Sample Exam Questions
=====================
Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer langugae. Using
this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this
exam for you.
History: Describe the history of the papacy from its originas to the
present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic,
religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and
Africa. Be brief can concise, yet specific.
Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and
given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system
has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the
problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't
suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are
storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language
except Latrin, Hebrew, or Greek.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with
special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English
parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and
building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build
a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform
are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.
Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a
clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations
of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and
Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each
man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to
translate.
Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at
your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are
two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the
wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as
soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We
feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be
associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test
your theory.
Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction
manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal
tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions.
Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have
done to prevent the Great Depression.
Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a
straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations
had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.
Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook
paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should
be true to life.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science.
Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after
death. Test your hypothesis.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific.
Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.
It was Christmas time. Everybody was feeling merry.
So Mary got angry and she left.
SHIT HAPPENS
in various world religions
----------------------------
Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism: I've seen this shit before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Episcopalianism:
If shit happens, hold a procession.
Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
Charismatic Catholicism:
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
anyway.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any shit.
Nation of Islam:
Don't take no shit!
New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.
Jehovah's Witnesses:
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Secular Humanism:
Shit evolves.
Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
Christian Science:
When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit in in your mind.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit.
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
to taste it.
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's
shit.
Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so
I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it.
Excrement happens (you can't say shit in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit over here!
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...
Energizer Bunny:
Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...
Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.
Southern Baptist:
Shit will happen. Praise the lord.
Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit!
Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop
happening.
Unitarianism: What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.
EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible.
Shit happens, but don't publish it.
Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.
Amish: Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?
Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen
Scientology: All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
Sikhism: Leave our shit alone
Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.
Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
===============================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
in other various ways
-----------------------
Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.
Environmentalism:
Shit is biodegradable.
Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Quantum Shittydynamics:
Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
Einsteinism: Shit is Relative.
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
Relatives are Shit.
Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...
Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything
about it.
Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Bush: Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Martin Luther King:
Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
John Paul Jones:
I have not yet begun to shit.
James Tiberius Kirk:
... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
Computer Science:
There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
Macintosh: (Enough said)
UNIX/C: A core dump... Shit!
IBM/DOS: It's shit, but at least it's compatible.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit
is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.
Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
Denialism: What shit?
Purists: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
Procrastinationism:
I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.
Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Surrealism: Fish!
Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.
Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!
Fetishism: I love when shit happens.
Masochism: Do shit to me!
Sadism: I will shit on you!
Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.
===============================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
according to the Philospohers
-------------------------------
Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...
Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out
of life.
Sartre: Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?
===============================================================================
SHIT HAPPENS
in various professions
------------------------
Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...
Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist (Theoretical):
Shit SHOULD happen.
Physicist (Experimental):
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Biologist: Is this shit alive?
Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
this shit.
Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form
XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy
Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!
Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please...
Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
its subconscious shittiness.
Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist:
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, there will never again be shit.
Shit is bad for the economy.
Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
Musician: This shit is out of tune.
Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
Quality Control Inspector:
This shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss: Rub the shit out.
NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
===============================================================================
THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS
for Sanitation Engineers
------------------------
0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.
KEEP SHOVELING!!
February 18, 1994
ADMINISTRATION
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom
under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip
Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of
accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal
treatment of all employees.
Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each
employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given
twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.
Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are
being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-
linked voice printk recognition devices. Before the end of the month
each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and
one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print
recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during
the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the
stations during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to
the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first
of the next month. In additin, all restroom stalls are being equipped
with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more
than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirthy-seconds after the
alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toliet
will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains
occupied your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the
Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times
will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about
this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received
advanced instructions.
Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in
the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule
the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up
when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the
stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who
understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation
is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say
as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate
or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of
the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only
be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside
of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are
replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction, and theat any customer missing his balls should
suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify the following:
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
A Visit from a Silicon Impostor
A few weeks before Christmas,
One Nine Ninety-Four,
The whole world was stirring with outrage galore.
The shockings related to gross lack of care
Whether all had the margin of error to spare.
Small companies nestled all snug in their pride
That their vision of equal respect had applied.
And papa with the trackball (I, saving my wrist)
Had just settled our brains for a game-maybe Myst.
When out on the net, in the press, such a clatter
And chatter arose! Here is what was the matter:
Away to the window I flew to find out
What Tom Nicely's discovery was all about.
Those ads on the TV and ads in the mags
Gave the luster of payday to all of their brags
When what to my wondering eye it appears
That the floating point error "news" is in arrears.
The error is bad. The arrears part is sick,
So I knew in a moment it wasn't Saint Nick!
More rapid than eagles, supporters they came.
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
On PB, on Gateway, on Tandy and Acer,
On Compaq, on Stupid, on Dell and Fujitsu
To the top of the boards to the top of The Wall
Now stash away, stash away, stash away all!
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle reach to the sky
So up to the analysts his coarsers flew.
It remains to be seen what they further will do.
And then in a moment I heard in the snow
The prancing and pawing of each CEO.
As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney this chipmaker came with a bound.
He was dressed all in gold from his head to his foot,
Reputation all tarnished with greedy pursuit
He had a broad grin like an open ellipse
And a confident stance poised to shoot from both hips
With a wink of an eye and a shake of his head
He tried vainly to say I had nothing to dread.
With arrogant zeal he went straight to his work
To fill the stock holdings, then rose, (what a jerk)
And laying a finger aside of his nose
As much as to say, "You don't count." Then he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like the cone of a missile
But I'm here to exclaim, if Intel is inside,
Happy Christmas to you,
Just don't try to divide!
Pat McCornack
"Star Trek Lost Episodes"
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts
at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
"
"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
"Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin
consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a
new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
able
to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability
will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions."
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . .
"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in
the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and
CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
their
is something we have missed."
"Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.
"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity
has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
"Data, what does your scanners show?"
"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows'
module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
"Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce
their functionality."
. . . . Two Hours Pass . . . .
"Geordi whats the status on the Borg?"
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time
they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something
called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
"How much time will that buy us ?"
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an
interest time span of 6 more hours."
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
"Identify."
"It appears to have markings very similar to the
'Microsoft'
logo"
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
"Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight
toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive
the
tortures of deep space ?!"
"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will
look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather
briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"
"Lawyers !!"
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
"True, but appearently some must have survived."
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it
with
all types of papers."
"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'
it
often proves fatal."
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even
the Borg deserve that."
WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
* Bicycles don't get pregnant.
* You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
* Bicycles don't have parents.
* Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
* When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
* Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
* You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle"
unless you go out to buy one yourself.
* If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
* If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
* If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics
with it.
* You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before
you ride it again.
* You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
* You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't
get frustrated.
* Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump
it.
* Bicycles don't get headaches.
* Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
* Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care if you're late.
* You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
* If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
* You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to
take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
* The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a
decent helmet.
* When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had
the last time you were on your Bicycle.
WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN MEN!
(Heard the old joke? -- A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!)
* Bicycles don't work late.
* Your Bicycle stays as clean as you want it to.
* Bicycles don't have parents or kids.
* Bicycles don't get sick.
* Bicycles don't get overweight, except as per your convenience.
* If your Bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
* If your Bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
* You can check out the guy who works on your Bicycle.
* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before
you ride it again.
* Your Bicycle always has time for you.
* Bicycles don't complain and don't ride away from you when the road gets
rough.
* Bicycles don't watch TV.
* Bicycles don't shave.
* Bicycles don't snore.
* Bicycles don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.
* Bicycles are better protection in a bad neighborhood.
* If you don't like the size of your bicycle you can get a new one.
* You can try out as many bikes as you like before you get your own.
* You don't have to feed your bicycle.
* Bicycles never argue, you are always right.
* Bicycles never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
* Bicycles never try to show you off to their friends.
* Bicycles don't come home drunk after a night out with its buddies.
* Bicycles don't sneak around with other bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care what you look like or what your age is.
* Bicycles don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.
* Bicycles don't care if you have to work late.
* When you go riding, your bicycle doesn't care if other bicycles are bigger or
better.
* Bicycles don't care about their performance.
* Bicycles don't get you pregnant.
* Bicycles don't have mothers.
* When you've finished a ride, you can get off.
* You don't have to praise a bike after a ride.
* Bicycles don't sulk.
* Bicycles don't bore you.
* Bicycles don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting riders.
* Bicycles don't have to prove anything.
* Bicycles don't try to change you once you've bought them.
* Bicycles don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
* Bicycles never interrogate you.
* Bicycles don't fart in bed [or elsewhere!].
* Bicycles don't leave smelly inner tubes lying around on the floor.
* Second hand bikes don't brag about previous owners.
* Second hand bikes don't go to see previous owners for a ride when you're
out of town.
* You don't have to explain to a bike if you don't feel like a ride.
* Bicycles never put you down.
* Bicycles don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.
* Bicycles don't have egos.
* Bicycles don't refuse to ask for directions when they're lost.
* Bicycles don't need remote control units.
* When you're lost you don't have to argue with it about stopping for
directions.
* When it's going too fast into a curve you can slow it down.
* When you need someone to ride with it's happy to go.
* You buy the tools it needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used.
* You don't have to explain to it the need for matching jersey and shorts.
* You don't have to continually assure it that its crank length is just right.
* You determine the length and frequency of the rides, and you're always on
top.
* It never finishes before you do.
* It doesn't complain about you going out to dinner with your women friends
rather than staying at home with it.
* You never get helpful suggestions from its mother.
* It will ride with you even on Super Bowl Sunday.
* It never complains if you put on a few pounds.
* When its dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and know that it
can be fixed).
* If you decide to get a new bicycle you don't have to give up more than
half of everything you have.
* It will never earn more that you do for the same job just because it's a
bicycle.
* It never spends a "night out with the bikes" and comes home with a
strange rash on its saddle.
* It will never turn into a beer bellied blob of metal on the couch in
front of the TV.
> > 11 REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS:
> >
> > 1) Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be
> > devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have
> > it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are
> > wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think
> > it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still,
> > many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
> >
> > 2) It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
> > to get any real work done.
> >
> > 3) In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
> > considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
> > that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it
> > for fun most of the time.
> >
> > 4) Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
> > would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
> >
> > 5) It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
> > interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard
> > to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
> >
> > 6) If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
> > viruses.
