HUMOR 2 FROM MARC
Nuns at the Gate
================
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are
expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of
their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with
a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the
tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away
and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns
is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve
her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I
want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
Dating Rules For College
========================
1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual
tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means
somebody's horny.
2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and
"you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE
cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true
love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses
you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing
as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of
lot more that a kiss goodnight.
5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their
feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed
you
they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In
college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In
college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by.
Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college,
cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish
last.
9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it
happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each
others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEST ONE OF THE
PARTNERS!
10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe,
woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha,
Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jeff, Gretchen, Andi...
Here are some One Liners which you can use when the opportunity arises:
=======================================================================
1- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
2- A man's house is his hassle.
3- Age isn't important unless you're cheese.
3- Cole's law- thinly sliced cabbage.
5- Courage is fear that said its prayers.
6- Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
7- Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal!
8- Does your back go out more than you do?
9- Eat yogurt and get culture.
10-Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
11-Happiness is wanting what you have.
12-If your feet smell and your nose runs, you were built upside down.
13-Lawyers work in their briefs
14-If you see an onion ring---answer it.
15-Talk is cheap unless you hire a lawyer.
16-The cost of feathers is higher, that makes down up.
17-When you get what you want you don't want it as much.
18-An optimist laughs to forget..A pessimist forgets to laugh.
Four Golfers
============
Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained
in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children
while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his
own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in
the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as
a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock
brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a
large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that
they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son
is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
I've just recently discovered that he's a homosexual. But, on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big
pile of stock certificates.
College Seniors vs. Freshmen
============================
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to
attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a
recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a
box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the
street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis
midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the
summer
Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional
questions
Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...
Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto
campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits
him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the
chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution
to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
====================================================
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft..
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter.
Banana Cake recipe
==================
Ingredients:
2 x laughing eyes
2 x well shaped legs
2 x loving arms
2 x firm milk containers
2 x nuts
Fur-lined mixing bowl
Firm banana
Procedure:
1.) Look into laughing eyes
2.) Spread well-shaped legs slowly
3.) Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until
fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger
4.) Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm
banana.
5.) Add firm banana to fur-lined mixing bowl gently. Work in
and out until well creamed. for best results continue to kneed milk
containers.
6.) As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur-lined mixing
bowl.
Cover with nuts, sigh with relief. leave to soak (preferably not over
night).
7.) The cake is cooked when banana is soft. If the banana
doesn't soften repeat method or change mixing bowl.
8.) If in an unfamilar kitchen be sure to wash utensils
carefully.
DO NOT LICK MIXING BOWL AFTER BANANA SOFTENS. IF CAKE "RISES"
LEAVE TOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!
Better to be man or woman? Here are two perspectives on it...
==============================================================
I'm Glad I'm a Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off yogurt, diet coke or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my
breasts. I can get where I want to - North, South, East or
West. I don't get wasted after only two beers, and when I
do drink, I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend five minutes max fixing my hair,
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man. I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I
don't carry differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho
and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's
trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical
too. I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I love to watch sports and play all sorts of ball,
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
===============================================
I'm Glad I'm a Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about the size of my erections.
I won't drive to hell before I ask for directions. I don't
get wasted at parties and act like a clown, and I know how
to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut,
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public. I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman, you see - I'm just not that kind!
I'm so glad I'm a woman. I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over, you can't see three inches of crack. And
what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never
buy a toupee to cover my dome, or have a few hairs pulled
from over the side. I'm a woman, you know - I've got far
too much pride!
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band,
or tell you a story to make you sigh or weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see.
You can forget about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding. I don't cruise for chicks,
join the Hair Club for Men or think with my dick. I'm a
woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Stefan and Grandpa: Stefan and his grandfather are fishing.
===========================================================
Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have
one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
To which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while
later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of
those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on,
Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a
lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won
$50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go fuck yourself"
School Pride
============
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off
her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard
and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even when make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
====================================================================
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good,
you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look
through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the
man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets,
I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my
wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look
through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with
one shot!"
Suprise
=======
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first
says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a
pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
The Mail Man Always Rings Twice
===============================
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs
to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his
father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his
mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was
wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I
climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning
and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the
mailman usually fall off!"
New Cellular Technology
=======================
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing
numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into
his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a
very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of
carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the
bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries
on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the
bartender... "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker,
my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's
room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The
guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't
return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender
goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on
the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of
toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are
you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for
a fax."
Bill Clinton becomes pretty kinky lately. The other night he
blindfolded Hillary, then he tied her up and then he went out with
another woman.
Bumper sticker in Arizona: "If this is the tourist season, why can't we
shoot them?"
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every
five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks
at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through
this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms
out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles
and replies, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical
purposes!"
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
=======================================
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly handled
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent
reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly in saturation of
alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at
different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact
with each other.
Subject: WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?
============================================================
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who
don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy
computers -- but imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the
vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you
tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it
crashed and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
doesn't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places
in my car!"
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
===================================================
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case
with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists
an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and
preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are
some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of
the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
> >identify me."
> >Q. Did he kill you?
> >A. No.
> >*******************************
> >Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
> > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
> >*******************************
> >THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
> > information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
> > any.
> >*******************************
> >Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
> >A. No.
> >Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
> >A. Picking them up in the air.
> >Q. Where was the dog at this time?
> >A. Attached to the ears.
> >*******************************
> >Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
> > were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
> > her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
> > you and she, with him to the station?
> >MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
> >*******************************
> >Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
> > What school do you go to?
> >A. Oral.
> >Q. How old are you?
> >A. Oral.
> >*******************************
> >Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
> >A: She is my daughter.
> >Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
> >*******************************
> >Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
> > there was a victim?
> >*******************************
> >Q: ...and what did he do then?
> >A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
> >Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
> >*******************************
> >Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
> > indignities?
> >A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
> > furniture.
> >*******************************
> >Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
> > you observe with respect to your scalp?
> >A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
> >Q: It was covered?
> >A: Yes, bandaged.
> >Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
> >A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
> > and put on top of my head.
> >*******************************
> >Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
> >A: I could see his head.
> >Q: And where was his head?
> >A: Just above his shoulders.
> >*******************************
> >Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of
> > this defendant?
> >A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
> > sonofabitch- and she did!
> >*******************************
> >Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
> >A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
> >*******************************
> >Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
> > murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
> >A: The victim lived.
> >*******************************
> >Q: Are you sexually active?
> >A: No, I just lie there.
> >*******************************
> >Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
> >*******************************
> >Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
> > objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
> >A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
> >*******************************
> >Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
> >A: It indicates intercourse.
> >Q: Male sperm?
> >A. That is the only kind I know.
> >*******************************
> >Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
> >A: Yes, sir.
> >Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
> >*******************************
> >Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
> >A: I have only one, you know.
>
Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Len Perham (CEOs of Microsoft, Intel,
and IDT, in case you didn't recognize one (or more?!) of the names)
were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense
discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is
sitting. Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper.
Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill
lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of
his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are
staring at him.
Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system.
I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into
the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy
starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper.
Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy
taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him
and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But
my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone
is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Len
emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him
and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a
fax."
THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem
to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy
reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find
themselves in such a dilemma.
TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible
since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of
bullets, you
continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have
no exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently
load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When
you try,
however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE.
THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be
re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself
in the
appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
appendage which holds...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot.
The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to
explain it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large
systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the
foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you.
Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of
the gun. When
you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out
how to do it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o no such
file or directory % ls %
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page
document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later,
your foot
comes back deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can,
too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in
all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in
the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little
bullet-thingies are for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you
must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM
You are one of the people on a malfunctioning airplane with only
one parachute.
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the
jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
jumps just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates
and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with
their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a
neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a
report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
that it will work in all cases.
Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all
four languages.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
as well as a human being could.
Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals,
how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds
them of.
Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character
of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work
hard and not expect handouts.
Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to
have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you
long to learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous
to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no
link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.
Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.
Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
fine.
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade
their final exams:
Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn
them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that
comes to mind.
Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grad-Student Emotion Check List
6:30am Wake up and lie awake in bed.
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, which means no eating out
for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't
hit the snooze button; you turned it off.
7:01 Fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early brunch at
(Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's/whatever cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier
today. Must have got more work done.
8:04 Pass by advisor's office, chat with secretary to find out if he is
coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the draft due
this afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail.
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the
class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart, go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask for
your money back. Wonder why they would believe you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to your
work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction. Mutter racist comments to yourself about
your officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend. Feel good
about him not grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around the
world (using the "finger" command, of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
10:31 Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 Edit .plan file. Write a shell program to edit .plan more easily.
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't need and
kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project.
11:05 Perverted daydreams.
11:11 Read electronic news. Mid-morning yawn time.
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you are working
hard as your advisor passes by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all the garbage
you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more than 256
characters per half minute.
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department.
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft and presentation.
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation.
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost.
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company.
12:15 Hunger pangs.
12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your
desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness. Resentment towards foreign
officemate for sucking up to your advisor. Get reminded by your
advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/graduation
possibility/graduation date/all job opportunities/and the rest of your
life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 Splitting headache #1.
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do that.
2:06 More generic cola.
2:17 Oh no, it is my turn to cook tonight :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through.
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree
program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted daydreams. Close the office door and open a few .gif
files. Sharpen pencil.
3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter, NOT! No
time for that. Rearrange desk. Call up bank; see if you have any
money. Fear of losing aid next fall. Read latex manuals to figure
out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonight. Vow to watch
only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice advisor leave.
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office.
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office
late at night to "get the work done".
9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to attack those
FTP sites since network wont be loaded. Run into "since network
won't be loaded" traffic and get the pictures into your machine.
Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space.
Back up all your pictures.
10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work; Realize you need references. Realize
it's too late today to go to the library. Sudden feeling of having
wasted the day.
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide to
turn in early and come back very early tomorrow morning. Decide to
play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the
scoreboard. Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two
notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place. A sense of
achievement! Yes, today was not wasted! Return home to find your
roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him about the
"hard working grad student day you had". Discuss philosophy with
roommate.
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others (The Dining
Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke) Argue with him
about politics, why people prefer Japanese cars and whether it is
better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to defrost the
windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today. Get reminded of the
"too much milk problem".
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to
sleep.
(repeat)
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first one goes up to St. Peter who says,
"I have only one question before you enter heaven: were you faithful to your
wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another woman." St.
Peter tells him: "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive
while you're in heaven".
The second guy gets the same question, and answers: "Once I strayed, but I
confessed to my wife and she forgave me, and we worked it out." St. Peter
tells him: "See that new Buick over there? That's your car to use in heaven".
The third guy answers the same question: "I have to admit, I chased every bit
of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "OK, but you
were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while
you're in heaven." The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, #2 and #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see #1's
Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar, and find
#1 with empty bottles all around him, slumped with his face in his hands on
the counter. They come up to him and #2 says: "Bud, what could possibly be
so bad - you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"
He says: "I saw my wife today!" The other 2 reply, "That's great! So what's
the problem?" He answers: "She was riding a bicycle!"
PROFESSORS' SLANG DICTIONARY
THEY WRITE THEY MEAN
It has long been known that... I haven't bothered to look up the
reference
....of great theoretical and ...interesting to me
practical importance
While it has not been possible The experiments didn't work out,
to provide definite answers to but I figured I could at least get
these questions... a publication out of it...
The W-Pb system was chosen as The fellow in the next lab had some
especially suitable to show already made up
the predicted behavior...
High purity... Composition unknown except for
Very high purity... exaggerated claims of the supplier
Extremely high purity...
Super-purity...
Spectroscopically pure...
A fiducial reference line... A scratch
Three of the samples were The results of the others didn't
make
chosen for detailed study... sense and were ignored...
....handled with extreme care ...not dropped on the floor
during the experiments
Typical results are shown... The best results are shown...
