Second humor file
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Sample Exam Questions
=====================
Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer langugae. Using
this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this
exam for you.
History: Describe the history of the papacy from its originas to the
present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic,
religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and
Africa. Be brief can concise, yet specific.
Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and
given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system
has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the
problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't
suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are
storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language
except Latrin, Hebrew, or Greek.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with
special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English
parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and
building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build
a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform
are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.
Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a
clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations
of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and
Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each
man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to
translate.
Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at
your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are
two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the
wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as
soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We
feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be
associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test
your theory.
Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction
manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal
tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions.
Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have
done to prevent the Great Depression.
Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a
straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations
had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.
Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook
paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should
be true to life.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science.
Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after
death. Test your hypothesis.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific.
Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.
It was Christmas time. Everybody was feeling merry.
So Mary got angry and she left.
SHIT HAPPENS
in various world religions
----------------------------
Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism: I've seen this shit before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Episcopalianism:
If shit happens, hold a procession.
Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
Charismatic Catholicism:
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
anyway.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any shit.
Nation of Islam:
Don't take no shit!
New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.
Jehovah's Witnesses:
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Secular Humanism:
Shit evolves.
Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
Christian Science:
When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit in in your mind.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit.
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
to taste it.
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's
shit.
Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.
Excrement happens (you can't say shit in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit over here!
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...
Energizer Bunny:
Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...
Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.
Southern Baptist:
Shit will happen. Praise the lord.
Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!
Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
happening.
Unitarianism: What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.
EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.
Shit happens, but don't publish it.
Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.
Amish: Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?
Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen
Scientology: All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
Sikhism: Leave our shit alone
Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.
Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
===============================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
in other various ways
-----------------------
Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.
Environmentalism:
Shit is biodegradable.
Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Quantum Shittydynamics:
Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
Einsteinism: Shit is Relative.
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
Relatives are Shit.
Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...
Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything
about it.
Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Bush: Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Martin Luther King:
Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
John Paul Jones:
I have not yet begun to shit.
James Tiberius Kirk:
... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
Computer Science:
There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
Macintosh: (Enough said)
UNIX/C: A core dump... Shit!
IBM/DOS: It's shit, but at least it's compatible.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit
is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.
Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
Denialism: What shit?
Purists: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
Procrastinationism:
I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.
Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Surrealism: Fish!
Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.
Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!
Fetishism: I love when shit happens.
Masochism: Do shit to me!
Sadism: I will shit on you!
Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.
===============================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
according to the Philospohers
-------------------------------
Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...
Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out
of life.
Sartre: Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?
===============================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
in various professions
------------------------
Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...
Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist (Theoretical):
Shit SHOULD happen.
Physicist (Experimental):
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Biologist: Is this shit alive?
Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
this shit.
Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form
XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy
Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!
Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please...
Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
its subconscious shittiness.
Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist:
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, there will never again be shit.
Shit is bad for the economy.
Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
Musician: This shit is out of tune.
Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
Quality Control Inspector:
This shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss: Rub the shit out.
NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
===============================================================================
THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS
for Sanitation Engineers
------------------------
0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.
KEEP SHOVELING!!
February 18, 1994
ADMINISTRATION
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom
under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip
Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of
accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal
treatment of all employees.
Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each
employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given
twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.
Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are
being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-
linked voice printk recognition devices. Before the end of the month
each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and
one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print
recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during
the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the
stations during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to
the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first
of the next month. In additin, all restroom stalls are being equipped
with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more
than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirthy-seconds after the
alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toliet
will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains
occupied your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the
Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times
will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about
this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received
advanced instructions.
Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in
the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule
the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up
when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the
stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who
understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation
is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say
as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate
or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of
the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only
be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside
of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are
replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction, and theat any customer missing his balls should
suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify the following:
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
A Visit from a Silicon Impostor
A few weeks before Christmas,
One Nine Ninety-Four,
The whole world was stirring with outrage galore.
The shockings related to gross lack of care
Whether all had the margin of error to spare.
Small companies nestled all snug in their pride
That their vision of equal respect had applied.
And papa with the trackball (I, saving my wrist)
Had just settled our brains for a game-maybe Myst.
When out on the net, in the press, such a clatter
And chatter arose! Here is what was the matter:
Away to the window I flew to find out
What Tom Nicely's discovery was all about.
Those ads on the TV and ads in the mags
Gave the luster of payday to all of their brags
When what to my wondering eye it appears
That the floating point error "news" is in arrears.
The error is bad. The arrears part is sick,
So I knew in a moment it wasn't Saint Nick!