> >
> > 7) It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
> > much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
> >
> > 8) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
> > and influence warrant.
> >
> > 9) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
> > trouble.
> >
> > 10) It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your
> > intentions, it
> > will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I
> > do that?"
> >
> > 11) It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
> > just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are
expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of
their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with
a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the
tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away
and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass
on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns
is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve
her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I
want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"
What goes black and yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow....
A fake blonde doing cartwheels.....
Why do some blondes have bruised belly-buttons?
Some blonde guys are dumb too!
> College Seniors vs. Freshmen
>
> Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
> Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
>
> Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
> Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to
>attend.
>
> Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
> Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a
> recitation class.
>
> Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
> Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
>
> Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
> Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
>
> Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
> Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
>
> Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
> Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
>
> Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
> Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a
>box
> of pop tarts in hand.
>
> Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
> Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
>
> Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
> Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the
>street.
>
> Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
> Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
>
> Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first
>week.
> Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
>
> Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
> Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
>
> Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
> Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis
>midterm
>
> Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
> Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
>
> Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
> Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the
>summer
>
> Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional
> questions
> Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...
>
> Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto
>campus
> Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
>
> Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits
>him,
> the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the
>chance to
> expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to
>society
> Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
>
> Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
> Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
>
>
>
>Dating Rules For College
>
> 1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual
> tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means
> somebody's horny.
>
> 2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and
> "you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE
> cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
>
> 3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true
> love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
>
> 4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses
> you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing
> as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of
> lot more that a kiss goodnight.
>
> 5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their
> feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed
> you
> they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
>
> 6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In
> college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
>
> 7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In
> college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by.
> Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
>
> 8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college,
> cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish
> last.
>
> 9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it
> happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each
> others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEST ONE OF THE
> PARTNERS!
>
> 10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe,
> woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha,
> Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jeff, Gretchen, Andi...
>
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft..
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter.
Peace, Love, Happiness
-ALWAYS-
Katko
***Stefan and Grandpa: Stefan and his grandfather are fishing.
Granddad
pulls out a beer
and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of
those?" Grandpa says
"Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To
which the little
boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
A while
later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
have
one of
those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your
asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
Later on,
Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
each buy a
lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I
just won
$50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me,
right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch
your
asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself"
------------------------
***
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes
off
her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark
on
your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard
and
he's
so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even
when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl
comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y"
on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes
off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of
days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her
blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at
Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin.
Why do you ask?"
*** A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his
rifle.
He
goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The
clerk
takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good,
you
can see
my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look
through the
scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see
a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the
man
replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets,
I'll
give you this
scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my
wife's head off and
shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look
through the scope,
and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with
one shot!"
***Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first
says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a pair of
stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a condom in his
wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third
woman fainted.
***One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch.
Not
finding
his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs
to
check
her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his
father, who had also come
home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his
mother, also naked, heavily
into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to
traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was
wrong.
Billy
watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb
on
and
have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on
and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning
and writhing
wildly.
"Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman
usually
fall off!"
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being
sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send
you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly
Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've
never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want
to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said,
"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your
decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see
heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing
harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think
I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured
by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This
is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't
believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the
beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
ANGRY IN THE SKY:
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder He yanked up to
Heaven three influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill
Gates.
"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."
With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad
news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God.
The bad news is, He's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news
and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God
after all. The worse news is He's mad and is going to end the world in a
week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have
good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one
of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better
news is we don't have to fix WINDOWS 95."
RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male
repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their
business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing
article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in
the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance
cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never
study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans
for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank
robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't
followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead
of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no
longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want
to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his
mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to
plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of
the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She
hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another
teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next
in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities
arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the
back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on
an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in
East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the
robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried
to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house,
where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a
note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope."
The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them
and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury
ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.
Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer
picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a
diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.
They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida
who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They
drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the
teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in
the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs,
stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark
points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in
San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot
himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the
hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had
no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979,
for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the
bank holdups reported.
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
building
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the
window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and
open
an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like
to
meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of
money
involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request
and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills
which
amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's
secretary
to obtain an appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know
the
people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank
president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of
money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied.
He was quiet for some time, trying to think of where this elderly
woman
could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated.
"As in horses?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained
that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she
said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your
balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take
her up on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of
the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening
and
take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make
sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal
appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work
and
waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he
went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get
handed
$25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With
her
was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was
doing in
the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she
always took him along when there was that much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as
I've always been, only $25,000 richer!"
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request
considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him.
Sure
enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing
across the
room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he
inquired.
"Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this
morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
SEASON'S GREETINGS !
*************************
* MONEY'S SHORT *
* TIMES ARE HARD *
* HERE'S YOUR FUCKING *
* CRISTMAS CARD ! *
*************************
Twas the night before christmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt shity
Even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
Had just settled down
For a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The fucker had fell.
He filled all ous stockings
With pretzers and beer
And a big rubber dick
For my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a hell of a night!
AN ENGINEER'S VIEW OF SANTA CLAUS:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get
back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each
of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per
household, a total trip of 71.604 million miles, not counting stops to
do
what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles
per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2
pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see
point #1) could pull TEN TIMES
the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We
need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting
the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison -
this
is
four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times
greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back
of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
Ho-Ho-Ho, Merry #$&*%@ Christmas!!
These two guys are in the wild west of the US about 150 years ago.
They walk into a bar and they see a sign which says "WE PAY $100 FOR
INDIAN SCALPS". So Charles turns to Edgar and says "hey look that's
easy money old chap, let us find us some natives." So the two of them
go out, find two indians, scalp them and duly get their their $100.
That night they sleep in a tent on the edge of town. The next morning
Charles wakes up and sticks his head out of the tent and he sees
20,000 indians standing in a circle around them. He quickly gets back
into the tent and shouts excitedly: "Edgar, we're rich we're rich!"
-Have you ever had sex in three?
-No. Why?
-If you run quickly home, you still have a chance to.
A Final Visit From Saint Nicholas
_________________________________
'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet
seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not
be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not
the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And
which waiter are you tipping anyway? I think next time I go to a
restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays
the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No
animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for?
Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various
important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to
plants? Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded
every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what
we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't
you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"?
It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone
companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when
you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go
the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that
the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me?
No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those
idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the
person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to
move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination?
"Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer,
I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry
detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out?
Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even
get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads?
All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of
advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And
look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you
need it!" I think not.
These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:
Grand Prize Winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and
when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered
side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above
the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed
monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Runners-up:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the
pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it out.
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use
acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Honorable Mentions:
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the
world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to
spin on its axis.
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is
that it's easier to go faster when you're always going
downhill.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is
constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you
going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct
black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".
The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers
have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and a recent 'Car Talk Puzzler'
was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly
favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of
all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again.
The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at
the French in defiance.
The puzzler was: What was this body part? This is the answer
submitted by a listener:
Dear Click and Clack,
Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some
profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional
symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the
English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without
which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This
famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act
of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". Thus, when the
victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French,
they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like
"pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for
the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew all thought yew knew everything!
1. A good place to meet a man is at a dry cleaners. These men usually
have jobs and bathe.
2. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
3. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when
he watches sports on TV, he thinks if he concentrates, he can help his
team. If his team is in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case
they call him.
4. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyche.
5. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.
6. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
7. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that
is a combination address book, telescope, and piano.
8. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General
Schwarzkopf.
9. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire, and
the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
10. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen
a man walk into a party and say, "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed; get
me out of here. There is another man wearing the same suit!".
11. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
12. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
13. When four or more women get together they talk about men.
14. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
15. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the
movie, "The Way We Were" twice voluntarily.
16. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
17. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with
superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.
18. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That is why men
need instant replay in sports. They have already forgotten what
happened.
19 When a women tries on clothes from her closet that feel tight, she
assumes she has gained weight. When a man tries on something from his
closet that feels tight, he assumes his clothes shrank.
20. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -
you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
What "PhD" really stands for:
* Patiently hoping for a Degree
* Piled higher and Deeper (after BS = Bullsh..., MS = More of the Same...)
* Professorship? hah! Dream on!
* Please hire. Desperate.
* Physiologically Deficient
* Pour him (or her) a Drink****
* Philosophically Disturbed
* Pathetically hopeless Dweeb
* Probably heavily in Debt
* Parents have Doubts
* Professors had Doubts
* Pheromone Deprived
* Probably hard to Describe
* Patiently headed Downhill...
* Permanent head Damage
* Pulsating heaving Disaster?
* Pretty homely Dork
* Potential heavy Drinker
* Professional hamburger Dispenser... "Would you like fries with that?"
* Post hole Digger
* Professional hair Dresser
* Piano hauling Drone
* Pizza hut Driver
* Pretty heavy Diploma
* Phinally done !!
NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA
-------------------------------------------------
Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics ("Ebony" + "Phonics")
Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics
Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
French-American Speak -- Cornichonics (or Escargonics)
Oakland-School-Board Speak -- Moronics
Why Dogs are Better than Women
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late. (The later you
are, the more excited they are to see you.)
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
You can trade an old dog in for a new one.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher or Barbara Streisand album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after having pups.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
You can send a dog to obedience school.
Dogs are trainable.
It's legal to discipline your dog.
Dogs will fetch you things.
Dogs are man's best friend.
Dogs are happy with very little.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs are an inexpensive luxury.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever owned.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet,
desk and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs prefer a hamburger over a lobster dinner.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Dogs love you unconditionally.
How Dogs and Women are Alike
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you
say.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
How Women are Better than Dogs
It is socially acceptable to have sex with a woman.
Women leave the room to fart.
Though they have only two, women's breasts are far more interesting.
>>
>> >
>> > A man walks into a local bar that he has been going to for years. He sits
>> > down and orders a Seven Up from the bartender. The bartender replies:
>> > George, you've been coming here for years, and you always drink whiskey,
>> > whats with the Seven Up? George replies: After last night, I'm quitting
>> > alcohol.
>> >
>> > Bartender: What happened last night?
>> >
>> > George: I drank way too many whiskey's, and when I got home, I started
>> > blowing chunks.
>> >
>> > Bartender: Hey, there's nothing wrong with that, I throw up from drinking
>> > all the time.