Although some detail has been It is impossible to tell from the
lost in reproduction, it is micrograph
clear from the original
micrograph
Presumably at longer times... I didn't take the time to find out
The agreement with the predicted
curve is:
excellent fair
good poor
satisfactory doubtful
fair imaginary
....as good as could be expected non-existent
These results will be reported I might get around to this sometime
at a later date
The most reliable values are He was a student of mine
those of Jones
It is suggested that...
It is believed that... I think...
It may be that...
It is generally believed that... I have such a good objection to this
answer that I shall now raise it.
It is clear that much additional I don't understand it
work will be required before a
complete understanding...
Unfortunately, a quantitative Neither does anybody else
theory to account for these
effects has not been formulated
Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude
It is hoped that this work This paper isn't very good but
will stimulate further work neither are any of the others on
in the field this miserable subject
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz Glotz did the work and Doe
for assistance with the explained what it meant
experiments and to John Doe
for valuable discussions
Last night I stayed to do work but I became unbelievably bored within the
first ten minutes and so I started telling myself jokes. Some of them
weren't bad and so I started to write them down. Here are just a few of
the good ones.
> > > > I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
> > > >
> > > > I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
> > > >
> > > > I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
> > > > near the place.
> > > >
> > > > Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people
> > > > were trapped on the escalators.
> > > >
> > > > I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
> > > > house and four people died.
> > > >
> > > > I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
> > > > statues that are in all the other museums.
> > > >
> > > > What's another word for Thesaurus?
> > > >
> > > > I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to reminisce with
> > > > people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the
> > > > shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ... And when I
> > > > get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then
> > > > sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
> > > >
> > > > When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
> > > > firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'
> > > >
> > > > I lost a button hole today.
> > > >
> > > > I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking
> > > > his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell
> > > > beating up a child.
> > > >
> > > > I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on
> > > > the escalator.
> > > >
> > > > When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard......
> > > > I was an only child........ eventually.....
> > > >
> > > > Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind
> > > > his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth...
> > > > with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he
> > > > walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
> > > >
> > > > Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
> > > > If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
> > > > head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
> > > >
> > > > Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty
> > > > good... He could go under a rug...
> > > >
> > > > All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
> > > > synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried
> > > > to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give
> > > > me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in
> > > > the store..."
> > > >
> > > > Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
> > > > every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the
> > > > entire trip........... I don't remember what it was...
> > > >
> > > > Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
> > > >
> > > > He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money?
> > > > .He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries
> > > > in...
> > > >
> > > > I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy
> > > > them again...
> > > >
> > > > I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of
> > > > milkmen.
> > > >
> > > > One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in
> > > > the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole
> > > > building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped
> > > > me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said,
> > > > 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a
> > > > highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the
> > > > hell out of my driveway.
> > > >
> > > > If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why
> > > > haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I want...
> > > > my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you
> > > > had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on
> > > > it."
> > > >
> > > > For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them
> > > > in the same room and let them fight it out...
> > > >
> > > > Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the
> > > > entire area was missing...
> > > >
> > > > For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to
> > > > park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
> > > > [slow glance upward]
> > > >
> > > > This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the
> > > > floor, then lifts it]...gutter...
> > > >
> > > > There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
> > > > in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
> > > >
> > > > I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
> > > >
> > > > I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do anything......Every
> > > > once in a while, I turn it on and off......One day I got a call......
> > > > it was from a woman in France.......she said "Cut it out"......
> > > >
> > > > Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
> > > > just whipped out a quarter?
> > > >
> > > > The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some
> > > > people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
> > > >
> > > > The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..
> > > >
> > > > I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I
> > > > pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
> > > > said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
> > > > opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I
> > > > looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to
> > > > hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in
> > > > the desert. Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it
> > > > up and said 'Hello?'...the other side said 'Is this Steven
> > > > Wright?'...I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the
> > > > student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your
> > > > last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
> > > > recieved none of the $17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to
> > > > know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to
> > > > you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it
> > > > he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called
> > > > me again.
> > > >
> > > > My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthtmark til he
> > > > was eight years old.
> > > >
> > > > I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun
> > > > when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere
> > > > Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF).
> > > > He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores
> > > > me and keeps on typing.
> > > >
> > > > Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
> > > >
> > > > I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I
> > > > said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that
> > > > is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does
> > > > anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.
> > > >
> > > > When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I
> > > > said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
> > > >
> > > > I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
> > > > serious because I brought a beach towel.
> > > >
> > > > I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
> > > > like I'm the only one moving.
> > > >
> > > > I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song
> > > > on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
> > > >
> > > > I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
> > > >
> > > > My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can
> > > > ask him what he meant.
> > > >
> > > > Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
> > > > The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
> > > >
> > > > I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
> > > > I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
> > > > to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'
> > > >
> > > > I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
> > > >
> > > > I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
> > > >
> > > > I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
> > > >
> > > > I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
> > > > they wouldn't have to go so fast.
> > > >
> > > > I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
> > > > specific.
> > > >
> > > > I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
> > > > The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
> > > > degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'
> > > >
> > > > Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast
> > > > all over the world.
> > > >
> > > > I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other fish.
> > > >
> > > > I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
> > > >
> > > > In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so
> > > > I never have to go upstairs.
> > > >
> > > > I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
> > > > on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
> > > >
> > > > I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy, were
> > > > they mad!
> > > >
> > > > I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
> > > > front of it in only eight minutes...
> > > >
> > > > Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said 'Hello?' and I
> > > > said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'...they said, 'Uh...I don't think
> > > > so...he's only 2 months old.' I said, 'I'll wait...'
> > > >
> > > > Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
> > > >
> > > > Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my shadow
> > > >
> > > > I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at
> > > > me and said 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.' I said 'Yeah,
> > > > I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.' ...
> > > >
> > > > ... Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you know when
> > > > you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall
> > > > over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how
> > > > I feel all the time.'
> > > >
> > > > I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
> > > > it's going to be up all night.
> > > >
> > > > I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says
> > > > "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.
> > > >
> > > > I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
> > > >
> > > > I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
> > > > guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
> > > > open 24-hours." He said, "Yea, but not in a row."
> > > >
> > > > My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
> > > >
> > > > I was born by Ceasarian Section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just
> > > > that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
> > > >
> > > > A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire
> > > > planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."
> > > >
> > > > I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
> > > >
> > > > I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.
> > > >
> > > > After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
> > > >
> > > > You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
> > > >
> > > > My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ...
> > > > well, to make a long story short ...
> > > >
> > > > I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
> > > >
> > > > I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
> > > >
> > > > It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
> > > > really tired.
> > > >
> > > > I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With
> > > > Pail... Kitten On Fire.
> > > >
> > > > I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift
> > > > Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
> > > > would know when to stop unwrapping.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its
> > > > "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
> > > >
> > > > I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
> > > > backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my
> > > > friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
> > > >
> > > > I filled out an apllication that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:". I
> > > > wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
> > > >
> > > > Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up
> > > > there...Confuse the hunters.
> > > >
> > > > I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
> > > >
> > > > When buying clothes, I wear an extra medium.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
> > > >
> > > > When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side,
> > > > and then walk around like this (frantically looking around while pretending
> > > > to push stroller)..."You had a brother, but he was bad."
> > > >
> > > > I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a
> > > > message and I'll call when I'm out."
> > > >
> > > > Why is the alphabet in that order?
> > > >
> > > > I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and
> > > > went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only studder in
> > > > spanish.
> > > >
> > > > I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road;
> > > > I don't know how I got there.
> > > >
> > > > I installed a skylight in my apartment....
> > > > The people who live above me are furious!
> > > >
> > > > I play the harmonica. the only way I can play is if I get my car going
> > > > really fast, and stick it out the window.
> > > >
> > > > I replaced the headlights in my car with stobe lights, so it looks like
> > > > I'm the only one moving.
> > > >
> > > > I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now
> > > > my car goes 500 miles per hour. the harmonica sounds _AMAZING_.
> > > >
> > > > I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me "If
> > > > I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
> > > >
> > > > My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
> > > > except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph.
> > > >
> > > > Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it
> > > > pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you
> > > > doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
> > > >
> > > > My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I
> > > > said "the whole time".
> > > >
> > > > I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
> > > > time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real
> > > > easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down
> > > > to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother
> > > > was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
> > > >
> > > > "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
> > > > like an idiot."
> > > >
> > > > I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet
> > > > in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you
> > > > want and the table would move across the floor to it.
> > > >
> > > > One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't
> > > > you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
> > > > read."
> > > >
> > > > The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean.
> > > > Can you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
> > > >
> > > > I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
> > > > So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
> > > >
> > > > I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in
> > > > front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
> > > >
> > > > They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up
> > > > his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live on the edge...
> > > >
> > > > I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I
> > > > got
> > > > some flip-up contact lenses.
> > > >
> > > > I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
> > > >
> > > > I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the
> > > > speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out
> > > > that long.
> > > >
> > > > Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
> > > >
> > > > Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
> > > >
> > > > I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right.
> > > > I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything
> > > > in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my
> > > > roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced
> > > > with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
> > > >
> > > > One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous
> > > > blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and
> > > > then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and
> > > > he
> > > > says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
> > > > can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good
> > > > to
> > > > tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my
> > > > analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my
> > > > name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
> > > >
> > > > I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll
> > > > Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
> > > >
> > > > A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll
> > > > just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much
> > > > better...
> > > >
> > > > You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
> > > > and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
> > > >
> > > > I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep
> > > > it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
> > > >
> > > > I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck,
> > > > but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
> > > >
> > > > I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing
> > > > what I was doing.
> > > >
> > > > The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
> > > > in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
> > > >
> > > > My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street,
> > > > except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell
> > > > them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
> > > >
> > > > Sometimes I...No, I don't.
> > > >
> > > > I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys
> > > > in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
> > > >
> > > > I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight
> > > > Bosco on the job.
> > > >
> > > > Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
> > > >
> > > > I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
> > > >
> > > > If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west,
> > > > does he become disoriented?
> > > >
> > > > My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
> > > > doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
> > > >
> > > > Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
> > > >
> > > > The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
> > > >
> > > > Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
> > > > It told me it was none of my business.
> > > >
> > > > It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
> > > >
> > > > I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars but I had to give it back.
> > > >
> > > > I took a course in speed reading. Then I got reader's digest on microfilm.
> > > > by the time I got the machine set up I was done.
> > > >
> > > > I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House.
> > > > Helen keller.
> > > >
> > > > Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
> > > >
> > > > I took lessons in bicycle riding but I could only afford half of them.
> > > > Now I can ride a unicycle.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping."
> > > > They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
> > > >
> > > > I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't
> > > > rise.
> > > >
> > > > I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer.
> > > > it was made of grass.
> > > >
> > > > If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
> > > >
> > > > The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska.
> > > > Now Santa Claus is missing.
> > > >
> > > > I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2 x 4 and a box of 3 x 5's.
> > > > The clerk said, "ten-four."
> > > >
> > > > I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
> > > >
> > > > A beautiful woman moved in next door so I went over and returned a cup of
> > > > sugar.
> > > > "You didn't borrow this."
> > > > "I will."
> > > >
> > > > The sun got confused about daylight savings. It rose twice.
> > > > Everything had two shadows.
> >
>
>
Old Brezhev joke,
Americans land on moon, Brezhnev calls Soviet
cosmonauts and gives an order:
--By the end of this month Soviet spaceship must
land on sun!
-- Ok,comrade General Secretary, but the problem is
that we will burn alive- replied cosmonauts.
-- Do you think we are all studip here in the politburo!
You are going to land there at night! replied Brezhev
This is another (old one):
Walesa, Bush and Kohl meet at the big summit in Cologne.
After the wine and dine they sit down for some relaxed talk.
Kohl says: "In Germany our forests are so big that if you get
lost, you could walk straight ahead for 2 weeks and still be
stuck in the forest!"
