in drag.
/////////////////////////////////////////
An old guy goes to the doctor for his annual exam, and the doctor
returns with bad news.
The doctor says, "Well, I am sorry to inform you of this, but you
have cancer and you have Alzheimer's. There is nothing we can do."
The man says, "It could be worse. At least I don't have cancer."
/////////////////////////////////////
Subject: Beer for everyone
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular
Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the lamp-rubber blurted, "Make
the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands With a deafening crash, and the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the
two
men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at
the one whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled silence, he spoke: "Nice going, Stupid! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."
////////////////////////////////
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic
illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to
take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a
suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are
crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including
one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a
full-arm glove.
Why am I telling you this????
Just think -
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop bitching and get back to work.
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to
motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote
and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive
the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy
instantly jumped up and said, " Wins ton Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out,
"John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny
said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded
to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said,
"Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
**My subject says offensive to someone well I am sure my jokes offend
someone**
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he
asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary. "We take off all our
clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee,
took
off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big
sign which read,
"Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read
the same
thing "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze
plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said,
"Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
NOT FOR KIDS, FRACTURED FAIRY TALES
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
won't
Let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy
godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she
needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will
turn
into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show
up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or
other...."
________________________________________________________
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
__________________________________________________________
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his
face
crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
__________________________________________________________
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when
suddenly
the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a
machete
to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic
basket
and pulled out a .45 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No
you're
not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
_________________________________________________________
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge
said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fucking Goofy."
__________________________________________________
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about
splinters whenever they had sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could
help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated
and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Top 8 sex jokes
# 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?"
the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the
young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No
offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
# 7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated
next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices
she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and
she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It
identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and
Polish
men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
# 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and
says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and
I
want to stayfresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This
time
he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
# 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he
had
a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was
seriously
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you
how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I
got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh,
she got fired too."
# 4 A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a
coma
for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast
instead
of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs
out
and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should
try
rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes
in
and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He
rushes
out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real
break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try
oral
sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't
want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five
minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The
doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
# 3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts
the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you
a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then
the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their
approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed
his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as
the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped
the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and
the
man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and
the
first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A
hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of
the
bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
# 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices
a
huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down
upon
the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy
faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings
him
to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy.
"What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you
say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20
inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner
Brown"
The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
# 1 This one made it No.1 in just 1 day !!!!
Q) What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
A) "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" --
Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A. A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.
Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.
Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks
Q: What is the definition of "wicker box"?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly
ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her,
"This is the way your sister likes it too." You then have eight
seconds to stay
in the saddle.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you one.
Q: What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A: About three inches.
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in,
what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife
wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what SHE wants?!
Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A: 15 minutes of silence.
Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with
everyone but you.
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night
with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he
told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would
have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his
secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of
your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too
large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding
the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the
landlord.
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
User: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
User: "How do I know when it's ready?
===========================
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she
told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece
of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank
copies.
=========================
This guy had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided
to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't
remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back
and forth.
========================
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that
the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a
sandwich.
========================
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who
answered
said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
=======================
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a
message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to
fit your television screen." Comment from spouse: "How do they know
what size screen I have?"
======================
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor queries. "NO, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This
is her husband!"
THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids
with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if
you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important
to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now
quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode!
I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get
you through life. Number one, 'cover for me. 'Number two, 'oh, good
idea, boss. 'Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time.
Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good
night.
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't- it's
that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and
foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in
every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy
who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?"
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those
Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin',
did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'"
Top 16 Signs Your Favorite TV Characters Smokes Pot
16 During stand-up routine, Jerry cracks first joke about nothing
and proceeds to laugh uncontrollably for 22 minutes.
15 He stays in his basement office, always babbling about aliens
and conspiracies, and completely ignores his gorgeous
red-headed female partner.
14 This Urkel guy is actually pretty funny. (Oops! That's a sign
*I've* been smoking pot.)
13 Tim's project this week on "Home Improvement?" How to turn 3
bucks worth of PVC piping into a monster bong.
12 Has new theme song: "I love you, you love me. Let's get naked
and smoke some weed."
11 The interns are referring to him as "Doobie Howser, MD."
10 Tim McCarver is screaming from the booth for the baseball game
to "slow down!"
9 Every Sunday, Andy's doin' the same damn topic: "Didja Ever
Wonder Why Potato Chips Taste So Good?"
8 Overcome by the munchies, the Coyote finally quits chasing the
Roadrunner and heads to 7-11 for a burrito.
7 Old catchphrase, "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" now replaced
with "Bummer, dude."
[Nicole] - the term "fecal philiac on Prozac" turns into "lazy
shithead"
6 Dr. Green and Dr. Ross call for "Doritos to Trauma 3, stat!"
5 Sherman and Mr. Peabody are frolicking in 1865, but the Wayback
Machine's not even plugged in.
4 Star of special refuses to submit urine sample in "You're
Suspended, Charlie Brown!"
3 Samantha's so stoned, she doesn't even realize they switched
Darrens on her.
2 Three Words: "Suddenly Shit-Faced"
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Favorite TV Character Smokes Pot...
1 "Willlllbur, I need some papers."
****** Helpful Children ******
Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes
your life more complicated? I heard a story about a mother who was sick
with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed
the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she
showed up with a cup of tea.
Why, "your such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I
didn't know you could make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water
like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I
couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."
"You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new
flyswatter. I used the old one."
here's to quick thinking!
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this
harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with
all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all
these women.
No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what
you
have done today. You will each be punished, and in a way corresponding
to
your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright, shoot his penis off!", said
the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a fireman", said the second man. "Alright, burn his penis off!",
said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a
lollipop
salesman!"
What did god say after creating man?
I can do better.
Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and
good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in
it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the
stove.
I have ben to a bachelor party last friday, and there's where I heard a sad
joke:
Q: What's the problem with a married man's Playboy issues?
A: They have the same centerfold each month.
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a
cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her
purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her
cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her
cigarette.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it
that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase
condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown,
the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked
the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but
looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in
condoms, but he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a
Camel!"
little johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit
down
and have a talk with johnny about this."
so johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom,
and closes the door.