More rapid than eagles, supporters they came.
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
On PB, on Gateway, on Tandy and Acer,
On Compaq, on Stupid, on Dell and Fujitsu
To the top of the boards to the top of The Wall
Now stash away, stash away, stash away all!
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle reach to the sky
So up to the analysts his coarsers flew.
It remains to be seen what they further will do.
And then in a moment I heard in the snow
The prancing and pawing of each CEO.
As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney this chipmaker came with a bound.
He was dressed all in gold from his head to his foot,
Reputation all tarnished with greedy pursuit
He had a broad grin like an open ellipse
And a confident stance poised to shoot from both hips
With a wink of an eye and a shake of his head
He tried vainly to say I had nothing to dread.
With arrogant zeal he went straight to his work
To fill the stock holdings, then rose, (what a jerk)
And laying a finger aside of his nose
As much as to say, "You don't count." Then he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like the cone of a missile
But I'm here to exclaim, if Intel is inside,
Happy Christmas to you,
Just don't try to divide!
Pat McCornack
"Star Trek Lost Episodes"
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts
at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
"
"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
"Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin
consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a
new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
able
to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability
will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions."
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . .
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in
the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
their
is something we have missed."
"Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.
"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity
has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
"Data, what does your scanners show?"
"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce
their functionality."
. . . . Two Hours Pass . . . .
"Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something
called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
"How much time will that buy us ?"
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
"Identify."
"It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft'
logo"
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive
the
tortures of deep space ?!"
"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather
briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"
"Lawyers !!"
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
"True, but appearently some must have survived."
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with
all types of papers."
"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'
it
often proves fatal."
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserve that."
WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
* Bicycles don't get pregnant.
* You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
* Bicycles don't have parents.
* Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
* When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
* Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
* You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle"
unless you go out to buy one yourself.
* If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
* If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
* If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics
with it.
* You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before
you ride it again.
* You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
* You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't
get frustrated.
* Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump
it.
* Bicycles don't get headaches.
* Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
* Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care if you're late.
* You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
* If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
* You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to
take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
* The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a
decent helmet.
* When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had
the last time you were on your Bicycle.
WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN MEN!
(Heard the old joke? -- A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!)
* Bicycles don't work late.
* Your Bicycle stays as clean as you want it to.
* Bicycles don't have parents or kids.
* Bicycles don't get sick.
* Bicycles don't get overweight, except as per your convenience.
* If your Bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
* If your Bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
* You can check out the guy who works on your Bicycle.
* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before
you ride it again.
* Your Bicycle always has time for you.
* Bicycles don't complain and don't ride away from you when the road gets
rough.
* Bicycles don't watch TV.
* Bicycles don't shave.
* Bicycles don't snore.
* Bicycles don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.
* Bicycles are better protection in a bad neighborhood.
* If you don't like the size of your bicycle you can get a new one.
* You can try out as many bikes as you like before you get your own.
* You don't have to feed your bicycle.
* Bicycles never argue, you are always right.
* Bicycles never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
* Bicycles never try to show you off to their friends.
* Bicycles don't come home drunk after a night out with its buddies.
* Bicycles don't sneak around with other bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care what you look like or what your age is.
* Bicycles don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.
* Bicycles don't care if you have to work late.
* When you go riding, your bicycle doesn't care if other bicycles are bigger or
better.
* Bicycles don't care about their performance.
* Bicycles don't get you pregnant.
* Bicycles don't have mothers.
* When you've finished a ride, you can get off.
* You don't have to praise a bike after a ride.
* Bicycles don't sulk.
* Bicycles don't bore you.
* Bicycles don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting riders.
* Bicycles don't have to prove anything.
* Bicycles don't try to change you once you've bought them.
* Bicycles don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
* Bicycles never interrogate you.
* Bicycles don't fart in bed [or elsewhere!].
* Bicycles don't leave smelly inner tubes lying around on the floor.
* Second hand bikes don't brag about previous owners.
* Second hand bikes don't go to see previous owners for a ride when you're
out of town.
* You don't have to explain to a bike if you don't feel like a ride.
* Bicycles never put you down.
* Bicycles don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.
* Bicycles don't have egos.
* Bicycles don't refuse to ask for directions when they're lost.
* Bicycles don't need remote control units.
* When you're lost you don't have to argue with it about stopping for
directions.
* When it's going too fast into a curve you can slow it down.
* When you need someone to ride with it's happy to go.
* You buy the tools it needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used.
* You don't have to explain to it the need for matching jersey and shorts.
