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STATE MOTTOS:
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't
be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less
Character
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum,
But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right
To an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um...Dinosaur Bones? Yeah,
Dinosaur
Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender.
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: FOUR DOLLARS FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
You Know You're Out of College When....
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a
little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
> ***********************************************************************
> > A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
> > On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel
> > tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant
> > leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied
> > "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural
> > sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain
> > said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with
> > me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain
> > could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE
> > CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
> > captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have
> > vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from
> > the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is
> > that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well
> > sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
> ***********************************************************************
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically
through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had
been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub
where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour"
and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a
couple of Guinness -couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to
get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the
car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
********
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father
for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go
ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father
means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you
sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little
smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says,
"Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living
with a couple of whores."
Seeing Eye Dogs
______________________
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,
"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They
walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts
on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This
is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a
pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me
a Chihuahua?"
SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO
APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT...
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have
seven, but one which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two
years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by
the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living
with can't eat or do "anything" until he knows for sure.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is
as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten
pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am fowarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which
is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any
relief since. What are you going to do about it?
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an
immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any
difference.
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day
and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in
the enclosed envelope.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the
doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not
improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
Top 8 sex jokes
# 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?"
the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the
young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No
offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
# 7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices
she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and
she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It
identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
# 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and
says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stayfresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
# 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had
a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you
how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I
got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
# 4 A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead
of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out
and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try
rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in
and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes
out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real
break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral
sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't
want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five
minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The
doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
# 3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you
a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then
the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their
approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the
man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the
first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A
hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the
bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
# 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a
huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon
the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy
faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him
to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy.
"What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you
say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"
The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
# 1
Q) What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ?
A) "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" --
~ WHITE HOUSE CLOCK~
Clinton is sitting next to a White House intern one day at a gathering. The
President says to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval Office to see my
clock?"
She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so." The President replies,
"Please. I'd really like to show it to you."
No, Mr. President, I really can't."
"Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a minute."
"All right. If it won't take long."
They go to the Oval Office. The President sits down, unzips his pants and
pulls out his dick.
The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a cock." To which the president
says, "You put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals
have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation among
employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers,
this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being
able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow
employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded limit.
It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases
so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
======================================== =================================
No fucking way. I'm not certain that's feasible.
You've got to be shitting me. Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck. Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck. Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem. I wasn't involved with that project
What the fuck? Interesting behavior.
Fuck it, it won't work I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn't they tell me this sooner? I'll try and schedule that.
When the fuck do they expect me to do this? Perhaps I can work late.
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it's a problem?
He's got his head up his ass. He's not familiar with the problem.
Eatshit. You don't say.
Eatshit and die. Excuse me?
Eatshit and die, mother fucker. Excuse me, sir?
What the fuck do the want from my life? They weren't happy with it.
Kiss my ass. So you'd like to help with it.
Fuck it, I'm on break. I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass. I don't think you understand.
This job sucks. I love a challenge.
Who died and made you boss? You want me to take care of this?
Blow me. I see.
================================================================================
> Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
>
> 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred
> banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
>
> 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad)
>
> 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork
> I've ever laid eyes upon.)
>
> 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the
> whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys
> I'm seeing.)
>
> 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben
> and Jerry's).
>
> 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in
> the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
>
> 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
>
> 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and
> unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
>
> 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
>
> ...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually
> means)
>
> 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
> excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.
> It's that male perspective thing)
>
> In response...The male perspective on the same issue ...
>
> Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
>
> 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
>
> 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
>
> 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
>
> 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
>
> 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
>
> 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
>
> 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
>
> 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
>
> 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
>
> ...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually
> means)
>
> 1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
================================================================================
>>-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
>>- 20 different people -
>>- that you meet in the -
>>- mens bathroom -
>>-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-
>>
>>1) Excitable : Short half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts.
>>2) Sociable : Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
>>3) Cross eyed : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
>>4) Timid : Can't piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back
>>5) Indifferent : All urinals taken, pisses in sink.
>>6) Clever : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor
>>7) Worried : Not sure where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
>>8) Frivolous : Plays stream up, stream down, and tries to hit other urinals.
>>9) Absent minded:Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
>>10) Childish : Pisses directly in the bottom of urinal, likes to see bubbles
>>11) Sneak : Farts quietly while pissing, acts very innocent.
>>12) Patient : Stands very close while waiting, reads with free hands.
>>13) Desperate : Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
>>14) Tough : Bangs dick on the side of urinal to dry.
>>15) Efficient : Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
>>16) Fat : Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoe.
>>17) Little : Stands on a box, falls in and drowns.
>>18) Drunk : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
>>19) Disgruntled: Stands for a while, fires up, walks away.
>>20) Conceited : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
================================================================================
A joke, culled from the pages of "Playboy," September 1996, issue:
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found
himself being sized up
by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great
technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us
Windows '95. I think I'm going to let you choose between heaven and
hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "Can I have a look at
look at hell first?"
Saint Peter showed his guest a wonderland of sunny beaches, beautiful
women, sumptuous food and an ideal climate. "If this is hell," Gates
exclaimed, "I want to see heaven."
Saint Peter led the way through the billowy clouds filled with angels
playing golden harps."Hmm," Gates pondered. "This is nice, but I think I
prefer hell."
Two weeks later, Saint Peter went to hell to check on the billionaire.
He found him shackled to a wall, surrounded by shooting flames and
tormenting demons. "Saint Peter!" Gates cried. "This is awful! This is
nothing like the hell I visited. What happened to that other place, the
one with the beaches, the beautiful women and the delicious food?'
"Oh, that," Saint Peter replied. "That was just a demo."
Suite des joke
A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.
Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies
you called for me."
The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters
the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.
Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man: "No, I just got here."
Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you
called for me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the
receptionist...
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...."
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on
once a week, but I fart 15 times a day. NO THANKS."
===============================================================================
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as
he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance
counselor.
He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I
never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his
turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks
up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you
like to drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we
drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever
you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love
Mondays. Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You
get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere.
And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer
because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to
love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?
Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can
experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about
overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going
to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day
and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything!
You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Guy: Well, no I'm not.
Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays . .
===============================================================================
Un bon gros paysan a achete un tout nouveau coq, trouvant le sien trop
vieux pour "satisfaire" toutes ces poules.
Mais voila quand le jeune coq arrive dans la basse-cours, le vieux coq
vient le trouver et lui dit :
"Salut jeunnot, voila tu sais que j'approche de la fin, alors si tu
veux, tu pourrais me laisser quelques poules,..."
Le jeune coq stupefie, lui repond :
-"Ah non ! Tu as fait ton temps pepe, maintenant c'est mon tour, je prends
toutes les poules....
Mais le vieux coq, malin, lui demande:
- "Alors je te propose une course le premier arrive a la cloture, la-bas,
(mais tu me laisses quand meme 1 metre d'avance) aura toutes les poules,
ok ??"
Le jeune coq, costaud, en pleine forme, compare aux vieux coq, qui a
du mal a se tenir sur ses pattes, repond:
- "OK, papy, pas de probleme,eh..eh..eh"....
Le jeune coq est persuade de ne faire qu'une bouchee du vieux !!
La course commence....
Le paysan voit son jeune coq courrir apres le vieux coq, s'empresse de
saisir son fusil, et mitraille le jeune coq !
"Putain, ca fait le 5eme coq que j'achete, c'est le 5eme coq pede !"
---------------------
This newfie kid comes back from school one day and says:
"Mommie, Mommie, today at school the teacher asked us to count as high as
we could... The best in the class went up to 15, but the teacher stopped
ME at 100... Is that because I'm a newfie? "
Mother: "Yes, it's because you're a newfie..."
The next day, the kid comes back from school, and tells his mother:
"Mommie, Mommie, today at school the teacher asked us to list the letters
of the alphabet. The best in the class went up to K, but I did the whole
alphabet... Is that because I'm a newfie? "
Mother: "Yes, it's because you're a newfie..."
The next day, the kid comes back from school, and tells his mother:
"Mommie, Mommie, today at school after gym class I was with the other
boys in the showers, and their dick was about 1 inch long, and mine is 4
inches long... Is that because I'm a newfie? "
Mother: "No, that's because you're 18 and in grade 1."
4)
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9
Iron" The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a
lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
"Ok where to next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?"
The frog says , "Ribbit Roulette".
Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I
should bet?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6."
Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the
golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the
best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me".
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl
in the world.
"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room"
5)
A Captain in the foreign legion (such as Gagetown!) was transfered to a
desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy
looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.
He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and
the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have
the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's
all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain
could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE
CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to
have his way with the camel.
Satisfied, the captain stepped down from the stool, and was
buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the
enlisted men do it?"
The Sargent replied,"Well sir, they usually just use it to ride
into town to look for women."
6)
A man walks into a bar one morning carrying a box a little bigger
than a shoe box. The man walks up to the bar and sits down at the bar.
The bartender asks, "What's in the box?" And the man responds, "If you
give me a beer I'll show you." So the bartender pours him a draft and
the man opens up the box and inside is a twelve inch man and a very small
piano. Well now the bartender was really interested. He asked the man,
"well does he play that piano?" The man responded again with, "for a beer
I'll show you." So the bartender again pours him a tall one and the man
in the box starts to play some Mozart. The bartender said "That is just
unbelievable Where did you get him?" The man again replied, "Give me
another beer and I'll tell you." So once again the bartender poured a
beer and the man said, "Well you see I was walking down this alley and I
saw this old lamp. I rubbed it and out came a genie. And the rest is
history." The bartender asked, "Well do you still have the lamp? Can I
give it a try?" The man said, "For one more beer, I'll give you the
lamp." So the bartender gladly poured one more draft and the man pulled
out this old looking lamp, and handed it to the bartender. The bartender
rubbed it vigorusly, and sure enough out popped a genie. The genie said,
"You have relesed me I will give you one wish." The bartender thought
for only a second and said, "I want to have a million bucks " And the
genie replied, "It is done." And then he dissapeared. At that very
instant the loudest thundering noise filled the air. It was almost
deafening. And then the door to the bar flew open and in flew thousands
upon thousands upon thousands of ducks. It was just unbelievable. The
bartender screamed over the roar of flapping wings, "No I said BUCKS,
BUCKS. Not DUCKS." And all the man said was, "Did you really think that
I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
7)
A LETTER FROM A NEWFIE MOTHER TO A NEWFIE SON
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slowly cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't
be able to send you the address cause the Newfie family that used to live
here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have
to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day
I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time, and four days
the second time. The coat we wanted to send you, your aunt said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons so we cut them
off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home. They said
if we didn't make the last payment on grandma's funeral - "Up she comes".
About your fadder, he has a lovely job. He has 500 people under
him - he is cutting grass at the cemetery.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out
whether it is a boy or a girl, so we don't know whether you're an aunt
or an uncle. Your uncle John fell into the whiskey vat. They tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.
We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck; one was
driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out by rolling
down a window and swimming to safety, while the two in the back drowned.
Apparently they couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much news this time, nothing much happened.
Love, Mom.
===============================================================================
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note....Romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears
and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along
with this note:
Darling,
I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the
habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not
been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with
buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks
and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she
looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time,
as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I
have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the
coming year.I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All My Love
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.
==============================================================================
A man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should
see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug
store
that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put
in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and
tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine
sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the
sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises
and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped
a
small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this
machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine
samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the
concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured
in
the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual
noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs,
Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant
It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better.
==============================================================================
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her
ear, "do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
================================================================================
>This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
>have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one
>thing."
>
>"What do they say?", the priest asked
>
>"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have
>some Fun? ' "
>
>"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your
>problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will
>put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read
>the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
>terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
>
>"Thank you." said the lady.
>
>So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
>The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their
>cage.
>
>The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots
>and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have
>some Fun?"
>
>One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, "JESUS
>CHRIST FRANK! PUT THE BIBLES AWAY -- OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!"
================================================================================
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be to embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
On day, a few eek later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill ? "
she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis in the pickle slicer ?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My god, Bill, what happened ?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer ?"
"Oh,... she got fired too."
===============================================================================
This woman went to a doctor where she proceeded to explain how her
husband wasn't able to 'perform' lately. So the doctor gives her a few
tablets and told her to have him try them out and let him know what
happens.
So the next day the woman went back to the doctor. He asked her how it
went.
She said, "Well last night at dinner I gave him one and nothing
happened. So I thought I would give him another tablet - within 15
minutes her husband was throwing all the dishes off the table smashing
them, clearing the table of the table cloth and starts making love to
her right there.
The doctor says " Oh, I should have told you that you should only
give him one tablet at a time - so since I feel responsible for this,
I'd like to pay for the broken dishes".
She says, that's ok....I don't think we'll be going back to that
restaurant anyways.
==============================================================================
Adam and God
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with
this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not
happy"
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all
of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful
creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure
out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring
that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will
rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your
every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies
the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left
testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on
his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
==============================================================================
Three doctors got loaded in a bar and began bragging about their greatest
triumphs.
The first surgeon, an Australian, said, "We once had a guy that had
been squashed in a press in a printing works house last year. The only
thing that was left was the left little finger. Our team of surgeons managed
to construct a new hand, they built a new arm and a new body, so that
when he finally went back to work, he became so efficient that he made five
people unemployed.
That's nothing, said a American surgeon. We had a worker that got
stuck in a nuclear reactor. The only thing that was left was the hair. We
made a new head, a new body and new organs, and then we sent him back to the
working life. He got so efficient that he made fifty people unemployed.
The Canadian surgeon beat 'em both, saying, "One day, when I was
out walking I smelled a fart. I put the fart in a bag and carried it into
the hospital, let it out on the table and started working. First we
wrapped the fart in an asshole, built a new ass and attached a body to it.
Finally, it became a man named Jean Chretien, and he's making a whole
fucking country unemployed."
================================================================================
=
The Eel
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other
boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day, he
took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead
of explaining things to Johnny she
told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older
sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning,
Johnny explained everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis
must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must
have thought so too because he put his hand in her blouse to feel her
heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the
doctor, because he seemed too have trouble finding her heart. He was
getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and
getting all out of breath. His other
hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the
fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was
really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick....a big
eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his
pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed
it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got
really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the
lake!
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its
head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go...I
guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held
it while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the
eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get a scissor
lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up
a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel
by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...I knew it
was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were
hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the
battle, but they went courting on anyway. He started hugging and
kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It
jumped straight up
and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats....they have
nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.
After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I
know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the
skin and flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.
===============================================================================
> One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some
good news
> and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said,
"Well, give me
> the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new
organs for
> you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent,
> create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The
other
> organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce
your
> now
> intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy
> that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very
excited,
> exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could
> possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon
Adam and
> said
> with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only
gave you
>
> enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
> ============================================================================
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of
the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a
while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will
be empty again."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
----------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep
into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A
circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of
infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around
the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
define myself to be on the outside!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The
priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens
-- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention
-- so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime he is set
free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks
up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your
problem......"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one
Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after
the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my
money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their
previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But
before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and
they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a
man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his
secret.
"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
horses were identical and spherical..."
================================================================================
Quatre ingenieurs
C'est quatre ingenieurs dans une auto qui s'en vont a Quebec. Il y a un
ingenieur
mecanique, un chimique, un electrique et un informatique.
A peu pres a mi-chemin entre montreal et quebec, au environ du chateau
Madrid...,
l'automobile s'eteint brusquement. Ils essaient de redemmarer l'auto mais ca
ne donne rien, il verifie l'essence et l'huile, et tout est normal.
Alors l'ingenieur mecanique dit qu'il doit s'agir d'un probleme de soupapes, il
faudrait verifier les soupapes puis la remplacer si c'est le probleme.
L'ingenieur chimique, lui, dit qu'il doit s'agir d'un probleme avec l'essence.
Il dit qu'il y a peu etre une salete ou de l'eau. Il faudrait donc vider le
reservoir puis le remplir avec de l'essence propre.
L'ingenieur electrique suspecte un probleme electrique. " Il faudrait verifier
les
bougies et les fils..."
C'est alors que l'ingenieur informatique dit " Moi je pense que pour regler le
probleme, il faudrait que l'on sorte tout les quatres de l'auto puis que l'on
rerentre dedans.....
================================================================================
> A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell. The wife
> answers.
>
> "Hi, Sara, is Tony home?"
> "No, Chris, he went to the store."
> "Well, you mind if I wait?"
> "No, come in."
>
> They sit down and after a few minutes, the friend says "You know Sara,
> you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred
> bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and
> figures what the hell -- a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows
> one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 dollar bill on the table.
>
> They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "I've just got to see the
> both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could see the both
> of them together."
>
> Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives
> Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks
> on the table, then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
>
> A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird
> friend Chris came over."
>
> Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the
> 200 bucks he owes me?"
>===============================================================================
I'm saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.
------------------------------------------------------------
***********************************************
> Helpful Hints to Managers...
> ***********************************************
>
> 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
> bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
>
> 2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
> to inquire how it's going. That helps.
>
> 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me
> a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
>
> 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open
> the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
> opening doors is good training.
>
> 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
> priority. Let me guess.
>
> 6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have
> nowhere to go or anything to do.
>
> 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could
> cost me a promotion.
>
> 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
> popular in conversation.
>
> 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
> fact, save them until the job is almost done.
>
> 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to
> them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
>
> 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
> change your life.
> ============================================================================
> THE GASTRONOMICAL BEAN STORY
>
> Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for
>baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and
>somewhat lively reaction on him.
>
> Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that
>they would marry, he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle
>girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the
>supreme sacrifice...and gave up beans. They were married shortly thereafter.
>
> Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and
>since he lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he
>would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small
>cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still
>had several miles to walk, he figured that he would walk off any ill
>effects before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he
>had eaten three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he
>putt-putted and after arriving he felt reasonably safe that he had
>putt-putted his last. Upon arrival, his wife seemed agitated and excited
>to see him and exclaimed, "Darling, tonight I have the most wonderful
>surprise for dinner!" She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at
>the head of the dining table. He seated himself and just as he was ready
>to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She vowed him not to touch
>the blindfold until she returned, then went to answer the phone. Seizing
>the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not
>only loud, but ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and
>vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just resumed to normal as
>he felt another urge come about him. So he shifted his weight to the other
>leg and let go again. This one was a true prize winner. While keeping his
>ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes
>until he knew the phone farewells indicated the end of his freedom. He
>placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it and,
>smiling contentedly, was the very picture of innocence when his wife
>returned apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had peeked and
>he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point she removed the
>blindfold and there was his surprise.
>
> Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a "Happy Birthday
>Party" for him...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing
> corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big
> multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural
> differences. For example...
>
> Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
> American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
>
> The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
> Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands
> of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole"
> or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke
> then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic
> equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as
> "happiness in the mouth."
>
> In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the
> Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back
> from the dead."
>
> Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin'
> good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
>
> The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
> translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel
> so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
>
> When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
> apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company
> figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its
> Spanish markets to the Caribe.
>
> Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The
> company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male
> genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel,
> which means horse.
>
> When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were
> supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
> However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar"
> meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your
> pocket and make you pregnant."