- first, johnny, i want you to take off my blouse...
so johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- now take off my bra...
which he does.
- and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
and when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself
better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his
wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed
these
up
we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by the package. With a death grip in place she said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular
day,
the
teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to
heaven
first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes
to
heaven
first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The
teacher
praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says,
"I
think
your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very
good,"
said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's
hand
up.
"Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny,
which part
of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny
thinks
for a
minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought
your
feet
go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my
parents'
bedroom
last
night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God,
I'm
coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility,
but each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the
attendants' ladies room - but cautioned him not to press any of the
buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked
respectively WW WA PP ATR
Making the mistake sooooooo many men make of not listening to a woman,
when his curiosity got the best of him, he totally disregarded what the
flight attendant had said. He carefully pressed the WW button,
immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He
thought, wow, these gals really have it nice. So, a little more boldly
he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet
bottom and dried it comfortably. Ah, he thought, no wonder these women
take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!!!! So he
pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder
Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. Man, this
is great he thought, as he reached out for the ATR button. When he
awoke in the hospital the morphine was just wearing off, so totally
confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had
happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in
the ladies room on the plane. Your in a hospital the nurse explained.
Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the
Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your
pillow.
Old, but still great:
A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches
downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is
blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for
miles in all directions. After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to
car down
the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows. When
the
guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's causing
all this delay?"
The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but
OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there,
and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the
$35
million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's threatened to
douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give
enough
money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So I've taken up a
collection
to try to end the traffic jam."
"How much have you gotten so far?"
"About ten gallons."
MORE did you know???
~~~~ Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
~~~~ Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
~~~~ The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece
has memorized all 158 verses.
~~~~ There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
~~~~ The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
~~~~ A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
~~~~ There are more chickens than people in the world.
~~~~ Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
~~~~ The longest one-syllable word in the English language
is"screeched."
~~~~ On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament
Building is an American flag.
~~~~ All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
~~~~ No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver
or purple.
~~~~ "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".
~~~~ All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on
the
back of the $5 bill.(yup, they are)
~~~~ Almonds are members of the peach family.
~~~~ Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
~~~~ Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
~~~~ There are only four words in the English language which end in
"-dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
~~~~ Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina
de los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of
its
size,
"L.A."
~~~~ A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
~~~~ An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
~~~~ Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
~~~~ In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time
displayed
on a watch is 10:10.
~~~~ Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
~~~~ The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
~~~~ When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at
home,
the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
~~~~ The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A
Wonderful
Life"
~~~~ A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours
~~~~A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
~~~~A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
~~~~ On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
left-
hand
corner of the "" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the
front
upper right-hand corner.(found the owl, not the spider)
~~~~ It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
~~~~ The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
~~~~ Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul
Reiser himself.
~~~~ In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
~~~~ The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the
creator,
Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence
"Oz."
~~~~ The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
~~~~ Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
~~~~ John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
~~~~ The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
~~~~ There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
~~~~ 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the
left
hand.
Continents
A woman can easily be compared to the continents of the world:
* Up to age 12 she is like antarctica - pure as the driven snow.
* From 13 to 18 she is like africa - virgin territory largely
unexplored.
* From 19 to 35 she is like Asia - hot and exotic.
* From 35 to 55 she is like the Americas - still young and gives
freely
her resources.
* From 55 to 65 she is like Europe - exhausted but still with points
of
interest.
* After 65 she is like Australia - everyone knows it is down there but
noboby gives a damn.
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If.......
*Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.
*You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
Strawberry Hill.
*You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
*At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
*There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
*You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
*You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
*You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
*You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good
sheets.
*You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
*You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to
spit.
*The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
*Wookies are offended by your B.O.
*You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
have to wait for a commercial.
*You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
*You have ever used a light-saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off
bottle of beer.
*Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark
side... it'll be a hoot."
*You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
A Guy's Retrospective on Desire:
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large
breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but
there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
emotional.
Everything
was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I
needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never
got excited about
anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.
There was a cute young lady applying for an intern job at the white
house.
She is introduced to the president and knowing his reputation is of
course
on guard for his antics. He shows her the oval office and asks her if
she
wants to see the presidential clock.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?, gasped the young lady.
I said clock...cLock, said Bill.
At that the young lady felt embarrassed and said of course.
The president drops his drawers and pulls out his pecker.
The young lady says I thought you said it was a clock.
Slick Willie grinned and said it will be as soon as you put two hands
and a
face on it.
Harold wakes up out of a deep sleep and feeling amorous nudges his wife
awake and asks "Why don't we get it on, eh?"
She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you
know I don't like to make love the night before."
"Alright", he said, and he rolled back over and started to go back to
sleep
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any
chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow do you?"
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across
the
condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son,
those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why does it have three in
it.
The dad replies "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."
The son then picks up one of the pack with six condoms and asks, "Why
six?"
The dad replies "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday,
two
for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question
The dad replies "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one
for
February, one for March......"
One day while taking dictation, the new secretary noticed her boss's fly
was
open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, by the way sir,
did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down
and
saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new
employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my
barracks
door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled
vereran
sitting on two duffel bags."
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother
appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three
wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he
saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to
all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring
and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat
while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass
bowl
setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea
had
flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her
parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor
tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but
soon it
got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he
said, "I
wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town
last
fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ
and
keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is
working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces
height
and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
above
this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going,
but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you
were
before we met, but now it's my fault."
--
A tall, dark, handsome man was walking
down the boulevard one July afternoon. It was hot
- 103 - and he became so hot he took off his shirt.
He had a craving for an ice cold beer.
He came upon a bar and walked right in, relishing
the refuge of the AC. He looked around and sighed.
Two men were kissing in the corner - it was a gay bar.
"No big deal", he thought, "I'm just here for a beer."
He went up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.
"Sure thing," the bartender replied, "But first, you
have to tell us what you call your penis."
(Exasperated look) The man was like, "I don't know...."
The man on his left said "I call mine Chevy - like a rock."
The man on his right said, "Yeah, I call mine Ford -
you know - built to last."
The man behind him said, "I call mine Energizer - keeps on
going and going."
The man in the corner said, "I call mine Mentos - all
day strong, all day long." The bartender said "I call mine
Extra- lasts an extra, extra, extra long time."