Bush replies: "In America, our forests are so big that if you get
lost, you could walk straight ahead for 2 months and still be stuck
in the forest!!!"
Walesa, not being very impressed with what the two gentlemen just
said replies: "In Poland, our foresets are so big that since the
Red Army barged in in 1939, they haven't been able to find their
way out yet!!!!!!!!"
(As a historical note: the Red Army have left Poland, as far
as I know they got their last troops out a couple of years ago.
Maybe it was the new bright star Walesa that guided them out :-) )
After the Russians landed an automatic probe (Lunakhod) on the Moon... Two
friends meet on a street in Prague:
- Did you hear the great news?!
- ??
- The Russians have landed on the Moon!
- Really? All of them?
Two people working on the Danube Channel (La Canal).
-How long are you in for?
-Fifteen years.
-What did you do?
-Me? Nothing.
-Eh, you are kidding, everybody knows that for
nothing one gets only ten years.
A Radio Erevan listener calls in:
-Dear Radio Erevan. I don't know what's the matter with me.
I don't love the party any more. I feel nothing at all for
Comrade Brezhnev or any of the leaders of the Party.
What should I do?
Radio Erevan answers:
-Please send us your name and adress.
Radio Erevan is asked:
-Was communism invented by politicians or by scientists?
Radio Erevan answers:
-Of course it was invented by politicians. Scientists
would have tested it on monkeys in advance.
The Romanian minister of Transport visits his counterpart
in Russia. He is surprised to see the luxurious haouse and
his rich lifestyle, much more than one would expect for a party
member of his rank.
-How do you manage? he asks.
The Russian minister takes him to the window and asks:
-Do you see that bridge over there?
-Yes.
-Well, that bridge cost one hundred million rubles. And
from such a large sum a little bit comes my way...
A few years later the Russian minister returns the visit.
The Romanian minister has an even more lavish lifestyle.
The Russian asks:
-How do you manage?
-You see that bridge over there?
-What bridge?
-Well, that bridge too cost one hundred million lei.
Brezhnev rehearses for the speech he has to hold at the opening
ceremony of the Moscow Olympic Games in 1980:
- Oooooohhhh.. Ooooooohhh.. Ooooooooohhhh.. Oooooooooohhh.
Ooooooohhh..
His assistant:
- Comrade Brezhnev, these are the olympic circles, you
don't have to read them!
Brezhnev visits Romania. Ceausescu shows him a huge steel plant. Brezhnev:
- Oh, we have bigger ones!
Ceausescu shows him some farm machinery on a nearby field. Brezhnev:
- Oh, we have bigger ones!
A big fly buzzes on the windshield of the official limousine. Brezhnev:
- Oh, we have bigger ones!
After the particularily harsh winter 1984/1985, during which the Romanians
had to endure cold homes and food shortages, Ceausescu held a press conference
for foreign journalists.
One reporter:
- We have a lot of information on an energy crisis that has affected Romania
during this winter and which caused, among other problem, a shortage of
warm water and heating in the homes. What has caused this and what measures
have been taken?
Ceausescu:
- Yes, it is true, we had a lot of problems during the winter because the
huge quantity of snow blocked the rail lines and the coal trains could not
get to the power plants. We had to reduce the amount of energy used for
heating in order to keep the industry running, but nobody died of freezing.
Another reporter:
- We have heard that there are food shortages in Romania and that much food
is exported in order to pay Romania's foreign debt. What can you say about
this?
Ceausescu:
- Yes, it is true, we have certain obligations to fulfill and this means
that we have to export food and this causes shortages,, but nobody has
dies of starvation.
A third reporter:
- Mister Ceausescu, when you saw that both cold and starvation have failed,
why didn't you try nerve gas?
A Georgian gets on a plane flight to Moscow. In the middle of the
flight, another passenger pulls out a gun and demands the pilot fly to Paris.
The Georgian jumps him, beats him silly, and announces "This plane flies to
Moscow, as planned." When he lands, he is awarded a Hero of the Soviet Union
medal. After the ceremony, the KGB interrogates him. "Tell us the truth, why
did you really stop the hijacking?" The Georgian replies "There was no way I
could have sold the oranges I was smuggling in Paris!"
The Georgian man gets on the plane. After the plane takes off, he goes to the
pilot, pulls out a gun a screams: "This plane is going to Tbilisi!!!" The
pilot answers: "Don't worry, this is the flight Moscow - Tbilisi."
"Listen, my dear,"-the Georgian says,-"I've already 6 times took off for
Tbilisy and ended up in Stockgolm!!!"
How a gipsy was kicked out of the Communist Party of Yugoslavia
three times:
In 1949 they told him to take down the picture, and he took down
the wrong one.
In the 50's they asked him why he didn't attend the last Party
meeting to which he answered: "If I'd known that was the last
one I would have been there for sure."
In 1980 he heard that DM 20,000,000 were spent on Tito's
funeral and he commented: "With that sort of money we could
have burried the entire Central Committee!"
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
of ould doderez -- to riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
--
On a Romanian highway, a man was driving a panel truck carrying bowling
balls. While driving along, he saw these two Gypsy kids who had gotten a
flat tire on the bike they were riding around. The trucker felt sorry for
the two, who now had to walk through the countryside, and offered them a
ride. The kids quickly jumped into the back of the truck.
A few kilometers down the road, the trucker had to stop at a weigh station.
Upon weighing, an officer came out of the building and said "You're over
your weight limit by 100 kilos, do you mind if I go back and check out
your cargo?" The trucker responded simply by saying "I'm only carrying
bowling balls." After opening the back door, the stunned officer quickly
slammed the door shut, and ran up to the cab.
"Get the hell out of here!" said the officer, "those aren't bowling balls
you're carrying, those are HARAP eggs... Two's already hatched, and one's
already stolen a bike!"
MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE
REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the
release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes
will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The
software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same
demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks
Miller Lite.
"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,"
explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently
seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time
is right for the rest of America to get wired!"
Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in
a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music
library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to
the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.
The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does
have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best
roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs
and beer at the click of a mouse.
"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It
thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere,"
he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his
pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on
beer holder for their monitors.
"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill
Gates.
"Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter
video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just
catering to a demand, that's all."
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel
-- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."
--
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or
History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a
student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the
following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eighth grade through college level. Read
carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.
They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated
by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape
of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my
brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount
Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark.
Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
patriarchs but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The
Greeks invented three kinds of columns. . .Corinthian,
Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a
feminine moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote
The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from
an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor
was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic
because people took the law into their own hands. There
were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that
they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History
calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place
for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics
in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was
a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the
Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold
musterded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of
Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta
provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the
same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many
poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale
tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was
nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter, Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It
was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg
invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an
abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his
merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In
one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the
King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The
next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the
Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the
Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians,
who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of
the Indian heroes were killed along with their capooses,
which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a
hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the
English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would
send their parcels through the post without stamps. During
the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and
declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Marth Curtis and in due time
became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was
President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion
there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing
the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clu Clux Clan
would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the
night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book
called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is
chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
falling off the trees.
How to program in "C"
---------------------
1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
quite understand.
"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
How to debug a "C" program.
---------------------------
1] If at all possible, don't, let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is usefull, but this is probably
unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix
the bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you
look bad.
Subject: Shallow Thoughts of Supermodels
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh
my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from
behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my
cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON PSYCHOLOGY
"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she
liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with
low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more
particular about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis
ON GEOPOLITICS
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all
night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks
ON DEATH
"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help
it."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't
seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in
volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him,
'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
ON INTRODUCTIONS
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able
to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington
ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that
I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when
women are nearby."
-- Fabio
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz
>From the offices of Guiltless Advertising Inc.
The following companies contacted our advertising agency today
expressing their desires to sponsor a world famous celebrity
who was recently cleared of 2 murders.
The new sponsors who wish to have O J Simpson represent
them are:
GINZU KNIVES
Manufacturers of the worlds sharpest blades.
Advances in technology not only allow us to produce
the sharpest knives available today but after 50 quick
slashes the knives automatically self destruct and
disappear into thin air.
THE MONOPOLY COMPANY
Exclusive manufactures and distributors of the world famous
"Get out of jail free" card.
JOHNNY COCHRAN ENTERPRISES INC.
Now, you too can enjoy the priviliges of being guilty and
for $5 million we guarantee you a not guilty verdict.
FORD BRONCO
Escape to freedom in a Bronco
BLOOMINGDALES
Retailers of the best gloves in the world. Guaranteed
to shrink after wearing them once.
Ideal for use in robberies, breaking and entering,
murders or other applications where fingerprints may be
undesirable.
THE NEW MARK FUHRMAN DAYTIME TV SHOW
Without OJ nobody would know me. I owe it all
to this fine outstanding member of society. I
wish all my friends were as innocent as he is.
THE GEORGIA PACIFIC PAPER COMPANY
We make the worlds finest paper. Ideal for
fake suicide notes.
I found this on a wall at Iowa State University.
************************************************************************
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a swit
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
TASTELESS SPACE SHUTTLE JOKES
_________________________________________________________________
The loss of the Space Shuttle Orbiter Challenger during Shuttle
Mission 51-L was a loss to the nation, however as in all things human,
to make light of a situation strives to heal the wounds caused by it.
WARNING: Some of these jokes are rather tasteless, you have been
warned.
Sorry =-( *gene*
_________________________________________________________________
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.
Now Accepting Seven Applications.
How many Astronauts can you fit in a Volkswagon?
14. 3 in the front, 4 in the back, 7 in the ashtrays.
Why was the Challenger Accident like an old TV show?
Because it started off as Star Trek, but ended up as Voyage to
the Bottom of the Sea.
What was the first transmission made by mission control after the
explosion?
No, Bud Light.
What is grosser then finding glass in your baby food?
Finding Astronauts in your tunafish.
Why do the NASA technicians drink Coke?
Because they can't get seven-up.
How do we know that Christa McAuliffe had dandruff?
We found her head and shoulders.
Why didn't the shuttle crew shower before takeoff?
They preferred to wash up on shore.
What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before boarding the
shuttle?
"Honey, you feed the dogs, I'll feed the fish."
What was the last thing that went through Christa McAuliffe mind?
Two inches of steel.
What was the last transmission received from the Challenger?
"I wonder what this button does?"
How do we know that Christa McAuliffe had blue eyes?
Because one blew this way, and one blew that way.
From here on suggested by readers of this page.
What did Christa McCauliff's husband do during the summer after the
Challenger explosion?
Look for a piece of ass on the beaches of Florida.
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory,
being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want
to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if
it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in
the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to
see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being
burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks
ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other
place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in
the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?
Father: Sure son. What's the question?
Son: What is Politics?
Father : Well, lets take our home for example. I am a wage earner, so
lets call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so
we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call
you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your
baby brother we can call "The Future". Do you understand , Son?
Son : I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his
diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound
asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole,
he saw his father in the bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went
totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his
room and went back to his sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. Dad, now i think i
understand what politics is.
Father : Good Son. Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son : Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored
and the Future is full of crap.
A father and his young son are shopping in a drug store, when
they walk through the family planning section. Seeing a three-pack
container of condoms, the boy asks, "Daddy, what are these?"
The father replies, "Those are for high school students ... one
for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."
His son says, "Oh, OK," and they continue on.
Then the boy spots as six-pack of condoms, and asks the same
question. "Those are for college students," the father answers. "Two for
Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday night."
Finally the son sees a 12-pack container, and again asks for an
explanation. "Those are for graduate students," the father explains.
"One for January, one for February, one for March...."
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when their camel
keeled over dead.
They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being
rescued.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to
die, and there's always been one thing I've been curious about--what a
woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?"
The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off
her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about
it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your
clothes, too?"
With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I
put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well, for Lord's sake!" responded the nun, "Forget about me. Stick it
in the damn camel and let's get out of here!"