* You don't have to continually assure it that its crank length is just right.
* You determine the length and frequency of the rides, and you're always on
top.
* It never finishes before you do.
* It doesn't complain about you going out to dinner with your women friends
rather than staying at home with it.
* You never get helpful suggestions from its mother.
* It will ride with you even on Super Bowl Sunday.
* It never complains if you put on a few pounds.
* When its dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and know that it
can be fixed).
* If you decide to get a new bicycle you don't have to give up more than
half of everything you have.
* It will never earn more that you do for the same job just because it's a
bicycle.
* It never spends a "night out with the bikes" and comes home with a
strange rash on its saddle.
* It will never turn into a beer bellied blob of metal on the couch in
front of the TV.
> > 11 REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS:
> >
> > 1) Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be
> > devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have
> > it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are
> > wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think
> > it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still,
> > many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
> >
> > 2) It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
> > to get any real work done.
> >
> > 3) In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
> > considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
> > that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it
> > for fun most of the time.
> >
> > 4) Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
> > would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
> >
> > 5) It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
> > interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard
> > to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
> >
> > 6) If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
> > viruses.
> >
> > 7) It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
> > much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
> >
> > 8) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
> > and influence warrant.
> >
> > 9) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
> > trouble.
> >
> > 10) It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your
> > intentions, it
> > will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I
> > do that?"
> >
> > 11) It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
> > just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are
expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of
their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with
a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the
tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away
and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns
is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve
her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I
want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
What goes black and yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow....
A fake blonde doing cartwheels.....
Why do some blondes have bruised belly-buttons?
Some blonde guys are dumb too!
> College Seniors vs. Freshmen
>
> Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
> Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
>
> Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
> Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to
>attend.
>
> Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
> Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a
> recitation class.
>
> Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
> Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
>
> Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
> Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
>
> Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
> Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
>
> Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
> Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
>
> Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
> Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a
>box
> of pop tarts in hand.
>
> Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
> Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
>
> Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
> Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the
>street.
>
> Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
> Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
>
> Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first
>week.
> Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
>
> Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
> Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
>
> Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
> Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis
>midterm
>
> Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
> Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
>
> Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
> Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the
>summer
>
> Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional
> questions
> Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...
>
> Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto
>campus
> Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
>
> Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits
>him,
> the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the
>chance to
> expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to
>society
> Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
>
> Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
> Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
>
>
>
>Dating Rules For College
>
> 1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual
> tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means
> somebody's horny.
>
> 2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and
> "you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE
> cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
>
> 3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true
> love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
>
> 4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses
> you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing
> as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of
> lot more that a kiss goodnight.
>
> 5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their
> feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed
> you
> they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
>
> 6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In
> college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
>
> 7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In
> college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by.
> Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
>
> 8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college,
> cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish
> last.
>
> 9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it
> happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each
> others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEST ONE OF THE
> PARTNERS!
>
> 10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe,
> woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha,
> Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jeff, Gretchen, Andi...
>
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft..
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter.
Peace, Love, Happiness
-ALWAYS-
Katko
***Stefan and Grandpa: Stefan and his grandfather are fishing.
Granddad
pulls out a beer
and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of
those?" Grandpa says
"Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To
which the little
boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
A while
later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
have
one of
those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your
asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
Later on,
Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
each buy a
lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I
just won
$50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me,
right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch
your
asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself"
------------------------
***
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes
off
her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark
on
your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard
and
he's
so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even
when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl
comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y"
on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes
off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of
days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her
blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at
Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin.
Why do you ask?"
*** A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his
rifle.
He
goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The
clerk
takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good,
you
can see
my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look
through the
scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see
a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the
man
replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets,
I'll
give you this
scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my
wife's head off and
shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look
through the scope,
and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with
one shot!"
***Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first
says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a pair of
stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a condom in his
wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third
woman fainted.
***One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch.
Not
finding
his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs
to
check
her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his
father, who had also come
home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his
mother, also naked, heavily
into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to
traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was
wrong.
Billy
watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb
on
and
have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on
and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning
and writhing
wildly.
"Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman
usually
fall off!"
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being
sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send
you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly
Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've
never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want
to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said,
"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your
decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see
heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing
harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think
I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured
by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This
is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't
believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the
beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
ANGRY IN THE SKY:
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder He yanked up to
Heaven three influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill
Gates.
"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."
With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad
news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God.
The bad news is, He's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news
and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God
after all. The worse news is He's mad and is going to end the world in a
week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have
good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one
of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better
news is we don't have to fix WINDOWS 95."
RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male
repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their
business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing
article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in
the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance
cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never
study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans
for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank
robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't
followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead
of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no
longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want
to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his
mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to
plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of
the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She
hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another
teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next
in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities
arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the
back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on
an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in
East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the
robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried
to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house,
where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a
note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope."
The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them
and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury
ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.
Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer
picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a
diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.
They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida
who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They
drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the
teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in
the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs,
stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark
points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in
San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot
himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the
hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had
no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979,
for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the
bank holdups reported.
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
building
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the
window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and
open
an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like
to
meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of
money
involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request
and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills
which
amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's
secretary
to obtain an appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know
the
people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank
president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of
money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied.
He was quiet for some time, trying to think of where this elderly
woman
could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained
that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she
said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your
balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take
her up on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of
the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening
and
take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make
sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal
appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work
and
waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he
went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get
handed
$25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With
her
was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was
doing in
the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she
always took him along when there was that much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as
I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request
considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him.
Sure
enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing
across the
room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he
inquired.
"Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this
morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
SEASON'S GREETINGS !
*************************
* MONEY'S SHORT *
* TIMES ARE HARD *
* HERE'S YOUR FUCKING *
* CRISTMAS CARD ! *
*************************
Twas the night before christmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt shity
Even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
Had just settled down
For a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The fucker had fell.
He filled all ous stockings
With pretzers and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a hell of a night!
AN ENGINEER'S VIEW OF SANTA CLAUS:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get
back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each
of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per
household, a total trip of 71.604 million miles, not counting stops to
do
what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles
per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2
pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see
point #1) could pull TEN TIMES
the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We
need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting
the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison -
this
is
four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times
greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back
of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
Ho-Ho-Ho, Merry #$&*%@ Christmas!!
These two guys are in the wild west of the US about 150 years ago.
They walk into a bar and they see a sign which says "WE PAY $100 FOR
INDIAN SCALPS". So Charles turns to Edgar and says "hey look that's
easy money old chap, let us find us some natives." So the two of them
go out, find two indians, scalp them and duly get their their $100.
That night they sleep in a tent on the edge of town. The next morning
Charles wakes up and sticks his head out of the tent and he sees
20,000 indians standing in a circle around them. He quickly gets back
into the tent and shouts excitedly: "Edgar, we're rich we're rich!"
-Have you ever had sex in three?
-No. Why?
-If you run quickly home, you still have a chance to.
A Final Visit From Saint Nicholas
_________________________________
'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet
seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not
be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not
the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And
which waiter are you tipping anyway? I think next time I go to a
restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays
the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No
animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for?
Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various
important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to
plants? Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded
every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what
we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't
you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"?
It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone
companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when
you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go
the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that
the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me?
No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those
idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the
person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to
move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination?
"Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer,
I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry
detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out?
Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even
get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads?
All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of
advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And
look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you
need it!" I think not.
These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:
Grand Prize Winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and
when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered
side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above
the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed
monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Runners-up:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the
pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it out.
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use
acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Honorable Mentions:
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the
world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to
spin on its axis.
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is
that it's easier to go faster when you're always going
downhill.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is
constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you
going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct
black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".
The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers
have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and a recent 'Car Talk Puzzler'
was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly
favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of
all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again.
The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at
the French in defiance.
The puzzler was: What was this body part? This is the answer
submitted by a listener:
Dear Click and Clack,
Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some
profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional
symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the
English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without
which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This
famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act
of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". Thus, when the
victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French,
they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like
"pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for
the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew all thought yew knew everything!
1. A good place to meet a man is at a dry cleaners. These men usually
have jobs and bathe.
2. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
3. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when
he watches sports on TV, he thinks if he concentrates, he can help his
team. If his team is in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case
they call him.
4. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyche.
5. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.
6. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
7. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that
is a combination address book, telescope, and piano.
8. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General
Schwarzkopf.
9. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire, and
the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
10. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen
a man walk into a party and say, "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed; get
me out of here. There is another man wearing the same suit!".
11. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
12. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
13. When four or more women get together they talk about men.
14. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
15. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the
movie, "The Way We Were" twice voluntarily.
16. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
17. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with
superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.
18. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That is why men
need instant replay in sports. They have already forgotten what
happened.
19 When a women tries on clothes from her closet that feel tight, she
assumes she has gained weight. When a man tries on something from his
closet that feels tight, he assumes his clothes shrank.
20. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -
you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
What "PhD" really stands for:
* Patiently hoping for a Degree
* Piled higher and Deeper (after BS = Bullsh..., MS = More of the Same...)
* Professorship? hah! Dream on!
* Please hire. Desperate.
* Physiologically Deficient
* Pour him (or her) a Drink****
* Philosophically Disturbed
* Pathetically hopeless Dweeb
* Probably heavily in Debt
* Parents have Doubts
* Professors had Doubts
* Pheromone Deprived
* Probably hard to Describe
* Patiently headed Downhill...
* Permanent head Damage
* Pulsating heaving Disaster?
* Pretty homely Dork
* Potential heavy Drinker
* Professional hamburger Dispenser... "Would you like fries with that?"
* Post hole Digger
* Professional hair Dresser
* Piano hauling Drone
* Pizza hut Driver
* Pretty heavy Diploma
* Phinally done !!
NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA
-------------------------------------------------
Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics ("Ebony" + "Phonics")
Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics
Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
French-American Speak -- Cornichonics (or Escargonics)
Oakland-School-Board Speak -- Moronics
Why Dogs are Better than Women
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late. (The later you
are, the more excited they are to see you.)
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
You can trade an old dog in for a new one.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher or Barbara Streisand album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after having pups.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
You can send a dog to obedience school.
Dogs are trainable.
It's legal to discipline your dog.
Dogs will fetch you things.
Dogs are man's best friend.
Dogs are happy with very little.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs are an inexpensive luxury.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever owned.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet,
desk and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs prefer a hamburger over a lobster dinner.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Dogs love you unconditionally.
How Dogs and Women are Alike
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you
say.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
How Women are Better than Dogs
It is socially acceptable to have sex with a woman.
Women leave the room to fart.
Though they have only two, women's breasts are far more interesting.
>>
>> >
>> > A man walks into a local bar that he has been going to for years. He sits
>> > down and orders a Seven Up from the bartender. The bartender replies:
>> > George, you've been coming here for years, and you always drink whiskey,
>> > whats with the Seven Up? George replies: After last night, I'm quitting
>> > alcohol.
>> >
>> > Bartender: What happened last night?
>> >
>> > George: I drank way too many whiskey's, and when I got home, I started
>> > blowing chunks.
>> >
>> > Bartender: Hey, there's nothing wrong with that, I throw up from drinking
>> > all the time.
>> >
>> > George: You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!!
>> >
>> >
>>
>
>
>>>There's a new commander of a French Foreign Legion base, and the
>>>captain
>>>is showing him around the various buildings. After he's made the
>>>rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute.
>>>You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that
>>>used for?" The captain replies, "Well sir, you see, there are no
>>>women
>>>around here. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman they go in
>>>there
>>>and use the camel." Taken aback, the commander says, "Enough!", and
>>>turns away in disgust.
>>>
>>>Two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a
>>>woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something Captain,"
>>>then he lowers his voice, glances around and asks, "Is the camel free
>>>anytime soon?" the captain replies, "Well, let me see." He opens his
>>>book and says, "Why yes, sir the camel is free tomorrow at 1400
>>>hours."
>>>The commander syas, "Put me down for 1400."
>>>
>>>So the next day at two o'clock the commander trots over the small blue
>>>building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel
>>>he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he
>>>closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the
>>>camel's butt. He climbs up on the stool, drops his pants, and
>>>proceeds
>>>to screw the living hell out of the poor beast. A minute later the
>>>captain walks in and says, "Ahem... begging your pardon sir, but
>>>wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like
>>>all the other men?
>>>
>>
>>
>> > > A NUN'S TALE
>> > >
>> > > A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small,
>> > >> high, voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"
>> > >> In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation,
>> > >> "Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?"
>> > >> The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?"
>> > >> The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you
>> > >> never think about doin' it?"
>> > >> The nun replies, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed
>> > my
>> > >> mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand."
>> > >> The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?"
>> > >> The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very
>> > >> unique circumstance, I might consider it.
>> > >> The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"
>> > >> The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well
>> > >> certainly, he could have no children."
>> > >> The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all
>> > three.
>> > >> Why do youse come on up here...I won't even make you really break
>> > your
>> > >> vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."
>> > >> The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where
>> > anyone
>> > >> would recognize her....at the next light she gets into the front with
>> > the
>> > >> driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of
>> > the
>> > >> cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in,
>> > the
>> > nun
>> > >> hears the cabbie begin to laugh.