>
> An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish
> market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw
> the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
>
> Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a
> tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation.
> A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all
> over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make
> a chicken aroused."
>
> Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros
> Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts."
> In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable
> effect on sales.
>
> Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
> notorious porno mag.
>
> In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name
> into Schweppes Toilet Water.
>
> Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
> English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex
> tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist
> Company changed its name.
==============================================================================
Subject: Businessman in New York
A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such
a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked
on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the
bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee
drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest , which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, We are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles
us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The businessman replied: Where else in New York can I park my car for
two weeks for 15 bucks?
================================================================================
> Top 98 Ways to Order a Pizza
>
>
>1.If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
> person taking the order to stop doing
> that.
>2.Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
>3.Use CB lingo where applicable.
>4.Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
>5.Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
>6.Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
> you're going with the lowest bidder.
>7.Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
>8.Answer their questions with questions.
>9.In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition
> and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
>10.Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
> COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
>11.Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
>12.Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
> "Master of Puppets" CD.
> "Chop your pizza on a mirror!"
> "Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!"
> "Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!"
>13.Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
>14.Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
>15.Stutter on the letter "p."
>16.Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's, ask for
> a CheeserCheeser!)
>17.Ask what the order taker is wearing.
>18.Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
>19.Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called
> you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you
> would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
>20.Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
>21.Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
>22.Change your accent every three seconds.
>23.Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows
> from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
>24.Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'
> Camp, right?"
>25.Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and
> say "No, I don't."
>26.If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
> That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
>27.Rent a pizza.
>28.Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
>29.Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh
> of relief.
>30.Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
> sound.
>31.Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
>32.Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well,
> so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer
> proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you
> know what it's like to be lied to?"
>33.Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
> When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
> goodbye at the top of your lungs.
>34.Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
>35.Imitate the order taker's voice.
>36.Eliminate verbs from your speech.
>37.When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
>38.Play a guitar in the background.
>39.Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
> behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
> surprise him/her.
>40.Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
>41.Ask to see a menu.
>42.Quote Carl Sandberg.
>43.Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
>44.Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
>45.Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
>46.Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
> ashamed.
>47.Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
>48.Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,
> Gaston!"
>49.Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where
> was I? Who are you?"
>50.Psychoanalyze the order taker.
>51.Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
>52.Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
>53.Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
> these be included.
>54.Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and
> didn't mean it.
>55.Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
> fired.
>56.Report a petty theft to the order taker.
>57.Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
> in Tinsel Town."
>58.Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
>59.If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed
> by your sweet words."
>60.Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
>61.Try to talk while drinking something.
>62.Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and...
> action!"
>63.Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
>64.Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
>65.Be vague in your order.
>66.When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this
> time."
>67.If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
>68.After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
> Simulate a cutoff.
>69.Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
> be my last entry."
>70.State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going
> to get.
>71.Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
> description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
>72.Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt
> that.
>73.Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
>74.When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
>75.Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
> intervals to play it.
>76.Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
>77.Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from
> some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
>78.Put them on hold.
>79.Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent
> orders.
>80.Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
> say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
>81.Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
> say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
>respond.
>82.When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
> again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it,
> do you?"
>83.When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
> hate math."
>84.Haggle.
>85.Order a one-inch pizza.
>86.Order term life insurance.
>87.When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
> won't we?"
>88.Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
>89.Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
>90.While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act
> embarrassed.
>91.Engage in some serious swapping.
>92.Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
> he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
>93.Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
> background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
>94.If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
>95.Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
>96.Order a steamed pizza.
>97.Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is
> your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
>98.Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above
> practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty
> voice, "Last guy let me do it."
bonne appetit
==============================================================================
A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat you could
possibly get. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat
next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that
seat and didn't come to the game?"
The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we
bought these tickets months ago, unfortunately, my wife passed away so
I came alone."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didnt you give the ticket to a family
member or friend?"
"Oh they're all at the funeral."
==============================================================================
THE FACTS OF LIFE:
>
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with..
>
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
>
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If
they're OK, you're it.
>
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
>
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
>
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
>
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
>
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates
how difficult it was.
>
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
>
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
>
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man
can see better than he can think.
>
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be
paranoid, too.
>
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to
be on your way.
>
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
>
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them
to where you can't find them.
>
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.
===============================================================================
> Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets
> of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the
increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous
when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this
way before."
>
> The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
===============================================================================
> Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden,
but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to Ripen. Admiring
her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one
day and inquired of him his secret.
>
> "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the
morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they
turn red with embarrassment".
>
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried to take his advice and proceeded to
expose
herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by
to check
her progress.
>
"So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
>
"No," she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my carrots !
================================================================================
>*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
>must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of
>war or other emergencies.
>
>* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
>Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a
>train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
>
>* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
>
>* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
>stop growing.
>
>* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke
>all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by
>James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
>
>* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
>
>* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
>
>* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
>
>* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
>moon.
>
>* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
>
>* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
>necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
>segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
>
>* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
>
>* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
>gallon of diesel that it burns.
>
>* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
>
>* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
>category.
>
>* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City,
>after the Catholic Church.
>
>* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
>
>* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered
>a hundred percent compatible unless it could run
>Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
>
>* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
>
>* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
>
>* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a
>gallon to clean the pot.
>
>* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
>
>* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
>reaches 2-6 years of age.
>
>* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
>Colorado.
>
>* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
>
>* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.
>You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to
>make change for a dollar.
>
>* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
>
>* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
>factory workers in Malaysia combined.
>
>* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever
>won a Superbowl
>
>* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
>
>* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only
>6 people were injured
>
>* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
>
>* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in
>the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers --they saw it as competition. It is
>not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
>
>* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
>games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major
>League All-Star Game.
>
>* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
>
>* The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"
================================================================================
A True story...
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he
not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual
communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission
Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic
remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in
either
the
Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people have
questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.
A few months ago, (July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old
question
to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally
died
and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard.
His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's
bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.
Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get
oral
sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
===============================================================================
An Engineer Goes to Heaven
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So
the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon,
the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and
starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got
air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are
going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
==============================================================================
Paddy goes to confession and he says to the priest:
"Bless me father, for I have sinned, It's been three weeks since
my
last confession, and in that time I have commited the sin of
Adultery"
So the priest says:
"Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"
And Paddy says:
"I'm sorry father, but I can'tell you who it was with"
So the priest says:
"I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"
and Paddy says:
"I'm sorry father, but I really can't tell you who it was"
and the priest says:
"Was it that Rosie O'Connell? I've had my eye on her recently"
And paddy says:
"I've told you already father, I can't reveal who it was"
So the priest says:
"You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly, say six Hail Marys and don't
let
me hear that you've transgressed again!"
As he's walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Shamus, who
says:
"Paddy! how are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming
from?"
And Paddy says:
"Aye Shamus, I've just been to confession"
So Shamus says:
"How was it?"
And Paddy says:
"Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"
===========================================================================
A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex
anymore.
He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in the husband's
drink and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with
doubt,
but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made
out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex was
ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire
bottle in the husband's coffee.
Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress.
The
woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone was
doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant,
my
ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, "Here,
kitty,
kitty."
==============================================================================
>How to distinguish yourself as "an individual" at work:
>
>Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
>waiting for your document.
>
>Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
>lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.
>
>During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
>
>Assemble hockey nets at your desk.
>
>Insist that your e-mail address be ZENA_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
>
>Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
>
>Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
>fries with that.
>
>Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about
>the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
>coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
>
>Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
>
>Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all
>present.
>
>Come to work in your pajamas.
>
>Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
>
>Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
>wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
>your boss is a different gender than you are.)
>
>Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
>names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
>disagree with you there, Chachi."
>
>Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
>
>Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all
>reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures
>yourself.)
>
>Schedule meetings for 4:14 am.
>
>Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
>dancing.
>
>Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at Mc Donald's
>Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
>
>When posed with a difficult question say "Well, I know what my cat would do
>in this situation: take a nap!" (Lie down and take a nap.)
>
>Stand in front of the coffee machine and say "Coffee, tea, or me." to
>everyone who tries to get coffee.
>
>Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
>For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
>
>No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay." Put your garbage can on your
>desk. Label it "IN."
>
>Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
>
>Grow mold in your coffee cup. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the
>World using empty soda cans. Put on your headphones whenever the boss
>comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he
>or she leaves.
>
>When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I
>think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
>
>Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Develop an unnatural
>fear of staplers.
>
>Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
>
>Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into
>your daytimer.
>
>"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
>you did this.
>
>Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi. Email nude gifs
>(graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them
>off the Internet.
>
>Hang mistletoe over your desk. Send e-mail that has 4-8 question marks
>after each question. Throw in some exclamation marks for good measure.
>
>Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. "On a personal note,I'm
>feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to
>announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris lastnight."
>
>Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as
>special treats for your coworkers.
>
>While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
>
>Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
>
>Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
>Try to pass them off as your children.
>
>For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the
>fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you
>can catch in your mouth.
>
>Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
>lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat
>your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
>
>See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start
>planting pizzas.
>
>Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
>their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.
>
>"When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume
>that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often."
>===============================================================================
***HOW TO PISS OFF OTHER PEOPLE***
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,
17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual
massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with
your pen while talking to others. (almost makes you wish for a
glass eye, doesn't it? -d)
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in
all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers
and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance
with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink
cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
"croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute
whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do
you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the
bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait,
I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head
like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't
rhyme.
32. Ask your coworkers mysterious questions and then
scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
=============================================================================
This a a very good true (?!) story forwarded by a friend...
THE DYNAMITE
If you think YOU'RE having a bad day.... this is a true story that should
help put everything in perspective.
Seems a couple got a brand new, top of the line, Jeep Cherokee for
Christmas and drove it to visit relatives in Michigan. The guys decided
to do that male bonding ritual of duck hunting. So they load up the
Cherokee with decoys, food, beer, guns, warm clothes, etc. and head off
for the lake. Now it's a little known fact that when duck hunting in cold
climates like that, it's common to drive the truck out onto the ice. It's
also a little known fact that, to break a hole in the ice for the decoys,
a stick of dynamite is commonly used. (We are talking Michigan) Now this
particular stick of dynamite had a short fuse, estimated at 20 seconds or
so. Normally you put the dynamite on the ice, light the fuse, and run
away. But with only 20 seconds they didn't want to do that, they might
slip while running. So the guy lights the fuse and throws the stick of
dynamite out onto the ice.
Next thing you know, their well-trained Labrador Retriever dashes out
onto the ice and, just as he's done several times before, picks up the
stick (of lit dynamite) in his mouth and starts running back to the group
of guys. The guys start yelling at the dog but, as he's played fetch so
many times before, he just keeps bringing the stick back to his master.
One of the guys thinks fast and loads his shotgun, and shoots the dog. As
it's loaded with bird shot the dog isn't hurt much, but is confused. The
guy shoots the dog again. The dog gets scared and runs, stick in his
mouth, under the Cherokee.
The Cherokee is now at the bottom of the lake. The insurance
company won't pay up because it was destroyed due to an illegal use of
explosives. The first payment of $475 was due December 15. Only 59 more
to go...
==============================================================================
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked
out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them. The first
man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then
began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly
approached them. The second man looked at him, confused, and said,
"What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help. You can't
outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said the first man, "I just need
to outrun you."
===============================================================================
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the
captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of
course.
They stared at each other with absolute hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking
boat?"
===============================================================================
This message was inadvertently delivered to my office. Sorry for the
delay, I hope it is not too late.
To: Heaven's Gate Personnel
Date: March 28, 1997
Due to extensive solar tailwinds affecting the comet Hale-Bopp, pickup of
the 39 passengers has been delayed until 3024 when we pass the planet
again.
DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME
****Repeat*******
DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME
================================================================================
>The Maid
>
>A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman
>answers.
>
>The guy says, "Who is this?"
>
>"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
>
>"We don't have a maid!"
>
>"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
>
>"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
>
>"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just
>figured was her husband."
>
>The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like
>to make $50,000?"
>
>"What do I have to do?"
>
>"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that
>bitch and the bastard she's with. I will accept full
>responsibility."
>
>The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed
>by a couple of gunshots.
>
>The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the
>bodies?"
>
>"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
>
>"What pool?"
>
>"Ops... is this 832-4821?"
>__________________________________________________________________
>In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was
>still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were
>getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the
>following inscription on her tombstone:
>
>"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
>
>Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told
>his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as
>the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be
>unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:
>
>"Returned unopened"
>==============================================================================
> A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says;
> "Get gas and free sex here". So obviously the guy was interested, so he
> stopped, filled up went inside to pay.
>
> "Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier.
> "Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.
> "Nope! Sorry play again".
>
> So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place,
> because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:
>
> "This has got to be rigged! I have NEVER gotten the number to
> have free sex!" He screamed.
> "Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last
> week alone!"
===============================================================================
> This story was clipped from the recent Darwin awards, which people get
> for doing something incredibly stupid:
>
> Here's the winner: Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have
> actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, as hard
> as you may find it to believe...
>
> Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he
> graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming
> a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he
> finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others
> fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As
> he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.
>
> Then one day, Larry had an idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy
> surplus store and bought forty-five weather balloons, and several tanks
> of helium. These were not your brightly colored party balloons, these
> were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully
> inflated.
>
> Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn
> chair, the kind you might have in your back yard. He anchored the chair
> to the bumper of his jeep, and inflated the balloons with helium. Then
> he packed a few sandwiches and drinks, and a loaded BB gun, figuring he
> could pop a few balloons when it was time to return to earth.
>
> His preparations complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the anchoring
> cord. His plan was to lazily float into the sky, and eventually back to
> terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut
> the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a cannon!
> Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he
> finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet!
>
> At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest
> he unbalance the load and really experience flying. So he stayed up there,
> sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss about how to get down.
>
> Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles
> International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing
> a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet, with a gun in his lap...
> Now there's a conversation I would have given anything to have heard!
>
> LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds
> on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out
> to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him,
> but the rescue team had a hard time getting to him because the draft from
> their propeller kept pushing his home-made contraption farther and farther
away.
>
> Eventually, they were able to hover above him and drop a rescue line, with
> which they gradually hauled him back to safety. As soon as Larry hit the
> ground, he was arrested. But as he was led away in handcuffs, a television
> reporter called out, "Sir, why'd you do it?"
>
> Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just
sit around!"
>===============================================================================
>MEMO
>
>To: All employees
>
>From: Management
>
>Subject: Special High Intensity Training
>
>In order to assure the highest levels of quality Word and productivity
>from all employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
>trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training
>(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than
>anyone else.
>
>If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
>please see your supervisor. You will immediately be placed at the top
>of the S.H.I.T. list; our management is specially skilled at seeing
>that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
>
>Employees who do not take S.H.I.T. will be placed in Department
>Employees Evaluation Program (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers
>took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to take
>S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are full of S.H.I.T. already.
>
>If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in training others.
>We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List
>(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get
>S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity
>Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
>
>If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of
>Training - Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
>
>Thank you,
>
>Boss In General
>Special High Intensity Training
>(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
>=============================================================================
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear
to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers
right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is
using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines
start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering
among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people
begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming
more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
============================================================================
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine
by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their
pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While
it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in
the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the
money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,
and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked
the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill
on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the
cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash
in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man
took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer? Fifteen dollars.
===============================================================================
>Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring
>yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion
>among them.
>
>First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled
>our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now,
>I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't
>givin' him any of mine."
>
>Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3
>years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine.
>I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY
>COWS."
>
>Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only
>let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you
>fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY
>cows."
>
>They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up
>in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
>Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step
>he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.=
>
>First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I
>really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare=
>a few for our new friend."
>
>Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay
>on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking
>for an argument."
>
>They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing
>the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
>
>
>First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
>some of your cows and live to tell about it."
>
>Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he
>knows I'M a bull!"
>=============================================================================
here was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished
building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it
himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it
for
him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give
a
sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at
his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and
moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he
understood
and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor
got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this
guy:
"You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw".
The other guy replied:
"I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming".
==============================================================================
Hello, Just thought I'd warn you I just received this from one of my buddies on
the net.
This information was received this morning from IBM, please share it
with anyone that might access the Internet:
If anyone receives mail entitled; PENPAL GREETINGS! please delete
it WITHOUT reading it!! This is a warning for all Internet users -
there is a dangerous virus propagating across the Internet through
an e-mail message entitled "PENPAL GREETINGS!".
DO NOT DOWNLOAD ANY MESSAGE ENTITLED "PENPAL GREETINGS"!! This message
appears to be a friendly letter asking you if you are
interested in a penpal, but by the time you read this letter, it is
too late. The "trojan horse" virus will have already infected the
boot sector of your hard drive, destroying all of the data
present.
It is a self-replicating virus, and once the message is read, it
will AUTOMATICALLY forward itself to anyone who's e-mail address is
present in YOUR mailbox!
This virus will DESTROY your hard drive, and holds the potential to
DESTROY the hard drive of anyone whose mail is in your in box, and
who's mail is in their in box and so on. If this virus keeps
getting passed, it has the potential to do a great deal of DAMAGE to
computer networks worldwide!!!!
Please, delete the message entitled "PENPAL GREETINGS!" as soon as
you see it! And pass this message along to all of your friends,
relatives and the other readers of the newsgroups and mailing
lists which you are on so that they are not hurt by this dangerous
virus!!!!
Please pass this along to everyone you know so this can be stopped.
=========================================================================
A dum blonde sees some cheerios on the floor.
She says: Oh donut crums!!!
=========================================================================
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to
paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was
told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle
at the Little Bighorn.
Deep in thought, the artist goes to his studio. After many false
starts, he proceeds to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after
*months* of work, the painting is unveiled for the curator. In the
foreground, there is a beautiful pasture with a plump dairy cow
placidly grazing. Around the cow's head is a halo. But in the
background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native
American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage
he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do
with Custer's Last Thought?" The artist says, "It's simple; Custer's
last thought had to have been, 'Holy Cow! Where did all these fucking
Indians come from?'"
=============================================================================
During the french revolution a frenchman a german and a method agent are
sent to the guillotine.They were each given the choice to die with honor
looking up or as a coward looking down.
The frenchman went first and said :"I will die looking up!"
So the blade comes down and jams half way. As tradition requires he is
sent free.
The german went next, and said : "I will die looking up!"
The same thing happens, and he is sent free.
The method agent said it went well for them so I will do the same and
said : "I will die looking up!"
So they install him in the guillotine and he looks up to the blade and
says : "Oh I see the problem! Here is how to fix it..."
================================================================================
=
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the
doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and
asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that
the
machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother
and
give it to the father.
Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea,
and
decided to give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine
to
ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten
percent
was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man
was
surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go
ahead
and turn it up a notch.
The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the
husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor
turned
the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent.
Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give
him
ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to
one
hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up,
stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them
feeling fine.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.
==============================================================================
>( History : This award is given posthumously to people who are
> inadvertantly helping in weeding out the "stupid"
> genetic pool from society. )
>
>There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These
>are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those
>most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental
>Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous
>folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air.
>Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back
>down.
>
>Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girl-
>friend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a
>tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a
>tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it.
>
>Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat
>there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised
>ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5
>beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business
>right there off the tower.
>
>Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order
>to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines,like those
>supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.
>
>When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced up his
>"stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up
>to his private parts, and blew him off the tower.
>
>The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and
>sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the
>scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what
>was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top.