>> >
>> > George: You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!!
>> >
>> >
>>
>
>
>>>There's a new commander of a French Foreign Legion base, and the
>>>captain
>>>is showing him around the various buildings. After he's made the
>>>rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute.
>>>You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that
>>>used for?" The captain replies, "Well sir, you see, there are no
>>>women
>>>around here. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman they go in
>>>there
>>>and use the camel." Taken aback, the commander says, "Enough!", and
>>>turns away in disgust.
>>>
>>>Two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a
>>>woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something Captain,"
>>>then he lowers his voice, glances around and asks, "Is the camel free
>>>anytime soon?" the captain replies, "Well, let me see." He opens his
>>>book and says, "Why yes, sir the camel is free tomorrow at 1400
>>>hours."
>>>The commander syas, "Put me down for 1400."
>>>
>>>So the next day at two o'clock the commander trots over the small blue
>>>building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel
>>>he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he
>>>closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the
>>>camel's butt. He climbs up on the stool, drops his pants, and
>>>proceeds
>>>to screw the living hell out of the poor beast. A minute later the
>>>captain walks in and says, "Ahem... begging your pardon sir, but
>>>wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like
>>>all the other men?
>>>
>>
>>
>> > > A NUN'S TALE
>> > >
>> > > A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small,
>> > >> high, voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"
>> > >> In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation,
>> > >> "Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?"
>> > >> The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?"
>> > >> The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you
>> > >> never think about doin' it?"
>> > >> The nun replies, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed
>> > my
>> > >> mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand."
>> > >> The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?"
>> > >> The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very
>> > >> unique circumstance, I might consider it.
>> > >> The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"
>> > >> The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well
>> > >> certainly, he could have no children."
>> > >> The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all
>> > three.
>> > >> Why do youse come on up here...I won't even make you really break
>> > your
>> > >> vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."
>> > >> The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where
>> > anyone
>> > >> would recognize her....at the next light she gets into the front with
>> > the
>> > >> driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of
>> > the
>> > >> cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in,
>> > the
>> > nun
>> > >> hears the cabbie begin to laugh.
>> > >> The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?"
>> > >> The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married,
>> > >> and I got four kids.
>> > >> And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response,
>> > >> "Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>
Date: 2/7/97
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Here's an example--
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22011
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22011
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm# theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two
and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a
radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six
and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient
eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor
#1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant
agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any
temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a
period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order
rate expression (see JACOS, 21,55), or until golden brown. Once the
reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,
allowing the produce to come to equilibrium.
________
O.J. Aftermath: "The lawyers are under a temporary gag order,"
says Jay Leno. "See, personally, I am against temporary gag
orders. They should be permanent gag orders so we never have
to hear from these people ever again."
* "The O.J. Simpson jury has sent the world a message,"
says Bill Maher. "If you kill someone in L.A., you are
looking at a very stiff fine."
* "The $8.5 million paints a grim financial picture for O.J.
To raise that kind of cash, 'The Naked Gun' would have to
gross $1.7 trillion." (Bob Mills)
* "O.J. will be left one set of golf clubs so he can continue
his quest for the real killer." (Gary Easley)
"President Clinton is trying to decide where he wants to put
his presidential library, but there could be a major problem.
How do you have a presidential library when you've shredded
all your documents?" (Leno)
Those Busy Archeologists: "A British archeologist has found globs
of flavored tar that was chewed and spat out by a prehistoric
man," says Jenny Church. "It's the first fossil evidence of
major league baseball."
Our Government: "President Clinton spoke. And then a guy came on
and gave the Democratic response." (Maher)
Capitol Beat: The president delivered his State of the Union
address Tuesday. "President Clinton told Congress he needs its
help in the war on corruption. The anti-corruption side is
gaining on them." (Argus Hamilton)
* "The speech was good, but those Indonesian subtitles
got annoying," observes Alex Pearlstein.
In the News: "Today is National Weatherperson's Day.
There's a 20% chance no one will care." (BBS Briefs)
Action star Steven Seagal will travel with the Dalai Lama to
Taiwan. "The Tibetan leader plans to teach Seagal the road
to spiritual enlightenment and Seagal will teach the Dalai
Lama how to disembowel an intruder with a shrimp fork."
(Premiere Morning Sickness)
"Star Wars" has grossed $36 million. "After 20 years a whole
new generation was introduced to the phrase ' "Star Wars"
action figures sold separately.' " (Olympia Daily World)
People magazine reports that one of the main characters on
"Melrose Place" will die of a brain tumor. "What is it
gonna grow on?" asks Leno.
Ecology Watch: The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has
nominated the 5-inch bog turtle to the endangered
species list. "Approval is expected to move very slowly,
but steadily, through Congress." (Jerry Perisho)
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break.
1st surgeon says:
"Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says:
"Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."
3rd responds:
"Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
4th intercedes:
"I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their
heads and their butts are interchangeable."
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the
conversation while sipping from a bottle of Jack Daniels (as all
surgeons do between operations), says:
"I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end."
Cultural Differences Explained
==============================
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic
to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American
channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there
watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing
baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it
"English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they
say
in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Although happy, Adam felt that he was missing something in the Garden
of Eden. "You are lonely," said God. "I will make you a companion.
A woman." Adam looked puzzled and asked, "What's a 'woman', God?"
"Ahhhh," began God. "Eyes so beautiful they reach the soul. Hair
that blows with the wind. Skin soft to the caress. A curvaceous body
the likes of which creation has never seen. All this and more."
"There's more?" asked Adam, excitedly.
"Yes," replied God. "Woman will pleasure you in ways you never
dreamed possible. She will comfort you, attend to your needs. She
will fill your mornings with pleasure and your evenings with ecstasy."
Knowing that God was a shrewd businessman, Adam asked God what this
was going to cost him. "It's going to cost you you're right ear, your
right eye, your right arm, and your right testicle," was God's answer.
Well, Adam thought on that for a moment and then said, "What can I get
for a rib?"
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her)
being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the
following with the party of the second part (herein referred
to as he/him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the first date or match up),
each party agrees to fully disclose any current
girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious
beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political
affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone
else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party
agrees to make known any deep-seated
mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical
obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure
to make these disclosures will result in the immediate
termination of said relationship before it has a chance to
get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold
the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred
to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up"
turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For
definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story",
available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of
Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in
Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon
Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal
Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship
proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree
to use the following terminology in describing their said
"dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties
consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies
nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the
first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing
somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an
item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the
"first date" either member may elect to use the terms
"girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances
may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are
the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old
ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further,
if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be
accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and
disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the
relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may
once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both
parties agree not to ask questions about the others
whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday
periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be
made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on
the other's time. Following the first six weeks or
forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing
in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees
to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both
members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the
other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A
minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the
two parties during the working day, and each party will
attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone
calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates
will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance;
there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to
console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to
strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each
member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one
spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery
of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following
the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to
their normal personalities .
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross
income aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners,
clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the
bedroom, which are subject to the availability of
discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I
bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said
relationship progress to the point where the couple spends
more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be
made to split the time between their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to
silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at
7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself"
while in residence at her apartment, including washing his
whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household
duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right
to keep his apartment "a mess".) (Especially since we tend
to excel in this area!)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each
member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in
the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together,"
"Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic
terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party
agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's
right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties
agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love
plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular
pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party
to abide by this rule will result in the other party using
the "G" word . . . "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be
grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of
said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used
to do that same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other
member should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
thinks you are..."
and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of
the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof) .
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each
party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by
using one or all of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me";
and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are . . ." (Psychosis to be
filled in at the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five
minutes' notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such
time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return
compiled socks,sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys,
personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial
intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two
(72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's
friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering
the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom
performance included), and further consent to use one of the
following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what -
both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
The Physics of Hell:
A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question:
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If
they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls
moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member
of
their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that
in
order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of
the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attends his first baseball
game. After a base hit, he hears the fans roaring "Run... run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un yah
bahstard. R-r- run!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased
with his knowledge of the game, screams "r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run
will ya."
The next batter's count goes up to three and two. As the pitch
crosses past outside the plate, he holds his swing. The umpire calls
a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "r-r-r-un ya bahstard,
r-r-run!". All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down,
confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers "He
doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the
Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man!"
The (Future) Diary of a Mad Digital Homeowner:
Nov 28, 1995:
Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last.
Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood.
Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which
is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power
lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs
off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used.
Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
Nov 30: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy
when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically
attached.
Dec 1: Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth
problems. The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on
the phone. They insist it's a problem with the cable company's
compression algorithms. How do they expect me to order things from
the Home Shopping Channel?
Dec 8: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly
surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the
washing machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading
one hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet
charges were through the roof on the invoice.
Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.
Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.
Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer
me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the
software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics
via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the
utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More
phone calls; more remote diag's.
Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network
had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open.
So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut
down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that
there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence
was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy
swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the
kitchen took over an hour.
Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for
help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified
when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of
wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer
concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That
means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels
by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be
fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning
into the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely
inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At
least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.
Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of
storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much
easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second
mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my
house now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep
getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the
dishwasher.
Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My
personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access
network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom
windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the
washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycle up
and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Through-
out the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode
from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security
sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen:
WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so
humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).
Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the
place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure
we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless,
the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call
themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty
bad" one he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get
PolterGeist. That one is really evil."
Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and
mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My
agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims
and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my
house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line
service. Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to
anticipate every virus that might be created.
We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!
Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special
holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for
the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to
meet the programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him.
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in
traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not
even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars
and he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold
up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict; he's all depressed. He's lying down in
the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline
and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the
Goldmans.
I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man said, "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"About three hundred gallons."