>> > >> The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?"
>> > >> The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married,
>> > >> and I got four kids.
>> > >> And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response,
>> > >> "Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>
Date: 2/7/97
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Here's an example--
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22011
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22011
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm# theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two
and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a
radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six
and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient
eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor
#1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant
agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any
temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a
period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order
rate expression (see JACOS, 21,55), or until golden brown. Once the
reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,
allowing the produce to come to equilibrium.
________
O.J. Aftermath: "The lawyers are under a temporary gag order,"
says Jay Leno. "See, personally, I am against temporary gag
orders. They should be permanent gag orders so we never have
to hear from these people ever again."
* "The O.J. Simpson jury has sent the world a message,"
says Bill Maher. "If you kill someone in L.A., you are
looking at a very stiff fine."
* "The $8.5 million paints a grim financial picture for O.J.
To raise that kind of cash, 'The Naked Gun' would have to
gross $1.7 trillion." (Bob Mills)
* "O.J. will be left one set of golf clubs so he can continue
his quest for the real killer." (Gary Easley)
"President Clinton is trying to decide where he wants to put
his presidential library, but there could be a major problem.
How do you have a presidential library when you've shredded
all your documents?" (Leno)
Those Busy Archeologists: "A British archeologist has found globs
of flavored tar that was chewed and spat out by a prehistoric
man," says Jenny Church. "It's the first fossil evidence of
major league baseball."
Our Government: "President Clinton spoke. And then a guy came on
and gave the Democratic response." (Maher)
Capitol Beat: The president delivered his State of the Union
address Tuesday. "President Clinton told Congress he needs its
help in the war on corruption. The anti-corruption side is
gaining on them." (Argus Hamilton)
* "The speech was good, but those Indonesian subtitles
got annoying," observes Alex Pearlstein.
In the News: "Today is National Weatherperson's Day.
There's a 20% chance no one will care." (BBS Briefs)
Action star Steven Seagal will travel with the Dalai Lama to
Taiwan. "The Tibetan leader plans to teach Seagal the road
to spiritual enlightenment and Seagal will teach the Dalai
Lama how to disembowel an intruder with a shrimp fork."
(Premiere Morning Sickness)
"Star Wars" has grossed $36 million. "After 20 years a whole
new generation was introduced to the phrase ' "Star Wars"
action figures sold separately.' " (Olympia Daily World)
People magazine reports that one of the main characters on
"Melrose Place" will die of a brain tumor. "What is it
gonna grow on?" asks Leno.
Ecology Watch: The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has
nominated the 5-inch bog turtle to the endangered
species list. "Approval is expected to move very slowly,
but steadily, through Congress." (Jerry Perisho)
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break.
1st surgeon says:
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says:
"Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."
3rd responds:
"Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
4th intercedes:
"I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their
heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the
conversation while sipping from a bottle of Jack Daniels (as all
surgeons do between operations), says:
"I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end."
Cultural Differences Explained
==============================
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic
to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American
channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there
watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing
baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it
"English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they
say
in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Although happy, Adam felt that he was missing something in the Garden
of Eden. "You are lonely," said God. "I will make you a companion.
A woman." Adam looked puzzled and asked, "What's a 'woman', God?"
"Ahhhh," began God. "Eyes so beautiful they reach the soul. Hair
that blows with the wind. Skin soft to the caress. A curvaceous body
the likes of which creation has never seen. All this and more."
"There's more?" asked Adam, excitedly.
"Yes," replied God. "Woman will pleasure you in ways you never
dreamed possible. She will comfort you, attend to your needs. She
will fill your mornings with pleasure and your evenings with ecstasy."
Knowing that God was a shrewd businessman, Adam asked God what this
was going to cost him. "It's going to cost you you're right ear, your
right eye, your right arm, and your right testicle," was God's answer.
Well, Adam thought on that for a moment and then said, "What can I get
for a rib?"
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her)
being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the
following with the party of the second part (herein referred
to as he/him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the first date or match up),
each party agrees to fully disclose any current
girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious
beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political
affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone
else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party
agrees to make known any deep-seated
mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical
obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure
to make these disclosures will result in the immediate
termination of said relationship before it has a chance to
get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold
the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred
to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up"
turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For
definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story",
available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of
Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in
Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon
Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal
Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship
proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree
to use the following terminology in describing their said
"dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties
consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies
nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the
first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing
somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an
item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the
"first date" either member may elect to use the terms
"girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances
may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are
the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old
ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further,
if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be
accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and
disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the
relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may
once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both
parties agree not to ask questions about the others
whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday
periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be
made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on
the other's time. Following the first six weeks or
forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing
in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees
to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both
members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the
other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A
minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the
two parties during the working day, and each party will
attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone
calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates
will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance;
there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to
console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to
strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each
member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one
spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery
of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following
the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to
their normal personalities .