What's the best birthcontrol after 50?
Getting naked!
LETTERMAN'S TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE, BUT AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag
6. I want it on my desk, NOW|
5. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM........ I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
...AND THE NUMBER 1 THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY AT THE OFFICE, BUT ISN'T...
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge
dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon
the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis,
3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy,
"What's wrong with you?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
After etensive research and in response of questions
about Fax transmission, the folloing summary is provided:
Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
R: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q: My parents say that they never had fax when they were young and
were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21.
How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A:Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct
procedures.
Q: IF I fax myself will I go blind?
R: Certainly not, as far as we can see!
Q: There is a place on our street where one can go and pay to fax.
Is this legal?
A: Yes, Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must
pay a professional when their needs to fax becomes too great.
Q:Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover
should be use to ensure safe fax.
Q: What happens when I correctly do the prcedure and I fax
prematurely?
A:Don' t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven' t
faxed for a long time. Just relax and start over, most people won't
mind if you try again.
Q: I have a personal and a bussiness fax. Can transmissions become
mixed up?
A: Being be- faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover
with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Little Johnny gad some sex questions for his father, "Dad, what does 'pussy'
mean?"
The father took the little boy up to his stidy room and get out a Playboy
magazine. He openrd the book to the centerfold and too got out an ink pen.
He drew a small circle inthe appropiate place and told Jonny, "See, that
circle,
everythinc inside the circle is a pussy.'
"Oh," said Johnny.
"One more thing, what is bitch?"
"Well", said the father, "see, that little circle? A 'bitch' is everything
otside the circle if it doesn't give you what is inside the circle..."
A vary naive Southern girl come home after her first trip to New York
and told her equally sheltered friend what she had learn there.
"Did you know, that up north, men kiss other men... down there...
between the legs?
"No!!' her friend gasped. "What do you call them?"
"You call them' homosexuals.' That's what they call them. And they also
have women who kiss other women.. down there!"
"You are kidding! W hat do they call them?"
"You call them lesbians. And they even have men who kiss women... down
there also!!!"
"Well, I' ll be.What in heaven's name do you call them?"
"You call them 'Darling'.'
Q: Why did Jeffrey Dahmer have to move to a bigger apartment?
A: He needed more elbow room.
A US Marine, a British soldier and a French Legionaire are
captured by canibals. They put up a grand fight, but there
were just too many and they were overwhelmed.
The canibal chief says that they will be eaten, and their skins
used to cover the tribe's canoes, but, since they had proven
themselves to be truely awsome fighting men, as a sign of
respect they would be allowed to kill themselves, rather than
the usual practice of being tortured to death.
The three were presented with a selection of implements with
which to do themselves in.
The French Legionaire selected a knife, shouted, "Viva la
France!" and cut his own throat.
The British soldier chose a pistol, shouted, "God save the
Queen!" and shot himself in the head.
The US Marine picked up a big fork, and started stabing
himself in the chest while shouting, "FUCK your canoe!!"
A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever
had", he says. "It cost $3,000." His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
He says, "Half past four!"
When Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised.
But when Old MacDonald had a farm,
The doctor almost died.
Mary had a little lamb,
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Why did the blonde have bruises around her belly button?
Blonde men are stupid too!
Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
Coz they have to pull their own pants down.
Q. Why did the teacher drop a computer screen onto a pupil?
A. He was trying to 'monitor' him.
"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned the
yuppie to his friend. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked his friend. "A mirage is
something you can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"
"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my partner had a beautiful
wife," said Bill, "but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook as
well."
"I feel I should warn you, Bill," she simpered, "that I expect my
husband home in an hour."
"But I'm not doing anything." he protested.
"I know ," sighed the wife. "I just wanted to let you know how much
time you had."
Mary had a little lamb.
'Twas awful dumb and so
It couldn't tell the red from green
Nor which was stop or go.
It followed her to school one day...
A silly thing to do.
Was caught between the red and green,
And now it's mutton stew.
Insurance Claims
================
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS
ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE
WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT
WRITING CAN BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.
o Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
o The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
o I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
through it.
o I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
o A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.
o I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
o In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
o I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached
an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see
the other car.
o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.
o I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident.
o As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
avoid the accident.
o To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
o My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
o An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that
I had a fractured skull.
o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him.
o The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof
of my car.
o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth.
o I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows.
o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
way when I struck the front end.
Excuses, Excuses
================
THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO
TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please
execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit
in
the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this
weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a
tree
and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat,
her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her
father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed
out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
TRAVELLER'S TALES
=================
IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
lit up.
IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let
loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
IN A HONGKONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S: Drop your trousers here for best results.
OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
OUTSIDE A HONGKONG DRESS SHOP: Ladies have fits upstairs.
IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush,
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
FROM THE "SOVIET WEEKLY": There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by
15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.
IN AN EAST AFRICAN NEWSPAPER: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
IN A VIENNA HOTEL: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance,
men and women, live together in one tent unless the are married with each
other for this purpose.
IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of
the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby by used
for this purpose.
IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONGKONG DENTIST: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.
A TRANSLATED SENTENCE FROM A RUSSIAN CHESS BOOK: A lot of water had been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND: Would you like to ride on
your own ass?
ON THE FAUCET IN A FINNISH WASHROOM: To stop the drip, turn cock to
right.
IN THE WINDOW OF A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from their
own skin.
ON THE BOX OF A CLOCKWORK TOY MADE IN HONGKONG: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
DETOUR SIGN IN KYUSHI, JAPAN: Stop. Drive sideways.
IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special Today - no ice cream.
IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
dressed as a man.
IN A TOKYO BAR: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them
in all directions.
ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children
in the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.
IN A TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they
are best in the long run.
FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm air in your room,
please control yourself.
FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but
if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE:
- - - - English well talking
- - - - Here speeching American.
WHY ASK WHY
===========
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?
Did you know who in 1923 was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful
men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years
later, do you know what has become of these men?
1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene
Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing
golf and is solvent.
CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF!
GOOD HUMOR - BAD ADS
====================
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
LIST OF BART'S BLACKBOARD QUOTATIONS
====================================
Episode numbers indicate the blackboard scene used when the
episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used
in Canada is listed where it was "original" and the USA one was
repeated.
Note that all quotes were originally in all capital letters,
but any punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes.
Openings are listed in the order in which they were first shown.
If an episode is not listed, either it did not have a blackboard
quote the first time it was shown, or it used a repeated opening
"x" after an episode number indicates it took place during the
episode "*" indicates a note:
7G02 I will not waste chalk
7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls
7G04 I will not burp in class
7G06 I will not instigate revolution
7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class
7G07 I did not see Elvis
7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
7G13 Garlic gum is not funny
7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me
7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
7F03 I will not encourage others to fly
7F03x I will not fake my way through life
7F02 Tar is not a plaything
7F01 I will not Xerox my butt
7F01* It's potato, not potatoe (This was used for the second
airing, a reference to Dan Quayle's gaff while visiting a
school)
7F05 I will not trade pants with others
7F08* I am not a 32 year old woman (To put it another way, Nancy
Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy)
7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue
7F06 I will not drive the principal's car
7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
7F10* I will not sell school property (Also used in
7F14 The only episode so far to use a "repeated" blackboard
opening in its first showing)
7F11* I will not cut corners (It actually looks like this
I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS " " " " " " " " " " " ")
7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude
7F13 I will not make flatulent noises in class
7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem
7F16 I will not sell land in Florida
7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars
7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again
7F21* I will not show off (This was written in an "Olde
English"-style font)
7F22 I will not sleep through my education
7F24 I am not a dentist
8F01 Spitwads are not free speech
7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers
8F03 High explosives and school don't mix
8F03x I will not bribe Principal Skinner
8F04* I will not squeak chalk (Bart squeaks the chalk while
writing this)
8F05* I will finish what I star (This appears on one line; the
rest is blank)
8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside
8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink
8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail
8F11 I will not carve gods
8F14 I will not spank others
8F13 I will not aim for the head
8F15* I will not barf unless I'm sick (Lisa has a blackboard
punishment of sorts during the episode; she has to clap
erasers)
8F15x I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills
8F20 Funny noises are not funny
8F22 I will not snap bras
8F23 I will not fake seizures
8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless
8F18 My name is not Dr. Death
9F01* I will not defame New Orleans (New Orleans complained about
the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!")
9F02 I will not prescribe medication
9F03* I will not bury the new kid (During the episode, Marge
wrote "I will try to raise a better child")
9F05 I will not teach others to fly
9F06 I will not bring sheep to class
9F07 A burp is not an answer
9F08 Teacher is not a leper
9F09* Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less
legible; the last line is a scrawl)
9F10 I will not eat things for money
9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call
9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head"
9F14 Goldfish don't bounce
9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
9F17 No one is interested in my underpants
9F16 I will not sell miracle cures
9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog
9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity
9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom
9F21* I will never win an Emmy (This was the first episode after
1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the
show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't
nominated (the show has won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in
the past)
9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
1F07* All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy (This was not
written "line by line" like the others)
1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
1F11* My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
(A reference to "The Fugitive")
1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
1F14 I am not deliciously saucy
1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
1F18* I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (This was first
used for the 100th new episode)
1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business
1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of
Major League Baseball
1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical
MIT Coresopndence
=================
MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions
department went a little over-board, I think. I actually received
this letter, and actually mailed the following (original) response.
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now
you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would
be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to
consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful
indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly
got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we
offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and
cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country)
to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is*
tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and
creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 -
than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so
everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises
for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this
unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight,"
just check the appropriate box on the form.
*******************************************************************************
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307
Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now
you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most
universities would be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to
carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective
that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in
the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a
powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility
for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn
that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology,
from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in
the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self
indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny
and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports
- 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as
Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got
surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your
chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan:
What a Guy!" just ask.
99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
==============================
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a
bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a
Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking
vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I
want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets
home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.
He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka.
Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes
a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come
quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes
another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells
her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead
and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted.
The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells
his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds
to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka
is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and
tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard
and we will drink vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the
table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he
fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one
glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love,
you drink from the bottle."
To the Victor go the Spoils
===========================
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha,
pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of
the house by noon!"
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
=======================
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to
present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes
there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),
we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2
million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
The Canonical List of Outrageous Country/Western Song Titles/Lines
==================================================================
"Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight?"
"Don't Cry On My Shoulders Cause Your Rustin' My Spurs"
"Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the Goal posts of Life."
"Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares."
"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
"How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar
All My Life?"
"I Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral."
"I Can't Love Your Body if Your Heart's Not In It"
"I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling."
"I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me"
"I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart."
"I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine"
"I Meant Every Word That He Said"
"I Wanna Whip Your Cow"
"I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town."
"I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yecch!"
"I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win"
"I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy."
"I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him"
"I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate our Home."
"I'm Just A Bug On The WIndshield of Life."
"I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here"
"I've Got Four On the Floor and a Fifth Under The Seat"
"I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed 'n' Cryin' Over
You."
"If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You"
"If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?"
"If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?"
"If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low"
"If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love"
"If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will"
"It Takes Me All Night Long To Do, What I Used To Do, All Night Long"
"Learning to Live Again is Killing Me."
"May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose"
"My Every Day Silver Is Plastic"
"My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus"
"My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him"
"Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears, and My Glasses are Slipping Down, but Baby I
Can See Through You."
"Oh, Lord! It's Hard to be Humble When You're Perfect in Every Way"
"Please Bypass This Heart"
"She Got the Gold Mine, and I Got the Shaft"
"She Got the Ring, I Got the Finger."
"She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty"
"She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without."
"Swing Wide Your Gate of Love"
"Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone"
"There Ain't No Waste in My Baby's Love Canal"
"They May Put me in Prison, but They Can't Stop My Face from Breakin' Out."