>From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" :
>> My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him
we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10
>> I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower. Age 11
>> When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5
>> I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry... I imagine that
the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water
for
some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets
more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was
a big fire and everyone died. Age 13
>> I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14
>> I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15
>> Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15
>> It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of
people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the
long weekends. Age 8
>> As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
days saved up. Age 7
>> Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. Age 10
>> Home is where the house is. Age 6
>> Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
>> It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
would be right there. Age 5
>> Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
>> The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who
think it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15
>> I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age
13
>> For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
>> Think of the biggest number you can... Now add five... Then,
imagine
if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! Age 6
>> The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
morally
wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15
>> Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
right? Age 15
>> I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he
sucks. Age 15
>> I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I
show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found
many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I
get
a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We
spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 15
>> If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started. Age 15
Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled
up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under
each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom
snaps to a salute.
Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute.
My hands are full."
"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.
"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are
genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.
The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself
Sir!"
A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency
which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time.
He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife
he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife
on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is
upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is furious, and would
rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of,
so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill
both his wife and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that
under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover.
Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts
down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots,
the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes. The
maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks ``did you kill them?''.
``Yes'', she replies.
``What did you do with the bodies?''
``I threw them in the pool.'' ... pause... ``Pool? ... Uhh, is this
555-8234?''
Phrase: It has long been known
Translation: I haven't bothered to look up the reference
Phrase: It is believed
Translation: I think
Phrase: It is generally believed
Translation: A couple of other guys think so too
Phrase: It is not unreasonable to assume
Translation: I have no idea what it actually is and neither do you
Phrase: Of great theoretical importance
Translation: I find it kind of interesting
Phrase: Of great practical importance
Translation: I can get some mileage out of it
Phrase: Typical results are shown
Translation: The best results are shown
Phrase: 3 samples were chosen for further study
Translation: The others didn't make sense, we ignored them
Phrase: The 4 hours sample was not studied
Translation: I dropped it on the floor
Phrase: The 4 hour determination may not be significant
Translation: I dropped it on the floor, but scooped most of it up
Phrase: The significance of these results is unclear
Translation: Look at the pretty artifact
Phrase: It has not been possible to provide definitive answers
Translation: The experiment was negative, but at least I can publish the
data somewhere
Phrase: Correct within an order of magnitude
Translation: Wrong
Phrase: It might be argued that
Translation: I have such a good answer for that objection that I shall now
raise it
Phrase: Much additional work will be required
Translation: This paper is not very good, but neither are all the others in
this miserable field
Phrase: These investigations proved highly rewarding
Translation: My grant is going to be renewed
Phrase: I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for useful
discussions on the interpretation of the data
Translation: X did the experiment and Y explained it to me
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual
disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.The
chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when
the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies.
"If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day he'll pass
into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As
they turn to corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his
ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better
health plan."
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain
silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special
Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why doesn't Congress pass a law forcing monkeys at the zoo to wear dark
glasses so they can no longer hypnotize the innocent
Now that Boeing and MDA have got together will the MD11 be renamed the 711
for covenience.
What Democracy Means
Democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of
nationhood to those who built the nation.
Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't
grow up can be vice president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single
dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races,
colors & creeds.
Democracy is having time set aside to worship--18 years if you are Jim
Bakker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have,
to impress people you wish were dead.
Unlike communism - democracy does not mean having just one ineffective
political party; it means having two or more ineffective political parties.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to
hold onto--usually a mop or leaf blower.
It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die
owing the government a huge amount of money.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve and fighting
even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.
Democracy means never having the secret police show up at your door. Of
course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's
a tradeoff. Democracy means free television--not good television, but free.
Democracy means being able to pick up the phone and, within one minute, be
talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by
call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and God knows, we have
just about had the hell represented out of us.
Finally, democracy is the eagle on the nack of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows
in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its
head. All of which signifies that when white man came to this country, it was
bad luck for the indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife,
and lights out for the american eagle.
Top Ten Signs you Won't be Winning an Oscar
-------------------------------------------
10. Instead of "direct to video," your movie was released "direct to
landfill."
9. Film title includes the word "Booty" and/or "Call."
8. Did Quentin Tarantino direct your movie? No.
Did Quentin Tarantino star in your movie? Yes.
7. After he saw your film, Salman Rushdie called for your death.
6. In your movie, all of Sharon Stone's nude scenes are done by a
stand-in named Stu.
5. Every time you yelled "action" your lead actor started shaking
like a medicated bunny.
4. The name of the movie: "The People Vs. Larry King."
3. You're this guy (Video of Leonard Tepper laughing).
2. When reviewing your films, Siskel and Ebert use a different finger.
1. Your movie's ad line: "Richard Simmons IS Hamlet."
>>>Real Women Engineers:
>>>Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
>>>Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish; they just
never remove it.
>>>Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta release
schedule.
>>>Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but they lull
their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
>>>Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for Christmas, but
use them more than he does.
>>>Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to stop
them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
>>>Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest of
efficiency.
>>>Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles so they
can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
>>>Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box of
Tricuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at all times,
in case they pull an all nighter.
>>>Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
>>>Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so she can
take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while programming.
>>>Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Victoria's Secret because they
insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras before buying them.
>>>Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because its
gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement tools in their
science kits.
>>>Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
>>>Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the same
time.
>>>Real Engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.
>>>Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when doing
counted cross stitch.
>>>Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even
during labor.
>>>Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up on
biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking the PE exam.
>>>Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
>>>Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.
>>>Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between
contractions.
>>>Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide
documentation on how to cut them!)
>>>Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to, but they
can't!
>A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through
>the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not
>happy.
>
> "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
> "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
> "Bullshit! There's no such place!"
> Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden
floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
>
>The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks
>the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
>She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
> "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone."
> "Yes it is," bartender answers.
> "Do you have huge golden doors?"
> "Sure do."
> "Do you have golden floors?"
> "Most certainly do."
> "What about golden urinals?"
> There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
> "Hey,Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"
25 THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS
> ------------------------------------------------
>
> 1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
> 2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
> 3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
> 4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
> 5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
> 6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
> 7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
> 8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
> 9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
>10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
>11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
>12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
>13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
>14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
>15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
>16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
>17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
>blame.
>18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
>19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
>20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
>21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
>22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
>23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
>24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes
>it.
>25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
> realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
>
>
>
>
>
> > >
> > > A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with
a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read,
write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly
stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or
fornication!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a
white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to
talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet
here a black woman gives birth to a white child.
> > > You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It
doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary
replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here
is a natural occurance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder
field.
> > > See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one.
> > > Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says
"Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything
about the white child".
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently
on the door. When the owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could
you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for
people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go
around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If
you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door.
The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will
bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think
you should know. It's not a Porche. It's a BMW."
Please engage brain before speaking....
>
>=================================
>
>Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all
those flies and death and stuff.
> -- Mariah Carey
>
>>Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
>Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because
if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
> -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
>
>>Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other
similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
> -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
>
>>I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
> -- David Dinkins, NYC Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.
>
>Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life.
> -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking campaign
>
>>I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
> -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
>
>>Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country.
> -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
>
>The streets are safe in Philadelphia.. It's only the people who make them
unsafe.
> -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
>
>After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele
to the post.
> -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island
> >This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.
> >He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds
one.
> >
> >"Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the removal service guy asks.
> >"Boy," is the man's response.
> >
> >"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there."
> >
> >An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a dog, a shotgun, and
a
> >pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.
> >
> >"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick
until
> >he falls. When he does, the trained dog will bite the gorilla's testicles
off.
> >The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to
> >put the handcuffs on."
> >
> >The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
> >
> >"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."
> >
For decades, two heroic nude statues, one male and one female, faced
each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from
heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life
for thirty minutes, in which time you can do anything you want." And
with a clap of the hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue
and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll
shit on its head."
Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.
Peter
tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple
question.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What is Easter?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."
"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same
question, "What is Easter?"
The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disqust, looks at
the third man and asks, "What is Easter?"
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides
with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were
eating at the last supper and he was later deceived and turned over to the
Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified,he
was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on
a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large
bolder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come
out, and if he sees his shadow there will be 6 more weeks of winter.
Insurance Claims
================
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS
ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE
WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT
WRITING CAN BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.
o Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
o The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
o I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
through it.
o I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
o A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.
o I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
o In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
o I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached
an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see
the other car.
o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.
o I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident.
o As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
avoid the accident.
o To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
o My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
o An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that
I had a fractured skull.
o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him.
o The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof
of my car.
o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth.
o I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows.
o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
way when I struck the front end.
Excuses, Excuses
================
THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO
TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please
execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit
in
the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this
weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a
tree
and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat,
her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her
father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed
out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
TRAVELLER'S TALES
=================
IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
lit up.
IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let
loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
IN A HONGKONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S: Drop your trousers here for best results.
OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
OUTSIDE A HONGKONG DRESS SHOP: Ladies have fits upstairs.
IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush,
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
FROM THE "SOVIET WEEKLY": There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by
15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.
IN AN EAST AFRICAN NEWSPAPER: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
IN A VIENNA HOTEL: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance,
men and women, live together in one tent unless the are married with each
other for this purpose.
IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of
the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby by used
for this purpose.
IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONGKONG DENTIST: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.
A TRANSLATED SENTENCE FROM A RUSSIAN CHESS BOOK: A lot of water had been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND: Would you like to ride on
your own ass?
ON THE FAUCET IN A FINNISH WASHROOM: To stop the drip, turn cock to
right.
IN THE WINDOW OF A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from their
own skin.
ON THE BOX OF A CLOCKWORK TOY MADE IN HONGKONG: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
DETOUR SIGN IN KYUSHI, JAPAN: Stop. Drive sideways.
IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special Today - no ice cream.
IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
dressed as a man.
IN A TOKYO BAR: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them
in all directions.
ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children
in the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.
IN A TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they
are best in the long run.
FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm air in your room,
please control yourself.
FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but
if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE:
- - - - English well talking
- - - - Here speeching American.
WHY ASK WHY
===========
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?
Did you know who in 1923 was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful
men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years
later, do you know what has become of these men?
1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.
The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene
Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing
golf and is solvent.
CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF!
GOOD HUMOR - BAD ADS
====================
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
LIST OF BART'S BLACKBOARD QUOTATIONS
====================================
Episode numbers indicate the blackboard scene used when the
episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used
in Canada is listed where it was "original" and the USA one was
repeated.
Note that all quotes were originally in all capital letters,
but any punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes.
Openings are listed in the order in which they were first shown.