>==============================================================================
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other
and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt
revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which
reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo
and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off
and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation
for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees
the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
==============================================================================
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the
cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked,
"How many sales did you make today?".
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a
day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that
twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen
probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department
and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment,
"You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go
fishing.'"
==============================================================================
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud
hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to
help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer
can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and
ties some rope around the bumper. He
then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the
rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell
into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some
help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the
hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my
dick and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to
safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't
need a Mercedes!
==============================================================================
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive
me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
436."
===============================================================================
>>>> WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING UP ON THE WALL FOR? THE JOKE IS IN YOUR
>
> >HANDS. -
> >>>> Men's room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY
> >>>>
> >>>> NO MATTER HOW GOOD SHE LOOKS, SOME OTHER GUY IS SICK AND
> TIRED
> >OF
> >>>>PUTTING UP WITH HER SHIT.
> >>>> - Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
> >>>>
> >>>> IF YOU CAN PISS THIS HIGH, JOIN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
> >>>> -on the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 ft.
> > O'Ryan's
> >>>> Irish Pub. Ashland Oregon
> >>>>
> >>>> DON'T SWITCH DICKS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCREW. STICK WITH
> >NIXON. -
> >>>> Nathan'. Washington D.C.
> >>>>
> >>>> BEAUTY IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY
> >>>> -Perkins Library. Duke University
> >>>>
> >>>> I'VE DECIDED THAT TO RAISE MY GRADES I MUST LOWER MY
> >STANDARDS. -
> >>>> Houghton Library, Harvard University.
> >>>>
> >>>> IF LIFE IS A WASTE OF TIME AND TIME IS A WASTE OF LIFE, THEN
> >LET'S ALL
> >>>> GET WASTED TOGETHER AND HAVE THE TIME OF OUR LIVES.
> >>>> - Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
> >>>>
> >>>> IF BUSH WERE CAPTAIN OF THE TITANIC, HE'D SAY WE WERE
> STOPPING
> >FOR
> >>>> ICE. -Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia
> >>>>
> >>>> REMEMBER, IT'S NOT, "HOW HIGH ARE YOU?" IT'S "HI, HOW ARE
> >YOU?" - Rest
> >>>> Stop off Route 81, West Virginia
> >>>>
> >>>> BEWARE OF LIMBO DANCERS
> >>>> - On the bottom of the stall door, Women's bathroom, Broad
> >Ripple Brew
> >>>> Pub, Indianapolis
> >>>>
> >>>> ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY... THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS A
> >GOVERNMENT JOB.
> >>>> - Women's restroom. Cincinatti
> >>>>
> >>>> I'D RATHER HAVE A BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME THAN A FRONTAL
> >LABOTOMY. -
> >>>> Bailey Howe Library, University of Vermont.
> >>>>
> >>>> HEY, YOUR KARMA JUST RAN OVER MY DOGMA. - Blueberry Hill, St.
>
> >Louis MO
> >>>>
> >>>> FLUSH TWICE, IT'S A LONG WAY TO THE KITCHEN.
> >>>> - Restroom, Washakie Cafeteria, University of Wyoming
> >>>>
> >>>> GOD MADE POT, MAN MADE BEER. WHO DO YOU TRUST. - The Irish
> >Times,
> >>>> Washington, D.C.
> >>>>
> >>>> FIGHTING FOR PEACE IS LIKE SCREWING FOR VIRGINITY. - The
> >Bayou, Baton
> >>>> Rouge, LA
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> AT THE FEAST OF EGO, EVERYONE LEAVES HUNGRY.
> >>>> - Bently's House of coffee and tea, Tucson, AZ
> >>>>
> >>>> CHRIS-JUST REMEMBER THAT THIS DOLLAR IS NOT TO BE SPENT UNTIL
>
> >>>> EVERYTHING BETWEEN US IS OVER (COMPLETLY!!). PLEASE
> REMEMBER
> >THAT I
> >>>> LOVE YOU !!!! - TORI
> >>>> - On dollar bill F602225237
> >>>>
> >>>> IT'S HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.
> -
> >written
> >>>> in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, AZ
> >>>>
> >>>> MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR. HELL DO BOTH, GET MARRIED. -Women's
> >restroom, The
> >>>> Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
> >>>>
> >>>> GOD IS DEAD
> >>>> - Nietzshce
> >>>> NIETZSHCE IS DEAD
> >>>> - God
> >>>>
> >>>> IF VOTING COULD REALLY CHANGE THINGS, IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL. -
> >>>> Revolution Books, NY
> >>>>
> >>>> THIS BUBBLE GUM TASTES LIKE RUBBER. YEAH, BUT IT LASTS A
> LONG
> >TIME.
> >>>> AND IT BLOWS GREAT BUBBLES.
> >>>> - Condom machine. Missoula, MT
> >>>>
> >>>> A WOMAN'S RULE OF THUMB, IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, YOU'RE
>
> >GOING TO
> >>>> HAVE TROUBLE WITH IT.
> >>>> - Women's restroom, Dallas, TX
> >>>>
> >>>> JESUS SAVES! BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN BETTER IF HE WOULD
> >HAVE
> >>>> INVESTED. - Men's restroom, American University
> >>>>
> >>>> JUST 'CAUSE IT'S CLEAN DON'T MEAN IT'S FRESH. -
> >Port-O'-John's, Acadia
> >>>> Nat'l Park, Maine
> >>>>
> >>>> IF PRO IS OPPOSITE OF CON, THEN WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF
> >PROGRESS?
> >>>> CONGRESS.
> >>>> - Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
> >>>>
> >>>> BILL CLINTON THREW UP HERE.
> >>>> - The Oyster Bar. Little Rock, AK
> >>>>
> >>>> LSD CONSUMES 47 TIMES ITS WEIGHT IN EXCESS REALITY. - mens
> >room The
> >>>> 400 Bar, Minneapolis, MN
> >>>>
> >>>> I USED TO BE INTO NECROPHILIA AND BEASTIALITY....BUT THEN I
> >REALIZED I
> >>>> WAS JUST KICKING A DEAD HORSE.
> >>>> - The Cellar Restaurant, VA
> >>>>
> >>>> IF IT WASN'T INTENDED TO BE EATEN, IT WOULDN'T BE SHAPED LIKE
>
> >A TACO.
> >>>> - Nathan's, Washington, D.C.
> >>>>
> >>>> WHY DO DRUNK MEN MISS THE TOILET? WHY DO SOBER MEN? - South
> >Main
> >>>> Cafe. VA
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> HEY NIKE, I JUST DID IT.
> >>>> - Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD
> >>>>
> >>>>=====================================================================
Mens Guide to what Women are really saying.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"We need" = "I want"
"It's your decision " = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."
"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."
"We need to talk" = "I need to complain"
"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
"You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = "I have flabby thighs."
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."
"I need wedding shoes" = "the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of
white."
"Hang the picture there" = "NO, I mean hang it there!"
"I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not
going to like."
"I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V."
"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."
"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."
"Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead."
"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used
to it."
"I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important."
The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry."
"I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy."
"I'm tired." = "I'm tired."
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with
you."
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with
you."
"Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Nice dress!" = "Nice cleavage!"
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you."
"What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?"
"What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "
"I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex?"
"I love you." = "Let's have sex now."
"I love you, too." = "Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "I liked it better before."
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that
much different!"
"Let's talk." = "I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me."
"Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys."
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = "I am gay."
===============================================================================
Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER?
A: We don't know... it's never happened!!
Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull terrier
Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spit, swallow and gargle
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car.
"Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!" So the other nun
leans
out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! Fuck off!".
A blonde guy was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign
that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to himself
"oh well!" and turned around and drove home!
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean)....
1. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing
geek in "Deliverance.")
2. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
3. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've
ever laid eyes upon.)
4. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the
whole
night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
5. I've got a boyfriend. (Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of
Hagendaaz).
6. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you
were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
7. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
8. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and
unfulfilling
as my job is better than dating you.)
9. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
10. ...and the number 1 rejection line given by women : "Let's be friends".
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all
the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
The male perspective on the same issue ....just to redress the balance.
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
1. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
2. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
4. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
5. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
6. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
7. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
9. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
10. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
==============================================================================
"We take greater pains to persuade others that we are happy,
than in endeavoring to be so ourselves." - OLIVER GOLDSMITH
==============================================================================
Bumper stickers and philosophy
==============================
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Your kid may be an honour student, but you're still an
idiot.
* All generalisations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn
signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.
Dorothy.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
* Born free...Taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be
a vegetarian.
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is
like the IRS.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power
surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited
inventory.
* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes
from?
* How can I miss you if you won't go away?
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
OR:...................on the Schedule
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get
worse.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move
bodies.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere
may be happy.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekashun.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those
who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
===============================================================================
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting near his
pad.
Cowboy; Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian; Dog no talk.
Cowboy; Hey dog, hows it going?
Dog; Doin alright.
Indian;
Cowboy; Is this your owner?
Dog; Yep
Cowboy; How's he treat you?
Dog; Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian;
Cowboy; Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian; Horse no talk.
Cowboy; Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse; Cool.
Indian;
Cowboy; Is this your owner?
Horse; Yep
Cowboy; How's he treat you?
Horse; Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements.
Indian;
Cowboy; Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian; Sheep Lie!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A lady walks into this diner sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
>hamburger. The huge woman behind the counter bellows, "Oneburger!" Ed the
>cook,
>who's even bigger and more disgusting, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he
>grabs a
>huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few
>times
>to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The lady says, "That's
>the
>most disgusting thing I've ever seen." The waitress replies, "Oh yeah?
>That's
>nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of
>this
>particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness
>(with a
>medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from
>that
>member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion,
>sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
>responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your
>other
>hand."
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------->
>This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and
>singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a
>while
>then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
>
>She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an
>eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah,
>right.
> And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name
>never
>came up."
================================================================================
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband
keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing.
What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion
to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in
the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs.
Jones.
"God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your
ass!
==============================================================================
THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Mgmt. Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Mgmt. Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet
and one is a tail.
Mgmt. Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per
unit-mouse.
Mgmt. Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies
and one tail assembly per body.
Mgmt. Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.
Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end
opposite the body; the tail is not equipped
with a foot.
Mgmt. Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be:
Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as
it would constitute misapportionment of scarce
appendage assets.
Mgmt. Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a
small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse
structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse
sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
ornamental in nature.
Mgmt. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.
==============================================================================
Subject: Three men in Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had
been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit
only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your
story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.
As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong,
but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have
been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there
was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was
really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you
know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died
there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over
the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the
floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly
this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when
he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until
he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my
hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the
bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to
be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me
instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."
===============================================================================
A penguin is taking a road trip when his car suddenly breaks down.
Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street from a
mechanic. So, he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic
to take a look. The mechanic tells him that it will probably take
a little while to find the problem and asks him to come back in an
hour.
The penguin goes over to the supermarket, buys some fish sticks
and vanilla ice cream, and spends the rest of the hour hanging
out in the frozen section.
After the hour is up, he waddles over to the mechanic's shop.
Seeing him come in, the mechanic walks over, and wiping his hands
on a rag, says, "Looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says,
"No, it's just vanilla ice cream."
============================================================================
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen nor
touched...but are felt in the heart." -HELEN KELLER
============================================================================
In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" Magazine, editors quoted from
the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation telling
the following (true) story:
It seems that the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration has a unique
device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The
device is a gun (developed by Texas A&M) that launches a dead
chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed that the
plane flies. The theory is that if the window does not crack from
the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during
flight.
Well, it seems that the British were very interested in this and
wanted to test a windshield on a brand-new high speed locomotive they
were developing. They borrowed one of the FAA's chicken launchers,
loaded a chicken and fired.
The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the
engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in
the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked
the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had just one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."
=============================================================================
A husband and wife are cruising down the street and get pulled
over by a cop.
The policeman walks to the car and asks for the man's license.
"what do you need my licence for? What did I do wrong?" snaps the man.
"You were going 45 in a 30 mph zone," replies the cop.
"Come on officer," the man replies, "You know I was only going 35!"
"No you weren't" says the wife. "I told you not to speed? I told you to
slow down? I told you you'd get a ticket!"
"Shut up!" growls the husband.
The policeman continues, "I'm also citing you for running a red light."
"Officer," the husband protests, "You know as well as I that that light
was yellow not red!"
The wife says "No, it was most definitely red. I told you it was red
before you ran it. I told you!"
"SHUT UP!!!" shouts the infuriated husband.
The policeman says, "Stop yelling at your wife." He turns to her and
asks, "Does he always treat you like that?"
She smiles and says, "NO, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
==============================================================================
A man enters a bar with a little spider monkey perched on his shoulder,
and
proceeds to sit at the bar, and orders a beer.
As the man was drinking his beer, the monkey decided to take a walk
along
the bar, and began snacking on everything in sight. Chips, peanuts,
popcorn
pretzels etc...
Suddenly, the little bugger jumped from the bar onto the pool table, and
proceeded to gulp down the cue ball!!!
The bartender could not believe his eyes. How could such a tiny little
monkey
swallow a whole pool ball like that in one go??
After a while, the man knocked back his last frosty for the night, took
his
monkey and went home.
One week later, he and his monkey returned.
As to be expected, while the man quaffed his brew, the monkey started to
search for something to snack.
The bartender watched in amazement as the monkey plucked a cherry from
behind the bar, eyeballed it very closely, shoved it up it's ass, pulled
it back
out,and then... finally...ate it.
Totally confused, the bartender asked the man "Did I just see what I
think I
just saw?"
"You most certainly did" replied the man...."You see, ever since he
swallowed
that cue ball last week, HE MEASURES EVERYTHING HE EATS!!!!
===============================================================================
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well,
please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue......................
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue..................
"My God, why have you forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, my car
and my wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always
been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A FUCKING TICKET".
===============================================================================
Here are some 'Why ask why's?'
==============================
If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights
off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
when it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell them they have the right to
remain silent?
What is the speed of dark?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
If a Smurf is choking, what color does he turn?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there llocks on
the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the
pan ?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?
Why do they call buildings, buildings? Why don't they call them
'builts'?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
==============================================================================
Three nuns died and went to Heaven. St. Peter told them that they had
been saintly and holy nuns but would each have to answer a question in
order to enter Heaven.
He asked the first nun, Sister Angelica, "Who was the first man on
earth?"
"Oh", she replied. "That was Adam."
Trumpets blared, angels sang, St. Peter gave her a white robe and
welcomed Sister Angelica to Heaven.
He asked the second nun, Sister Carmela, "Who was the first woman on
earth?"
"Oh", she replied. "That would be Eve."
Trumpets blared, angels sang, St. Peter gave her a white robe and
welcomed Sister Carmela to Heaven.
The third nun, Sister Maria, was getting a bit nervous because the first
questions had been so easy. St. Peter turned to her and asked "What was
the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
"WOW", she replied. "That's a hard one."
Trumpets blared, angels sang, St. Peter gave her a white robe and
welcomed Sister Maria to Heaven.
===============================================================================
Three nuns died and went to Heaven. St. Peter told them that they had
been saintly and holy nuns but would each have to answer a question in
order to enter Heaven.
He asked the first nun, Sister Angelica, "Who was the first man on
earth?"
"Oh", she replied. "That was Adam."
Trumpets blared, angels sang, St. Peter gave her a white robe and
welcomed Sister Angelica to Heaven.
He asked the second nun, Sister Carmela, "Who was the first woman on
earth?"
"Oh", she replied. "That would be Eve."
Trumpets blared, angels sang, St. Peter gave her a white robe and
welcomed Sister Carmela to Heaven.
The third nun, Sister Maria, was getting a bit nervous because the first
questions had been so easy. St. Peter turned to her and asked "What was
the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
"WOW", she replied. "That's a hard one."
Trumpets blared, angels sang, St. Peter gave her a white robe and
welcomed Sister Maria to Heaven.
==============================================================================
-----------
A Newfy girl competed with a French and an English girl
in the breast stroke division of an English Channel swim
competition.
The French girl came in first, the English girl second.
The Newfy girl reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked,
"I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used
their arms!"
***********************************************
Endangered Species...
***********************************************
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put
in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went
something like this:
JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
MAN: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."
JUDGE: "Proceed."
MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two
weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down
at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could
maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish
I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as
well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the
ground."
JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But
if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe
it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted
Owl."
===========================================================================
Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.
After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and
walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling! Take
me to your leader!" The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien
became agitated and again demanded
"Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent. Frustrated, the
alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the
captain:
"Report."
"I contacted an earthling - he would not cooperate."
"Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself."
"Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble."
The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. "Earthling, you
will cooperate. Take me to your leader." The gas pump remained
unresponsive. "Very well."
The captain drew his blaster. "If you do not respond by the count of
three, I shall be forced to fire on you. One. Two. Three." ZZZZZT. WHAM!
The gas pump
exploded, knocking the alien ass over teakettle. The captain jumped up
and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would propel him.
"Quickly! Make ready to depart!"
"Yes sir. What happened sir?"
"I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully."
"Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen."
"How did you know that there would be trouble?"
"Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around
his feet and stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one bad
bastard."
===========================================================================
Little Red Riding Hood was going to visit her grandmother, so she put on
her
little red dress, her little red socks, and her little red panties. Her
mother said, "Little Red Riding Hood, take care on the way to Grandma's,
because if you run into the Big Bad Wolf, you know what he'll do to you.
He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties,
and fuck the little red socks off you.
She said, "Don't worry Mama, I'm bringing my shotgun." And off she
went.She went along until she met the woodsman on the path to Grandma's house.
He said, "Where are you going Little Red Riding Hood?". She said, "I'm
going to visit my grandma." He said to her, "Well, take care on the way to
Grandma's house, because if you run into the Big Bad Wolf, you know what
he'll do to you. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your
little red panties, and fuck the little red socks off you."
She said, "Don't worry. I've brought my shotgun." And off she went.
After traveling down the path a ways, who should jump out in front of
Little
Red Riding Hood, but the Big Bad Wolf! He said, "Aha! Little Red
Riding
Hood, you shouldn't have come this way on your journey to visit your
grandma. Because, now, you know what I'm going to do to you? I'm going
to pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and
I'm going to fuck your little red socks off."
Little Red Riding Hood looked at the Big Bad Wolf, pulled up her little
red dress, pulled down her little red panties, laid down on the path, spread
her legs, pointed the shotgun right at the Big Bad Wolf and said, "Oh no
you're not!! You're going to eat me, just like the book says!
============================================================================
Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan
convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says,
"Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door."
The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big eskimo nudges the
little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the
question."
The little eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that
lives here please?"
The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."
The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go
ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question."
The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well. Are there any
midget nuns in Alaska?"
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe
so."
With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching
his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little
eskimo, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"
============================================================================
FRUIT, FRUIT, WHERE IS THE FRUIT?
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then
captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could
live if
they pass the trial.
First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and
get
ten
pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather
fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The
king
then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your a#$
with
out any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went
in...
but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When
the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should
be
easy.
1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth
berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The
second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."
==============================================================================
> A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing
> with his new electric train in the living room.
>
> She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches
> who want off, get the hell off now ' cause this is the last stop. And
> all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the
> train 'cause we're leaving."