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross
income aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners,
clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the
bedroom, which are subject to the availability of
discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I
bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said
relationship progress to the point where the couple spends
more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be
made to split the time between their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to
silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at
7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself"
while in residence at her apartment, including washing his
whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household
duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right
to keep his apartment "a mess".) (Especially since we tend
to excel in this area!)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each
member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in
the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together,"
"Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic
terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party
agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's
right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties
agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love
plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular
pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party
to abide by this rule will result in the other party using
the "G" word . . . "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be
grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of
said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used
to do that same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other
member should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
thinks you are..."
and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of
the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof) .
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each
party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by
using one or all of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me";
and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are . . ." (Psychosis to be
filled in at the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five
minutes' notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such
time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return
compiled socks,sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys,
personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial
intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two
(72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's
friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering
the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom
performance included), and further consent to use one of the
following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what -
both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
The Physics of Hell:
A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question:
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If
they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls
moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member
of
their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that
in
order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of
the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attends his first baseball
game. After a base hit, he hears the fans roaring "Run... run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un yah
bahstard. R-r- run!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased
with his knowledge of the game, screams "r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run
will ya."
The next batter's count goes up to three and two. As the pitch
crosses past outside the plate, he holds his swing. The umpire calls
a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "r-r-r-un ya bahstard,
r-r-run!". All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down,
confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers "He
doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the
Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man!"
The (Future) Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner:
Nov 28, 1995:
Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last.
Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood.
Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which
is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power
lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs
off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used.
Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
Nov 30: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy
when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically
attached.
Dec 1: Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth
problems. The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on
the phone. They insist it's a problem with the cable company's
compression algorithms. How do they expect me to order things from
the Home Shopping Channel?
Dec 8: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly
surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the
washing machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading
one hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet
charges were through the roof on the invoice.
Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.
Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.
Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer
me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the
software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics
via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the
utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More
phone calls; more remote diag's.
Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network
had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open.
So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut
down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that
there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence
was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy
swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the
kitchen took over an hour.
Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for
help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified
when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of
wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer
concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That
means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels
by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be
fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning
into the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely
inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At
least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.
Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of
storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much
easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second
mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my
house now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep
getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the
dishwasher.
Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My
personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access
network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom
windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the
washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycle up
and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Through-
out the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode
from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security
sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen:
WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so
humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).
Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the
place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure
we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless,
the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call
themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty
bad" one he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get
PolterGeist. That one is really evil."
Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and
mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My
agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims
and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my
house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line
service. Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to
anticipate every virus that might be created.
We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!
Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special
holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for
the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to
meet the programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him.
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in
traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not
even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars
and he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold
up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict; he's all depressed. He's lying down in
the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline
and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the
Goldmans.
I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man said, "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"About three hundred gallons."
>From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" :
>> My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him
we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10
>> I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower. Age 11
>> When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5
>> I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry... I imagine that
the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water
for
some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets
more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was
a big fire and everyone died. Age 13
>> I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14
>> I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15
>> Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15
>> It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of
people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the
long weekends. Age 8
>> As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
days saved up. Age 7
>> Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. Age 10
>> Home is where the house is. Age 6
>> Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
>> It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
would be right there. Age 5
>> Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
>> The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who
think it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15
>> I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age
13
>> For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
>> Think of the biggest number you can... Now add five... Then,
imagine
if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! Age 6
>> The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
morally
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15
>> Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
right? Age 15
>> I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he
sucks. Age 15
>> I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I
show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found
many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I
get
a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We
spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 15
>> If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started. Age 15
Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled
up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under
each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom
snaps to a salute.
Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute.
My hands are full."
"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.
"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are
genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.
The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself
Sir!"
A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency
which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time.
He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife
he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife
on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is
upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is furious, and would
rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of,
so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill
both his wife and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that
under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover.
Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts
down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots,
the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes. The
maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks ``did you kill them?''.
``Yes'', she replies.
``What did you do with the bodies?''
``I threw them in the pool.'' ... pause... ``Pool? ... Uhh, is this
555-8234?''