If an episode is not listed, either it did not have a blackboard
quote the first time it was shown, or it used a repeated opening
"x" after an episode number indicates it took place during the
episode "*" indicates a note:
7G02 I will not waste chalk
7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls
7G04 I will not burp in class
7G06 I will not instigate revolution
7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class
7G07 I did not see Elvis
7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
7G13 Garlic gum is not funny
7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me
7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
7F03 I will not encourage others to fly
7F03x I will not fake my way through life
7F02 Tar is not a plaything
7F01 I will not Xerox my butt
7F01* It's potato, not potatoe (This was used for the second
airing, a reference to Dan Quayle's gaff while visiting a
school)
7F05 I will not trade pants with others
7F08* I am not a 32 year old woman (To put it another way, Nancy
Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy)
7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue
7F06 I will not drive the principal's car
7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
7F10* I will not sell school property (Also used in
7F14 The only episode so far to use a "repeated" blackboard
opening in its first showing)
7F11* I will not cut corners (It actually looks like this
I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS " " " " " " " " " " " ")
7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude
7F13 I will not make flatulent noises in class
7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem
7F16 I will not sell land in Florida
7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars
7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again
7F21* I will not show off (This was written in an "Olde
English"-style font)
7F22 I will not sleep through my education
7F24 I am not a dentist
8F01 Spitwads are not free speech
7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers
8F03 High explosives and school don't mix
8F03x I will not bribe Principal Skinner
8F04* I will not squeak chalk (Bart squeaks the chalk while
writing this)
8F05* I will finish what I star (This appears on one line; the
rest is blank)
8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside
8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink
8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail
8F11 I will not carve gods
8F14 I will not spank others
8F13 I will not aim for the head
8F15* I will not barf unless I'm sick (Lisa has a blackboard
punishment of sorts during the episode; she has to clap
erasers)
8F15x I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills
8F20 Funny noises are not funny
8F22 I will not snap bras
8F23 I will not fake seizures
8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless
8F18 My name is not Dr. Death
9F01* I will not defame New Orleans (New Orleans complained about
the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!")
9F02 I will not prescribe medication
9F03* I will not bury the new kid (During the episode, Marge
wrote "I will try to raise a better child")
9F05 I will not teach others to fly
9F06 I will not bring sheep to class
9F07 A burp is not an answer
9F08 Teacher is not a leper
9F09* Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less
legible; the last line is a scrawl)
9F10 I will not eat things for money
9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call
9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head"
9F14 Goldfish don't bounce
9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
9F17 No one is interested in my underpants
9F16 I will not sell miracle cures
9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog
9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity
9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom
9F21* I will never win an Emmy (This was the first episode after
1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the
show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't
nominated (the show has won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in
the past)
9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
1F07* All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy (This was not
written "line by line" like the others)
1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
1F11* My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
(A reference to "The Fugitive")
1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
1F14 I am not deliciously saucy
1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
1F18* I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (This was first
used for the 100th new episode)
1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business
1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of
Major League Baseball
1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical
MIT Coresopndence
=================
MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions
department went a little over-board, I think. I actually received
this letter, and actually mailed the following (original) response.
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now
you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would
be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to
consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful
indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly
got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we
offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and
cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country)
to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is*
tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and
creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 -
than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so
everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises
for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this
unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight,"
just check the appropriate box on the form.
*******************************************************************************
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307
Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now
you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most
universities would be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to
carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective
that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in
the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a
powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility
for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn
that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology,
from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in
the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self
indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny
and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports
- 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as
Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got
surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your
chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan:
What a Guy!" just ask.
99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
==============================
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a
bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a
Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking
vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I
want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets
home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.
He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka.
Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes
a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come
quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes
another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells
her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead
and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted.
The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells
his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds
to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka
is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and
tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard
and we will drink vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the
table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he
fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one
glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love,
you drink from the bottle."
To the Victor go the Spoils
===========================
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha,
pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of
the house by noon!"
> Pick-up lines heard round the world and some interesting possibilities
> for come-backs.
>
> I know how to please a woman.
> Then please leave me alone.
>
> I want to give myself to you.
> Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
>
> May I see you pretty soon?
> Don't you think I'm pretty now?
>
> Your hair color is fabulous.
> Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
>
> You look like a dream.
> Go back to sleep.
>
> I can tell that you want me.
> Yes, I want you to leave.
>
> Hey, baby, what's your sign?
> Do not enter.
> or
> Stop.
>
> I'd go through anything for you.
> Let's start with your bank account.
>
> May I have the last dance?
> You've just had it.
>
> I would go to the end of the world for you.
> Yes, but would you stay there?
>
> Your place or mine?
> Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.
>
> Your body is like a temple.
> Sorry, there are no services today.
>
> Is this seat empty?
> Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
>
> What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
> What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
>
> Haven't I seen you someplace before?
> Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
>
> If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
> If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of
her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar
is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
THE DOCTORS OFFICE
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What
can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had
finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit. This
happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointement,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked,
"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man replied,
"We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go
to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn
charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and
I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter >
checks his dossier and says, > "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in
the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. >
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day> God
calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, >
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air >
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's
no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a >
mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, >
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Q. How do you make a woman give up sex?
A. Marry her.
Q.What's the difference betw a woman and a typhoon?
A.Nothing. It starts w/ a blowjob and you end up losing your house.
A man found his wife in bed with the next door neighbour. He shoved
him against the wall and aimed his shotgun at his testicles."I'm gonna
blow your goddamn balls off you asshole!"
"Come on! I'm a sitting ducK! Gimme a sporting chance willya?"
"Alright! Swing 'em!"
Bigamy: One wife too many.
Monogamy: Refer to bigamy.
A woman in a very tight mini-skirt walked up to a bus, and she found
it very difficult to board the high step. She reached back and
loosened the zip but still could not get her leg up.So she unzipped
again, but still it was too tight.
At this point she felt a firm pair of hands on her bum lift her up the
step. She turned to the man and said."How dare you!"
"Well, I thought you wouldn't mind after you unzipped my pants
twice."
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the
older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom
they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered
all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to
meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found
the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian
to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not
fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to
witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out
of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the
mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. There never was a problem
after that.
1.
A nun says to the mother superior:
- Oh dear sister, I have sined with the gardner.
- Run fast to the kitchen and eat a lemon!
- Why.
- To erace this happy expression from your face.
2.
A blond woman asks:
- Why there are no interstate highways in Hawai??
3.
A dump (here you put the ethnic dump of your choise) tells to his
girlfriend:
- Come tonight at my house! There will be no one around!
So his girlfriend goes and finds noboy at his house.
4.
There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks
the beautiful nurse to acomplish his last wish.
- Nurse, he says, I want to kiss the head of Nikita Cruchef (you know a
president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head).
- Nikita Cruchef!? But he is dead for a long time.
- I don't care I want to kiss his head, the man says. This is my last
wish!
The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the
man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes out of her bra her
beautiful brest and offers it to the man. He holds it caresses it very
moved saying:
- Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!
And he was kissing repetitively the brest. The nurse who started liking
the whole situation asks the man:
- What about kissing president Eisenhower's head.
- Yes!! Is he here too?!
- Of course he is here, she says and offers him her other brest.
- Oh my dear president how happy I am to see you here, said the man
kissing again and again "Eisenhower".
The nurse liked all than very very much so she asks the man again:
- What about Fidel Castro?
5.
- How much is two plus to Bobo? asks the teacher to the nauthy little
boy of the class.
He counts with his fingers
- One two three, four. Four Miss!
- Eeep! Put your hands behind! tells the teacher. And adds: Now tell me
how much is it three plus three.
Bobo, having his hands behid himself still counts.
- One, two, three, four, five, six. Six Miss!
- Aaaaa! You are very naughty I see! Put immediatly your hands in your
pockets! Tell me how much is five plus five!
Bobo puts his hands in his pockets and starts counting again.
- One, two, three, four, ... Eleven Miss!
Politically correct usage when talking to/about females:
She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have:
A KILLER BODY
She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a:
PERFECT 10
She is:
NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not:
EASY
She is:
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have:
SEXY LIPS
She is:
COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get:
DRUNK
She is:
ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not:
A GOSSIP
She is a:
VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not:
WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have:
A GREAT BUTT
She is:
GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never:
GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:
A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not:
SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have:
A HARD BODY
She is:
ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never:
SAG
They will:
LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not:
SNORE
She is:
NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not:
GET DRUNK
She becomes:
VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have:
BIG HOOTERS
Her:
CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not:
TOO SKINNY
She is:
SKELETALLY PROMINENT
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize insexual
disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.The
chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when
the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies.
"If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day he'll pass
into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As
they turn to corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his
ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better
health plan."
Blind pilots (fwd)
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under
way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be
blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide
dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort
of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
revving
and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at
each
other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking
desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to
the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, just as the airplane is reaching the end of the runway, there
is a
sudden increase in the volume of the shouting as everyone screams at
once, and
at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the
pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to
scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
..........................
COLLEGE LIGHTBULB JOKES
How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two---one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven---one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the
experience.
How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None---Hanover doesn't have electricity.
How many M.I.T. students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the
pressure.
How many Miami students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six--one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the
lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a
counter-protest.
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None--New Haven looks better in the dark.
How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
How many Georgia Tech students does it take to change a lightbulb?
five --one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs
changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Atlanta using
that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the
computer program that controls the wall switch.
How many Vassar students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven--One to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation
How many Middlebury students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect
J.Crew
outfit to wear for the occasion.
How many Wellesley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
The whole student body--girls can't do anything right.
How many Stanford students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, dude.
How many Oberlin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three--One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off
the
old one.
How many Georgetown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four--One to change it, one to call Congress about their progress,
and two to throw the old bulb at American U. students.
How many LeHigh students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb
out
of the socket.
How many Purdue students does it take to change a lightbulb?
The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing
else
to do.
How many Tufts students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two--One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did
it as well as an Ivy League student.
How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five--One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance
about it.
How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight--It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just
that
they're all violently twitching from too much stress.
How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One--she calls a Smithie to do it.
How many Smith students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One--all you need is one hot woman and you'll never have a
heterosexual lightbulb again.