>
> The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use
> that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room
> for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I
> want you to use nice language."
>
> Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing
> with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son
> say,"All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to
> take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us
> today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
> with us again soon."
>
> "For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage
> under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car.
> We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us."
>
> "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay
> please see the bitch in the kitchen."
>============================================================================
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African
diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had
received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport.
Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."
The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If
you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play.
I'II show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude
women were ushered in.
"You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told
the American.
"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like
Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
==============================================================================
Useful Phrases To Know When Traveling Through Arab Countries
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor
with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your
car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I
will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling
as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!
Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold would be lovely, your excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have
the recipe.
===============================================================================
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with
a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to write
and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly
stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultary or
fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white
child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to
talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin,
yet here a black woman gives birth to white child. You are the only
white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a
genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What
you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look
to the yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is
one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a
moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep,
I won't say anything about the white child"!
================================================================================
> >>
> >> A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's
> >> been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he
> >> could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under
> >> trees.
> >>
> >> One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
> >> covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the
> >> area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying
> >> someone is home.
> >>
> >> He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost
> >> down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do
> >> you want?"
> >>
> >> The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had
> >> a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I
> >> could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
> >>
> >> The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You
> >> cannot
> >> mess around with my grandaughter"
> >>
> >> The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I
> >> won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."
> >>
> >>
> >> The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll
> >> give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
> >>
> >> "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he
> >> thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the
> >> wilderness all her life?
> >>
> >> Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he
> >> saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl,
> >> and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many
> >> months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the
> >> occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't
> >> keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
> >>
> >>
> >> That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite
> >> a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back
> >> to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture
> >> tests would be worth it after that experience."
> >>
> >> Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest.
> >> He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the
> >> rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your
> >> chest".
> >>
> >> "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up
> >> and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the
> >> rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd
> >>
> >>
> >> worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
> >>
> >> The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed,
> >> jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third
> >> sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to
> >> bedpost".
> >>
==============================================================================
----------
More Darwin Awards
==============
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon the remains of
that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the
most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Runners-up:
[Associated Press, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when
he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down
the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was
pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred
about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his
friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid
some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the
pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has
since been determined that the tower he hit was the one with its pad
removed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Associated Press, St. Louis, Missouri] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently
being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to
call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked
out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the
store; paramedics removed the six-inch hot dog sausage from his throat,
where it had choked him to death.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Merit
========================
[Associated Press, Kincaid, West Virginia] Blasting Cap Explodes in
Man's Mouth at Party!
A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state
police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting
cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying
to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll
show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It
blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer
was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial
injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine anyone doing something that," Payne said.
[United Press International, Portland, Oregon]
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said that Wednesday an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club,
Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a
beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors
said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr.
Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow
went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the
rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he
surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he
and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel
so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine
County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under
investigation.
==============================================================================
>So you think you're having a bad day ? The following is taken from
>a Florida newspaper:
>
>A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in
>the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the
>motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man,
>still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door
>and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
>
>The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
>husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
>next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone
>and summoned an ambulance.
>
>Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
>several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics
>to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the
>husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and
>pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the
>wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw
>the towels in the toilet.
>
>The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come
>home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door
>and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went
>into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After
>finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the
>toilet bowl while still seated.
>
>The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
>husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband
>laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was
>suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
>The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
>
>The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the
>street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began
>carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to
>the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the
>wife how the husband had burned himself.
>
>She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of
>them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down
>the remaining steps and broke his ankle.
==============================================================================
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above
the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in
his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he
floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway
-- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes
100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to
the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches
the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really
lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and
I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran
off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view
mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give
her back to me!"
==============================================================================
A story from the mid-1930s:
The scene: The University of Edinburgh medical school, a second-term
human physiology course. Prof. Kenneth Ivors, Instructor: "Good
morning, class. Before we begin today's lecture, I should like to
discover how well ye have been tracking the previous material. Miss
MacMaster, will ye stand?"
She stands. "Can ye tell me, which organ of the body achieves 10 times
its normal size when it is excited?" She stammers, reddens, says
nothing.
"You may sit down, Miss MacMaster. Mr. Campbell, will ye answer that
question?"
"'Tis the pupil of the eye, sir." "Very good. Now, Miss MacMaster, I
have three things to say to ye: One, ye have not done your homework.
Two, ye have a dirty mind. And three, you're in for a big
disappointment."
============================================================================
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's
face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated
some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from
his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because
after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her
friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was
alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time
your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
=============================================================================
Three friends, Bill, Peter and John were out in a boat fishing
one summer's day. As time passed they became very tired and fell
asleep. A short while later Peter awoke and saw that Bill was not on
the boat. In a panic he woke up John and asked him what happened to
Bill.
John said "He must have fallen overboard while sleeping"
and dove into the water to find him. He returned to the surface with
the body and Peter helped him get it into the boat and immediately
began mouth to mouth resuscitation. A few
minutes pass and Peter says "Man I don't remember Bill's breath being
so raunchy."
John replied "Come to think of it I don't remember him wearing
a snowmobile suit."
==============================================================================
> Frank constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
> No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would remark,
> "It could have been worse." to cure him of this annoying habit,
> his friends decided to invent a situation so bad, so terrible,
> that even Frank could find no hope in it.
> On the golf course one day, a friend said,"Frank, did you hear
> about Tim ? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with
> another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself."
> "That's horrible," Frank said. "But it could have been worse."
> How could it possibly be any worse?" the friend asked.
> "Well," Frank answered, "if it had happened the night before,
> I'd be dead."
==============================================================================
>The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
>been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under
>the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become
>pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the
>service of a proxy father- a government employee who attempts to
>solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
>The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is
>due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The
>government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door
>baby photographer rings the bell...
>
>=============================================================================
>Ms Smith: "Good morning."
>Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to-"
>Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
>Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies,
> especially twin.
>Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
> and have a seat."
>Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
>Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
> is the right thing to do."
>Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
>Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
>Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
> bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
> Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to
> really spread out."
>Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked
> for Harry and me."
>Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
> every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
> from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
> the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
>Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
>Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take
> his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
> you'd be disappointed with that."
>Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
>Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
> look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on
> top of a bus in downtown London."
>Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
>Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
> They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
> mother was so difficult to work with."
>Ms Smith: "She was?"
>Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
> Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
> under such impossible conditions. People were crowding
> around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
>Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
>Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so
> excited she started bouncing around, squealing and
> yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid
> I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time
> darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots.
> When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just
> packed it all in."
>Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
>Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my
> work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented
> technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the
> front window of a big department store."
>Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
>Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
> that we can get to work."
>Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
>Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
> It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
> shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!
=============================================================================
This guy is absolutely parched after a hard day at work. He decides to
go into a bar to have a beer. Once he walks into the bar he realizes that
it's a gay bar. He's so thirsty that he decides to get a beer any ways.
He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer.
The bartender says with a lisp "You can't have a beer without telling me
the name of your penis first." The guys tells him that he isn't gay but
just wants a beer. The bartender insists on having a name for the man's penis.
So the guy asks the bartender what his penis' name is. The bartender
responds(With a lisp): "My penis is named Nike--you know, JUST DO IT!"
So the guy thinks for a while and tells the bartender that his penis'
name is "SECRET."
The bartender is perplexed and asks: " Secret?" The guy
responds: "Ya, you know: STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
===========================================================================
Good morning!
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for
other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is
spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable
resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product
brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him
that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched
at system initialisation where it can monitor all other system activity.
He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash
2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system
when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At
installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such
as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence
system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:
* A "Don't remind me again" button
* Minimise button
* An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with
the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other
system resources
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which
would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.
I decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 6.0. Even here, however, I found many
problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 6.0 on top of
previous Girlfriend versions 1.0 through 5.0. You must uninstall
previous Girlfriend versions first. Other users say this is a long-
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the
versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O
port.
You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make
matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 though 5.0
doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application
in the system.
Another annoying problem - all versions of Girlfriend continually
popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
*** BUG WARNING ***
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse
to
install, claiming insufficient system resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink
6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been
known to carry viruses that may infect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider
under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can
accidentally be downloaded from the Mistress.
==========================================================================
>>
>>>An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.
>>>During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing
>>>how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the
>>>course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more
>>>between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
>>>
>>>Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest
>>>volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I
>>>assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely
>>>professional."
>>>
>>>About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly
>>>priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came
>>>to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
>>>gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
>>>The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a
>>>letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear
>>>Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle
>>>from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
>>> ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever
>>>since you were here for dinner."
>>>
>>> Several days later the elderly priest received a letter
>>>from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying
>>> that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not
>>>saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the
>>>fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you
>>>would have found the gravy ladle by now."
>>============================================================================
>>
>>Some useful tips on relationships:
>>
>>
>>Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from
>>their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score" from Men's Health
>>Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some things that are just
>>expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:
>>
>> Simple Duties
>> -------------
>> You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
>> wings: +5
>> But return with beer: -5
>> You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
>> You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
>> You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
>> You pummel it with a six iron: +10
>> It's her father: -10
>>
>>
>> Social Engagements
>> ------------------
>> You stay by her side the entire party: 0
>> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
> drinking buddy: -2
>> Named Tiffany: -4
>> Tiffany is a dancer: -6
>> Tiffany has implants: -8
>>
>>
>> Saturday Afternoons
>> -------------------
>> You visit her parents: +1
>> You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
>> You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
>> And the television is off: -6
>> You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
>> And you didn't even go to college: -10
>> And it's not really your underwear: -15
>>
>> Her Birthday
>> ------------
>> You take her out to dinner: 0
>> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
>> Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
>> And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
>> It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is =
>> painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
>> You give her a gift: 0
>> You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
>> You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
>> You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
>> You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
>> You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
>> With her credit card: -30
>> And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
>>
>>
>> Thoughtfulness
>> --------------
>> You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
>> Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
>> And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
>>
>>
>> A Night Out with Your Pals
>> --------------------------
>> You have a few beers: -9
>> For every beer after three, -2 again
>> And miss curfew by an hour: -12
>> You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
>> You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
>> And not wearing any pants: -40
>> Is that a tattoo? -200
>>
>>
>> A Night Out, Just The Two of You
>> --------------------------------
>> You go see a comic: +2
>> He's crude and sexist: -2
>> You laugh: -5
>> You laugh too much: -10
>> She's not laughing: -15
>> You laugh harder: -25
>>
>>
>> Driving
>> -------
>> You lose the directions on a trip: -4
>> You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
>> You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
>> You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close &
>> personal:-25
>> She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
>>
>> Communication
>> -------------
>> When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
>> looks like a concerned expression: 0
>> When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
>> You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
>> television or picking up a newspaper: +10
>> She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10
>>=========================================================================
JUSTIFICATION FOR HIGHER EDUCATION
- In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a
nerd", I submit the following:
- Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute
assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in
endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
-Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
sugarplums dance in his head.
-If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him %7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.
-If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
-He makes $7,415 hour more than minimum wage (after the wage hike). He'll
make $3,710 while watching an episode of Friends.
-If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him
a whole 12 hours.
-If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
-He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but he will be
"reimbursed" $33,390 for that round.
-Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1, 1997.
-If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
-He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
-He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While
the common person is psending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago
restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
-Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all their terms combined.
-Amazing isn't it??
-HOWEVER:
-JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET
WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES
-NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!
======================================================================
> MISTAKE
> Something a virgin and a parachutist can only make once.
> KLEPTOMANIAC
> A snatch thief. Greatly feared by virgins.
> VIRGIN MONKEY
> A monkey that doesn't allow another monkey to monkey around with her
> monkey.
> ADOLESCENCE
> Midway between childhood and adultery.
> A DEEP KISS
> That's when your tongue is so far down her throat that you can taste
> the nicotine on your fingers.
> VIRGIN WOOL
> Wool from a sheep that could outrun the farmer.
> SLIDING ZIPPER
> The last thing a girl hears as a virgin.
> HEN PARTY
> A bunch of birds clucking about who is laying whom.
> RELUCTANT VIRGIN
> One who doesn't want to be one.
> VIRGINITY
> A big issue over a little tissue.
> DOWN AND OUT
> A gay guy who is so ugly he has to go out with girls.
> SEMI-VIRGIN
> A girl who tried it once and didn't like it.
> IMPATIENT VIRGIN
> The only hunter who uses herself as bait.
> METALLURGIST
> A man who can take one look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she
> is virgin metal or common ore.
> A LOSER IS...
> A guy that has a wet dream and wakes up next morning with V.D.
> GAY RANCHERO
> A cowhand who rides sidesaddle.
> OLD MAID
> One who has given up all hope of giving in.
> RACIAL PREJUDICE
> A pigment of your imagination.
> ECSTASY
> The feeling you get when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you
> never felt before.
> UPS AND DOWNS
> What life is full of. Just ask the new bride.
> PAJAMAS
> Items of clothing newlyweds place beside their bed in case of fire
> PREGNANT
> Past tense of virgin.
> STORK
> A bird that is frequently called to account for misdemeanors which
> should really be blamed on a lark.
> OPTIMIST
> A pregnant girl who rubs vanishing cream on her tummy.
> MOTHER'S DAY
> Nine months after Father's Day.
> SUSPICION
> When your beautiful new wife has forty-six towels in her hope chest -
> each from a different hotel.
> HYSTERECTOMY
> An operation that removes the baby carriage but leaves the playpen in
> good condition.
> PREGNANT
> A woman all swelled up over her mate's handiwork.
> QUADRUPLETS
> When one goes into one, one time, and there's four to carry.
> SNOW JOB
> What a lover uses on a woman to defrost her.
> LOVE NEST
> Where a girl who offers no resistance leads a very nice existence.
> TRUE LOVE
> An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection,
> without objection.
> SALESMANSHIP
> Ability to turn rape into rapture.
> SUSPICION
> What you awaken in your wife when you come home from a trip with new sex
> techniques.
> MALE MENOPAUSE
> Change of wife.
> MISTRESS
> Something between a mister and a mattress.
> ADULTERY
> Two wrong people doing the right thing.
> HOMOSEXUAL
> A man's man.
> LESBIAN
> A mannish depressive with illusions of gender.
> MINUTE MAN
> A man who double-parks in front of a house of ill-repute.
> PROFESSIONAL
> A girl who takes it in her head to make money.
> PIMP
> Nookie bookie.
> LA DOLCE VITA
> A streetwalker in Rome who believes in never letting a Dago by.
> PRAM
> Last years fun on wheels, or a blunder bus.
> COOK
> A man who fills tarts with cream.
> AGONY
> Teeth marks on the dunny door.
> PAIN
> Sliding down a forty foot razor blade using your balls for a brake.
> INNOCENCE
> A woman making french letters thinking they are sleeping bags for white
> mice.
> HONESTY
> A pregnant girl paying one and a half on the bus.
> SUSPICION
> Bullshit in a cow paddock.
> TOM CAT
> A ball bearing mouse trap.
> BALL RACE
> A tom cat with a twenty yard start on the vet.
> MASTURBATION
> Doing your own thing.
> DINOSAUR
> Ancient fossil with a colossal tossle.
> ESKIMO
> Frigid midget with a rigid digit.
> LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
> A Communist contraceptive.
> MURDERER
> An extroverted suicide.
> DIVORCE
> Changing your Lay of Wife.
============================================================================
EARS
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both
of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very
self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business,
so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own
a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding
computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all,
so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate
was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man
asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about
me? " This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was
really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better
than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked,
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah,
you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked,
"Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if
you don't have any freakin' ears!"
---------------------
Some Useful Descriptions of Some of the People You Have Work
With Day-to-Day:
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them
together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out score her/him in IQ tests.
Donated his/her body to scientists... Before he/she was done using it.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
============================================================================
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor, but they're
soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've
farted no less than 20 times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day
for seven days and then come back and see me."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into the doctor's office.
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse!
I'm farting just as much, they are still soundless, but now they smell
terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've
fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
=============================================================================
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
> 45 lbs.
>
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
> 45 minutes
>
>
> One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
> The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
>
>
> What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
> Sexual harassment.
> What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
> $3.99 a minute.
>
>
> Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
> It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
>
>
> How can you tell if your wife is dead?
> The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
>
> How can you tell if your husband is dead?
> The sex is the same but you get the remote.
>
>
> What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
> Humpme Dumpme.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Subject: Heavenly Humor!
>
> On their way to a justice of the peace to get married this couple has a
>fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting
>on
>St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder if
>they
>could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they
>ask him.
> St. Peter says, "I dont know, this is the first time anyone ever asked.
> Let me go find out," and he leaves.
>
> The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation they begin
>to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the
>eternal
> aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are
>we stuck together forever?"
>
> St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
>
> "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get married in Heaven."
> "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we
>also get a divorce in Heaven?"
> St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "Whats
>wrong?"
> exclaims the frightened couple.
> "Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest
>up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a
> lawyer!?"
==============================================================================
Yorkshire (UK) police were jolted from their routine of traffic radar
when they apparently began clocking a speeder at 300 mph. It proved to
be no malfunction as a low-flying Harrier Jet screamed overhead a few
seconds later.
When Police officials registered a complaint with the Ministry of
Defense about their damaged equipment, the MOD only replied that the
damage could have been worse. Much worse.
It seems the Harrier's defense systems had locked onto the radar and had
gone into an automatic preemptive strike mode before the pilot decided
enemy antiaircraft activity was unlikely along the motorways of northern
England....
==============================================================================
Here's a little thought for the day:
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a workstation....
----------------
For weeks a little boy kept telling his teacher about the baby brother
or
sister that was expected at his house. Then one day the mother allowed
the
boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The boy was obviously
impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stoped telling his
teacher.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has
become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy
burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommie ate it!"
> Famous Last Words
>
> "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
> --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
> science, 1949
>
> "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
> --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
>
> "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
> with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
> a fad that won't last out the year."
> --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
> 1957
>
> "But what ... is it good for?"
> --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
> 1968, commenting on the microchip.
>
> "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
> --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
> Equipment Corp., 1977
>
> "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
> considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
> of no value to us."
> --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
>
> "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
> Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
> --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
> investment in the radio in the 1920s.
>
> "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
> better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
> --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
> Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
> (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
>
> "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
> --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
>
> "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
> not Gary Cooper."
> --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
> "Gone With The Wind."
>
> "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
> say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like
> you make."
> --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'
> Cookies.
>
> "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
> --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
>
> "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
> --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
>
> "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
> The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
> --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives
> for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
>
> "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
> even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
> funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
> our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
> then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't
> need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
> --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
> Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
> computer.
>
> "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
> reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
> against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
> ladled out daily in high schools."
> --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
> revolutionary rocket work.
>
> "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development
> across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact
> of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development
> as an unalterable condition of weight training."
> --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
> problem by inventing Nautilus.
>
> "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
> You're crazy."
> --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
> to drill for oil in 1859.
>
> "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
> --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,
> 1929.
>
> "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
> --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
> Superieure de Guerre.
>
> "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
> --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
> 1899.
>
> "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
> --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
>
> "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from
> the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
> --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-
> Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
>
> "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
> -- Bill Gates, 1981
>===============================================================================
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well,
please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue......................
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue..................
"My God, why have you forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, my car
and my wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always
been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one
time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A FUCKING TICKET".