The straight man began to be weary of the gay
audience gathered around him, waiting for his response.
Finally, in a cautious tone, he replied, "Uhmmm (sigh)
Uhmm.... I call mine Secret - you know - strong enough for
a man, but made for a woman."
Two TV aerials met on a rooftop, fell in love and decided to get married.
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was excellent.
-------------
This one's out of order girlies.--------
How do you make 10 lbs (5 Kgms) of ugly fat look attractive ?
Put a nipple on the end.
----------
[And yes - these are real !!!]
"We have both kinds of music here....country AND western"
-- Waitress in "The Blues Brothers"
The Best/Worst Country-Western Song Titles
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With A "10" And Woke Up At 10 With A "2"
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back
While I Cry Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass This Heart
23. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
24. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
25. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
26. Dropkick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life
Graduate School(tm): The Game
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- Application
- acceptance
- classwork
- research
- data analysis
- psychoanalysis
- authorship battles
- boring talks
- confusing talks
- long talks
- uncomprehensible talks
- Depression
- Social Isolation
- Job Hunting
And so much more!
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* Choose Your Own Character
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- Laura: the disgruntled TA
- Jaques: the exploited international student
- Backstabbing Caroline: the political opportunist
And many, many more...
* Confront a Wide Array of Interesting Opponents
Throughout your quests in strange and exotic lands you will encounter
people
who apparently receive great joy at your misfortune, in fact they are a
major cause of this misfortune:
- Administress: the evil secretary with her dreaded red tape
- Prof. Rewrite: if he gets on your committee you're doomed
- Metoo: A fellow grad student who becomes a dead weight on all your
projects
- Ronny: The smelly undergrad RA who scares all your subjects away
- Partytime Pamela: Invites you to time-wasting parties every other
night
- Prof. Touchy-Feely: A sexual harrassment case waiting to happen
- Rod Starr: Super Grad Student, makes you look bad by graduating in
12days
- Susan Stickyfingers: Your kleptomaniac officemate
Along with dozens of others!
* Real Life Challenges
Pick a Setback Card and see what fun adventures await you:
- Join a Committee: Research slows down 1/2
- Videogame attack: Lose 12 turns playing Doom II
- One More Analysis: Repeat all previous analyses
- Dissertation Scooped: Go back to "new candidate" status
- Get Drunk at a Conference: Spin the Faculty Insult Wheel for your
penalty
- Advisor Retires/Moves/Changes Interests: Start over
- Car Towed: Sell your stereo to get it out of hock, lose motivation
To name a few...
* Different Ways to Finish!
Most games are boring. They have a "winner" and a bunch of "losers."
The
goal of "Graduate School(tm): The Game" is different. There are no
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that means different things to different people. There are a wide range
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- Go to law school: Successfully escape
- Marry rich: Don't worry anymore
- Find God: Science is for fools
- Family: Change your priorities
- Capitalize on one of your ideas and make millions: Ah,
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- Graduate: ???
"Graduate School(tm): The Game" -- Look for it in stores near you!
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My partner loved to fly, so I'm going up in a
plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My partner was a good fisherman, so I'm going to
scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My partner was such a good lover, I think I'm
going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up
just one more time."
------------------------------------------------------------
If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible
says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
--Newt Gingrich
What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same
thing.
--Kenneth Starr
The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the
entire Grand Jury.
--Monica Lewinsky
Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV
sportscaster?
--Marv Albert
The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to
find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
--OJ Simpson
If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she
didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done.
--Vernon Jordan
The president should take up skiing.
--Al Gore
If you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker.
--Saddam Hussein
Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the
door is locked.
--George Stephanopoulos
In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and
win one for the zipper.
--Madeliene "Aunt Bea" Albright
----------
This is for your next Karaoke party, on music from "Grease."
"Grease".
Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer
nights"
Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip:
"try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"
---------------------------------------------
Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica:
"The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica:
"I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
Investigation Committee:
"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip:
"he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee:
"Tell us more,tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?"
---------------------------------------------------
Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill:
"She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica:
"Wonder who is servicing him now"
Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams,ripped at the seams
But.........oh Those White House Nights"
Go and sing it tonight!
--------------------------------------------
Similarities between Nixon and Clinton
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: same
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"
N?xon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
The Night Before Crisis
'Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.
The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.
When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.
Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H*!
And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.
With a Kmart-bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told--
To me, and to you.
On the chair!On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.
The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew Bubba
Had gotten a hummer.
And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have this trouble.
And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And "White House insiders."
You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!
More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And for you, too!"
"Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"
"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."
And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.
We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And--horror of horrors--
He likes to get blown!
A funny fact surfaced
after 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.
The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!
Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends."
Now Monica, Linda--
And Ken Starr, you fxxx--
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.
So what holds the future
for Linda, the tape lady?
Well, Paula got a nose job
and a brand new Mercedes!
Who knows now the end
for Bill, Monica, and Al,
A Seinfeld-esque finale--
will Bill join friends in jail?
Will he exclaim,
as he's led out of sight,
"If Hill would've gave head,
I would've been all right"?
The following is not a joke, but it's a cute real story that happened to me recently:
I was waiting in line at the cashier in a Victoria's Secret store. A black guy, thirty something, enters the store, holding a 4 year kid's hand. It looked as if he was bored to wait for his wife who was in there, shopping.
Once in, he looked at all that stuff, wide eyed, and he looked, and he looked, and then he began to sing softly, just for himself, Sinatra's song: "Haven! I'm in haven!..."
It was so cute it made my day. I was in haven without even knowing it!
Now, have fun and enjoy the weekend!
Subject: Escuses, Excuses
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute
requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two
acceptable
excuses for being late: Those with a medically certifiable illness or a
death
in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke
up.
"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had
finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring
look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your
other hand."
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their
car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman,
seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS
SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,
"Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the
two ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed
the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he
noticed the new sign which read..........
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."
Engineer joke:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend one's
time with a wife or mistress. The architect said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist
said he enjoyed spending time with his mistress,
because of the passion and the mystery he found
there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" the others asked. "Yeah," said the
engineer. "If you have a wife
and a mistress, they will each assume you're
spending time with the other, and you can
go the lab and get some work done."
A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is
taken.