"When the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, you'll Know it's me."
"You Can't Deal Me All the Aces and Expect Me Not to Play."
"You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd"
"You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat."
"You're Ruining my Bad Reputation."
"You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly"
The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit
=====================================
---------- ----------- ------------------- -------
| Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy |
|clothes in|--->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random |--->| more |
| dresser? | |the hamper?|---------->|piles on the floor?| |clothes|
---------- ----------- ------------------- -------
| Yes | Yes | Yes
+---------------------------------------------
|
V
---------------
| Take whatever |
| is on top |
--------------- ------------------------
| | |
V V |
-------- No --------- -----------
| Is |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh" | Spray |
| it | Not sure | smell |------------>| with |
| clean? |---------->| test | | deodorant |
-------- --------- -----------
| Yes | "Not bad"
+--------------------
|
V
-------------- --------- -------------
|For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Place item on|
|Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | dirty pile; |
| holes? |----------------->| visible?|------------>| start over |
-------------- --------- -------------
| No | No
+---------------------------------
|
V
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes |But would you rather have a tick on|
|wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| your eyeball than iron a shirt? |
--------- ------------ -----------------------------------
| No | No | Yes
+------------------------------------------------
|
V
-------- Kinda ------- ---------
| Does |----------------->| Is it | No | Seek the|
| it | "Does it _what_?"| dark |---->|advice of|
| match? |----------------->| out? | | a female|
-------- ------- ---------
| Yes | Yes
+--------------------------
|
V
----------
| Put on |
| clothes! |
----------
Re: Funniest Pick up line....The COMPLETE LIST
====================================
My two favourites:
(i) Wanna go halves in a bastard?
(ii) You don't sweat much for a fat chick do you?
But here's the complete list:
1. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
2. Nice shoes, wanna f*ck?
3. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my
nightstand.
4. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
5. [Look at her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":]
Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.
6. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it
against me?
7. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
8. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
9. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
10. [Grab her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
11. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or
Pink?
12. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
13. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
14. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.=7F
15. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
16. Do you want to see something swell?
17. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750
psi?
18. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
19. I'd look good on you.
20. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
21. Hold out two fingers and say:
"Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't
know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
22. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off
you.
23. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
24. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
25. HI! Can I buy you a car?
26. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
27. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about
the first thing that pops up?
28. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over.
When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough
you would cum."
29. Excuse me. Do you want to f*ck or should I apologize?
30. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
31. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
32. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
33. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f*ck?
[Slap]
HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
34. Excuse me, have I f*cked you yet?
35. Fancy a f*ck?
36. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna f*ck?
37. I am a magical being, take off your bra.
38. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
39. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
40. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
41. Can I flirt with you?
42. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
43. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
44. F*ck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
45. F*ck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
46. Bond. James Bond.
47. That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor.
48. Drop 'em!
49. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed
weasels NOW!
50. I love you. I want to marry you. Now f*ck my brains out.
51. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play
gynecologist.
52. NOW, B*TCH!
53. Say, did we go to different schools together?
54. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with
your clothes on?
55. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the
sky and put them in your eyes.
56. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set
of
buns.
57. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said:
"Smile if you want to sleep with me."
And watch them try to hold back their laughter.
58. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
59. You remind me of a girl I used to date.
60. What do you like for breakfast?
61. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
62. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
63. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and
tell
her I just met the girl of my dreams.
OR:
I want to call your mother and thank her.
64. Do you sleep on your stomach? [any answer] Can I?
65. If I followed you home, would you keep me?
66. Wanna f*ck like bunnies?
67. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
68. Would you like to dance or should I go f*ck myself again?
69. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
70. Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
71. Your place or mine?
72. Your face or MINE!?
73. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.
74. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you
weigh.
75. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
76. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
77. Were your parents Greek Gods, 'cause it takes two gods to make a
goddess.
78. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter,
would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?
79. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see
myself in your pants.
80. Do you know the essential difference between sex and
conversation?
(No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
81. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table
and
take what I want?
82. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this
room?
83. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet
clothes?
84. Do you have a boyfriend?
[No] Want one?
[Yes] Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.
85. I'm easy. Are you?
86. Are we related? Do you want to be?
87. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see
myself
in them.
88. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I
borrow yours?
89. I'm leaving this place..want to cum?
90. Come on, you can't get pregnant again.
91. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!
92. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing
you.
93. What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
94. Did it hurt? Woman: Did what hurt? When you fell out of heaven?
95. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced
nipples?
96. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's
97. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I
was
wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
98. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
99. You smell wet. Let's Party.
100. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your
hair.
101. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came
in?
102. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and
say:
Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
103. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of
interesting.. Let's meet sometime...
104. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look
pretty
good.
105. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
106. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a
weak heart.
107. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked
me
to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
108. Excuse me, do you live around here often?
109. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we
shared
a cab home together?
110. What's your sign?
111. You have the *ss of a great artist.
112. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
113. Let's take a shower together -- you smell.
114. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
115. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
116. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I
thought you knew...
117. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
118. Hey..somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
119. What was that sound?" "It was the sound of my heart breaking.
120. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?
121. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen
her
clothes.
122. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color
coordinated.
123. Have you ever played leap frog naked ??
124. I'll bet you 100 bucks that you couldn't get all your clothes off
in 30 seconds
125. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use
these
condoms in my pocket before they expire
126. Would you like to see me naked ??
127. Do you like chicken? Suck this it's foul!
128. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?
No!
D'ya wanna do lunch!
129. I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty
Woman.
130. Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better?
131. Do you spit or swallow?
132. So....How am I doin'?
133. I would give you a piece of my mind but I have much more of
something
else.
134. Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my
mind all night
135. I would kill or die to make love with you.
136. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did
anyway.
137. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and
spread
the word.
138. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
139. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
140. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
141. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
142. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
143. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
144. I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
145. I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make
it
a reality?
146. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
147. Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here, get 'em while
they're hot!
148. Do you come here often?
149. Where do you live?
150. Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching you...
151. Where have you been all my life?
152. Would you like to join me in the Bahamas next week?
153. Think you can dance in those shoes?
154. (Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you
don't
talk about it."
155. Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything,
but
you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt
like
I had to tell you."
156. Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?
157. Hey, I know you! You were Miss Maryland last year, weren't you?
158. I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a
little.
159. I know a great way to burn off the 300 calories in that pastry
you
just ate.
160. When she asks, for a match.
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
161. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
You: "Do you have the energy?"
162. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
163. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
164. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly
waves
from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
165. [Lick your finger, then touch you and your "friend's" shoulder]
How
about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet
clothes?
166. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
167. Hey I am a wrestler, let me take you down.
168. Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?
169. What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a
bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
170. I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
171. Wow! Are those real?
172. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
173. You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.
174. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to
see
a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
175. Do you take it up the *ss?
176. Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to
see
me?
177. What would you do if I kissed you right now?
178. I'm drunk.
179. You know, I'd really love to f*ck your brains out, but it appears
someone beat me to it.
180. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?
181. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight
between us.
182. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
183. (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come
with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
184. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of
your *ss when I'm finished.
185. Will you marry me and have my children?
186. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles
b*tch!
187. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de
Milo.
189. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
190. That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be
coming
too.
191. Can I see your tan lines?
192. I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.
193. You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.
194. (leaning over to whisper) I think about you when I masturbate.
195. I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be
there.
196. I'll bet you $50 I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds
197. I'm sorry I'm an artist and it's my job to stare at beautiful
women.
198. Hi. You'll do.
199. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!
200. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really, what
time?
201. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a
knot.
202. Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like to?
203. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for
me?
204. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
205. That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
206. (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I
thought
they were wings.
207. Pardon me, are you in heat?!
208. Are you O.K.? Because heaven's a long fall from here.
209. You know, I never was to good at math...like if I put you and I
together, I'd get 69.
210. You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were
eyeing my pretty balls.
211. You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
212. You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?
213. Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice
melons!
214. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
215. Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you
like a feed bag!
216. Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
217. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
218. When she asks, "What do you think of this (dress, sweater,
blouse, etc.)" Say: I like nothing better.
219. At the dinner table, if you eat together, pick up the bread and
ask,
"Wanna roll?"
210. That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you
are
wearing.
211. Ask girl if she likes jewelry. Then grab your nuts and say,
"Then suck this, it's a gem!"
212. You're 'No Parking' right? Just trying to guess your sign.
213. (Good looking waitress pouring a drink) Say when!
As soon as I finish this drink.
214. Lie down. I think I love you.
215. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
216. My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
217. My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off you blouse in
a
public place.
218. Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even been to
bed together?
219. Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely
tuned body?
220. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears?
(Pull your pockets inside out....) Would you like to?
221. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
222. I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
223. You: Tickle your *ss with a feather? Her: What?!
You: I said 'Particular nice weather?'!
224. Hey baby, wanna play train conductor? OK. You sit on my face
and I'll Chew, chew, chew! (choo!)
225. Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll
throw you my meat.
226. Do you know the difference between my penis and a chicken leg?
No??? Well, let's go on a picnic and find out!
227. Oh, you're a bird watcher....(Whip out your unit and ask) Well,
would you take this for a swallow?
228. Stand back, I'm a police officer! You go call for backup and I'll
frisk her!
229. Do you have a library card? Good, cause I wanna check you out!
230. Your warm eyes melt the iciness of my heart.
231. (At church during a sermon) (Put your arm around your gal...)
Honey, I don't know where he is....(motioning to the preacher)
but I do know I'm here with you.
232. Baby, you look better and better each day...and tonight, you look
like tomorrow!
233. Here's a quarter....call your roommate and tell her you won't be
coming home tonight!
234. Hey baby, whatdya say we go behind that rock and get a little
boulder?!?
235. Go up to a girl in a bar, and slip your arm around her, and say,
"Hi Kate!"
She says, "I'm not Kate!" And you say, as your hand slips a
little lower, "But you sure feel like her!"
236. She: Gee, I really enjoyed myself tonight!
He: Me too. Maybe we could let our bodies enjoy each other
sometime!
237. You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once!
238. What's your favorite position on extramarital sex?
239. I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look
ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now
is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How
tragic. How very, very tragic
240. I've got an itch honey. Lower. Lower. Ahhh.
241. I have only three months to live...
242. Hey baby, what's your sign? All you can eat?
243. In the produce department: "How can you tell if these things are
ripe?"
244. Don't worry about it. Nothing that you've ever done before
counts.
The only thing that matters is that we're together.
245. I know milk does a body good, but baby, how much have you been
drinking?
246. Your daddy must be a drug dealer, cuz you're dope.
247. Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful=
smile.
248. Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
249. Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
250. As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something?
She: What?
Me!
251. Have you run into any trees lately? Then how bout a root!
252. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
253. Want to see my stamp collection?
254. Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches
and it ain't floppy.
255. Hi, do you want to have my children? (assuming the answer is
'no') ,
OK then, can we just practice?
256. Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I lick
it
off?
257. Do you know how to use a whip?
258. Do you wash your panties with Windex? Cuz I keep seeing myself in
them.
259. Are those space pants? Cuz your *ss is out of this world!
260. How do you like your eggs cooked? Why? Well I just wanted know
what to make for you in the morning!
261. Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
262. Hi, wanna f*ck?
Her: No!
Mind lying down while I have one?
263. Baby, I'm an American Express lover....you shouldn't go home
without me!
264. Baby, I'm a Nike lover....just do it.
265. Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.
266. Excuse me, maam, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
267. I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
Her: No.
Well then, please start.
268. I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...what say we tie up for
the
night?
269. Would you like to come over to my place later? You can bring some
friends because my face seats five.
270. Wanna go halves in a baby?
271. I hear you like to sing.
Her: Yeah...
(Whip out your pud) Well, then step up to the mike!
272. Beauty is only a light switch away...
273. Hey baby, are you a glover? NO? Well, I am, wanna wear me?
274. I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!
275. Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you,
you
turn me on!