============================================================================
FEMALE PERSPECTIVE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think
of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work
half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next
time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
MALE PERSPECTIVE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men like love at first sight?
Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A mute nymphomanic 18 year old girlfriend.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
Penis envy.
How does a woman show he's planning for the future?
Plastic Surgury.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Sex, stupid.
What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift?
Trade her in for two 20 year olds.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Because they're so rare.
What's the difference between a wife and a job.
After 5 years, the job still sucks.
Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera?
Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they
already have.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
Biographies of Happy women
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value,
predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.
============================================================================
******* FAA Flight Test Humor **********
In a recent issue of "Meat and Poultry Magazine", editors
quoted the following story from "Feathers", a publication
of the California Poultry Industry Federation:
The U.S. Federal Aviation Administration has a unique
device for testing the strength of airplane windshields.
The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a
plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane
flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn t Crack from
the carcass impact, it ll survive a real collision with a
bird during flight. It seems that the British were very
interested in this and wanted to test the windshield on a
brand new speedy locomotive they re developing.
They borrowed the FAA s chicken launcher, loaded the
chicken, and fired. The chicken shattered the windshield,
broke an instrument panel, went through the engineer s
chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine
cab.
The British were stunned and asked the FAA to check the
test to see if they did everything correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had only one
recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
***************** Religious Humour ***************************
A burgler was interrested in robbing a mansion that was in
an exposed location. He studied the house for a few days,
and it looked like there didn't appear to be anyone home,
Since there was no moon that night, and the house seemed
to be empty, he decided it would be a good time to rob the
place.
Just after midnight, he worked his way up to a window in the
shadows, forced it open, and climbed inside. Although it was
very dark, he didn't want to turn his flashlight on, for fear the
neighboors might see the light and call the police. As he was
moving around carefully in the dark so as to not make any
noise, all of a sudden he heard a small voice saying " I see
you, and Jesus sees you too."
Not seeing anything around him, he believed it was his mind
playing tricks on him, so he ignored the little voice. But a few
seconds later, the voice, louder this time, said again, "I see
you, and Jesus sees you too". He turned on his flashlight
and pointed it in the direction of the voice, and saw a small
parrot in a birdcage. Just then, the parrot said again, "Yes, I
see you, and Jesus sees you too." Looking right at the parrot,
the burgler said, "You're only a little bird, and what could you
know about religion?" The parrot answered "Nothing at all."
The burgler then said, "Then why are you telling me Jesus can
see me when it is so dark in here?"
The parrot answered, "Jesus is our dog, a Rottweiller, and he
just happens to be standing right behind you!"
=============================================================================
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder He yanked up to Heaven three
influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.
"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world."
With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad
news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God.
The BAD news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a
week."
In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad
news and WORSE news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a
God after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world
in a week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have
good news and BETTER news. The good news is that God considers me
one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better
news is we don't have to fix Windows 95."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy happens to be passing a shoe shop in Dublin one day, and in the
window he spots a pair of shoes. He likes them, so he enters the shop
and asks the assistant, "How much are dem shoes in de window, fella?"
"Those are 500 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.
"Begorrah!" exclaims Paddy, "Dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes."
"Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare," says the assistant.
Paddy certainly can't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes so he
leaves the shop and goes home. He tells his brother, Mick, about the
shoes, and Mick has a brilliant idea: "Sure, Paddy, and we should go
to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make us a fortune, sure enough!"
Paddy is very impressed with this idea, so off they both go to Africa
and they hire a guide to show them to the most crocodile-infested river.
They make camp and Mick says to Paddy, "Tell you what, Paddy, you
start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a
truck." So off Mick goes, back to town with the guide leaving Paddy
to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles.
A couple of weeks later, Mick has pretty much drained the town of all
available bottles of whisky and is running low on cash, so he decides
to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy is getting on.
As he pulls into the camp in the truck, he sees crocodiles everywhere,
stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank,
hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles.
He jumps out of the truck and goes in search of Paddy, and just then
there's a commotion in the river, loads of splashing, and Paddy comes
to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile which he wrestles to the
shore then clubs to death.
"How's it going, there, Paddy?" asks Mick.
"Terrible," replies Paddy, "in fact I've caught about a tousand of
dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!"
-----------------------
Actual Phone Answering Machine Messages
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our
teeth we'll get back to you.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are
my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If
you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't
worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly
the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable
maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms
windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas
no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou
must leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
----------------------------
Order in the Court!
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
witnesses.
1."Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2."The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3."Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4."Were you alone or by yourself?"
5."Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6."Did he kill you?"
7."How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8."You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9."How many times have you committed suicide?"
10.Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11.Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12.Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13.Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14.Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15.Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16.Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17.Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?"
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18.Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?"
A: "Oral."
19.Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy."
20.Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21.Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood?"
---------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his
head out the window!
Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is
an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today
and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I
grew hair under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"
Jay Leno
I dated this girl for two years --and then the nagging starts: "I
wanna know your name..."
Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence
long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they
would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of
Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Billiam Coronel
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen,"
said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."
============================================================================
Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q. How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
A. Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a
"teethbrush."
Q: What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.
Q: What's the difference between trash and white trash?
A: Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like
shit, and get more and more rotten each day.
-------------------------------------------------------
There were this guy from Arkansas named Jethro walking down the road one
day till he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.
Jethro: "Hey Billy Joe what you got in that bag?"
Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens."
Jethro: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how
many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..."
Billy Joe: "Sheeeeiiit Jethro if you guess how many chickens I got in this
bag I'll give you `both' of them"
Jethro: "uhhh...5"
Billy Joe: "Nope"
----------------------------------
HILLBILLY MOM TO HILLBILLY SON
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow `cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where the most
accidents happened within twenty miles of home,...so we moved.
I wont be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that
lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't
have to change their address, wish I would have thought of that.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it,
pulled the chain, and haven't seen `em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the
second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too
heavy to send in the mail with those heavy buttons, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last
payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out
whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle,
yet.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some of the men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him, and he burned
for about 3 days.
Three of your friends when off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the
other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window
and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate
down in time.
Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.
Love, Mom.
P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU MONEY, but the envelope was already sealed.
----------------------------------
Tommy O'Malley goes to church to confess his sins. He slips into the
confessional and says "forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have slept
with a loose woman".
The Father says "Tommy O'Malley is that you"? Tommy: "Yes Father, it is".
Father: "Well who was the loose woman"?
Tommy: "I'm sorry Father, but I cannot tell you". Father: "Was it Maggie
O'Reily"?
Tommy: "No Father".
Father: "Was it Debbie McDonald"?
Tommy: "No Father it wasn't".
Father: "Was it Nancy Flannigan"?
Tommy: "No. I'm sorry Father but, I cannot tell you who it was".
Father: "Well, I admire your strength. You will say 5 hail Mary's and 4 Our
Fathers".
Tommy leaves the confessional and slips into a pew beside his friend. His
friend says "Well, what did you get"? Tommy says "I got 5 hail Mary's, 4
Our Father's and 3 good leads"!
-------------------------------------
AND HERE'S A TRUE SPORTS JOKE.
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the
ball, he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of
curiosity he asks her what she is brewing. "A magic potion" she replies.
"Well what is it for?" he asks.
"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer" she relpies. At this he
gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but
warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life. After a
short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back
to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he
challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible
moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to
and has a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the
same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into
the woods so he can talk to her.
"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"
"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the
country and never lost a game."
"And how about your sex life?"
"Oh, not bad."
"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times
did you have sex last year?"
"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."
"And you call that not bad?"
"Well for a priest with a small parish....."
A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his
mathematics. His parents worked with him night after night but there
was no improvement. His math marks were dismal. His parents in
desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They
decided to try the Catholic school system but not until after they had
given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not
religious. They checked around and the school seemed to have a good
academic record. They reluctantly enrolled their son in the separate
school. Immediately the boy's math marks soared. He went from a
failing grade to become an A student. His parents were surprised at
the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his
improvement. "Was it better teaching" they asked and the boy said "No
the teachers are about the same". "Was it a different text book?"
Again the boy said "No it is the same text book" Finally they asked
their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement. The
boy said "the first day I went to school I knew they took their math
seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious
consequences." Their parents asked what made him realize the
school took math so seriously. The boy answered " the first thing I
saw when I went into the classroom was a statute of some guy nailed to
a plus sign."
________________________________________________________________________
A Marketing Ha Ha ...
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing
corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big
multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural
differences. For example...
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands
of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole"
or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke
then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic
equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as
"happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the
Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back
from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin'
good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel
so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company
figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its
Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The
company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male
genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel,
which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar"
meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your
pocket and make you pregnant."
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw
the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation.
A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all
over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make
a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros
Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts."
In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable
effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name
into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex
tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist
Company changed its name.
Joke #1
Two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they go out and hire two
prostitutes and two hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries
desperately all night to get an erection, but all he can hear from the next
room is, "One, two, three, huh!" and this goes on all night. The next
morning, the second dwarf asks, "So, how did it go?" The first dwarf
replies, "Shit I couldn't get an erection. How was your night?" The second
dwarf turns round and replies, "Even worse, I couldn't even
get on the bed."
Joke #2
Three men are standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asks them if
they ever cheated on their wives. the first man says all the time, St.
Peter
gives him a compact car and admits him into heaven. The second man says "I
cheated a couple of times" and St. Peter gives him a mid-sized car and
admits him into heaven. The third man says "I never cheated on my wife in
40
years of marriage" so St. Peter gives him a rolls-royce and admits him into
heaven. A week later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and the
third man was sitting in his car crying, the other men asked why he was
crying, he had such a nice car. The third man said "I just saw my wife and
she was driving a skateboard.
Joke #3
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his
porch with his dog:
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: This dog don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin' all right.
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Dog: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Rancher: Horses don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Horse: Cool.
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)......Them sheep
ain't nothin but liars!!!
Subject: Married life
>>>
>>> At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
>>> wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
>>> replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
>>>
>>> Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really
>>> finished.
>>>
>>> Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
>>> degree and the woman gets her master's.
>>>
>>> A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
>>> get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
>>> still paying for it."
>>>
>>> Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
>>> Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
>>> Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
>>>
>>> Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
>>> happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
>>>
>>> A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband
>>> gives and the wife takes.
>>>
>>> When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a
>>> ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
>>>
>>> Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
>>> the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,
>>> the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they
>>> both speak and the neighbors listen.
>>>
>>> After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
>>> a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes,
>>> dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
>>>
>>> It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
>>> still ends up with the same boss.
>>>
>>> A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
>>> day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
>>> thing: "You can have mine."
>>>
>>> When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
>>> sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
>>>
>>> A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
>>>
>>> A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
>>> millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked
>>> the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
=============================================================================
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them
a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch
it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
===============================================================================>
>>>>A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to
>>>>break into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show me what you
>>>>do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a
>>>>bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to
>>>>impress the agent.
>>>>
>>>>"Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya!
>>>>I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early
>>>>sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
>>>>
>>>>The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."
>>>>
>>>>"'scuse me?," questions the agent.
>>>>
>>>>"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
>>>>
>>>>"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody
>>>>is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
>>>>
>>>>Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to
>>>>change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
>>>>
>>>>A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good
>>>>to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work?
>>>>Have ya changed your name?"
>>>>
>>>>With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent
>>>>in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So
>>>>I've changed it".
>>>>
>>>>"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
>>>>
>>>>"Dick Van Dyke."
>============================================================================
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to
his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man
took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is real cool."
=============================================================================
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon,
etc....
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are
getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer
that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will,
instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes
to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them
out to the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes
to
bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing
that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try
didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to
the woods, bangd each pig twice for good measure, brings them
back
and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.
One
more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive
them
out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed
to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the
pigs
are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck
and one of them's honking the horn."
>>
>> The Bicycle Ride
>>
A missionary was trying to educate an indigenous tribe in the ways
of the modern world.
As part of this education, he attempted to teach them English.
One day the missionary was out walking with the tribe's chief,
trying to show him the meaning of English words.
As they walked through the forest, the missionary would point to
various objects and say, "This is called a tree...this is named a
monkey,
etc..."
Suddenly, they heard some noises eminating from behind a bush.
As they approached, the missionary soon saw that it was a native
man and a woman fooling around.
The chief looked inquisitively at the embarrassed missionary, who
stuttered a bit before finally blurting out, "That is a man riding a
bike."
The chief then pulled out his poison bow and arrow, aimed, and
fired at the man.
The stunned missionary exclaimed, "Chief, what did you do that
for?"
And the chief responded, "My bike!"
===========================================================================
Here is a little test you might like to take.
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
****************** Questions ****************
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number
of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern
exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What
are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which
one
would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
****************** Answers ****************
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (one is a nickel, the other is not)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark, not Moses.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.
>
> A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is
> leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
> Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and
says
> to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your
> life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell
> me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
>
> The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when
I
> was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang
> Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was
> going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this
> chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk,
> and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded
> leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up
> to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
>
> So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with
> the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this
> poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
> Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
>
> St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
>
> "Oh, about two minutes ago."
> ============================================================================
Very true observations.
> > HAIRCUTS
> > Women's version:
> >
> > Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
> >
> > Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the
mirror.
> I
> > mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
> >
> > Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like
> > that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this
> > stuff I think.
> >
> > Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
> > easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.
I
> > was
> > actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my
> long
> > neck.
> >
> > Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
to
> > take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
> >
> > Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
> > shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms
-
> > see
> > how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit
> me
> > so much easier.
> >
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >
> > Men's version:
> >
> > Man1: Haircut?
> > Man2: Yeah.
> >=======================================================================
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if
anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next
door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that
would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off
a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT
LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If
an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb,
THAT would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would
be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"
============================================================
So..elderly man on pension-casually walking on Rodeo Drive in Beverly
>
>
>Hills
>and passes a very elegant store selling men's shoes and sees a pair
>of shoes
>for $400 (today probably $750). He falls in love with the shoes
>immediately...But he has never bought himself anything so
>extravagant-especially not shoes. He walks past the store one time-
>goes
>back-passes again and finally enters and comes out of the store
>having
>bought the shoes and of course wearing them.
>>He returns home and enters the house and sees his wife and says;
>"Old
>woman, Do you see anything new on me?" She replies; "No, it is the
>same old
>man with the same little bit of hair, same nose, same clothes, etc."
>
>
>At
>that point the man goes into the bedroom and strips down completely-
>except
>he keeps the shoes on and returns to his wife and says; "Now old
>woman, do
>you see anything new?" and she replies; "No, it is the same old man
>with the
>same nose, same skinny arms and legs and the same "thing"(or in
>Yiddish-"shmekelah")". He thinks fast and figures out how to fix her
>
>
>and
>says; "Yes, but that same old "thing" is pointing down to a brand new
>
>
>pair
>of $400 shoes!" And she replies; (in Hebrew the word is "Chaval")
>"Too bad
>you didn't buy a
>hat
===========================================================================
> >
> >Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
> >rabbit and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were
> >blind from birth. One day, the rabbit was hopping through the forest,
> >and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the rabbit
> >tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about
> >quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the rabbit. "I'm terribly sorry. I
> >didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I
> >can't see where I'm going and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I
> >don't even know what I am.". "Quite okay," replied the snake.
> >"Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since
> >birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could
> >slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have
> >that going for you.". "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the rabbit.
> >So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,"Well, you're
> >covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches
> >and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a
> >rabbit.".
> >"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the rabbit in obvious excitement.
> >"Maybe I could feel you with my paw and help you the same way you've
> >helped me.". So, the rabbit felt the snake all over and said, "Well,
> >you're scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say
> >you must be a lawyer."
> >>
===========================================================
: From: HUMAN RESOURCES
:
:
:
: To: All Employees
:
:
:
: Subject: Revised Retirement Plan
:
:
:
:
:
: As a result of the reduced funding available in the 1995 budget,
:
: we are forced to significantly down size our staff.
:
:
:
: Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
:
: retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger, lower paid
:
: people who really represent the future of our company anyway.
:
:
:
: Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of
:
: next year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
:
: This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
:
:
:
: Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for
:
: other jobs outside the company. Personnel being RAPED can request
:
: a review of their employment records prior to actual termination.
:
: This phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of
:
: Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
:
:
:
: All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal
:
: to upper management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
:
: Authority Following Termination). Under the guideline to the new
:
: policy, an employee may only be RAPED or SCREWED twice, but he or
:
: she may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
:
:
:
: Provided an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will
:
: be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
:
: Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment),
: unless he or she already has AIDS (Additional Income from
:
: Dependent or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit
:
: plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no
:
: longer be RAPED or SHAFTED by the company.
:
:
:
: The management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain
:
: on board that the company will continue its policy to assure that
:
: employees are well trained through our Special High Intesity
:
: Training (SHIT) programs. The company takes great pride in the
:
: amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees
:
: more SHIT than any other company in the industry. If any employee
:
: feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, please
:
: contact your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor has been
:
: specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can
:
: stand. Good luck and Happy Holidays.
:
:
:
-------------
Norris and Fallon died in a hunting accident. Norris goes to heaven and
Fallon goes to hell. One day Norris looks down at Fallon in hell.
Fallon has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap. Norris gets
pissed off so he goes to God and says, "What is this shit? I think I
want to go to hell! Just look at my friend down there." God says "Look
closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."
----------------
After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you
to start by kissing Eve." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what's a
'kiss'?" So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took
Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam
emerged, and said, "Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now
I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'caress'?"
So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the
bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and
said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make
love to Eve." And Adam said, "Lord, what's 'making love'?" So the Lord
again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But
this time he reappeared in two seconds... ..And Adam said, "Lord,
what's a 'headache'?"
----------------
> ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)
>
> A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she
> noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
> account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
> amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
> laughing. She had him arrested.
>
> When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he
> acted in such a manner. His reply was:
>
> When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was
> pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The
> Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments
> remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
> advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could
> not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an
> advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
> accident."
>
> He won the case.
>
-----------------------
> Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air
> Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks"
> are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance
> crews.
>
> Squawk: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
> Reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
>
> Squawk: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
> Reply: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
>
> Squawk #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
> Reply #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
> Squawk #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
>
> Squawk: "The autopilot doesn't."
> Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
>
> Squawk: "Something loose in cockpit."
> Reply: "Something tightened in cockpit."
>
> Squawk: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
> Reply: "Evidence removed."
>
> Squawk: "Number three engine missing."
> Reply: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
>
> Squawk: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
> Reply: "Volume set to more believable level."
>
> Squawk: Dead bugs on windshield.
> Reply: Live bugs on order.
>
> Squawk: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
> Reply: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> Squawk: IFF inoperative.
> Reply: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> Squawk: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> Reply: That's what they're there for.
>
> -
>
-------------------
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT.....................