He says to the last hotel clerk, "You've gotta have a room
somewhere. Or just a bed, please, I'm really beat."
The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only
one occupant, and I'm sure he'd be glad to split the cost.
But he snores so loudly that the people in the adjoining
rooms have been complaining all week."
The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it."
The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright
eyed and bushy tailed.
The manager says, "How'd you sleep with him snoring?"
The guy says, "I shut him up quick."
The manager says, "How'd you do that?"
The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring away when I
came into the room. So I went over, gave him a big kiss on
the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful.' And he sat up
and watched me all night."
"Proper Name"
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together
about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman,
because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia people call it a
patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or
on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France people call it a curtain,because
it goes down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA people call it a rumor,
because it goes from mouth to mouth.
Mike Tyson is in bed with a girl, and he says, "My life's a
disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a
rough childhood, I was thrown in jail for rape, my wife
left me for beating her up, I've lost two world title
fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to
ban me for life, and Don King stole all my money. Nothing
could make my life any worse."
The girl says, "I can say some thing to cheer you up.
You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson."
Why did Disney World fail in Japan?
Nobody was tall enough to go on the good rides.
Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter, Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law, And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered
President Clinton's firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my
mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft,
that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I
am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is
coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head first.
I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.
No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a
finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop
and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty
affair. I will not be stained by it.
Thank you.
Monica Lewinsky
Two software engineers were standing in the park.
One had a new bike.
The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"
The first said , "It was free."
The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"
The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful
girl rode up on this bike, took off all her
clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted."
The other software engineer said, "Good move! Her
clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a
wetsuit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleave and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is
that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out
a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of
her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since
you've had some REAL fun?"
And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf
clubs in there!"
...A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over
there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!...
Preacher's Story
----------------
A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a
fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in
the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so
steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured,
however, that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in
the
races. To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second.
The
next day the paper read
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race.
This time, it won, and the paper read
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid
of
the animal. The preacher, being a charitable chap, gave it to a nun in
a
nearby convent. The headline the next day said
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose of
the
donkey, and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands
for
ten dollars. The paper said
NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the Bishop the next day ...
The Perfect Story
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a
perfect car (a 23 Window VW bus) along a winding road when they noticed
someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them
survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone
knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect
man.
* A Male's Response *
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Actual Business Signs
----------------------
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog.
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car
payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you
coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be (de-lighted)."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what
you've got."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is
optional."
________________
----------
Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister
in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the
ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the
new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24) The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
WHAT IS THE THINNEST BOOK IN THE WORLD?
What men know about women
WHY DON'T MEN HAVE TO USE TOILET PAPER?
Because God made them perfect arseholes
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A MAN IS SEXUALLY EXCITED?
If he is breathing
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY WAKE-UP?
Because they don't have balls
WHAT IS A MANS IDEA OF FOREPLAY?
Half an hour of begging
HOW DO YOU SAVE A MAN FROM DROWNING?
Take your foot off his head
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO CREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
ONE¦ men will screw anything
WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH AN IQ OF 5?
Gifted
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A MAN IS HAPPY?
Who cares
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER?
We don't know ¦ It's never happened
WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE STUPID LOOKS ON THEIR FACES?
Because they are stupid
WHAT DO MEN AND BEER BOTTLES HAVE IN COMMON?
They're both empty from the neck up
HOW ARE MEN AND PARKING SPOTS ALIKE?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped
WHAT COMMON FACTORS DO MEN HAVE IN COMMON WITH A TOILET BOWL, ANNIVERSARIES
AND A CLITORIS?
No matter how many time you tell them, they still miss them
WHAT DO MEN HAVE IN COMMON WITH TILES?
Lay them properly the first time and you can walk all over them forever
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a
fog horn made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in
the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him
a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Where do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
Subject: FW: Clinton arguments
From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esquire, here are the top
ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v.
William J. Clinton:
10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochran:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral
Subject: Clinton joke
--What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wants? An ex-wife and a
dead girlfriend.--
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary
request
over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the
stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land."
--What does NASCAR and Monica's dress have in common? Dick Trickle
Nixon vs. Clinton:
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
Nixon: Crooked president following Johnson.
Clinton: President with crooked johnson.
Subject: HELLO GIRLIES!!!!
This Guy who owns a porno shop and has his friend watch the store while
he runs some errands. While the owner is away in walks this lady. She walks
up to the counter and asks "How much for that pink dildo up on the shelf"
The
guy replies $25. She said "I'll take it" A few minutes later in walks this
brunette.
She walks up to the counter and says "How much for that purple dildo up on
the
shelf. The guy replies $50. She said "I'll take it". A while later in walks
this blonde.
Her eyes got as big as saucers. She walked up to the counter and asked "How
much for that big silver dildo on the shelf" The guy replies $100. She pays
him
and leaves. In walks the owner and asks how was business, and his friend
replies
"I sold the pink dildo for $25, I sold the purple dildo for $50, Then I
sold your
THERMOS for a $100".
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was.
He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your
room!
Wait till your father comes home!!!" says the mom. A while later the father
comes
home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's
been
really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so
mad.
"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. "Allright!
That's my boy!",
says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of
you. What
are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm
so proud
of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been
wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in
the whole
town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass
is still
sore."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.
When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold
shoulder.
What is a cannibal's favorite game? Swallow the leader.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a
pizza with everybody on it.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for
buttering up his teacher?
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire.
The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law."
The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears
and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the
chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired
of getting stuck for drinks."
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up
and
said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box
of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held
it
up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and
tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she
asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME____________________ LIST ALIASES ON BACK PAGE:
GANG NAME______________ CRIMINAL I.D #:_________________
1. Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6
out
of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How
many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to
reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for
$320 and
2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest
of
his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day
must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and
$100
for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more
Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his
common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when
he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the ho
that
spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average
letter is 3 square feet, how many grafiti letters can be sprayed with 3
eight ounce
cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang.
What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that
eats 3
small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week
as a
lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe
loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum,
how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence =
indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to
=
a
trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. =
But
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you =
have a
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,
retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and
pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
=
of
you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business
meeting.
When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before
the meeting
so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.