How many Michigan State students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four--One to change the bulb and two to check his math homework.
How many Amherst students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thirteen--One to change the bulb and an a capella group to
immortalize the event in song.
How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wesleyan's boycotting GE . . . you know, military-industrial
complex
and
all that.
How many Connecticut College students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two--One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they
were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out.
How many Bucknell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One--but he'll only change it if he can put in a white-light bulb.
How many Bowdoin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three--One to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one
to
take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in.
How many Bard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One--but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light bulb.
How many Boston College students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven--One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party
because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
How many Reed students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One--and she doesn't even need a ladder because she has platform
Birkenstocks.
-
>
> > You Know You Are Addicted to the Internet When.....
> >
> > You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
> > word processor.com
> >
> > You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
> > you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
> >
> > Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
>
> > what she looks like.
> >
> > All of your friends have an @ in their name.
> >
> > You can't call your mother..... she doesn't have a modem. Your
> > phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
> >
> > You laugh at people with 2400 modems.
> >
> > You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
> > landscape.
> >
> > You refer to going to the bathroom as [downloading]
> >
> > You tell the cab driver you live at:
> > http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
> >
> > Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to
> bed."
> >
> > You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair
> in
> > front of your computer with a commode.
> >
> > You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
> >
> > You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.
> >
> > Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage.....
> so
> > you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the
> > two of you can chat.
> >
> > You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
> allowed
> > to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
> >
> > And the #1 Clue That You Are Addicted to the Internet Is...
> Your
> > dog has its own home page.
>
The Gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to
get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. The
stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and
with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir", she said; "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if
you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He was
about
to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons
were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was
one
red button labeled "ATR".
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there
and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button.
Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling
came over him. The Men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm
Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying
his underside.
He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without
hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large Powder Puff caressed
his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his
unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom;
it was a place of tender loving pleasure!
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he
pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
*****
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse
was staring down at him with a smirk on her face...
"What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I remember, I
was in the ladies restroom on a flight to Atlanta!!!"
"You pushed one too many buttons.", replied the nurse, as her smirk
expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic
Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Yeow!
Dilbert's Rules of The Workplace
==============================
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work
nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in
the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end
of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to
get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are
never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use
being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your
car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a
cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors
in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you
are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops
by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional
to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the
rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held
responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Do something brilliant and no one is watching.
Do something stupid and the boss is sure to see it. :)
Subject: Jokes
One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to
put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a
large
steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it,
he
finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride
up to
the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is
hers
and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her
answer
and eventually forgets all about the matter.
Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs
across
the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells
him
that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more
persistent.
So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy
when
he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean,
that
she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives
him
all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if
he
is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about
the
trunk because she will not talk about it. "Fair enough," says
the
husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.
On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the
stairs,
into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife.
"Honey," he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think
it's
time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that
trunk?"
The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about
the
clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care,"
he
tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about
anything.
Now open this goddamn trunk!" So, she takes a key from a chain
hanging around her neck and opens the trunk.
Inside is three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash.
"Jesus
Christ!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here?
Where
did all of this come from?" "Well, sweetie," replies the wife,
"you
said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over
the
years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always
successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of
corn
into the trunk." The husband cannot believe the shocking
confession
that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for
a
few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I admit I'm not
too
thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each
other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in
25
years. But where did all the money come from?"
"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the
corn."
___________________________________________________________
A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his seeing
eye
dog.
After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across
the
street against the red light. First a car came screeching to a
halt
inches away from him, but still the dog led on. A bicyclist
almost
wiped them out and its rider cursed as he passed. As they strode
the
last lane a truck swerved, barely missing them. After they
reached
the far corner the blind man pulled a cookie from his pocket and
offered it to the seeing eye dog. At this point a bystander who
had
watched the entire episode approached, curious about why he was
rewarding the dog after it had endangered his life. "I'm not
rewarding
him," the blind man responded. "I'm just trying to find out
which end
is his head so I can kick his bum."
------------------------------------------------------------------
--- -
Two women sitting in a room when one of them sees her husband
walking
down the garden path with a big bunch of flowers...
"Ohh shit", she says
"What's wrong?", enquires the other
"It's my husband, he's only gone and bought me a huge bunch of
flowers!"
"What's wrong with that? If my husband did gave me a bunch of
flowers
I'd be really pleased"
"Well it's not that I don't like the flowers, it just means I
have to
spend all night in bed with my legs in the air"
So the other woman says..
"Haven't you got a vase?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
--- -
WISDOM FOR THE 90'S ...
ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a
particular
person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely
horny, but
not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money,
time
and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less
in
the future.
EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual
morals
of
a man.
EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate
that they
are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many
men
have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not
necessarily
due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes
are
not located in her chest.
FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw
which
makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is
interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who
lets him
do
all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities
that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few
months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears
to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
SLUT..... a woman who sleeps with everyone. (There is no equally
derogatory term for men. LUCKY or STUD are about as close as one can
get.)
WHORE....... (see above) a woman who sleeps with everyone but you.
IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where
you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of the television,
just about to watch all your favourite TV that you've
recorded over the last few weeks. Opening beer number two,
relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its
way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger
television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says, "What
exactly do you think you're doing?"
Is this a trick question or what?
Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will
immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest
home improvement centre, where you will spend the rest of the
afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that's right for
you.
How does this work?
It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with
anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have
no right answer. Here's a common example.
Do I look fat?
There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes."
"No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't
matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means
yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather go to the dentist than field
this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real
choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility
for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact
and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other
options are worse.
There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer,
and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In
all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be
funny is unlikely to pay off.
Consult this handy chart:
JUST SAY NO
Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasize about her?
Are you tired of me?
JUST SAY YES
Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasize about me?
Do you like my hair this way?
Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or
no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:
Which shoes look better?
Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend
confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside
them. This is no ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler,
the sort of choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson,
"Whichever, you old trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on,
she'll think you're trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair,
she'll think it's because you know you can't pick the ones she has
on. Some men try a nonlinear approach and opt for a third, unoffered
pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her
judgment or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account
suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat." This
raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you
don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so
why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing
campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will
occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new
towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive "beats me"
should do the trick, but don't try that with the shoe dilemma, or
you'll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the
other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you
more or less off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she
decides that the second pair are better after all.
Where do you see this relationship going?
This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously
not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or
"upstairs" or "I dunno." Another problem is that you and your
girlfriend are operating at cross purposes here. She wants a heartfelt
expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future
together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point
in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a
rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such
as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e., Questions that
should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the
more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple
deployment of reflexive interrogation.
Her: Where do you see this relationship going?
You: Where do *you* see this relationship going?
Her: Do you think she's attractive?
You: Who?
Her: Will you marry me?
You: Where am I?
Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: Are you pregnant?
Her: Why? Do I look fat?
Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that
coming. Try a more surreal approach:
Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: What if *we* were pregnant? .... (Cool, huh?)
Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do
you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love
got to do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your
period? is not one of these.) Let's try a math question. How many
people have you slept with? Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the
truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at
the number she's more or less expecting. Like most arithmetic
problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have a formula. This one
should work as long as neither of you has sex for a living.
Number of people she's slept with + Number of people she knows you've
slept with + Number of people you actually have slept with.
Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole
person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not
particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then
_say_ 12.
Why don't you lighten up?
This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of
shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a nightclub and spend
the whole time dancing to some unbelievable crap you've never heard
and _then_ go out and _buy_ it! There is no good answer to this
question. You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this
matter, noting that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or
when you act like your _dad_ (God forbid); then again, if you do that,
she's liable to see your point and break up with you. Speaking of
breaking up, how about this one?
Are you saying you want to end it?
Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already
know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what
they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when
a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even
if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question
back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be.
If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and
start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break
up with her, then it's best to change the subject. Let's try
something easier.
Notice anything different about me?
Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others:
"Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a
word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer
wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in
sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic postmodern context, i.e.,
just say what Ward Cleaver would say.
Her: Notice anything different about me?
You: New apron? ... (Ouch!)
Her: Have you forgotten what today is?
You: Of course not. It's Thursday.
Her: Have you been listening to a word I've said?
You: That's nice, dear...
Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she
wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better
questions. Questions such as:
Have you taken a look at yourself lately? This question and its
cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?" are
ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her
original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be
rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject.
You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you
reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that
Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral
sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these
questions. You're just supposed to apologise for your wanton
self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold
inadequacies as a boyfriend_nay, as a man_are a kind of revenge all by
themselves. Next!
Do you believe in fidelity?
Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue,
this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query
about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your
fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also
have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your
answer:
YOU SAY - Yes
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He's hiding something.
YOU SAY - It depends
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!
YOU SAY - Why do you ask
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - Bastard!
YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?
There are several more variations, but they're not worth going
into. By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep
trouble. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't
blush when you answer.
Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.
What are you looking at?
She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you
thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and
just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best
answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes
before you've found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to
answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught
offguard, their ability to deceive is impaired.
Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked, "What
are you looking at?"
Too specific: The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of
that mailbox on the northwest corner." Not specific enough: "That
thing." Too good to be true: "A diamond necklace in that window back
there that would be perfect on you." Too true to be good: "A
see through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect
on you." Too obvious: "Nothing." Way too obvious: "That blonde babe
over there with the big...I mean nothing." Here's one that requires a
little interpretation.
What are we going to do now?
This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly
unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is
the mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: In one
sense, "we" clearly means "you," as in, "What are you going to do
now," but there is also a sense of "we're in this together," implying
that you bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just
dropped her keys down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare
tire in her garage so they won't get stolen.
In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What
are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to
break up. Goodbye." Most likely you'll decide not to say
anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather
ill-advised:
Why don't you say something?
Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question
that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your
Fifth Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever,
but don't say anything when she asks:
Should I get all of my hair cut off?
If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and
let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and
she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely
nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all
her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:
"Does it make me look fat!!?"
....You're on your own..
Read this if you have a bad day .. It can always be worse ..
BAD DAYS
* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,
climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed
him.
* Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on
the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on
passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured
skull.
* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene
to search for files.
The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat
in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening
to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and
after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the
floor. It went off and killed his wife.