Phrase: It has long been known
Translation: I haven't bothered to look up the reference
Phrase: It is believed
Translation: I think
Phrase: It is generally believed
Translation: A couple of other guys think so too
Phrase: It is not unreasonable to assume
Translation: I have no idea what it actually is and neither do you
Phrase: Of great theoretical importance
Translation: I find it kind of interesting
Phrase: Of great practical importance
Translation: I can get some mileage out of it
Phrase: Typical results are shown
Translation: The best results are shown
Phrase: 3 samples were chosen for further study
Translation: The others didn't make sense, we ignored them
Phrase: The 4 hours sample was not studied
Translation: I dropped it on the floor
Phrase: The 4 hour determination may not be significant
Translation: I dropped it on the floor, but scooped most of it up
Phrase: The significance of these results is unclear
Translation: Look at the pretty artifact
Phrase: It has not been possible to provide definitive answers
Translation: The experiment was negative, but at least I can publish the
data somewhere
Phrase: Correct within an order of magnitude
Translation: Wrong
Phrase: It might be argued that
Translation: I have such a good answer for that objection that I shall now
raise it
Phrase: Much additional work will be required
Translation: This paper is not very good, but neither are all the others in
this miserable field
Phrase: These investigations proved highly rewarding
Translation: My grant is going to be renewed
Phrase: I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for useful
discussions on the interpretation of the data
Translation: X did the experiment and Y explained it to me
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual
disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.The
chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when
the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies.
"If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day he'll pass
into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As
they turn to corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his
ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better
health plan."
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain
silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special
Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why doesn't Congress pass a law forcing monkeys at the zoo to wear dark
glasses so they can no longer hypnotize the innocent
Now that Boeing and MDA have got together will the MD11 be renamed the 711
for covenience.
What Democracy Means
Democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of
nationhood to those who built the nation.
Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't
grow up can be vice president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single
dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races,
colors & creeds.
Democracy is having time set aside to worship--18 years if you are Jim
Bakker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have,
to impress people you wish were dead.
Unlike communism - democracy does not mean having just one ineffective
political party; it means having two or more ineffective political parties.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to
hold onto--usually a mop or leaf blower.
It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die
owing the government a huge amount of money.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve and fighting
even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.
Democracy means never having the secret police show up at your door. Of
course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's
a tradeoff. Democracy means free television--not good television, but free.
Democracy means being able to pick up the phone and, within one minute, be
talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by
call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and God knows, we have
just about had the hell represented out of us.
Finally, democracy is the eagle on the nack of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows
in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its
head. All of which signifies that when white man came to this country, it was
bad luck for the indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife,
and lights out for the american eagle.
Top Ten Signs you Won't be Winning an Oscar
-------------------------------------------
10. Instead of "direct to video," your movie was released "direct to
landfill."
9. Film title includes the word "Booty" and/or "Call."
8. Did Quentin Tarantino direct your movie? No.
Did Quentin Tarantino star in your movie? Yes.
7. After he saw your film, Salman Rushdie called for your death.
6. In your movie, all of Sharon Stone's nude scenes are done by a
stand-in named Stu.
5. Every time you yelled "action" your lead actor started shaking
like a medicated bunny.
4. The name of the movie: "The People Vs. Larry King."
3. You're this guy (Video of Leonard Tepper laughing).
2. When reviewing your films, Siskel and Ebert use a different finger.
1. Your movie's ad line: "Richard Simmons IS Hamlet."
>>>Real Women Engineers:
>>>Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
>>>Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish; they just
never remove it.
>>>Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta release
schedule.
>>>Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but they lull
their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
>>>Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for Christmas, but
use them more than he does.
>>>Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to stop
them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
>>>Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest of
efficiency.
>>>Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles so they
can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
>>>Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box of
Tricuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at all times,
in case they pull an all nighter.
>>>Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
>>>Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so she can
take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while programming.
>>>Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Victoria's Secret because they
insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras before buying them.
>>>Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because its
gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement tools in their
science kits.
>>>Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
>>>Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the same
time.
>>>Real Engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.
>>>Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when doing
counted cross stitch.
>>>Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even
during labor.
>>>Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up on
biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking the PE exam.
>>>Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
>>>Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.
>>>Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between
contractions.
>>>Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide
documentation on how to cut them!)
>>>Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to, but they
can't!
>A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through
>the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not
>happy.
>
> "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
> "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
> "Bullshit! There's no such place!"
> Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden
floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
>
>The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks
>the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
>She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
> "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone."
>