While
playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and
became
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a
lady
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation
and asked
her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th
hole and
you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole". He thanked
her and
went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he
approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on
the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th". Once
again he
thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went
into the
club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He
asked the
bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a
sales lady
and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy
you a
drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the
sales
profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I
told you,
you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't." "Well if you must know", she
answered,
"I sell Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his
breath. She said "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm
laughing
at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole
behind you".
ATMs for men and women
-----------------------
<< HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
<< HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Subject: Math Teaching Evolution
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set
M
of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. Each element is worth one
dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set
C, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set M.
Represent the set C as a subset of set M and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set P for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her
cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline
the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after answering the question: How did the forest
birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong
answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company
improves
its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does
the
CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are
no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm
saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging
work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the
company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan
and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was
outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a
ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the
logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16
executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a
politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the
loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for
blowing
away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to
work
on YEAR 2000 projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell
doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?
A Bloke's Guide to Cooking
1.. A properly balanced meal consists of meat, beer and one or
fewer
vegetable ingredients. The permitted vegetables are: instant mashed
potato, frozen peas or chips (bought from takeaway - under no
circumstances attempt to cook your own).
2.. Taking any active part in food preparation is called "cooking".
This may include choosing the pizza toppings, phoning the order to
the
curry house and putting the frozen lasagne into the microwave.
3.. Salad is for rabbits.
4.. The complete list of allowable BBQ foods is: Beer,Hamburgers,
Sausages, Steak, Tomato Sauce, Bread. But not too much bread.
5.. Food does not age when put in the fridge. In future, people
seeking the secret of eternal life will spend years in their
fridges,
wrapped in cling-film
6.. It stands to reason that if a food is full of preservatives,
then
the consumer who eats it will also age slower, and remain healthier
for
longer.
7.. The Bachelor should always be ready to entertain unexpected
guests. In the fridge keep plenty of beer.
8.. The correct place for dirty pots, pans and plates is in artistic
and precarious piles in the sink, on tables, benches and chairs, on
top
of the T.V, on the floor or in the garden. In each pile the smallest
item should always be used for the base. Alternatively, dishes can
be
stacked in the bath and cleaned by soaking in bathwater and hosing
them off.
9.. The correct time to wash dirty plates is right before you next
want to use them.
10.. Evil things from months ago lurk in the back of food cupboards
and fridges. Never explore the dark reaches beyond the warm,
comforting
light that plays on the (relatively) recently bought items in the
front.
Whatever is going on in the back should be left alone.
11.. No potato is ripe until it has developed leaves and a root
system
of its own.
12.. Rice never goes off.
13.. Beer should never get the chance.
14.. Everything tastes better fried.
15.. Food dropped on the floor is best cleaned by holding it
carefully
and blowing on it. This works regardless of what was on the boots
you
wore in the kitchen yesterday, where your dog went last night and
whether or not you ever turned on a vacuum cleaner. Cleaning is
unneccessary if the food has been on the floor for less that three
seconds as germs need this amount of time to migrate from the floor
to
the food. This in known as the three second rule.
16.. Dessert is for wimps.
17.. The ultimate aim of cooking is to use only one pot in the
process. For maximum points,that pot should be a frying pan.
18.. The correct procedure to follow whenever anything goes wrong
is
to order pizza. The list of possible things going wrong includes
failure
to buy food, tiredness, rain, visitors, or a lack of visitors. It is
amazing how much can go wrong.
19.. Cleaning the cooking scraps out of the pot you last used last
week ruins the flavour of the meal you try to cook in the same pot
tonight. Better to just use it anyway.
20.. Cooking the food is easy. Eating it afterwards is the hard
part.
What were Frank Sinatra's last words?
=====================================
Start digging the grave......
I'll need it today......
|A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
|He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next
|to the green.
|He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
|hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
|The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
| "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
|He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts
|his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
|Boom! he hits it 10 inches fromthe cup.
| He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's
|amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's
| "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
|The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
|"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
|"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
|Hole in one.
|The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of
|the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks
|thefrog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
|They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says,
|"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,
|What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
|Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame,
|the man figures what the heck.
|Boom!
|Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
|The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
|He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to
|repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
|The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
|He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
|With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl.
|"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something, and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
Little Billy was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned
with a friend, she noticed that Billy had already strained the tea.
"Did you find the tea strainer?" his mother asked.
"No, Mother, I couldn't so I used the fly swatter," replied
Billy.
His mother nearly fainted, so Billy hastily added, "Don't get
excited, Mother, I used an old one."
"Your age, please?" asked the census taker.
"Well," said the woman, "let me figure it out. I was 18
when I was married and my husband was 30. He is now 60, or twice
as old as he was then, so I am now 36."
Stanley and his fiancee Georgette were a modern couple,
quite realistic about the state of marriage these days. They met
with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage vows.
"Pastor," said Georgette, "we wonder if we could make a change in
the wording of our ceremony."
"Yes, Georgette," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done.
What do you have in mind?"
"Well," said Georgette, looking at Stanley openly, "we'd
like to alter the `until death do us part' section to read,
`Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'"
-A diet is a weigh of life.
-It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we
want and pray we don't gain weight.
-A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into
the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.
-One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're
thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat...fast.
-The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do
it at the drive-in window of McDonalds.
-The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae
is a spoon.
-The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it
makes one weak.
-Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, the pause that
refleshes.
-Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
-Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
-The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.
It's watching what other people eat.
-Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure
bit doubled it.
-A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your
width.
-It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight,
it's the seconds.
-Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become
a bargain.
-The best way to lose weight is by skipping...snacks and
desert.
-Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for
two...alone.
-People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.
-A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its
calories instead of its blessings.
Since the dawn of time, Man has asked himself the profoundest of questions:
How did the Universe begin? What is the meaning of life? Could King Kong
beat up Godzilla?
These answers (or at least the last one) can be found at WWWF Ground Zero --
the successor to the wildly popular WWWF Grudge Match. Be a part of history
and take part in the inaugural match!
This week on WWWF Ground Zero: KING KONG and GODZILLA square off in the Big
Apple, with Pamela Anderson Lee (atop the Empire State Building, naturally)
the prize for the victor. It's the ultimate Monster Mash! Read the scenario,
read our debate and then...