276. Stand still so I can pick you up!
277. Hi, we're taking a survey and I need your phone number. If you
give
it to me, I'll call you and tell you the results.
278. I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
279. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
280. Do you like music?(Yes) Good, I've got a great stereo in my car!
281. Are you looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now?
282. Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up
] with a biscuit!
283. Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to
go with the face.
284. Pardon me, but are those stretch marks around your mouth?
285. Do you hula?
286. I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?
287. Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner?
288. I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of
heaven.
289. Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my
feet.
290. Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
291. Go up to a girl at a bar or a dance and ask her "do you want
a f*ck (wait for a second gauging her reaction)
...ing drink.
292. Go up to a girl, ask her: "Do you know what winks and screws
like a tiger?" She says no.
Then wink.
293. Wasn't I supposed to eat you somewhere?
294. Excuse me do fries come with that shake?
295. I'd spend money on you I haven't even made.
296. I would give you more money than a show dog could jump over.
297. Baby, you look good coming AND going!
298. I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
299. I can't decide if you are a better person than you are a woman or
you are a better woman than you are a person.
300. Well hello there! How you screwin; glad to eat ya!
301. I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
302. Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?
No.
Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
303. If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
304. You look like my third wife.
She: Oh, how many time have you been married?
Twice.
305. Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've
broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"
306. I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with
you.
307. You know what I like about you? My arms.
308. What did you say? Oh, I thought you were talking to me.
309. So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything more
than just conversation?
310. You make my software turn to hardware!
311. As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.
322. Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you
on earth!
323. Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!
324. Hey baby, let's play house, you can be the door and I'll slam
you!
325. Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched
by an angel?
326. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
327. You must be a hell of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from
across
the room
328. There are 256 bones in the human body. How'd ya like one more?
329. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
330. You're ugly but you intrigue me.
331. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like
that.
332. (Wait til the end of the evening when everything is real hazy
and
alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, )
come on, we're leaving.
333. You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend.
334. Do you think I could borrow that dress/bustier sometime?
335. I found this [lace glove, rosary, etc.] on the floor at the club
last
night, is it yours? Well, if it's not, I'd like to give it to
you
anyway.
336. Is that your boyfriend? I think you can do better than that!
337. I keep all of my most important poems and drawings in this little
book. And I'd like you to have it because they're mostly about
you.
338. Excuse me, miss? Hi, I'm doing a scavenger hunt for my fraternity
rush, and one of the things on my list is a umm....weird chick.
339. We're going to dance to one song, then go back to my apartment
and f*ck.
340. By the way, are you 23?
341. Roses are red, tulips are not, do you wanna go home with me and
f*ck
342. Just wanted to tell you I love the way you dance.
343. Hi. Are you cute?
344. So, come back to my place, and if you don't like it I swear I'll
give
you a full refund.
345. So you're a girl huh?
346. Do you like food?
347. Do you like music?
348. what lovely eyes you have... I used to have some just like them.
349. Blow me if I'm wrong, but you wanna f*ck me.
350. Are you here alone or am I going to have to kill someone to win
your
affection?
351. I'd like to tie you to a rafter and f*ck you up and down.
352. Would you please come home with me and tie me up...
353. Wow.
354. That outfit must make a lot of noise in the dryer, huh.
355. (While looking at someone and waiting for them to say anything)
Oh, I'm doing fine! And you?
356. Aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelight dinner later
tonight?
357. Hi, I just moved to this city and was wondering if you could
recommend
a good restaurant here. Would you also like to join me?
358. My drink is getting lonely, so would you like to join me with one?
359. Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
360. Hey! I like your shoes! Do you like mine??
361. walk up to a girl, put your hands on her shoulders, and say, "I'd
like to get something straight between us." and then look at
your crotch
362. I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?
363. Can I taste your drink/dish? (Then lean over and kiss her.)
364. Wow! Are you really as beautiful as you seem or do you remind
me of myself?
365. Can I please be your slave tonight?
366. You should be someone's wife.
367. What can I do to make you sleep with me?
368. Want to come into the garden see my big hard cucumbers?
369. Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?
370. Would you sleep with me for 20 million dollars?
She (sheepishly): Yes.
Well then, would you sleep with me for 20 cents?
She: No, what kind of woman do you think I am?
We've established what kind of woman that you are, we're just
haggling over the price.
371. You know, I've *always* wanted to sleep with you.
372. If you spot a girl waiting in a restaurant/theater/club for
someone,
go up to her and say,
"If he doesn't show up, I'll be right over here."
--OR--
Waiting to be picked up?
373. Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.
374. God must have been in a very good mood the day we met.
375. Be unique and different, say yes.
376. If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I
want.
377. Would you like to be in movies?
378. Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose.
What?
reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP.
379. I wonder what our children will look like.
380. Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
381. Take off that dress and f*ck my brains out, you cave newt.
382. Did you know that the word 'motel' spelled backwards means
'letom'?
383. Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down.
384. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
385. Want to see my stamp collection?
386. Don't you know me from somewhere?
387. Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This
Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!
388. Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving
breasts?
389. Your legs look cold. Do you want me to warm them up?
390. Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
391. I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are
your measurements?
392. (Walk into her chest) "If they weren't sooo large, it wouldn't
have
happened.
393. Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?
394. Love is like a rug. So you can walk all over me and lie on me.
395. Chicks dig me. I wear colored underwear.
396. Excuse me, do you have change for a $1000 bill?
397. Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
398. Will you marry me for just one night?
399. I'm an organ donor, need anything?
400. Hey baby, I want to lick your thighs.
401. Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
402. Just where do those legs of yours end?
403. Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?
404. Uh, oh. My parents met at a place like this. Let's get the hell
out of here.
405. Does my breath smell okay?
406. You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and
knees through broken glass just to jerk off in your shadow.
407. You are so fine that I'd eat your sh*t just to see where it came
from.
408. If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.
409. Here's your chance to get to know me.
410. Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the
room?
411. You are the reason men fall in love.
412. I was, am, and will forever be crazy about you.
413. I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
414. Are you free tonight or will it cost me?
415. Got a soggy bun for a lonely weenie?
416. You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the
other
women look really bad.
417. Hi, I'm new to this country and you are the prettiest sight I've
see
so far. Can you give me a tour of your body?
418. You're the one I've been saving this drink/seat/ticket to Hawaii
for.
419. Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
420. You know, I'm not just an interesting person, I have a nice body,
too.
421. What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??
422. What time do you have to be back in heaven?
423. So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the girl of
my
dreams!
424. You are just truly absolutely beautiful! Can you cook and clean
also?
425. F*ck me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?
426. F*ck me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
427. I've got a pimple on my butt, wanna see it?
428. Perhaps you recognize me from one of the popular adult movies I
was in.
429. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.
430. I would say that I'm in love with you, but you'd think I'm trying
to
pull a fast one.
431. Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down;
go
ahead say no.
432. May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next
to
you?
433. I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of
testing,
whether or not I'm allergic to sex.
434. I am very, very lonely, and I was wonderin'...
435. Help the homeless. Take me home with you.
436. Carry a screw in your pocket and ask girls, "Wanna screw?"
437. Carry a balloon in your pocket and ask girls, "Can you blow this
for
me?"
438. Hold a burger in your hand and ask girls, "Wanna taste my beef?"
439. Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by
tomorrow, she's putting me up for adoption.
440. You know, my mother says you have the smoothest complexion of
anyone she knows.
441. You look just like my mother.
442. Ya know, my mother would just *love* you if I brought you to my
place tonight and then to her place tomorrow.
443. You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
444. Ya know, you look really *hot*! You must be real reason for
global
warming.
445. So, what do you do for a living besides always making all the men
excited and warm all over?
446. You remind me of bacon, the way you sizzle.
447. Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
448. Which is easier? Getting into those tight pants or getting out of
them?
449. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.
450. Are you cold? You should be; you've been naked in my mind all
night.
451. Like the look of your crotch.
452. I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
453. I've got a condom with your name on it.
454. Hi, I'm a tawdry slut looking for a good time.
455. Can you believe it? It's been more than fifteen minutes since
I've
had sex.
456. My friend and I made a bet and I need to check if those are
implants.
457. I know a charming little motel with a cheap hourly rate.
458. I'd love to swap bodily fluids with you.
459. Erections like these don't grow on trees you know.
460. Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to
remember
your face for my dreams.
461. You're what God was thinking of when He said, "Let there be
woman."
462. I am playing with your mind like you have been playing with my
hormones.
463. Can I light your fire, I mean cigarette?
464. Are you as good as they say you are?
465. Baby, I got a backstage pass to your *ss!
466. How would you like to get something off your chest tonight?
467. Have you ever seen a giant sequoia?
468. I've never done this before but I feel like we were meant for each
other.
469. Anything drugs can do, I can do with my tongue!
470. I'm single!
471. I'm sure you didn't mean to turn me on with your big tits, but
it's
too late now!
472. I haven't seen you in a while, you sure look different without my
dick in your mouth.
473. Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all
weekend.
474. Let's bypass all the bullsh*t and just get naked.
475. Let's play army. I'll go lay down and you can blow the hell out
of me.
476. Do you believe in one night stands?
477. With one touch I can make you make noise only dogs can hear!
478. If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the
answer to this question?
479. There's something about you that I like. I just can't put my
finger
on it.
480. I like women's milk, especially the package.
481. My name is _____, but you can call me tonight.
482. How 'bout I slip into something a little more comfortable...like
you,
for example.
483. I'm a milkman. Want it in the front or the back?
484. My friends call me Orange. Wanna squeeze me?
485. My friends call me Booger. Wanna eat me?
486. My friends call me scab. You should pick me.
487. I'm a pilot. Can I see your cockpit?
488. My friends call me Santa. Wanna sit on my lap?
489. My name is butthole. What's up yours?
490. My name is Richard, but my friends call me dick. Wanna know why?
491. You're legs are like peanut butter. Smooth and creamy and easy to
spread.
492. I'm a caveman. Lets go spelunking.
493. I'm an army man, wanna see my cannon?
494. I'm a doctor, take your clothes off.
495. Honey, you look better than a new set of snow tires.
496. Your boobies are almost as big as my moms.
497. (While in the countryside) You're car break down here often?
498. You know, my mother has that same dress.
499 Can I look up your dress?
500. I work at a condom factory, wanna test my product?
501. They don't call me the Italian Stallion for nothing.
502. My name's Clark Kent. Let's go strip in a telephone booth.
503. Put you lippers on my zipper.
504. I'm gonna rape you! Just kidding, what's your name?
505. Didn't I see you on a street corner?
506. Wanna watch a porno?
507. Do you have a fever? You look pretty hot from here.
508. Want to smell my cologne? It cost 2 dollars for a half gallon.
509. I'll take you to McDonalds on prom night.
510. Can you spell ICUP. I-C-U-P. You saw me pee. (laugh profusely)
511. Can you say constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just
wanted
to ask.
512. Have you ever been caught masturbating?
513. I wanted to play games with your esophagus.
514. What tastes bad, is white and sticky? Mayonnaise dumb*ss.
515. My penis was blown off in `nam.
516. When you told me to f*ck off was that a no?
517. Would you consider dating a child molester?
518. My name is Todd, and Todd is a gay name.
519. Please excuse me if I appear erect. I am.
520. I'm a police officer, and I will be forced to due a body cavity=
search.
521. Elvis is my father. Who's yo daddy?
522. Have you ever lit your farts on fire? You want to?
523. What color are your pubic hairs?
524. Have you ever played nintendo for 72 hours straight?
525. Hey, I found some money!
526. I'm not wearing any underwear.
527. Wanna go for a drive on RUDE 69?
528. Lets play bowling. I can shove my fingers in you, then throw you
in the gutter.