1. MATERNITY LEAVE WOULD LAST 2 YEARS...WITH FULL PAY.
2. THERE WOULD BE A CURE FOR STRECH MARKS.
3. NATURAL CHILDBIRTH WOULD BECOME OBSOLETE.
4. MORNING SICKNESS WOULD RANK AS THE NATION'S #1 HEALTH PROBLEM.
5. ALL METHODS OF BIRTH CONTROL WOULD BE IMPROVED TO 100% EFFECTIVENESS.
6. CHILDREN WOULD BE KEPT IN HOSPITAL UNTIL THEY WERE TOILET TRAINED.
7. MEN WOULD BE EAGER TO TALK ABOUT COMMITMENT.
8. THEY WOULD THINK TWINS ARE SOOOO CUTE !
9. FATHERS WOULD DEMAND THAT THEIR SONS ARE HOME FROM DATES BY 10:00 PM.
10. MEN WOULD USE THEIR BRIEFCASES AS DIAPER BAGS.
11. "PATERNITY SUITS" WOULD BE A LINE OF CLOTHES.
12. THEY'D HAVE TO STOP SAYING : " I'M AFFRAID I'LL DROP HIM ".
13. THEY'D STAY IN BED FOR THE ENTIRE 9 MONTHS.
14. MENUS AT MOST RESTAURANTS WOULD LIST ICE CREAM AND PICKLES AS AN ENTREE.
15. NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER SALES WOULD GO UP THROUGH THE ROOF.
16. NO SPECIAL CLOTHES WOULD BE NEEDED. JUST PLAIN MIDDLE-AGED MEN CLOTHES...
17. WOMEN WOULD RULE THE WORLD...
-----------------------
> A woman walks into a sex shop and asks the clerk "d-d-do y-y-you s-s-s-ell
> v-v-vibrators?"
>
> The clerk replies "yes ma'am".
>
> The woman asks "t-t-t-he r-r-r-eally b-b-b-ig o-o-nes?"
>
> The clerk replies.........."yes ma'am".
>
> The woman asks "t-t-t-he o-o-o-nes w-w-w-ith t-t-t-he t-t-two s-s-speed
> s-s-witch?"
>
> The clerk replies "yes ma'am.....right here".
>
> The woman asks" c-c-c-c-can y-y-you t-t-tell m-mm-me h-how t-t-to t-t-t-urn
> t-t-hem o-o-off"?
> ========================================================================
The end of the world has arrived
...how will the media report it?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS
WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE
COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS
SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH
OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.
TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE
APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture,
download software patch RAPT777.EXE.
Sun: ARMAGEDDON-TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW
AVAILABLE !
Visual Basic Programmers Journal: VB5 Release Date Announced.
Microsoft Magazine: IBM To Cease Shipping OS/2.
The Vatican Press: "Told you So"
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form
used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The
following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to
dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250
feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
===========================================================================
>True Story..............
>
>Fly the Friendly Skies
>
>An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver
>for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted
>with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
>
>During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
>United flight was canceled.
>
>A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
>travelers.
>
>Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
>slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
>this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
>
>The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
>you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be
>able to work something out."
>
>The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
>passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
>Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
>address microphone.
>
>"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
>bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the
>gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
>identity, please come to gate 17."
>
>With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
>glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive)
>you."
>
>Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
>you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
>
>The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded
>loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they
>were no longer angry at United.
=========================================================================
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his
head out the window!
Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is
an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today
and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I
grew hair under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"
Jay Leno
I dated this girl for two years --and then the nagging starts: "I
wanna know your name..."
Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence
long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they
would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of
Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Billiam Coronel
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen,"
said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."
=================
God's genesis.log from God's UNIX machine
#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done!
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the
waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of
the sea and over of the fowl of the air and over every living thing that
creepeth upon the earth.
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS: SERVER GOING DOWN IN 5 MINS FOR REGULAR DAY OF
MAINTENANCE AND REST. PLEASE SIGN OFF NOW.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be
created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
#SERVER SHUTTING DOWN. SERVICES WIL
L RESUME ON SUNDAY MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW! #And
God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
=====================================================
A Young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big
burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on!"
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants," she said.
"That's Right!," said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man
who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Ty these on! He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your
attitude changes!"
===============================================================
>There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a
>fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
>
>The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is
>turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
>
>The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so
>instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman
>builds a boat and sails off the island.
>
>The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent
>than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks
>across the bridge.
>
>********************************************************************
>
>Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of
>female hormones.
>To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that
>100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...
>
>
>Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
>Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light
on.
>
>
>How many men does it take to open a beer?
>None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
>
>
>I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>
>
>A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
>
>
>If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you
>go to lunch or to a movie?
>
>
>Those without a sense of humor are at the mercy of the rest of us.
==================================================================>
>>A blonde walks into a coffee shop carrying a thermos and asks the waitress
>>behind the counter if she knows how many coffees her thermos can hold.
>>
>>"About six," replies the waitress.
>>
>>"Good," states the blonde.
>>"I'll take two double-double, two black, and two just cream."
=========================================================================>>
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering
from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing
where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing
home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a
nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly
leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left
side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his
right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time,
his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked,
"How do you like the place?" "It's okay," he said. "But, they won't
let me fart."
===========================================================================
President of the Bank of Canada
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying
a bag
of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of
the
bank to open a savings account, because it is such a lot of money.
They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how
much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then
dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised
and of course curious how she came by all this cash, so he asks
her.
The old lady says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets?
What
kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000
that
your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid
bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says, "So,
would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "i'll
bet
$25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says
"OK,
but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I
bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure"
says
the president. That night the president got very nervous about the
bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking
them
out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and
that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old
lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She
introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that
$25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president
agrees
with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so
they
can see. The president does this. The little old lady looks
losely
at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says
the
president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly
banging
his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong
with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him
$100,000
that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls
in
my hands!"
==============================================================================
GOVERNMENT NOTICE
>
>September 25, 1996
>
>TO: ALL MALE TAXPAYERS
>
>FROM: REVUNUE CANADA
>
>RE: NOTICE OF INCREASE - TAX RETURN T4P
>
>The only thing that Revenue Canada has not yet taxed is your penis. This
is due
>to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the
>time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time
it is
>in the hole. On top of this it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
>
>Accordingly, starting January 1, 1997 your penis will be taxed according to
its
>size.
>
>To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this
>information on Line 267 of your standard T4 form.
>
>10 to 12 inches: Luxury Tax, $50.00
>8 to 10 inches: Pole Tax, $30.00
>6 to 8 inches: Privilege Tax, $15.00
>4 to 6 inches: Nuisance Tax. $5.00
>
>PLEASE NOTE: Anyone with a penis under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
>
>PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION!!!
>
>Males with penises exceeding 12 inches in length must file Capital Gains.
>
>Sincerely,
>
>
>
>Pecker Checker
>Revenue Canada
>
==========================================================================
>>This really freaked me out, because it worked! HINT: Don't think
>too
>>hard about this, just kinda go with the first thing you think of
>(when
>>answering questions that do not involve mathematics of course.)
>>
>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME
>> and just do what it says.
>>
>>
>> 1) pick a number from 1-9
>>
>>
>> 2) subtract 5
>>
>>
>> 3) multiply by 3
>>
>>
>> 4) square the number (multiply by the same number -- not
>> square root)
>>
>>
>> 5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4=
>> 10=1+0=1)
>>
>>
>> 6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
>>
>>
>> 7) multiply by 2
>>
>>
>> 8) subtract 6
>>
>>
>> 9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
>>
>>
>> 10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
>>
>>
>> 11) take the second letter in the country name and think of an
>> animal that begins with that letter
>>
>>
>> 12) think of the color of that animal
>>
>>
>> (keep scrolling)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>**********************************************************************
>>
>> *
>> DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF
>> THE ABOVE
>>
>>
>>**********************************************************************
>>
>> *
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> You have a grey elephant from Denmark.
>>
>>
>> Don't you? (Freaky, isn't it??)
=========================================================================
>
> A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother
> decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation.
> Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school,
> the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!
>
> Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh,
> it's all right, I guess," he replies.
>
> "They must be teaching you some new tricks!"
>
> "Not really."
>
> "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?"
>
> "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus
> sign, I knew they meant business!"
>
=====================================================================
>Subject: How to Simulate Downhill Skiing At Home
>
>10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for
>half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
>
>9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your
>ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, an accessory bag and poles. Pretend
>you
>are looking for your car.
>
>8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and
>tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
>
>7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
>
>6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to
>wait in the longest line.
>
>5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
>fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
>
>4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm
>and you're following an 18 wheeler.
>
>3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
>your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
>
>2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off
>because you have to go to the bathroom.
>
>1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
>=========================================================================
>
>Here's something to offend just about everyone...enjoy!
> > >
> > > THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
> > >
> > > 1. He went into his father's business
> > >
> > > 2. He lived at home until the age of 33
> > >
> > > 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
> > > and his mother was sure he was God
> > >
> > > THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
> > >
> > > 1. He never got married.
> > >
> > > 2. He never held a steady job
> > >
> > > 3. His last request was a drink
> > >
> > > THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
> > >
> > > 1. His first name was Jesus
> > >
> > > 2. He was always in trouble with the law
> > >
> > > 3. His mother did not know who his father was
> > >
> > > THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
> > >
> > > 1. He talked with his hands
> > >
> > > 2. He had wine with every meal
> > >
> > > 3. He worked in the building trades
> > >
> > > THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
> > >
> > > 1. He called everybody brother
> > >
> > > 2. He had no permanent address
> > >
> > > 3. Nobody would hire him
> > >
> > > THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
> > >
> > > 1. He never cut his hair
> > >
> > > 2. He walked around barefoot
> > >
> > > 3. He invented a new religion
> =====================================================================
>Redneck Computer Terms:
>
>
> 1. Hard Drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires
> and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
>
> 2. Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys.
>
> 3. Window - Place in your truck to hang your guns.
>
> 4. Floppy - When you run out of Polygrip.
>
> 5. Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions.
>
> 6. ROM - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
>
> 7. Byte - First word in a kiss-off phrase.
>
> 8. Reboot - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard
> stuff.
>
> 9. Network - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.
>
>10. Mouse - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to
> get a free case.
>
>11. LAN - To borrow, as in, "Hey, Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
>
>12. Cursor - What some guys do when they're mad at their wife and/or
> girlfriend.
>
>13. Bit - A wager, as in, "I bit you cain't spit that chaw acrosst the
> porch longways."
>
>14. Digital Control - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
>
>15. Packet - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-mart bag afore a trip.
>========================================================================
>> Subject: E-mail Rejection
>>
>> If you're like me (and I know you are), you probably date
>> quite a bit, and also like me, you find blowing off a chick
>> the most difficult part of the dating process. After a
>> second or perhaps third date that we know didn't go at all
>> well, the closest we ever come to telling a chick it's over
>> is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you
>> next week." Of course, we have no intention of calling her
>> and we may even feel a slight twinge of guilt.
>>
>> But I have discovered a great way to blow a chick off. It's
>> safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has
>> no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your
>> fingertips right now.
>>
>> E-mail.
>>
>> That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling
>> chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man
>> knowing you have told her how you really feel from the
>> safety of your keyboard.
>>
>> And you can delete her response without ever reading it.
>> What could be more painless?
>>
>> I have drafted the enclosed Email rejection letter and
>> invite you to use it the next time you need to put your main
>>squeeze
>> on waivers.
>>
>> The text of the letter follows. Hope it comes in handy.
>>
>>
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> ---
>>
>> Dear (her name),
>>
>> I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
>> further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last
>> name). As you are probably aware, the competition was
>> exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified
>> canditates such as yourself also failed to make the final
>> cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
>> opening come available or I become extremely horny.
>>
>> So that you may find better success in your future romantic
>> endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s)
>> you were disqualified from the competition:
>>
>> (Check those that apply)
>>
>> ___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was in
===========================================================================
>
> -Not really a Darwin award winner since the person involved in still alive
>and capable of producing offspring...
>
>
>You'll recall a Darwin award from not too long ago where a guy decided to
>strap a cargo plane rocket booster to his car to see how fast it would go,
>and
>ended up hitting a cliff several hundred feet in the air. Here's one more...
>
>
> This story was clipped from the recent Darwin awards, which people get
>for doing something incredibly stupid.True stories. Here's the winner: Larry
>Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams
>into
>reality. His story is true, as hard as you may find it to believe . . .
>
> Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he
>graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a
>pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally
>left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the
>fighter jets
>that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn
>chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.
>
> Then one day, Larry had an idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy
>surplus store and bought forty-five weather balloons, and several tanks of
>helium. These were not your brightly colored party balloons, these were
>heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated.
>Back
>in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the
>kind you might have in your backyard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of
>his
>jeep, and inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches
>and drinks, and a loaded BB gun, figuring he could pop a few balloons when it
>was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry sat in his
>chair
>and cut
==================================================================
>It seems that this perfect man met this perfect woman and they
>got married. One day on December 24 they were driving down the road
>and they noticed a man stranded on the side of the road. This was no
>ordinary man, but it was Santa Claus. Being the perfect people that
>they were they offered Santa a ride because he was in a hurry to get
>his toys delivered. So the perfect man and perfect woman sped up
>to deliver Santa to his destination on time. Alas, the roads were
>slippery and the car got into an accident and 2 of the 3 people were
>killed. Can you guess who survived?
>
>(answer below)
>
>
>
>
>Since Santa Claus and a Perfect Man are both myths...the perfect woman
>had to survive.
>
>
>--
>"God creates dinosaurs,
> God kills dinosaurs,
> God creates man,
> Man creates dinosaurs,
> Man kills God,
> Dinosaurs kill man,
> Women inherit the Earth."
> -- Jurassic Park
>=======================================================================
>>>>>One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and
>>>>>wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that
>>>>>something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the
>>>>>matter, baby?" Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied,
>>>>>"You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love
>>>>>you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so
>>>>>the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto.
>>>>>
>>>>>When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering
>>>>>Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his
>>>>>dilemma to Gepetto, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution.
>>>>>Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out
>>>>>Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously
>>>>>thanked Gepetto and went on his way.
>>>>>
>>>>>Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed
>>>>>that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple
>>>>>weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the
>>>>>hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying
>>>>>all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked,
>>>>>"So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls,"
>>>>>to which Pinocchio replied, "Girls, who needs girls?"
>==================================================================
>The following comments are actual ones received in 1996 on the
>Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards.
>
> - - Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
>
> - - Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service
>needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of
>visitors to wilderness.
>
> - - Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks
>are more likely to chase animals.
>
> - - All the mile markers are missing this year.
>
> - - Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
>
> - - Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails
>that go uphill.
>
> - - Too many bugs, leeches, spiders, and spider webs. Please spray
>the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
>
> - - Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the
>winter.
>
> - - Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to
>wonderful views without having to hike to them.
>
> - - The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
>Please eradicate these annoying animals.
>
> - - A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is
>there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call ___ __ ____.
>
> - - Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can
>hike at night with flashlights.
>
> - - Escalators would help on the steep uphill sections.
>
> - - Need more signs to keep area pristine.
>
> - - A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
>
> - - The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
>
> - - I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have
>extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
>
> - - Too many rocks in the mountains.
>=======================================================================
>>>
>>>Subject: FW: Russian Rumor
>>>
>>>
>>>Times are hard in Russia. Nothing is available, supplies are short, the
>>>lines are long. Boris is walking home from work, feeling down,
>>>depressed, thirsty, spies a bottle sitting upright on the sidewalk in
>>>front of him. He decides upon a nice game of kick the bottle to
>>>entertain himself on the way home. So he gives the bottle a good boot.
>>>
>>>
>>> The bottle suddenly starts spinning around really fast, smoke starts
>>>pouring out of the top. POOF! A genie appears. "Master, you have freed
>>>me from the bottle. For this I will grant you one wish," says the genie.
>>>
>>>
>>> So Boris starts thinking. Times are hard. Nothing is available.
>>> Finally a light goes off in Boris's head. "Genie! I have decided. I
>>> really love to drink vodka. Vodka is hard to get nowadays. My wish is I
>>> want you to make me pee vodka!" "So you have wished, so it will be,
>>> you will pee vodka! Your wish is granted!" and the Genie disappears.
>>>
>>>
>>>Boris is excited. He rushes home, grabs a glass off the shelf and heads
>>>into the bathroom. He commences to pee into the glass. It looks
>>>different. Finally, he is done. He looks at the glass, "It looks like
>>>vodka". He sniffs the glass, "It smells like vodka." He braces himself,
>>>takes a swig. "It tastes like vodka!" He drains the glass.
>>>"That is the best vodka I have ever tasted! That Genie did a really good
>>>job!"
>>>
>>>
>>>So Boris call his wife. "Natasha, Natasha! Come here quick." Natasha
>>>comes into the bathroom. "Look, see, my dear wife, I'm peeing vodka!"
>>> And he refills the cup.
>>>"Go ahead, try some, you will see!" Natasha takes a sip. "Boris, Boris,
>>>this is amazing!" And the two party through the night.
>>>
>>>
>>>The next night after work, Boris walks in, grabs two glasses, fills them
>>>up and they again party all night long. Celebrating their new luck! This
>>>continues the week long.
>>>Friday evening, Boris happily bursts into the apartment, grabs one glass
>>>and begins to fill it up. Natasha notices that he only has one glass.
>>> "Boris, Boris, why do you only have one glass tonight?" Boris raises
>>>his glass in a toast, "Because tonight my darling Natasha, you get to
>>>drink from the bottle!"
>==========================================================================
>>: STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE
>>
>
> - Why do the Stormtroopers wear that clumsy body armor, if it
> doesn't stop laser blasts?
>
>Because they've indoctrinated the entire population to be scared shitless
>of people in white armor.
>
>
> - How does the Death Star travel move from system to system?
>
>A *real* big rubber band.
>
>
> - Why does Death Star have that trench around it?
>
>That's where the rubber band fits.
>
>
> - If Darth Vader was strong with the force, how come he didn't
>notice Han Solo coming to shoot him near the end?
>
>He was busy trying to figure out how come the kid in the X-wing
>seemed so familiar.
>
>
> - Why can Death Star's prison doors be opened without a key of
> any kind?
>
>Everyone aboard the Death Star is on the same side.
>
>
> - Why was Luke carrying around a string with a hook on the end
>in the first place?
>
>It came with his stormtrooper armor; their equipment belts are
>sort of like Swiss Army knives.
>
>
> - Why doesn't Chewie get a medal at the end?
>
>Official explanation, from the old Official Star Wars Fan Club:
> medals are against his religion.
>
>
> - How does Han consider Chewie? Sometimes he treats him like
>a human, and other times like a pet (patting him on the head)
>
>It would seem Lucas couldn't make up his mind. Several early
>drafts of the script include descriptions like "Chewbacca and his master."
>
>I once read a fan-fiction story that included a conversation between
>Han Solo and Harrison Ford. At one point, Ford asked about Han's
>relationship with Chewie; the response was, "Nothing like *that*, we're
>just good friends."
>
>
> - If Obi-Wan a long time ago hid Luke away from Darth Vader, why
> didn't he change Luke's name?
>
>I have not the remotest idea.
>=========================================================================
>>> AUDI
>>> ----
>>> Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
>>> Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
>>>
>>> BMW
>>> ----
>>> Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
>>> Big Money Works
>>> Bought My Wife
>>> Break My Window
>>> Brutal Money Waster
>>>
>>> BUICK
>>> -----
>>> Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
>>>
>>> CHEVROLET
>>> ---------
>>> Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
>>> Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
>>>
>>> DODGE
>>> -----
>>> Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
>>> Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
>>> Darn Old Dog Goes Everywhere
>>>
>>> FIAT
>>> ----
>>> Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
>>> Fix It All the Time
>>> Fix it again, Tony!