YOU DECIDE. After reading the commentary, CAST YOUR VOTES!! YOUR votes
decide who wins!
And the best part: Send in you comments on how you think this battle will be
resolved. The best (i.e. funniest) responses will be posted next week along
with the results (and a new match).
So check out Ground Zero today!
Here's a sample for your pleasure and enjoyment:
It's a clear day on the observation deck of the Empire State Building. The
crowd is sparse, even considering the presence of Pamela Anderson Lee,
Baywatch Babe Emeritus. The pain of ex-to-be Tommy Lee's violence has faded,
but the ache in her heart remains.
"How could he do those things?" she asks in a trembling whisper. "What could
make him so horrible?"
"Maybe he finally saw Barb Wire!" a bystander cracks. He is immediately set
upon by other onlookers, who start beating some sensitivity into him.
The commotion doesn't reach Pamela through her sobbing. "Oh, what will become
of me? Where will I find someone else, someone big, strong and masculine, to
take care of me?" Pamela lifts her face in yearning, as moisture glistens on
her large, round, milky-white ... uhh ... eyes! Yeah, eyes.
Suddenly, a distant rumble turns her head toward the East River. A
one-hundred-foot ape, just escaped from shameless exploitation in Queens,
walks out of the water. He spies Pamela atop the Empire State Building, grins,
and beats his huge, hairy chest.
Fresh rumbles sound again, from the Hudson River. A one-hundred-foot lizard,
just released from his Pacific lair by French nuclear testing and fresh from
tearing a swath of destruction across Middle America, walks out of the water.
He spies Pamela, and looses a tremendous roar.
People are already screaming and running in the streets, as the two rivals
size up each other, and their prize.
So, will the gigantic gorilla or the gargantuan green guy get the girl?
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the
cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh
yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets
out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple
driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife.
"I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're givin
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language!
There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one
moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,
that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If
you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the
weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they
are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted,
ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring
chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,
that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the
rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely; this
must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this -
here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink
this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle
to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a
few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The
woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman
replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St.Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one
will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -
even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast,
the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming
art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -
just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere
in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat
it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give
him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
sports stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object
out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending
phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or
alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped
inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.
Smarties:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became
a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser
of two weevils.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender
says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,
"Why?! I'm a fun guy!"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to he
bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home
town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have
the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a
huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "Whats with the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of
oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the
other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first?
The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
When she told me I was average she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm
the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her
the Government.
We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'.
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so
we'll consider her 'The Working Class'.
And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'.
Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check
on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the
little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being
ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."
This guy walks into a bar located at the top of the Empire State
Building in
NYC. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to
another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here." The first guy says.
"Oh, really?" The other replies, "It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" The first guy asks.
"Well you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh
and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the
right?
Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll
fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible." the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look." the other man replies and walks over to the
window followed closley by the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops
10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh! He comes right
back up and sails through a window.
"See it's fun. You should try it" he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch I'll do it again." And with that, He falls out the window
again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop and whoosh!
He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast." he says.
"Well what the heck. OK, I'll give it a try," the first man says and
proceeds to fall out the window. He falls
10...20...30...40...50...100...200...300...400...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!
ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below..
After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy
casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman,
you're a real asshole when you're drunk..
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in
eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between
Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped
my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington
geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier,
and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott
all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't
work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a
policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but
we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of
Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT
products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the
existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every
Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS
written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they
deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain
why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The
Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said
Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories
about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all
of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project.
The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
"Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying
Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate
to be around when they drop that product a second time."
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the
planned Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all
your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the
hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the
following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has
detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space
wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save
your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been deleted. The police are on the way.
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and
ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat
down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are
you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking
horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I
spend my whole daythinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning
I think ofwomen, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make
me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for
otherapplications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is
spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No
mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product
borchure or the
documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are
no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when
selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta
release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
- A"Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be
installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of
cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous
mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much
more
useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0
by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many
problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.
You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions
of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think
they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse,
the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving
undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually
pop-up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing
the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.
BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
system
and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry
viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider
under
an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can
accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
Before you read this, decide what your favorite color is. (no looking
ahead or changing your mind, either, got it?) OK, read on...
Your Favorite Color is the
Key to Your Sexual Life
The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give
clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for
your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But
look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing
and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears
most frequently --- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of
psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained
the association between color and sexual patterns.
RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily
aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is
ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the
ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be
aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and
turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow.
But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is homosexual. In most
cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a
passive manner. you will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will
never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.
PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual
matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to
deliver.
In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly
hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in
pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the
type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one,
preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands
like pink should keep a secret nest egg.
PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too
sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type
who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to
lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their
fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.
BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily
meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world
and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and
are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and
often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times.
Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And
it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is
black attire.
GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to
sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their
life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a
charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not
passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about
infidelity.
ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex
act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star.
Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings,
meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often
do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to
pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex
partner's back.
BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate.
Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and
desires
of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say
"I
love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or
catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown.
They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions
are
such that one harsh word could end the affair.
GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They
can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a
noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of
relieving
tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you
ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two
reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count
the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done.
But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's
infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is
made in heaven.
BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners,
affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love
making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are
like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would
play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest.
They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal
wave rather than firery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and
the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a
blue person is a wonderful mate --- never seeking outside interests.
WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy.
These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to
make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will
undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex
act.
These people still use pet names for their genitals.
-
1997 Best Actual News Headlines
1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
23. War Dims Hope for Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a
sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in
the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting
in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place
get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I
was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me
was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He
say, " Hans Olaffsen." She look at me say, "What your name?" I say,
"Sam Ting."
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he
walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a
nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful
woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one
thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've
had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my
wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives
him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then
he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but
they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I
saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one
thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn
liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
MOMMY's LITTLE GIRL
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the
blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll
learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about.
You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another
question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is
a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to
talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's
house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and
her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your
mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from
school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little
girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you
are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you
weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know.
And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.
You got an "F" in sex."
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him
up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from
a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the
client
asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does."
A MAN's Test
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual
relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sportscenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever
agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever
find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after
the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first
place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call up a babe and go out
drinking.