* In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her
coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she
suddenly sat up.
Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back
down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was
hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and
crushed him to death.
* Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out
the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and
found himself in the city prison.
* In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the
busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over
its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the
road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too
drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic
Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its
wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan.
When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and
only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes
Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and
other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming
down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat,
which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later
a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by
a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing,
the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm.
Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse
in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his
cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was
not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the
cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out
of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to
pacify the three flailing men. As he did so,the crossing gates rose
and his goat was strangled. At last report, the>insurance companies
were still trying to sort out the claims.
* Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in
heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his
car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of
impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked
together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries.
Their cars weren't scratched.
* In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years
in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started
when one of he men threw a french fry at another while they stood
waiting for a train.
* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging
by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate
harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife
came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor
came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the
opportunity to loot the place.
As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and
suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so
surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily,
Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were
reconciled.
* An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express
was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she
had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and
was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking
it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of
bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman
darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the
back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of
footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas
company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was
expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself
and departed.
Do these people speak our language? Recently reported in the
Massachusetts
Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually
asked
of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?">
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
The World's Easiest Quiz
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the
wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
Une petite blague ma foi sympathique ... / A bloody fucking brilliant joke
..
Subject: Blowjob / Sujet : pipe
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost
the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second half
of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could
get
himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was
a
cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send
the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his
drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie
said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars,
get
the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to
the
airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling
pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get
a cab
ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but
his 'old buddy' who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on
his
luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the
guy
pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride
to
the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much
for
you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my
cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his 'old friend' at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen
bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove
slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and
thumbs up sign
to each driver.
Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender,
"A
round of drinks for me and my friends." They get their drinks and
the
raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.
The
"head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again. Again, the
blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a
third
round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.
The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the
box
it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".
DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given
to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of
it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a jet engine
(JATO) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet
above the road.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles-one of the few
Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.
Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school,
he
joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally
discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his
backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the
local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair.
He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the
balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still
only a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six- pack
of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-figuring he could pop a few
balloons when it was time to descend-and went back to the floating lawn
chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions.
Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above
his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back
down.
Things didn't quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky
as
if shot from a cannon.
He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After
climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he
couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load
and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold
and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble.
He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los
Angeles International Airport.
A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and
described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar
confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the
airport.
LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
dispatched to investigate.
LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze
began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot
pursuit.
Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew
determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for
a
rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they
neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
above
Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled
back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the
helicopter crew.
As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members
of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.
As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the
daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and
replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
Subject: Joke: Using a barometer to measure the height of a building (fwd)
There are SEVERAL ways to solve a problem. For example, consider the
following from "The Teaching of Elementary Science and Mathematics" by
Alexander
Calandra:
The process of creativity is a mysterious and interesting one. It is
brilliantly described in the following story. A student refused to
parrot
back what he had been
taught in class. When the student protested, I was asked to act as
arbiter
between the student and his professor.
I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question: 'Show
how
it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid
of a
barometer.'
The student had answered: 'Take the barometer to the top of the
building,
attach a long rope to it, lower the barometer to the street and then
bring
it up, measuring
the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the
building.'
A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the
answer
did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at
answering the
question. I gave the student six minutes, with the warning that his
answer
should show some knowledge of physics. In the next minute he dashed off
his
answer,
which read: 'Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over
the
edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch.
Then, using the
formula S = 1/2a t(2), calculate the height of the building.'
At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded,
and I
gave the student almost full credit.
In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said
he
had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.
'Oh, yes. There are many ways of getting the height of a tall building
with
the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on
a
sunny day and
measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the
length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of a simple
proportion,
determine the
height of the building.'
Fine, I said. And the others?
'Yes. Take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb
the
stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You
then
count the
number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in
barometer units. A very direct method.'
'Finally, there are many other ways of solving the problem. Proably not
the
best is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the
superintendent's door.
When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: "Mr.
Superintendent, here I have a fine barometer. If you will tell me the
height
of this building, I will
give you this barometer."'
*City of Los Angeles High School Math Exam*
Name:__________________________ Gang:_______________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10
shots and shoots 11 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by
shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for
$320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of
the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick,
how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800
a day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to
steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for
killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter
is .8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 8 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a
fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is
turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so
instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired
woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent
than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks
across the bridge.
An anonymous girl, lets call her Jen, is a junior in college attending
school in Colorado. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the
partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen being the computer
science major that she is does however have a lot of work to do on her
computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working her butt
off desining computer programs and installing software.
One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home
alone on a friday night for the first time in the three years they had been
dating. She was sad alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new
homepage. She was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a chat
line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a sex line. So
jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it.
Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy, she started
playing with him. She gave a false name, saying her name was "Katie" and
started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her
tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands
ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex.
This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him
back on the line the following night.
Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with Jeremy again, they
become even closer this night, so they continue like this for a week. At
the end of the week, they started talking about other things, and got into
very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging their
lives, Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of
sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few
weeks, she really liked this guy.
This went on the two of them like this for months, and months turned into a
year. By the end of the year they had exchanged the most intimate thoughts,
and yet had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the
mystery. They had done everything sexually possible over the net, they were
affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be
together. They finally decided they had had enough. They wanted to meet
each other, they were in love and they had to meet. They didn't care about
age or looks or anything but each other. Jeremy told "Katie" he thought she
could be his next wife. Jen was leary at first but decided she didn't care
how old he was or how ugly he was, she loved him. He was the only one she
could feel comfortable with.
So...they planned a trip to meet in Vale, Colorado. They were going to
spend the weekend together and finally meet. Jen didn't want the hassle of
having to find him, so she said, "Why don't you just get the room and we'll
meet in the room that way there will be no mistake". Jeremy agreed. Jen
showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room telling the desk
lady to hold the key for the next party, so she went into the room.
She wanted things to be special so she lit some candles, put on some music.
She stripped naked and climbed into the bed under the covers, deciding to
surprise Jeremy when he got there. The time soon came, the lights were out,
the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door. She heard someone walk
in and around the corner, and she whispered, "Jeremy". Jeremy said,
"Katie?". "Yes", he said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it on to
see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around the world
were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and with her most
humiliating voice said, "Dad?" and Jeremy said, "JEN!!!"
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting
my penis erect, Can you help me?". After a complete examination the
doctor tells Jack, "well the problem with you is that the muscles
around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can
do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment.
Jack asks sadly, "What is the treatment?"
"Well" the doctors explains, "What we would do is take
the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your
penis." Jack thinks about it for a while then says "the thought
of going though life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go
for it"
A few weeks after the operation Jack is given the green light to use
his improved equipment. So he plans a romantic evening with this girl that
he's been meaning to ask out for a while but didn't dare until now. They
go to this very nice restaurant in the city. In the middle of dinner Jack
feels this stirring between his legs that continues to the point of being
uncomfortable. To release the pressure he unzips his fly under the table
thinking nobody is going to see it anyway. But his penis immediately springs
from his pants, grabs a roll from the table and returns to his pants. His
date was completely stunned at first but then says with a sly smile,"
That was incredible! Can you do that again?"
To which Jack replied "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can
fit another roll in my ass"
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.
What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
> >> >>After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts,
> >> >>spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause
> for
> >> >>the accident which has placed the station and its resident
> personnel
> >> >>in jeopardy. In terse statements at a recent press conference,
> >> >>Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday We have
> >> >>concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic
> >> >>accident and each nation s team, separately, has arrived at
> >> >>identical conclusions for this incident.
> >> >>
> >> >>The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
Ass icons
------------
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) and ass that's been around even more
(_$_) this ass will cost you
(_/_) an asian ass
(_~_) a latin ass
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_#_) pound my ass
(_##_) pound my ass even harder
(_<>_) an ass ready for action
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_oo_) an ass built for two
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_Y_) an ass that can't say No
(_<_) this ass belongs to someone
(_?_) what an ass
One for the girls......
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or
not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
If men got pregnant....
abortion would be available in convienience
stores and drive through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing
to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail
parties.
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swellin down.
***********************************************
A Women's Little Instruction Book...
***********************************************
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is
through his stomach you're aiming to high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them
are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health
reason: you've got sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at
home. He probaly lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff
she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one --
they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they
never mature anyway.
8. There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not
used together).
9. Men are all the same -- they just have
different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out
of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good
husband, you will usually find that he is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that
can do the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to
describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be
wrong but you could still use them!
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and
potentially violent -- but they make great pets!
15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not
enough cells per man.
16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if
they're someone else's.
Jessie had alwais been a lively lady and when se was finally
retired to the Nursing Home she refused to lead a boring life. She was
determined to liven up the place.
So she put a large sign on her door :SEX! an the smoll print said: $20
in bed, $5 on the floor.
Nothing happened for the first few nights, but on Friday there was a
timid knok and she opened the door to find Jock standing there.
He handed her 20$ note. "hang on", she said "I'll get the bed ready"
"To hell with the bed, " said Joke, "I'm here for four on the floor"
What's the definition of marriage?
Find someone you hate and buy them a house!
A tourist is walking thru Belfast when a guy carrying a machine gun jumps
him and screams, "What religion are you?"
The tourist has no idea where the guy is from , so he's between a rock &
hard place...
"ANSWER ME! WHAT FUCKING RELIGION ARE YOU!!?"
...no matter what he says... the gay is lifting the machine gun.
The tourist shouts 'I'm Jewish!, I'm Jewish!'
The terrorist's eyes light up, and he splatters the poor tourist with a
full clip.
"I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast," he says.
The bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy
with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour.
he heads over to talk to him, asking him, " Hei pal, is something wrong?'
'Yeah, I'm really depressed. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Bartender says: " Wow, that' s horrible. What did you do?"
"I kiked her aut of the house and sent her packing. I'ts over."
" That's pretty drastic. What did you do to your best friend?"
'I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said 'Bad
dog! Bad dog!"
Antoine bought a new gun. He was very excited, and couldn't wait to show it
to his friend ,
Pierre. " Pierre! I have a wonderful new gun!
When you look through the sides, things look very close!
Come with me to shoot it!"
So they walked to a hill outside of the town to shoot the gun.