529. I am your puppet.
530. Want to see who can pee the farthest?
531. My name's alfalfa. Wanna pluck my sprout?
532. I like to read the comics. How about you?
533. I'm an Indian. See my totem pole.
534. I drive fast. Wanna burn rubber?
535. My name is Mr. Kernaghan. Let me touch your butt.
536. I once went through 4 condoms in one night of masturbating.
537. Pardon me, but how much do you weigh.
538. If you had six nipples and a wet nose you'd be as good as my dog.
539. Yippee, I'm wet.
540. I only buy playboy for the articles.
541. I haven't gotten any in 2 years, what about you?
542. Wanna go play twister naked?
543. When I was little I had an erecter set.
544. Ever heard the song Detachable Penis?
545. I'm a pyro, and my fire burns only for you.
546. I wanna put my thingy into your thingy.
547. I work the fries at McDonald's and I save the grease too.
548. Have you ever used spam in bed?
549. Baby...You're Elite.
550. I'm an astronaut. Wanna see my rocket?
551. The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to f*ck you
on the floor.
552. I couldn't help noticing that you were a chick, and, you know,
chicks dig me...
553. I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without
mutual consent; and by the way, you have my consent.
554. What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me
get it off. Hey, it's not coming off!
555. Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a
princess like you.
556. How was heaven when you left it?
557. What's that in your eye? Must just be a twinkle.
558. The party's in your mouth, can I cum?
559. Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that
good.
560. My girlfriend's pregnant. Will you go out with me?
561. Is your name Gillette? 'Cause you're the best a man can get.
562. Got a buck. Wanna f*ck?
563. Would you like to sit down?
Sure.
I'll warm a place for you to sit.
(rub your face trying to get it warm)
564. You have the kind of legs that I like, feet on one end, pussy on
the other.
565. Here let me help you with these. (as you grab her boobs)
566. I'm blind.. but I can read braile. (as you feel her nipples)
567. I know I stink, but my shower's broken. Can I use yours?=7F
568. Do you want to dance? [No] Huh? I said you look sh*tty in those
pants.
569. I'd like to use your panties to make soup.
570. Have I ever used a cheesy pick up line?
571. Have you read the "THE List of Pickup Lines" web page?
572. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like
a line? And are you disappointed?
573. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the
book. So what's one more?
574. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
575. I don't normally use pick up lines, but ____(insert any of the
above).
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air,
George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can
see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the
balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I
still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where
we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a
balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and
says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and
totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
So this duck walks into a grocery store, walks up to the grocer
and sez, "Hey, Mister, ya' got any grapes?"
The grocer takes one look at the duck and sez, "You're a duck.
I'm not giving any grapes to a duck. Get out of here." To which
the duck replies, "OK, Mister." and he leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the grocery store, walks up to
the grocer and sez, "Hey, Mister, ya' got any grapes?" To this
the grocer replies, "I told you yesterday that I wasn't givin' any
grapes to a duck, so get the hell outta here." The duck sez,
"OK, Mister." and he leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the grocery store, walks up to
the grocer and sez, "Hey, Mister, ya' got any grapes?" To which
the grocer replies, "I told you that I wasn't givin' any grapes to a
duck. If you come in here again askin' for grapes, I'm goin' to
nail your beak to the floor." To which the duck replies, "OK,
Mister." and he leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the grocery store, walks up
to the grocer and sez, "Hey, Mister, you got any nails?" The
grocer sez, "Jesus, your'e one stupid duck. This is a grocery
store, not a hardware store."
The duck sez, "OK, Mister, ya' got any grapes?"
An ode to communication between the sexes (fwd)
This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread
what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
----------------------------------------------------------------
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized
Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on
the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total $*&.
Stupid %&#$!.
Nuns at the Gate
================
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are
expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of
their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with
a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the
tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away
and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns
is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve
her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I
want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
Dating Rules For College
========================
1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual
tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means
somebody's horny.
2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and
"you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE
cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true
love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses
you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing
as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of
lot more that a kiss goodnight.
5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their
feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed
you
they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In
college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In
college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by.
Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college,
cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish
last.
9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it
happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each
others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEST ONE OF THE
PARTNERS!
10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe,
woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha,
Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jeff, Gretchen, Andi...
Here are some One Liners which you can use when the opportunity arises:
=======================================================================
1- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
2- A man's house is his hassle.
3- Age isn't important unless you're cheese.
3- Cole's law- thinly sliced cabbage.
5- Courage is fear that said its prayers.
6- Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
7- Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal!
8- Does your back go out more than you do?
9- Eat yogurt and get culture.
10-Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
11-Happiness is wanting what you have.
12-If your feet smell and your nose runs, you were built upside down.
13-Lawyers work in their briefs
14-If you see an onion ring---answer it.
15-Talk is cheap unless you hire a lawyer.
16-The cost of feathers is higher, that makes down up.
17-When you get what you want you don't want it as much.
18-An optimist laughs to forget..A pessimist forgets to laugh.
Four Golfers
============
Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained
in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children
while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his
own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in
the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as
a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock
brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a
large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that
they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son
is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
I've just recently discovered that he's a homosexual. But, on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big
pile of stock certificates.
College Seniors vs. Freshmen
============================
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to
attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a
recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a
box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the
street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis
midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the
summer
Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional
questions
Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...
Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto
campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits
him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the
chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution
to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
====================================================
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft..
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter.
Banana Cake recipe
==================
Ingredients:
2 x laughing eyes
2 x well shaped legs
2 x loving arms
2 x firm milk containers
2 x nuts
Fur-lined mixing bowl
Firm banana
Procedure:
1.) Look into laughing eyes
2.) Spread well-shaped legs slowly
3.) Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until
fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger
4.) Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm
banana.
5.) Add firm banana to fur-lined mixing bowl gently. Work in
and out until well creamed. for best results continue to kneed milk
containers.
6.) As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur-lined mixing
bowl.
Cover with nuts, sigh with relief. leave to soak (preferably not over
night).
7.) The cake is cooked when banana is soft. If the banana
doesn't soften repeat method or change mixing bowl.
8.) If in an unfamilar kitchen be sure to wash utensils
carefully.
DO NOT LICK MIXING BOWL AFTER BANANA SOFTENS. IF CAKE "RISES"
LEAVE TOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!
Better to be man or woman? Here are two perspectives on it...
==============================================================
I'm Glad I'm a Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off yogurt, diet coke or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my
breasts. I can get where I want to - North, South, East or
West. I don't get wasted after only two beers, and when I
do drink, I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend five minutes max fixing my hair,
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man. I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I
don't carry differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho
and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's
trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical
too. I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I love to watch sports and play all sorts of ball,
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
===============================================
I'm Glad I'm a Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about the size of my erections.
I won't drive to hell before I ask for directions. I don't
get wasted at parties and act like a clown, and I know how
to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut,
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public. I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman, you see - I'm just not that kind!
I'm so glad I'm a woman. I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over, you can't see three inches of crack. And
what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never
buy a toupee to cover my dome, or have a few hairs pulled
from over the side. I'm a woman, you know - I've got far
too much pride!
And I honestly think it's a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band,
or tell you a story to make you sigh or weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see.
You can forget about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding. I don't cruise for chicks,
join the Hair Club for Men or think with my dick. I'm a
woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Stefan and Grandpa: Stefan and his grandfather are fishing.
===========================================================
Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have
one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
To which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while
later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of
those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on,
Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a
lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won
$50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go fuck yourself"
School Pride
============
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off
her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard
and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even when make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
====================================================================
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good,
you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look
through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the
man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets,
I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my
wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look
through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with
one shot!"
>> > > >>> >>>>***Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
>> > > >>> >>>>
>> > > >>> >>>>The first
>> > > >>> >>>>says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
>> > > >>> >>>>a pair of
>> > > >>> >>>>stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
>> > > >>> >>>>
>> > > >>> >>>>The second says,
>> > > >>> >>>>"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
>> > > >>> >>>>a condom in his
>> > > >>> >>>>wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
>> > > >>> >>>>
>> > > >>> >>>>The third
>> > > >>> >>>>woman fainted.
>> > > >>> >>>>***One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch.
>> > Not
>> > > >>> >>>>finding
>> > > >>> >>>>his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs
>> > to
>> > > >>> >>>>check
>> > > >>> >>>>her bedroom.
>> > > >>> >>>>
>> > > >>> >>>>He opens the door, and what does he see, but his
>> > > >>> >>>>father, who had also come
>> > > >>> >>>>home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his
>> > > >>> >>>>mother, also naked, heavily
>> > > >>> >>>>into the act of lovemaking.
>> > > >>> >>>>
>> > > >>> >>>>Not wanting to
>> > > >>> >>>>traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was
>> > > >>> >>>>wrong.
>> > > >>> >>>>
>> > > >>> >>>>Billy
>> > > >>> >>>>watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb
>> > on
and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning
and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the
mailman usually fall off!"
New Cellular Technology
=======================
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing
numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into
his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a
very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of
carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the
bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries
on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the
bartender... "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker,
my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's
room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The
guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't
return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender
goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on
the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of
toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are
you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for
a fax."
60 Fun Things to Do In An Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smaking your forehead and muttering: "Shut
up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask "Got
enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at
the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Share, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no
now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of
THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers
"through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?'
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha
in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!'
51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, sreaming "Aaughh!
Get them off!"
53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other
passengers like they are crazy.
55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing
only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come
home early just when it's getting to the good part.
56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting
"Down! I said down, dammit!"
58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your
neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking
dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The
judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug
use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in
court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the
1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor,
I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people?
That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
_
/ \
| | O
\ _ /
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs
and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's
admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I
persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people!
That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!""Well, I
used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
_
/ \
O | |
\ _ /
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole
before prison ..."
>From "Ann Landers" column. This is an actual quote
from a kid's answer on a science test:
"You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind."
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses
the importance of this particular assignment, and that no
excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical
certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with
a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up:
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down
the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to
learn to write with your other hand."
Hale-Bopp inspired Bumper Sticker:
So Many Stupid People; So Few Comets
A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was
discussing the wide variety of frequency-of-sex that could
still be considered normal.
"Many people find that sex every other week is sufficient
frequency to satisfy -- and that's fine. Yet others want to make
love nightly--and there's nothing wrong with that either.
Let's take an informal survey of this class. Don't
be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How many
people here make love more than twice a week?" A few
hands shot up. "Twice a week?" A few more hands.
"Weekly, on average?" Many hands. "Once every two weeks?"
he continued, and "Once a month?" and "Once every several
months?" and finally, "Once a year?"
At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly.
"Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "but if you only
make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?"
Replied the student, "Tonight's the night!"
Now that they've retired, my mother and father are discussing
all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you
do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a
house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed
women who might be a little younger than herself, since she
is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" He
replied, "Probably the same thing."
Joke A Day Says:
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with
his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be
standing by the door listening to the boy play.
She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all
of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on
train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the
train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want
to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting
ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and
said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your
nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set
for two hours."
So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set
for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his
mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes,
and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He
nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by
door to listen to what her son would say.
The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,
"Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who
want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and
gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And
all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is
two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen."
Why do women do 68 instead of 69?
Because at 69 they blow a rod!
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll
with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been
walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and
sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or
Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic,
this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's
sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a
brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This,
he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest
Arab in Ireland."
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a
few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying
it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the
mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He
gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them
he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school
custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for
the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he
felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a
problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how
hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush
on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the
nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove
the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the
mirror.
It seems that the recreational director of a mental hospital
wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball
game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of
this. However the Recreational Director asked " If I prove to you
how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" It was agreed.
They sat down and "Stand up, nuts" Everyone stood up "Sit
down, nuts" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you nuts"
Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the General
Manager let them in. About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a
tremendous commotion, people running helter skelter. He
asked what happened.
A person said "Someone called out "Peanuts".
A little girl asked her mother:
"Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied:
"No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked:
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring
her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have
the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50
year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small
Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a
matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the
firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the
burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and
loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who
fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept
prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and
over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it.
Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose
announced he had changed his mind, was ready to
jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled
toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and
quickly moved it aside.
An interoffice softball game was held every year behind
the marketing and support staff of one company. The support
staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just *how* the marketing department earns their
keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after
the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that
for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having
lost but one game all year. The Support Department,
however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only
one game."
Dangerfield, a traveling salesman, is drinking in a bar in a
one-horse town, in the middle of nowhere. He's feeling really
horny, and approaches the bartender.
He says, "Hey, pal, I need a girl. Can you help me?"
The bartender says, "There's no girls in this town. But we do
have Singaloo the cook..."
Dangerfield says, "Hey, man...I don't go for that shit."
He starts drinking again, and after a while, he approaches the
bartender again.
He says, "Look, pal, any girl at all. I've got lots of bread, I'll
take care of you, her, whatever."
The bartender says, "There ain't no girls, mac. But we do have
Singaloo the Cook..."
Dangerfield gets pissed. He says, "I told you, I don't go for that
shit." Dangerfield goes back to his table.
He has about six more martinis, and by then, he's loaded, and
he can't take it anymore.
He goes up to the bar and says, "Okay, okay, Singaloo the
cook. Fine. What do I do?"
The bartender says, "Go into the back room there, and I'll
send in Singaloo and R.L. and Maurice in about ten minutes."
Dangerfield says, " R.L. and Maurice? Who the hell are R.L.
and Maurice?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're gonna hold him. Singaloo
doesn't go for that shit, either."
10 reasons computers must be male:
10. They have alot of data, but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It's always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you just push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on, but nothing will happen until you tell it to.
2. Big power surges knock them out for a night.
1. Size DOES matter.
Top 5 reasons a computer must be female:
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. Native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. Makes comments that give no helpful information, such as, "Bad command
or File Name" or "If you don't know why I'm angry, then I'm certainly
not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
SUBJECT: Reduction in Forces.
1. Once again, as a result of the reduced funding available in the FY97
and FY98 budgets, we are forced to
significantly down-size our forces.
2. Under the guidelines we have received from HQ AFPC, those members over
forty years of age will be asked to
accept early retirement, thus permitting retention of younger, lower paid
personnel who represent the future Air Force
anyway.
3. There fore, a program to phase out the older personnel by the end of
FY97/98 via retirement will be placed into effect
immediately. This Program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel
Early).
4. Personnel who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to cross-train.
Personnel being RAPED can request a
review of their records prior to termination. This phase of the program
will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retired Early Workers).
5. All Personnel being RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal to higher
headquarters, this phase will be called
SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Follow-ups Termination). Under the
guidelines to the new policy, a member may
only be RAPED once or SCREWED twice, but he she may be SHAFTED as many
times as the Air Force deems
appropriate.
6. Provided an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be
entitled to receive HERPES (Half-Earnings for
Retired Personnel's Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum
Assistance Payment), unless he or she already
has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP
are considered benefit plans any
member who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED
by the Air Force.
7. The Air Force wishes to reassure the younger personnel remaining with
the organization that they will continue to
receive the best training possible through our Special High Intensity
Training (SHIT) program. The Air Force Takes
great pride in the amount of SHIT that our personnel receive. We have
given our personnel more SHIT than any other
branch in the Department of Defense. If anyone feels that he or she has
not received his or hers fair share of SHIT,
please feel free to bring it to your supervisor's attention. He or she
has been instructed to ensure that all personnel
receive all the SHIT that they can handle.
8. Those personnel who have been RAPED, SCREWED, and SHAFTED, and
previously accepted either HERPES or
CLAP but now have AIDS aren't eligible for SHIT!
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that
someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in
tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a
guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off
and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board
again; this time> it was written about
halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the
culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same disgusting> word written on the
board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being
rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second
week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board
but instead found the words: "The more
you rub it, the bigger it gets."
There's a blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a field, just rowing
and rowing her heart out. Another blonde comes
down the road, looks into the field, and stares at the first blonde.
"What do you think you're doing?!" she asks. "I'm
rowing, and I'd better hurry up! I'm going to be late!" says the first
girl. The second girl gets mad. "What?! You know,
it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name! And if I could swim,
I'd come out there and slap you silly!"
A local radio talk show was soliciting listeners for a name for the
new pill with the side effect that it gives women
orgasms. The best one was "Nomanitol".
A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says; "Get
gas and free sex here". So obviously the
guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay. "Pick a
number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the
cashier. "Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied. "Nope! Sorry play again". So the
guy drove around for weeks always getting
gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was
really ticked: "This has got to be rigged! I
have NEVER gotten the number to have free sex!" He screamed. "Oh no! It's
not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3
times last week alone!"
Little Bobby was sitting in his classroom when the teacher called his
name. She said, " okay Bobby, if there are 3
birds sitting on a fence and I shoot one, how many birds are left?" Bobby
replied, "none". "That's wrong,"> said the
teacher. "How did you come up with that answer...the correct answer is
two." Bobby said seriously,"if you shoot one
bird, the other two would fly away." "I'm sorry Bobby" said the teacher,
"that's not the right answer. but I like the way
you think." Bobby pondered. "Yo teach! Let me ask you a question." "Why
sure Bobby, what is it?" Bobby
responds,"there's three women on a bench, all with ice-cream cones; one
is licking it, one is sucking it, and one is
eating it." "Which one is married?" The teacher thought for a few moments
and said "I don't know Bobby. I guess the
one sucking it?" Bobby quickly responded, "No teach, the one with the
wedding ring on, but I like the way you think!!!!!"
An Arkansan and an Aggie decide to go into ranching together. One day
as they're riding the fences, they find a calf
with his head stuck in the fence. The Arkansan dismounts his horse, goes
over to the calf, and has carnal knowledge
with the bawling critter. Looking back over his shoulder, he asks the
Aggie, "do you want some of this?" The Aggie
replys, "OK, but do I have to stick my head through the fence?"
A man comes home, opens the door, and sees his dog lying in the
hallway. He says, "Come here, boy, come on!"
Now, normally the dog would be doing backflips, seeing as how his master
was home, but there is no response. The
man says to himself, "Oh, geez, something's wrong here...Rex always
greets me at the door!" He nudges the dog;
nothing happens. "Oh, no!" he says, "I better take him to the vet,
pronto!" At the vet, the man asks the doctor, "What
do you think, doc? Is he alright?" The vet says, "Hmmm....let me get a
cat. Nothing better than a cat to rile a dog!
We'll see if he comes around!" So the vet gets a cat, puts the cat's head
near the dog's, but gets no response. He then
runs the the cat along the dog's body, continuing on until he reaches the
tip of the dog's tail; still no response. The vet
says "Well, I hate to tell you this, but this dog is dead." The man says,
"Oh, well, he had a good life, he's in a better
place now...Doc, what do I owe you?" And the vet says, "345 dollars." The
man, taken aback, says, "But you didn't
really do anything...why such a high fee?" The vet replies "Well, it's 45
dollars for the office visit, and 300 dollars for the
cat scan!"
At the conclusion of a church service, three young members of the
congregation met outside and began to
introduce themselves. "I'm Paul,"the first said, "but I'm no apostle."
"My name is Peter," the second said, "but I'm no
saint." "Well, my name's Mary," the third said, "and I don't know what to
say."
So, a guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for
company There's plenty of food and water,
and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright--but after a few
months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean,
nudge nudge wink wink. The pig starts to look more and more
attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every
time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls
at him and once almost bit his leg. very
frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out
there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast
adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his
hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to
walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank
you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do
anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy
thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?".
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside
the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife
on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am
having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other
room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says
"daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the
closet", husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells
at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having
a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!
A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at
the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he
asks. "No. My husband wouldn't approve." "O.K. What if I give you $1000?"
"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back
tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work." So the man shows up next
day and slaps $1000 on the table and
they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes
home a little distraught: "Was my best friend
here today?" "Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern. "And did he leave
$1000?" "Y-y-yes." she says expecting the
worst. "Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and
asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and
promised to return it this afternoon!"
A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and
orders a drink. The bartender brings it to him
and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the
dumps". The guy says "Well, I've
suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I
took the day off work to follow her. Well, when
I came home, I caught her with my best friend!" "Wow, that must have been
hard!" the bartender says "What exactly
do you say to your friend in a situation like that?" The guy at the bar
replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and
I yelled BAD DOG!"
A business executive hires Jack and Jill on the same day. Within a
week, his boss tells him to fire the last person
he hired because the company needs to cut back on expenses. The executive
cannot decide whether to fire Jack or
Jill, so he decides to fire the first one to use the water fountain the
following day. The next morning, Jill approaches the
water fountain with a bottle of aspirin. The executive loosens his tie
and walks over to her. He says, "Jill, I'm going to
have to lay you or Jack off." She replied, "Well, you'll just have to
jack off because I have a headache."
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered
assistance, she explained that she was recently
divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company. The clerk
explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic
Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any
commonplace pets. He did say, however, that
he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back
room. He walked over to a terrarium, and
pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit
your needs?", he asked. The woman answered,
scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable
companion. "Ah", replied the salesman, leering,
"but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex
upon women." At this the woman's eyes lit up.
She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in
her expectant possession. Arriving home, she
drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in
anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she
dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her
thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed
her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still
nothing. She moved it up further toward her body.
Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this
frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the
pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had
been cheated. The clerk apologized
profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over. Ten
minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the
woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the
problem. She obliged, by disrobing and
assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no
movement. "You see?", she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do", said the man. Then, addressing the frog as he removed his
necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going
to show you this one more time..
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over
the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE
PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test
is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper
tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you
can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with
a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your
bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm.
You gotta make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to
be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and
they get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat
teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with
both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his
face. Next he staggers out back and soon all
the people inside hear the most frightning roaring and thumping, then
silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his
shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's
that woman with the sore tooth?"
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her
arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife
again. This time he whispers in her ear,"Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"
Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were
grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his
fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after the
farm and their parents. The one up North became a
salesman, soon was sales manager, and then vice president
and president of the company. Before long, his business was
bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he
became president of the parent company.
One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said,
"Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday."
He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big
merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to
give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to
me. It's the least I can do."
Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful
brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following
month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten
something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100
came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill
arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked if why
he was getting these bills.
"Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got
Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket
with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look
right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented him
a tuxedo."
A guy's getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his friends
take him out, get him waylaid, bylaid, rolaid, mislaid, up,
down, up, bing, bang, boom, forget it, his pecker is a
mangled mess, he doesn't know what to do. He takes two
popsicle sticks, puts them along side his dick, and wraps it
with adhesive tape.
The next day he gets married. Here they are in their
honeymoon suite...she walks out stark naked...
She says, "Look, honey. Untouched by human hands."
He's gotta think quick...
He pulls down his pants and says, "Look! Hah! Not even
out of the crate."
A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life. On
the
second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to
sink.
Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy
manages
to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of
strength,
swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
head and
sees a woman lying near him, who had also managed to survive this far,
but she was unconscious and barely breathing. He makes his way
to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her
breathing
and conscious again.
She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved
my
life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together.
They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven.
Cindy's
fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love
morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the
matter,
sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in
love
with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He
says,
"Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and she puts
it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really
going to
make you feel better," she says." Okay, would you put on my hat
now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you
want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
the other direction.
They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes
up to
her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe
who I'm sleeping with!
******
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were on Ninth Avenue in
New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter
noticed several wildly-dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street
corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at
which point the daughter asked her mother, "Mummie, what are all those
ladies waiting for on that corner?", to which the mother replied, "Those
ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work, dear."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said,
"Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth, fer crying out loud!
They're hookers!"
An angry silence settled on the speeding cab, broken by the daughter
asking, "Mummie, do the hookers have any children?"
The mother calmly replied, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies
come from?"
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