The Coast Guard has divined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions
that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all
computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be
provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing
this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. Substantial hardware cost savings.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Chinese torture test
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly
lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten
anything besides what he could forage and he's been
reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.
It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see
any other buildings in the area. However, he sees
smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is
home.
He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost
down to the ground answers. The old man squints his
eyes and says, "What do you want?"
The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks
and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time.
It would be most gracious of you if I could have a meal
and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one
condition, you cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying,
"I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on
my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch
you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture
tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides,
he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live
out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after
showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was.
She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been
lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without
companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional
monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't
keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and
they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to
a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that
night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests
would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight
on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this
huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying
"1st Chinese torture test: 100-lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself
as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened
the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying,
"2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right
testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window
to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.
Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst
Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
FINALLY, The Blondes Get Revenge...
Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ?
It doesn't show the dirt.
Who makes all the bras for brunettes ?
Fisher-Price
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable
Why are most brunettes flat-chested ?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair ?
It matches their mustache
Why is the color brunette considered evil ?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch ?
Why did God create brunettes ?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out
What do brunettes miss most about a great party ?
The invitation
Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant ?
From their underarms
Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch
How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Startled
What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette ?
A hostage
How did Revlon come up with its brunette hair color ?
By studying what oil spills did to seaweed
25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you
married
yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those
voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been
considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and
a child would be redundant.
HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.
WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because they don't come very often but when they do come they make a hell of
a
noise and when they go, they take half your house with them.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
So feminists couldn't breed.
WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST WOMEN?
How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die?
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have balls.
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
WHY DID CAVEMEN DRAG THEIR WOMEN AROUND BY THE HAIR?
If they dragged them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
WHAT 'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
WHY IS A WOMAN LIKE A LAXATIVE?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?
A bitch who won't do as she's told.
WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the
end of your dick.
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN ?
Marriage.
WHY IS A BLOW JOB LIKE LOBSTER?
They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR?
It's Braille for "Suck Here"
WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
They want to.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?
Lipstick.
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the dam thing.
WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
WHAT IS A WIFE?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES?
The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them.
WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVESWOMEN WILD?
A hundred dollar bill.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PERIODS?
Because they deserve them.
WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
TOP 10 REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because
you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised
their
butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased
since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball
and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that
she was horribly bored and they she preferred to go home and finish
some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay
for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his
new business partners. So the wife went home alone and found the
butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards
him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer.
Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:
Take off my dress....
Now take off my bra.
Next remove my shoes and stockings.
Now remove my garter belt and panties.
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted:
The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!
A man was walking along a California beach
and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out
popped a
genie. The genie said "OK,OK. You released me from the lamp, blah
blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little
sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get
one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get
very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over there to visit?"
he genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the
bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!
No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My
wives always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish
that I could understand women ... know what they are thinking when they
give me the silent treatment, know why they are crying, know what
they want when they say 'nothing'..."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good
at it, and uttered a loud "Damn, missed!" each time he missed. The priest
tolerated him for a few minutes, but finally couldn't take it anymore.
"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you," he said.
It didn't make a difference; the sailor continued unabated. One shot
after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "Damn,
missed!" Again, the priest said, "Do not utter such profanities, or God
will show you a sign."
It didn't help; the next stroke the sailor missed was followed by a
loud "Damn, missed!" A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and
struck the priest dead.
A voice was heard in the clouds: "Damn, missed!"
***********
Subject: Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary Clinton sneaked off to visit
a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering
into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
*
*********
Subject: BillGates Joke
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by
God..... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you
also created that ghastly Window '95. I'm going to do something I've
never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said,
"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will
help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you?"
"Okay
then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was
a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful
women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking
about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very
pleased.
"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see
Heaven." "Fine," said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as exciting as hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I
think I'd prefer Hell, he told God."
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how
he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a
wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and
tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice
filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful. This is
nothing
like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is
happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the
beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95!"
*
*********
Sadly both Bill Clinton and the Pope happened to die on the same day.
By mistake, the Pope went to hell and Clinton went to heaven.
They both spent a full day in the wrong place before God discovered his
mistake and ordered that they be switched.
So Clinton and the Pope were rounded up and sent along to the right
places.
Passing each other along the way, Clinton shouts across the clouds to
the Pope: "Hey Pope, you're so lucky, you will really enjoy heaven."
The pope replies: "Yes, I'm so looking forward to meeting the Virgin
Mary"
Clinton yells back: "Sorry, too late for that"
**************
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually,
it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as
if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at
home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone,
knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there,
either. I ran up to the
second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I
could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart
attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be
alive."
**********
Subject: FW: The New Yorker
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce
tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now
that
we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to
build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die,"
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some
poison,
the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The
Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a
pistol, he points it at his head,
says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker
says, Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him
a
fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over
--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood
gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and
screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,
asshole"
**********
Subject: back to the horses
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on
the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked
all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.
Three
days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
repeats
the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called."
EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG
Fire Bringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of
a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization:
the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the
number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number
now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Giga burgers (GB).
Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to
100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago,
when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers
seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two
decimal places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth
burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers
Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public
that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have
ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of
consumer confidence in McDonald's products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost
certain to force the already-troubled company into
bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American
economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the
total devastation of the global economy, ending
civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on
beetles.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a
calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a
champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the
catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like
a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before
it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
males head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
After reading all these, all I can say is Damn Pigs.
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the
bar,turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I
lie on my
back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in
my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both,
Slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies:
"Yeah,
Well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home,
grind
It up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a
Good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The
third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't
have time for this bullshit, I gotta go home and screw the cat."
How to Impress a Woman:
Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Caress her
Love her
Stroke her
Tease her
Comfort her
Protect her
Hug her
Hold her
Dine her
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Support her
Go to the ends of the earth for her
How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked
Bring beer
-------------------------------------------
After hard thinking:
"You can go a long way with a smile.
You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun."
Al Capone
-----------------------------------------------------
If men ruled the world:
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during
a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a
"Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people
you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL
team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out
your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on
horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off
to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But
it would be celebrated every month.
COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to
the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and
pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view
event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat
the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per
year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of
conversation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of
talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three
buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first
button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches
Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to
put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks
Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he
can't do much without them functioning well.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in
two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the
two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and
prepares himself for the Yank's
revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but
nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the
second button. Saddam jumps up, but
again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button
is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton
falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
* Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
-----------------------------------------------------
COMEBACK OF THE DAY
Excerpt from a recent live radio interview on one of the regional Welsh
station:
A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a Youth club:
Interviewer: So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children
on this adventure holiday?
Mr Jones: We're going to teach them climbing, abseiling, canoeing,
archery,shooting...
Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?
Jones: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.
Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity
to be teaching children?
Jones: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline
before they even touch a firearm.
Interviewer: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Jones: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one are
you?
Needless to say, the interview was terminated almost immediately......
7 Jokes, 1 Link
"Fuck Valentines Day"
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before i shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So heres my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!
--------------------
A Young man wanted to impress his new sweetheart
with just the right Valentine's Day gift. They
had not been dating long, but he was certain he was
in love. After careful consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic,
but not too personal for a new romance.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, the young
man went shopping and selected a pair of white gloves.
Without the young man's knowledge, the sweetheart's
sister discreetly selected a pair of panties for herself.
At the checkout, the clerk accidentally switched the items.
Unknowingly, the sweetheart's sister left the store with
the package containing the gloves while the young man
headed for the gift wrapping department with the package
containing the panties. Without checking the contents
of his package, the young lover selected a beautiful
wrapping paper and left instructions to have
his gift wrapped and delivered along with this note:
My Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. Had
it not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long
ones with buttons. Your sister wears the short ones which
are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade. The helpful sales lady showed
me a pair of the same color she has been wearing for the
past three weeks. They were hardly soiled. I had her try
yours on. They looked very attractive and were so nice to
touch. She gave me this advice to pass on to you... When
you take them off, be sure to blow in them before putting
them away. They will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
I wish I could be there to put these on you for the first
time. No doubt other hands will come in contact with them
before I have the opportunity to see you again. I hope to
kiss these many times during the coming year. It would make
me very happy to see you wearing these for me on Friday night.
All my love!
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a
little fur showing.
--------------------------
Rodeo Style
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".
The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it ?
The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on
all fours and then do it doggy style.
Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward
and whisper in her ear
"Your sister likes this position too."
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.
-----------------------------------------
C++ is like teenage sex
It is on everyone's mind all the time.
Everyone talks about it all the time.
Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
Almost no one is really doing it.
The few who are doing it are:
Doing it poorly.
Sure, it will be better next time.
Not practicing it safely.
Everyone's bragging about their successes all the time, although very
few have actually had any.
_____________________________________
Windows 95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a
2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
_____________________________________________________
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for
the planned Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
off."
11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all
your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the
hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives,
the following message is now required as you save your files in Word.
"Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy
and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you
like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been deleted. The police are on the way.
____________________________________________
Here is a quick way to be bilingual:
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
English phrase
Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!
No Bai Dam Ting!!
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat
You are not very bright
Yu So Dum
I got this for free
Ai No Pei
I am not guilty
Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.
Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week
Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived
Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive
Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink!
Hu Flung Dung?
--------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take
off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end
of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues
reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then
he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a
handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if
you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you
removed from this plane.
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very
rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time
I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by
her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you
taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
---------------------------------------------
Newswire
Dixon, IL- Police arrested Jon Terrence McCarter, a 27 year old
white male, resident of Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin
patch at 11:38pm Friday.
McCarter will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch,
he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there
wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse
jail.
McCarter went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with
evident embarrassment.
In the process, McCarter apparently failed to notice the Dixon
Municipal
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's
for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (McCarter) and
he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe
what happened
when she approached McCarter. "I just went up and said, Excuse me
sir,
but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in
the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
Taylor arrested him but said that the suspect accepted his predicament
in good humor. "I have to give him credit... that was a quick
comeback." Taylor said of the man's comment.
Taylor summed up the event with one statement. "Seven years I've been
patrolling this area; this was a first."
--------------------------------------------------
Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time
being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as
it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband
did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by
watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted
his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as
he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and
asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You
know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But
you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to......."
--------------------------------------------
Subject: married
A man and a woman who have never met before
find themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental
train After the initial embarrassment and
uneasiness, they both go
to sleep, the man in the upper berth and the
woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the man leans
over, wakes the woman and
says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm
awfully cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly get me another
blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her
eye, says,
"I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's
pretend
that we are married." The man happily says,
"OK. AWESOME !"
The woman says " GOOD.... Get your own fucking
blanket."
---------------------------------------------
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide
his sexuality
from his parents, went over to their house, and
found his mother in
the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the
kitchen table, let out
a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell
you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and
the guy was about
to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she
turned away from
the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're
gay -- doesn't that
mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's
right." His mother
went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled
around, whacked
him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't
you EVER complain
about my cooking again!!!!!"
=====
At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman
sitting all by herself.He was excited to see she had
both hands under
her skirt and was frigging herself furiously. He
moved to the
next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed,
and the man started to finger her
like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he
was surprised to see
her go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"You were great," she said, "but these crabs are
still itching!"
=====
Classic
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math
problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there
were five birds
sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun,
how many would be
left?
"None," replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly
away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But
I like the way you
are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now.
If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking
her cone, the second
biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone,
which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding
ring on her finger,
but I like the way you are thinking."
=====
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks,
"What's this?"
"A horsey," one child answers.
"And this?" the teacher asks.
"A piggy." replies another youngster.
"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a
picture of a male
deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no
answer, only total
silence.
"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a
little hint. What does
your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses
her a lot?"
"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a
horny bastard!"
=====
Subject: shipwrecked
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a
terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there
awhile, they got into the habit of going to the
beach every evening
to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with
beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night
for romance. As they
sat there, the sheep started looking better and
better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it. The dog
got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck
took his arm from
around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the
sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there
was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful
young woman, the most
beautiful
woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a
pretty bad way when they
rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to
health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they
introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful
evening, red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect
for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those
feelings" again. He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally
gave in, cautiously leaned
over to the young woman, and whispered in her
ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
===========
Subject: True Ad found in Canberra Times -personal column
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
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