>>>
>>> FORD
>>> ----
>>> Flip over read directions
>>> F***** over rebuilt dodge
>>> First on Race Day!!!
>>> backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
>>> First On Recall Day
>>> First On Rust and Deterioration
>>> Fix Or Repair Daily
>>> Found On Road, Dead
>>> Fault Of R&D
>>> Fast Only Rolling Downhill
>>> Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
>>>
>>> GM
>>> ---
>>> General Maintenance
>>>
>>> GMC
>>> ---
>>> Garage Man's Companion
>>> Gotta Mechanic Coming?
>>>
>>> HONDA
>>> -----
>>> Had One Never Did Again
>>>
>>> HYUNDAI
>>> -------
>>> Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
>>>
>>> IROC
>>> -------
>>> Italian Retard Out Cruising
>>>
>>> MAZDA
>>> -----
>>> Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
>>>
>>> OLDSMOBILE
>>> ----------
>>> Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
>>> Everyday
>>>
>>> Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
>>> Equipment
>>>
>>> SAAB
>>> -----
>>> Send Another Automobile Back
>>> Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
>>>
>=========================================================================
>>>>Dr. Seuss's lesser known books
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 1. The Cat in the Blender
>>>>
>>>> 2. Are You My Proctologist?
>>>>
>>>> 3. The Fox In Detox
>>>>
>>>> 4. Who Shat in the Hat?
>>>>
>>>> 5. Horton Feels a Ho
>>>>
>>>> 6. The Flesh Eating Lorax
>>>>
>>>> 7. Your Colon Can Moo, Can You?
>>>>
>>>> 8. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
>>>>
>>>> 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
>>>>
>>>> 10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
>>>>
>>>> 11. Marvin K Mooney, Get the XXXX Outta Here Before I
>>>> Go Midevil On Your Ass!
>>>>
>>>> 12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
>>>>
>>>> 13. The Bitch Set Me Up
>>>>
>>>> 14. Aunts in My Pants
>>>>
>>>> 15. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
>>>>
>>>> 16. Yentl the Lentil
>>>>
>>>> 17. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
>>>>
>>>> 18. Hop on Mom
>>>>
>>>> 19. Oh, the Places You Can Scratch and Sniff
>>>>
>>>> 20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
>>>>
>>>> 21. The Grinch's Ten Inches
>>>>
>>>> 22 The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
>======================================================================
>>>Empire
>> -- by James Lileks
>>
>>I think "The Empire Strikes Back" would have been more interesting if
>>Darth Vader had turned out to be Luke's mother. Someone brash and
>>commanding, such as Madge the Manicurist from the old Palmolive ads. The
>>Dark side of the Force? Why, you're soaking in it. Unless I missed
>>something in the course of watching these movies 60 times, we never heard
>>much about Mrs. Skywalker. Luke never asks Obi-Wan about Mom.
>>
>>Maybe she left Luke's dad because he spent every night down at the Jedi
>>Legion hall and left her with two telekinetic brats. Perhaps she left
>>Luke's dad for Obi-Wan, and that's why Vader turned to the Dark Side. (If
>>so, it makes the scene where the two men fight each other with glowing
>>wands a little too Freudian for my taste.) Given Princess Leia's
>>hairstyle, it is possible Mrs. Skywalker died giving birth.
>>
>>"The Empire Strikes Back" is my favorite of the Star Wars movies, simply
>>because it contains absolutely no Ewoks. Those nattering teddy bears
>>ruined "Return of the Jedi," turning the grand epic scale of the saga
>>into the Muppet Babies vs. the Red Army.
>>
>>"Empire" is solid. Ewok-free. Darth Vader is evil throughout, unlike the
>>third movie, where he takes off his helmet and smiles. I can't quite see
>>Darth as evil anymore, because I know his head looks like your big toe
>>after you've been in the bathtub for an hour. "Empire" has the defining
>>plot twist of my generation, the no-Luke-I'm-yer-pappy line that
>>absolutely stunned me. (I'd kept my fingers in my ears for a week before
>>I saw the movie, just so no one could spoil it.)
>>
>>Compared to this, the revelation in "Return" that Luke and Leia are
>>brother and sister seemed contrived
>=========================================================================
>>The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
>>must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
>>times of war or other emergencies.
>>
>>The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
>>Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under
>>a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
>>
>>Emus cannot walk backwards.
>>
>>The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S.
>>Military Academy at West Point, NY.
>>
>>There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen blimps
>>are in the United States.
>>
>>Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
>>
>>Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
>>stop growing.
>>
>>David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke
>>all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over
>>by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
>>
>>Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of "F."
>>
>>Camel's milk does not curdle.
>>
>>"Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison.
>>
>>The word "modem" is a contraction of the words "modulate, demodulate."
>>(MOdulateDEModulate)
>>
>>Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
>>
>>In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
>>
>>The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
>>"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
>>
>>Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
>>
>>Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and
>>Australia have participated in every Games.
>>
>>Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
>>
=======================================================================
>
>>The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
>>must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
>>times of war or other emergencies.
>>
>>The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
>>Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under
>>a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
>>
>>Emus cannot walk backwards.
>>
>>The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S.
>>Military Academy at West Point, NY.
>>
>>There are only thirteen blimps
========================================================
>>>
>>> King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be
>>> away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.
>>>
>>> King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with
>>> all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for
>>> some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard
>>> looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with
>>> something, and asked him to come back in a week.
>>>
>>> A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the
>>> good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity
>>> belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious
>>> place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at
>>> this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
>>>
>>> "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered
>>> work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected
>>> his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He
>>> then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a
>>> small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
>>>
>>> "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can
>>> leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
>>>
>>> After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon
>>> his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
>>>
>>> Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had
>them
>>> drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure
>>> enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged
>>> in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
>>>
>>> "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight!
>>> Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in
>>> my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
>>>
>>> But Sir Galahad was speechless.
>
=============================================================================
>
>> Subject: IBM Ball Replacement
>> Date: Thursday, December 19, 1996 11:42 AM
>>
>> SUBJECT: IBM Ball Replacement
>>
>> This is a true IBM ordering information note from one of their
>>catalogs. This is an actual alert to the IBM Field Engineers that went out
>>to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very
>>serious. The rest found it rather funny.
> _________________________________________________________________
>>Abstract: Mouse Balls available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
>>Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails
>>to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball
>>replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
>>replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
>>trained personnel.
>>
>>Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
>>the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder
>>than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon
>>manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using
>>the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off
>>method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
>>However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
>>
>>Upon completion of ball replacement ,the mouse may be used immediately.
>>It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
>>for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction; and that any customer
>>missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
>>necessary items.
>>
>>To reorder, specify on the following:
>>P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
>>P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Balls
>
>
> :)Marci
>"I need a goober to English dictionary..."
>
=====================================================================
>
> The Top 15 Potential Problems With Cloning Humans
>
>15> Harder than ever to land a role in those new Wrigley's
> commercials featuring the Doublemint Octuplets.
>
>14> Two words: Gilbert Gottfried(s)
>
>13> Any scientific advancement that stems from the result of
> Scottish people doing strange things to sheep is bound to
> have dire consequences.
>
>12> In mere weeks, Bill Gates (v1.0, v1.2, v2.0, v3.0, v3.1 & v5.0)
> has all the money on the entire planet.
>
>11> [Omitted]
>
>10> If you think there are too many idiots shouting "Show me the
> money!" on every occasion now, just wait.
>
> 9> Rush Limbaugh takes his self-affection to a whole new level,
> and suddenly is IN FAVOR of same-sex marriages.
>
> 8> "Penn & Penn & Teller & Teller & Teller & Penn & Penn & Teller
> & Penn" much harder to fit on comedy club marquee.
>
> 7> And you think it's hard to find your size now!
>
> 6> 18-month waiting list for George Clooney and Cindy Crawford
> clones.
>
> 5> "Alternative" radio filled with even more Nirvana clones.
>
> 4> And the final score: the New York Gretzkys - 408, the
> Pittsburgh Lemieuxs - 399.
>
> 3> Can no longer count on the Grim Reaper to get Jesse Helms out
> of office.
>
> 2> Those apocalyptic words: "Ladies & Gentlemen: The John Tesh
> Philharmonic Orchestra!"
>
>
>
> and the Number 1 Potential Problem With Cloning Humans...
>
>
>
> 1> Seventeen Mark Fuhrmans, and suddenly OJ's defense doesn't
> seem quite as far-fetched.
>
=====================================================================
>THE PLAN
>
>In the Beginning was the plan.
>And then came the assumptions.
>And the assumptions were without form.
>And the plan was completely without substance.
>And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke
>among themselves saying: "It is a crock of sh_t, and it stinketh."
>
>And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth:
>"It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof"
>
>And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto
>them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
>Such that none can abide it."
>
>And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a
>vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength." And the
>directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It
>contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."
>
>And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth
>to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
>
>And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth
>unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and
>efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."
>
>And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
>And the plan became policy.
>And this is how sh_t happens.
>
==========================================================================
>
>
>> ----------------------------------------
>> A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact,
>> I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.
>> ----------------------------------------------------
>> WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
>> HUSBAND: Which is this?
>> ----------------------------------------------------
>> NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
>> SPOUSE: Sure, what are my choices?
>> NEWLYWED: Yes and no.
>> ---------------------------------------------------
>> DIET DEFINITION:
>> The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is
>> 'desserts' spelled backwards.
>> ----------------------------------------------------
>> TRUE LOVE:
>> A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of
>> his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying
>> Sarah Jane!"
>> Why, he asked.
>> "She's dated every man in Phoenix."
>> The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively,
>> "Phoenix isn't such a big town."
>> ------------------------------------------
>> MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong
>> when he's out of town.
>> ----------------------------------------
>> A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made
>> a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish,
>> too. But she leaned over, too much, and fell into the well, and
>> drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and
>> said, "It really works!"
>> ------------------------------------
>> This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy
>> say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey,
>> Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea.
>> So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says
>> to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
>> -----------------------------------------
>> First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
>> Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>> ----------------------------------------
>> A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
>> because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
>> ----------------------------------------
=========================================================================
>
>> >>>How to Keep the Office Interesting
>> >>>
>> >>> Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
>> >>>waiting for your document.
>> >>>
>> >>> Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time
>>for
>> >>>lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
>> >>>meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
>> >>>
>> >>> Insist that your e-mail address be
>> >>>"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
>> >>>
>> >>> Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
>> >>>
>> >>> Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
>>fries
>> >>>with that.
>> >>>
>> >>> Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about
>> >>>the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
>> >>>co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
>> >>>
>> >>>Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
>> >>>
>> >>>Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're
>>all
>> >>>present.
>> >>>
>> >>>Come to work in your pajamas.
>> >>>
>> >>> Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
>> >>>
>> >>> Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
>> >>>wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
>> >>>your boss is a different gender than you are.)
>> >>>
>> >>> Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by
>>these
>> >>>names. "That's a good point, Tiger." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
>> >>>disagree with you there, Captain."
>> >>>
>> >>> Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
>> >>>
========================================================================
>
>> >>>How to Keep the Office Interesting
>> >>>
>> >>> Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
>> >>>waiting for your document.
>> >>>
>> >>> Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time
>>for
>> >>>lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
>> >>>meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
>> >>>
>> >>> Insist that your e-mail address be
>> >>>"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
>> >>>
>> >>> Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
>> >>>
>> >>> Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
>>fries
>> >>>with that.
=========================================================================
>[A good lawyer joke...]
>>>
>>>A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and
>>>behold, a genie appeared.
>>>
>>>"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one
>>>condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make,
>>>every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."
>>>The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like
>>>ten
>>>million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank
>>>account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
>>>"Every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
>>>"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
>>>Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "Every lawyer in the world has just
>>>recieved two Ferraris," the genie said.
>>>"And what is your last wish?"
>>>"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for
>>>transplant."
>
=======================================================================
>>
>>Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he
>>
>>just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over
>>
>>into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to
>>
>>inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front
>>
>>door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to
>>
>>tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into
>>
>>the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and
>>
>>after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't
>>
>>think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's
>>
>>room."
>
============================================================================
>
>A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attends his first baseball
>game. After a base hit, he hears the fans roaring "Run... run!"
>
>The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman
>stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un yah
>bahstard. R-r-run!"
>
>A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased
>with his knowledge of the game, screams "r-r-r-un ya bahstard,
>r-r-run will ya."
>
>The next batter's count goes up to three and two. As the pitch
>crosses past outside the plate, he holds his swing. The umpire calls a walk
>the Scotsman stands up yelling "r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!". All
>the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down, confused. A
>friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers "He doesn't have to
>run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman
>stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"
>
======================================================================
>Subject: Technology and Golf
>
>
> Businessmen on Golf Course:
>
> Four international businessmen are on the golf course, and there is a
> ringing sound. The first guy goes to his golf bag, pulls out his
> cellular phone and talks for a minute with his office. "Very
> important to be in touch these days," he says. "Yes," his golfing
> partners agree.
>
> A little bit later another, a different ring is heard, and the second
> golfer holds his hand up to his head (as if to imitate talking on the
> phone) and starts talking in what is clearly a real conversation.
> After the call he explains to his friends, "It's the very latest in
> cellular technology--a speaker is attached to my thumb, and a
> microphone to my pinky. You can't even tell I have it on."
>
> A couple of holes later, a different, muted, ringing sound is heard,
> and the third businessman in the foursome stands erect and begins
> talking, again an obviously real conversation. When finished he
> explains, "This really is the latest in cellular technology. A speaker
> is implanted in my ear, and a microphone in the backside of a front
> tooth. I just stand at attention to talk."
>
> Suitably impressed, the foursome continues their game. Suddenly, the
> fourth golfer excuses himself and ducks behind a bush. After he
> doesn't reappear for several minutes, one of the golfers goes to make
> sure he is okay. He finds him behind the bushes squatting down with
> his pants around his ankles.
>
> "Is everything okay?" he asks.
>
===========================================================================
>
>QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE
>
>Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark
>side, and it holds the universe together...."
>
>Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody
>discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
>instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
>inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already
>happened."
>
>Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
>stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
>
>Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting
>thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
>
>Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer
>the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which
>happen from time to time."
>
>John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe,
>with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
>
>Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man
>doesn't have to experience it."
>
>Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
>
>Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe
>when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
>
>Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made
>a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
>
>William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass
>of the universe seems to be missing."
>
===========================================================================
>
>Just had to send the following to people who enjoy the endless search for
>useful knowledge.
>
>THE 3 SECOND BARRIER
> Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite
>charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble, a computer person in the
>Purdue University engineering department.
> Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West
>Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being
>engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the
>charcoal-lighting process.
> "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in
>a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we
>used a vacuum cleaner."
> If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you
>know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from
>cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.
> From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then
>an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which
>caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry
>class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing
>agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the
>valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those
>lines).
> By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of
>competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.
> Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using --- get ready --- liquid oxygen.
>This is oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on
>charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing
>50 million Labrador retrievers.
> On Gobel's World Wide Web page (the address is //ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/),
>you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached
>to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold
>in
>stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for
>ignition.
> What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen,
>featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees
>Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in --- this has to be a
>world record --- 3 seconds.
> There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique
>on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of
>charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized,"
>said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."
> Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all
>choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the
>engineers'
>picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can
>be ready to barbecue in less time than it take for guys in less-advanced
>nations, such as France, to spit.
> Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a
>new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something or all of us
>to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now
>and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a
>mushroom cloud.
>
============================================================================
A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be
> examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks,
> "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies,
> "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he
> never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."
>
> So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she
> takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor
> asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl
> replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his
> school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making
> love."
>
> So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she
> takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest.
> The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?"
> and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to
Wisconsin.
> Why do you ask???"
===========================================================================
>
>Escaped Gorilla.
>
>As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the
>roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing that it was a fair
>sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly called up the
>local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He
>is reassured that a Gorilla Recovery unit is on the way to his aid and for
>him
>to remain calm.
>
>A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla Recovery
>unit logo on its panels, with an elderly driver, pulls up to the house. The
>elderly driver then proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a
>Chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge
>shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly man was to solve the problem of
>this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asks the
>elderly man how he will go about capturing the gorilla.
>
>As the elderly zoo employee hands him the 12 gauge shotgun, he explains the
>plan:
>
> - First I'll climb up there with the ladder;
> - Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the
> baseball bat;
> - As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained Chihuahua
> dog will attack its private parts;
> - When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands
> to it's groin area to protect itself from the dog, thus making it easy
>for
> me to slip on the handcuffs;
> - Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the
> zoo...
>
>Amazed at the procedure, the house owner asks why he was handed the 12 gauge
>shotgun.
>
>"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a
>precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event
>that once on
>the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat..."
>"Quickly shoot the dog !"
>
==========================================================================
>
>>SMART DOGS
>>
>> Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The
>> first man was an "Engineer", the second man an "Accountant", the third a
>> "Chemist" and the fourth was a "Government Worker".
>>
>> To show off the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your
>> stuff". T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a
>> pen and drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed this
>> was pretty good.
>>
>> But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his
>> dog and said "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into
>> the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into
>> 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed this was really
>> good.
>>
>> The chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
>> said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up walked over to the
>> fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
>> cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
>> Everyone agree this was good.
>>
>> Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said,
>> "what can your dog do?"
>>
>> The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break,
>> do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies,
>> drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other
>> three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a
>> grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in a Worker's
>> Compensation Claim, and went home on Sick Leave.
>
=============================================================================
>Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were plucked out
>of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.
>Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
>authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they
>claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler
>amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
>
>They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
>reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
>cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
>Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily
>taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew
>was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save
>the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo
>hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
>
>Editorial Comment:
>Some days are just not as good as others. However, this could be the
>threshold of a whole new generation of anti ship weapons. They are
>relatively cheap, sustainable, have reasonable shelf life, and little if
>any test equipment required. On the down side, ballistics would clearly
>be a challenge, and without GPS updates the CEP (Accuracy of impact point
>"circular error probability") could be excessive. The
>Navy would clearly argue that even with "precision cows", airpower could
>never sink a battleship. More to come on this important new
>breakthrough.
>
============================================================================
>
>Haircuts - The difference between men and women
>
>Haircuttee - Woman1
>Haircut Noticer - Woman2
>
>2: Oh! That's so cute!
>
>1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I
>mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
>
>2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that,
>but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I
>think.
>
> 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily
>get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was
>actually
>going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
>
> 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take
>attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
>
> 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
>Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short
>they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much
>easier.
>
>
>
>
>
>Haircuttee - Man1
>Haircut Noticer - Man2
>
>2: Haircut?
>1: Yeah.
>
============================================================================
>
>
> Life Cycle Cost of Selected Careers
>
> A study, supported by the Department of Labor, explored the
>cost/benefit ratio of 48 of our society's most common professions. The
>study considered all the elements of a career, not simply salary. It
>examined the amount and cost of education necessary, time spent in
>class, annual overhead, probability of success, tax shelter
>possibilities, stress and health effects, and impact on family life and
>quality of living.
>
> When all life quality elements had been factored in, one career
>emerged as having a clear edge in each category. It was bank robbery.
>
> This finding was confirmed by another study that reported that the
>average bank robber is apprehended during his or her 18th heist. Given
>that the risk of apprehension increases geometrically, the likelihood of
>being arrested during the first three jobs is really quite small, only
>.03. When this is compared to the failure rate of new franchises
>(.13), new small businesses (.21) and new restaurants (.64), the
>cost/benefit ratio appears appalling indeed.
>
> The program is also self insured: if it fails, living expenses are
>automatically picked up by the government.
>
>Reprinted from a reprint in the current Journal of Irreproducible Results.
>
============================================================================
>
>> The (Future) Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner:
>>
>> Nov 28:
>> Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last.
>> Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood.
>> Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which
>> is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power
>> lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs
>> off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used.
>> Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
>>
>> Nov 30: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
>> thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
>> tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy
>> when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically
>> attached.
>>
>> Dec 1: Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth
>> problems. The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on
>> the phone. They insist it's a problem with the cable company's
>> compression algorithms. How do they expect me to order things from
>> the Home Shopping Channel?
>>
>> Dec 8: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly
>> surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the
>> washing machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading
>> one hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet
>> charges were through the roof on the invoice.
>>
>> Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
>> refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
>> electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.
>> Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.
>>
>> Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer
>> me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the
>> software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics
>> via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the
>> utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More
>> phone calls; more remote diag's.
>>
>> Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network
>> had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open.
>> So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut
>> down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that
>> there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence
>> was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy
>> swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the
>> kitchen took over an hour.
>>
>> Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for
>> help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
>> decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified
>> when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of
>> wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer
>> concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.
>>
>> Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
>> universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That
>> means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels
>> by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be
>> fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
>>
>> Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning
>> into the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely
>> inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At
>> least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.
>>
>> Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of
>> storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much
>> easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second
>> mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my
>> house now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
>>
>> Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep
>> getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the
>> dishwasher.
>>
>> Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My
>> personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access
>> network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom
>> windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the
>> washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycle up
>> and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Through-
>> out the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode
>> from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security
>> sensors detect nothing.
>>
>> I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen:
>> WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so
>> humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).
>>
>> Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the
>> place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure
>> we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless,
>> the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call
>> themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty
>> bad" one he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get
>> PolterGeist. That one is really evil."
>>
>> Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and
>> mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My
>> agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims
>> and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my
>> house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line
>> service. Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to
>> anticipate every virus that might be created.
>>
>> We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!
>>
>> Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special
>> holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for
>> the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to
>> meet the programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him.
>
=============================================================================
>
>BRITISH HUMOR
> During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in
>Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught
>a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train
>to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He
>was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any
>place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each
>other;
>there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper
>looking,
>older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
>
>"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
>
> The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude", she said,
>"can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through the train once
>more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same
>place.
>
> "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold
>your dog if I can sit down", he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are
>not only rude you are arrogant". He leaned against the wall for a time, but
>was
>so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for
>three
>months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there
>and hold your dog?"
>
>The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are
>also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up
>the
>dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
>
> An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other
>seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the
>lady's
>description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of
>things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
>fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out
>of the window."
===========================================================================
>
>Subject: just batty...
>
>>A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
>>and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty
>>soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him
>>about where he got it.
>>
>>He told them to get lost and let him get some sleep but they
>>persisted until finally he gave in.
>>
>>"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
>>bats behind him.
>>
>>Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
>>full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
>excitedly milled around him.
>>
>>"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!"
>>the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
>>
>>"Good," said the first bat, "Because I f**king well didn't"
>
==========================================================================
>>
>>This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a
>>snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have
>>any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job
>>half-done, his hands blue from the cold.
>>
>>"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," offers his
>>gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job. It's so cold,
>>however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again
>>between her legs.
>>
>>Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is
>>about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks, "Aren't your
>>ears cold?"
>
===========================================================================
>Once upon a time an Engineer died and went to the Pearly Gates. When he
>asked to get into heaven, however, St. Peter turned him down, telling him he
>wasn't on his list. As a result, the Engineer was sent to Hell.
>
>The Engineer found Hell to be a terrible place; but, being an Engineer, he
>set about improving the surroundings. He installed air conditioning, indoor
>plumbing, and other creature comforts and soon had the accomodations in Hell
>in good shape.
>
>One day God called Satan and asked how things were going. Satan said,
>"Things are pretty good down here. We've got an Engineer down here who has
>fixed up things here very nicely".
>
>"An Engineer?" God said. "There's been a mistake. He's not supposed to be
>down there. Send him back right away."
>
>"Nope." Said Satan. "I like this guy. I'm going to keep him here."
>
>At that, God got mad. "If you don't send him back, I'll sue you!"
>
>Satan laughed, and said, "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"
>
====================================================================
>
>
>
>>Our tax dollars at work.........
>>
>>From actual military "squawk sheets".
>>Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the
>>flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the
>>aircraft.
>>
>
>>Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
>>Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
>>
>>Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
>>Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
>
>>Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
>>Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
>>Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
>>
>>Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
>>Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
>>
>>Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
>>Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
>>
>>Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
>>Solution: "Evidence removed."
>>
>>Problem: "Number three engine missing."
>>Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
>>
>>Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
>>Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
>>
>>Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
>>Solution: Live bugs on order.
>>
>>Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
>>Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>>
>>Problem: IFF inoperative.
>>Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
>>
>>Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>>Solution: That's what they're there for.
>>
=========================================================================
>> Lost Productive Time
>>*** 8101!!! ***
>>It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
>>turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous
>>Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time
>>isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly
>>what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a
>>sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our
>>observations of employee activities.
>>
>>The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision
>>what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using
>>this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties
>>you encounter.
>>
>>Thank you,
>>Human Resources
>>
>>Attached: Extended Job Code List
>>
>> Code
>> Number Explanation
>> ---------- -----------
>> 5316 Useless Meeting
>> 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
>> 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
>> 5319 Waiting for Break
>> 5320 Waiting for Lunch
>> 5321 Waiting for End of Day
>> 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
>> 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While
>> Coworker is Not Present
>> 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
>> 5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a
>> Friend
>> 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not
>> Interested in Learning
>> 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
>> 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
>> 5481 Buying Snack
>> 5482 Eating Snack
>> 5500 Filling Out Timesheet
>> 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
>> 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
>> 5503 Scratching Yourself
>> 5504 Sleeping
>> 5510 Feeling Bored
>> 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
>> 5601 Complaining About Low Pay
>> 5602 Complaining About Long Hours
>> 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
>> 5604 Complaining About Boss
>> 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
>> 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
>> 5701 Not Actually Present At Job
>> 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
>> 6102 Ordering Out
>> 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
>> 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
>> 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
>> 6201 Stealing Company Goods
>> 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Files
>> 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
>> 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal
>> Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
>> 6205 Hiding from Boss
>> 6206 Gossip
>> 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
>> 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
>> 6211 Updating Resume
>> 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
>> 6213 Out of Office on Interview
>> 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
>> 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
>> 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
>> 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality
>> They are Jerks
>> 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
>> 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
>> 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
>> 6602 Complaining
>> 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
>> 6611 Staring Into Space
>> 6612 Staring At Computer Screen
>> 6615 Transcendental Meditation
>> 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
>> 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
>> 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
>> 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
>> 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
>> 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
>> 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
>> 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
>> 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
>> 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
>> 8000 Recreational Drug Use
>> 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
>> 8002 Liquid Lunch
>> 8100 Reading e-mail
>> 8101 Distributing humorous e-mails
>>
========================================================================
>>> > >
>>> > >I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron-poor
>>> > blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies.
>>>>>But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
>>> > >
>>> > >The population of the USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
>>> > That leaves 133 million to do the work.
>>> > >
>>> > >There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the
>>> > work.
>>> > >
>>> > >Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
>>> > >This leaves 19 million to do the work.
>>> > >
>>> > >Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do
>>> > >the work.
>>> > >
>>> > >Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
>>> >>City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
>>> > >
>>> > >There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the
>>>>>>work.
>>> > >
>>> > >Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two
>>> >>people
>>> >>to do the work.
>>> > >
>>> > >You and me.
>>> > >
>>> > >And you're sitting there reading this.
>>> > >
>>> > >No wonder I'm tired; I'm the only one working.
>
=========================================================================
>
> True Story
>
> A rabbi, a hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. they run out of gas, and
> are forced to stop at a farmers house.
> The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will
> have to sleep in the barn.
> The hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out
> to the barn.
> In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the hindu
> and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to
> sleep with a cow."
> So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn."
> A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and
> its' the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where
> there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
> So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn.
> A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and
> the cow.
>
>
> ***************** JOKE # 1 *****************
>
>
>In a delivery room at a local hospital there was a complete
>staff of people, as well as the expecting father, as this young
>woman began to give birth. The baby was delivered without any
>complications, was held upside down, spanked and began to cry. As the
>doctor held the crying baby, the baby slowly began to stop. He seemed to
>look around the room quizzically and then looked up at the doctor and
>said "Are you my father?"
>
> The doctor stood with his mouth agape and couldn't say
>a thing. The baby said again, "I'm talking to you, are you my father?"
> The doctor squeaked out a "No". The doctor then handed the
>baby to his father.
>
> Looking up at this new face, the baby says "Are you my father?"
>The new father, flabbergasted by the words coming from his
>baby, stuttered, "Yes."
>
> The baby then takes his hand and begins poking the
>father's forehead with his finger repeatedly, getting harder and
>harder.
>
>Finally, he stops and says "HURTS, DOESN'T IT?"
>
>
> ***************** JOKE # 2 *****************
>
>
>A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute
>man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she
>asked, "Can you paint?"
>
>"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
>
>"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind
>the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be
>very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay
>you what it's worth."
>
>It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All
>finished!" he reported with a smile.
>
>"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
>
>"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to
>you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."
>
>
> ***************** JOKE # 3 *****************
>
>
>A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
>The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't
>carry it." The duck says, "Okay" and leaves.
>
>The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got
>any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
>
>Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
>The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed,
>we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you
>ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
>The duck leaves.
>
>The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
>"No."
>"Got any duck feed?"
>=====================================================================
[More good ones from Mark]
>
>Software development cycles
>
>Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program
>shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and
>12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate
>path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet.
>
>Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside
>details of the program development cycle. The number of bugs have been
>reduced to protect the guilty.
>
>1. Programmer produces code she believes is bug-free.
>
>2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
>
>3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department
>that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
>
>4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and
>discovers
>15 new bugs.
>
>5. See 3.
>
>6. See 4.
>
>7. See 3.
>
>8. See 4.
>
>9. See 3.
>
>10. See 4.
>
>11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product
>announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product
>is released.
>
>12. Users find 137 new bugs.
>
>13. Original programmer, having cashed her royalty check, is nowhere to be
>found.
>
>14. Newly assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 user
>reported bugs, and introduce 456 new bugs.
>
>15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from
>Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
>
>16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor [Microsoft] using
>profits from
>their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
>
>17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. She hires programmer to
>redo program from scratch.
>
>18. Programmer produces code she believes is bug-free....
>
===========================================================================
Sexual Tension Quiz:
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to
determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every
correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect
answer deduct 2 points.
If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you
score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If
you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex
experience. Now please begin.
"CLUES" - (NOTE: The answers are given at the bottom.)
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me..
I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn't maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
14. I make some guys shoot in the air.
I usually have a little pecker.
I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
(answers below)
1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney
14. bird
============================================================================
--
Virus alert;
If you see a message with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble
any disks that are even close to your computer (20' range at 72
Fahrenheit). It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting
so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the
strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw
up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch
any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-wife/husband your new phone number. It will program
your
phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. It will mix
antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave
its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere
with your car radio so that you hear 1940s hits and static while stuck
in traffic.
"Badtimes" will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your
shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your
current girlfriend/boyfriend behind your back and billing their hotel
rendezvous
to your Visa card.
It will rewrite your back-up files, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which
grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.
"Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and pillows and refill your skim milk with whole. It is
insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It
is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid. PLEASE FORWARD
THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African
diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had
received from the Russians before the new government kicked them
out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an
airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."
The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette.
If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to
play. I'II show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude
women were ushered in.
"You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he
told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't
seem much like Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
////////////////////////////////////
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site
and
the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and
called
the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious
mistake and how angry he was, the florist says
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry
you
should understand, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today,
and
they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new
location'"
////////////////////////////////////
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter
at the pearly gates. St Peter
says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you
six months to go back to Earth
and be anyone you want".
The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't
ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St
Peter. He reads the paper and
starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says
'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500
men'!"
////////////////////////////////////
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in
Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table
in the Pope's private chambers.
What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy
Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is
connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with
Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This
is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course, refuses but the Rabbi is steadfast
and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the
phone and says, "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few
months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the
Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns
it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an
urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can
use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope
chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone
charges.
The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says, "One Shekel!"
The Pope looks surprised..."Why so cheap!"
The Rabbi smiles..."Local call."
////////////////////////////////////
"Send lawyers, guns, and money - the shit has hit the fan"
- W. Zevon
////////////////////////////////////
A group of clergy-men were at an interfaith meeting in an upscale
banquet room one day.
A waitress came around and asked one table if anyone would like a
cocktail.
The Episcopalian ordered a gin and tonic, The Methodist ordered
white-wine, and the televangelist ordered a Harvey Wallbanger.
The waitress turned to the Baptist minister, who was scowling at his
table-mates, and asked if he’d like a cocktail as well.
“I would rather commit adultry than drink an alcoholic beverage," the
Baptist minister roared!
The Televangelist perked up upon hearing this and said, “Oh! I didn’t
realize that was an option. I’d like to change my order!”
////////////////////////////////////
The prison psychologist was talking with his patient, a latent sex
offender, about the first in a series of tests that they were about to
go through.
“This is a Zorsach, or Ink Blot, Test. When I show you a picture, you
tell me what the ink-blot reminds you of!”
First Picture, the inmate says: “A naked lady.”
Second Picture: “A naked lady.showing her goodies”
Third Picture: “A naked lady performing oral sex”
Fourth Picture “A naked lady engaged in anal sex”
Fifth Picture: “A naked lady performing around the world on three
sailors .”
The psychologist puts down his inkblots and looks at the inmate.
“You obviously have a lot of sexual aggression built up in your
psyche.”
“Whaddaya mean? You’re the one showing all the dirty pictures!”
////////////////////////////////////
The hero of this story is sitting at his favorite bar one night, when
in walks a drop dead gourgeous young woman!
The bar was crowded that night, and there was only one one place to
sit: the stool right next to our hero!, Our hero, always the nice guy
and friendly decided to strike up a conversation with his beautiful
new neighbor. He no more than says,"Hello, Miss..." When she turns to
him and screams at the top of her lungs, “WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DO YOU
THINK I AM, YOU PERVERT!"
This caught him very off guard, as all of his friends in the bar were
glaring at him for trying to molest this newcomer. H e slouched down
as far as he could on his stool, and looked at what he knew would be
his last drink here in a long time. He very embarrased by the
situation.
After a few minutes the lady said to him, "I’m sorry if I scared or
embarrassed you. I'm a phycology major and I’m doing a study on what
happens to an innocent person when they are falsely accused of
something in public. This is the fifth time tonight I’ve done this
experiment, and the only common thread I’ve come across was every guy
felt guilty and embarassed. Don’t take it personal. Friends?”
Our hero looks at her with her hand extended, sits up straight, and
yells out,” EIGHTY BUCKS FOR A GODDAM BLOWJOB!!! ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR
FUCKIN' MIND!”
////////////////////////////////////
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating up, but then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it,I
just want you to hold me. "
The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs
as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits and
then tells his wife, “We'll take all three of them.”
Next they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.
Finally. they goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond
earrings.
The wife is so excited(she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she
does not care).
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like
it then lets get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe
what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash
register."
The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to BUY all this
stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the
Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a
Man!!!”
////////////////////////////////////
An egg and a chicken were lying in bed. The egg is smoking a cigarette and,
with a very large smile, says:
-Well, I think this settles the question.
////////////////////////////////////
Subject: Welcome to Hell
Welcome To Hell...
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair,
he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a
drinking man?
Guy: Sure I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Modays, the. On Mondays that's all we
do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guiness, wine coolers, diet
tab...
We
drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a somker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars
from
around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's
okay...You're already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednseday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horse
races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before...
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs. You don't mean...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big
bowl
of
crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs
you
want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!
Guy: I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!
Devil: So...are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!
///////////
Two old ladys sitting at a bus station and one of the ladys pull out a cigarette,
and it starts to rain, so she pulls out a condom and wraps the cigarette with the
condom, the other lady says what are you doing, the other lady says I'm keeping
my cigarette from getting wet, and not only is it keeping it dry it is sanitizing
it, you should try it. So the other lady goes to the store and asks for a box of
condoms and the man asked her what size would you like and the lady says
oh......to fit a camel.
There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner
talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark
space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are
having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front
seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get
some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat
gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on
the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter.
Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at
the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I
put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put
his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the
waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie."
She slaps his face and asks, "Now would you please give me your order?"
Again, he says, "I want a quickie."
She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do
you want?"
Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I
think it's pronounced QUICHE."
A young girl came home from school and was heard by her mother
reciting her homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four
plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a
bitch--"
"Judy!" shouted her mother. "Watch your language! You're not
allowed to use swearwords like son of a bitch"
"But, Mom," replied Judy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and
she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Judy's mother went to school with her daughter and right
into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens!" said the teacher.
"That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus
two, the sum of which is four.' "
The doctor asks the eighty year old man
how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got
an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
you
think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me
tell
you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a
season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So
he was
in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He
raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the
handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have
shot
that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor."
///////////////////////
Q: What is the difference between an american dollar and an indonesian rupiah?
A: One american dollar.
/////////////////////////////////
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and
ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat
down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are
you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking
horses, mending
fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I
spend my whole day
thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of
women, when I eat,
shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the
young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Good/Bad/Worse
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas
////////////////////
DEDUCTIVE REASONING?
Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be
moving."
Neighbor 1: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly."
Man: "So what is it you do for a living?"
Neighbor 1: "I am a professor at the University. I teach deductive
reasoning."
Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house
out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Man: "That is right."
Neighbor 1: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that
you have a family."
Man: "Right again."
Neighbor 1: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Man: "Correct."
Neighbor 1: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are
heterosexual."
Man: "Yup."
Neighbor 1: "That is deductive reasoning."
Man: "Cool."
***LATER THAT SAME DAY***
Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Man: "Fag."
HOW OLD AM I (PG13)
------------------------------------
A man decided to have a face lift for his
birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really great about the
result. On his way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me
asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling
really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch,
and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply
is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel
really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old
woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old
and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure
way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants
for ten minutes
I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought
what the hell and let
her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes
later the old lady
says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant!
How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in line behind
you at McDonalds."
**************
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That`s the ugliest
baby I`ve ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and
took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me"
she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he`s a public servant and
shouldn`t say things to insult passengers." "You`re right" she said. "I think
I`ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That`s a good idea" the
man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
***********************
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden,
but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes,
she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the
morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and
they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to
expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her
neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with
your tomatoes?"
"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my
cucumbers!
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