Pierre sited the gun and said" Antoine! I can see your house!
I can see your wife trought the picture window. She is naked. John
Luke is there with her.
"Pierre, asked Antoine, " can you shoot well?"
"Yes"
"Good. I only have two bullets. With the first one , I want to shoot my
wife in the head. With the second , I want you to shoot John Luke trought
the penis."
"Antoine, I have good news. I only need one bullet"
Litlle Red Rading hood was walking trought the forest when suddenly
the big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and said, "Little girl,
I'm going to eat you."
"Shit," says Red, " Doesn't anyone fuck anymore?"
"LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
"Acording to my calculation the problem doesn't exist'
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
"Pride is what we have,. Vanity is what other have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limitid inventory."
"Reality? That' s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"How can I Miss You If You Won"t Go Away?"
"I 'm not as think as you drunk I am."
"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..."
"Seen on a woman' s car: "Man call us birds, we pick up worms."
'Don't come knocking if the car is rocking."
"Savwe Water- Take a bath with your neighbour's daughter
We have enough youth, how about a fautain of SMART?'
."He who laughs last thinks slowest."
" Alwais remember you're unique, like everyone else."
> > Dead Dog
> > A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except
> for
> > a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the
> > parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly
> be
> > saying a mass for the poor creature?"
> >
> > Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an
> > animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new
> > denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe
> > in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
> >
> > Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is
> > enough to donate for the service?"
> >
> > Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
> Catholic."
> >
>
> > The big dude and the small guy
> > A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge
> > black man standing next to him. The big dude looks down at the
> > small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, 3
> > pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".
> >
> > The small guy faints.
> >
> > The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to and asks,
> > "What's wrong with you"?
> >
> > The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
> >
> > The big dude looks down and says, "7 ft. tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch
> > penis, 3 pound right testicle, 3 pound left testicle, Turner
> > Brown."
> >
> > The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn
> > around.'"
> >
> >
___________________________
So which condom would you use....?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a
woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish
everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
AT T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI: For friends and family.
Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
A CALIFORNIAN MOVES TO COLORADO
Dec 20 -- 6 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and
the
first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered
rums
and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Dec 24 -- We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering
the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered
with a
beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved
it.
I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came
along
and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the
street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it
again.
Dec 26 -- It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the
temperature dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees
and shrubs
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.
Shortly
afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the
snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan 1-- Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which
soon
became ice when the temperatures dropped again. Bought snow tires for
both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but
nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan 5 -- Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to
get to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable
amount of
damage to the right rear quarterpanel. Had another 8 inches of the
white
shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More
shoveling
in store for me today. The goddamn snowplow came by twice today.
Jan 9 -- 2 degrees outside. More fuckin snow. Not a tree or shrub on
our
property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and kerosene heater
which
tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the
flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my
eyelashes
and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was
totaled.
Jan 13 -- Goddamn mother-fuckin white shit keeps coming down!! Have to
put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin mailbox. If I
ever
catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his
chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and
waits for
me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street at 100 mph and
buries
our driveway again.
Jan 17 -- 16 goddamn more fuckin inches of fuckin snow and fuckin
sleet
and fuckin ice and god knows what other kind of white fuckin shit fell
last
night. I wounded the fuckin snowplow driver with an ice axe, but he
got
away. Wife left me. Car won't start. More snow predicted. Wind chill
42
fuckin degrees below.
---oooOooo---
Some Scottish Humour fer yeh !!!!!
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into
the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the
appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite
the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his
kilt, a
tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside
there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim,
shapely,
fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from
the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him
from his
seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!",
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
starts
to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take
him
long.
"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in
both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight
is
failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold
wind
has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to
stand.
"Du it again" says the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the
man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the
roadside.
"All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to
Inverness".
* THE OLD MAN'S CONFESSION *
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to
two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest paused for a moment, then said, "Well, my son, when
was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
A man walks into a drugstore when the
son comes across the condoms and asks his father what
they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms
and they're for protection when you're having sex."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it
has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high
school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one
for Sunday."
The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?"
The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two
for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the
same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March...."
Gender Translation
1. Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
in a relationship.
male: Food,sex and beer.
2. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off
for a weekend with the guys.
3. Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
male: The organ used for mooning (and farting).
4. Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend
5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression
and male bonding.
7. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising
to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot
babe took over the office one flight up.
8. Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple
can achive.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women
to boink.
9. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels
every 2 * minutes.
10. Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're
cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has
gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
11. Thingie (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.??
male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.
12. Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
////////////////////////////////
Finnaly, best of all:
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road=20
one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the
owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the=20
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and=20
his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you", asked Bill.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar=20
and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the =
pig".
> Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people wdho have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?
> The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell that
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground! By now, I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off!
So, finally, I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and I
started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
for long, so he let go and fell--but even after 25 stories, he fell
into the bushes, stunned but alive. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
ran into the kitchen, rolled out the refrigerator, and threw it over
the edge where it landed on the man, killing him instantly. But all
the stress and anger got to me and I had a heart attack and died there
on the balcony."
> "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and he let
the man in.
> The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven
being full, and again asks for his story.
> "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor
of my apartment building and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the
floor below me. I knew that I couln't hang on for very long, when this
man suddenly burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure that I was
saved, but he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best
I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally, I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when
I was thinking that I was going to be OK, this refrigerator comes
falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly. And now I'm here."
> Once again, Peter had to concede that this sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
> The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.
> "Picture this..." says the third man, "...I'm hiding naked inside
this refrigerator..."
There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and
take a shower....so, the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his
wife, who looks out to the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the
rake?" She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his
knee [need] and then makes raking motions..
"What?" she yells..
So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it
and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass
and
then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally
aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the
bathroom..
"What did you say?"
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
THE NEW "OFFICIAL" RULES FOR STRIP
MONOPOLY
1. All clothing is considered legal tender, for debts both public, and
private, at the values listed.
2. Any clothing given to the bank is removed from the game.
3. If you do not have cash, then you MUST pay in clothes.
4. All payments to the bank for Chance, Community Chest, Income Tax, ect.
must include at least one item of clothing(not
necessarily yours).
5. When paying rent to another player, you must roll 1d6. If it comes up
5, or 6, you must include one item of clothing for the
rent. Full Change of the appropriate amount will be given, in either
cash,or clothes.
6. YOU MAY NOT WEAR ANY OTHER PLAYERS CLOTHING!!!!!!!!!!
Clothing values:
Note: all values may be ajusted in response to sexy underwear, or similar
circumstances.
Jewelry---------$3.00 per type(if you have 10 bracelets, together they
are worth $3.00)
Shoes-----------$5.00 per pair
Socks-----------$5.00 per pair
Shirt-----------$50.00 (male, female w/ bra)
Shirt----------$350.00 (female w/out bra)
Pants----------$100.00 (w/ underwear)
Pants----------$600.00 (w/out underwear)
Bra------------$300.00
Underwear------$500.00
*values listed here are assumed to be worn. once an item of clothing is
removed from the body, the price drops to the lowest
price for that item. (ex: once a shirt w/out a bra is sold, its price
drops from $350 $50)
All outer clothing not listed here, is worth $1.00 a piece.
Any clothing not listed (ie:garter belts) the price will be set by the
group.
WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN
------------------------------------
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his
stomach you're aiming to high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
you've got sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probaly lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she
asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men --
"don't" and "stop" (but not used together).
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces
so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to
pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
you will usually find that he is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
the work of five men -- a women.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong,
caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially
violent -- but they make great pets!
15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per
man.
16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're
someone else's.
/------------------------------------------------------------------\
ZIPPERGATE
-----------
What did Buddy the Dog say to President Clinton on hearing about
Zippergate?
"Do they serve Alpo in prison?"
What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair?
"Pardon Me"
If Ken Starr can extend his probe . . .
Then what's wrong with Clinton doing the same thing?
Why does Clinton invite so many women into the oval office?
To show them the executive branch
Why has Clinton been so silent on this issue?
He's hoping this will peter-out in a few days.
Why does Hillary wear the pants in the White House?
Because Bill can't keep his on!
Dick Nixon said "Your President is not a crook"
Bill Clinton said " Your President's member is not crooked"
Why does Bill Clinton wish he was like Ted Kennedy?
Because Kennedy has an ex-wife and a dead girlfriend
The Clintons get a new parrot, not knowing it had previously been the
pet at a brothel. When Hillary walks into the room for the first time, the
parrot squawks "Too Old! Too Old!". Chelsea walks in an the parrot
squawks "Too Young! Too Young!"
The President walks in and the parrot squawks "Hi, Bill!"
Who is the only woman in the White House not sleeping with Clinton?
Hillary
Who were Monica's closest friends during her internship?
Kneel and Bobb
What's the saddest thing about trust going out of Bill's relationship with
Hillary?
It takes all the fun out of lying.
Monica to The Prez:
Is that a veto in your pocket..or are you just glad to see me?
Why is America called the land of opportunity?
Because only in America could the lowest intern bring down the most
powerful man.
What's Al Gore's advice to Bill Clinton?
TAKE A SKI VACATION!
1. There is an unconfirmed report from Washington DC that about one
month
ago a well-known psychic predicted that Monica Lewinsky would "go
down"
in history.
2. What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
I'll be home in twenty minutes.
3. Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.
4. Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
Clinton was showing her the proper way to take dic-tation.
5. What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
Put a tiny weenie into real hot water.
6. What do Monica and Bill Clinon have most in common?
They're both going down.
7. Someone ask Clinton if he was heading to Arkansas after this is
over.
He replied that he intended to stay in D.C., and poke around for
awhile.
8. Don't feel sorry for Monica. She'll be back on her knees in no
time!
9. Seems Bill wasted all that energy running for President.
He thought they said the "Oral" Office.
10. How did 500 women, sampled at random, respond when asked if they
would
have sex with Bill Clinton? 86% responded "Not again!"
11. Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
He just bends over and sticks the pages!
12. Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
So he can stay up for long hours, to satisfy the needs of his
staff!
13. Why did Bill get into this problem?
He didn't know that harass was one word.
14. The Clinton Presidential Anthem -- Kneel to the Chief.
15. Why is there no proof? She swallowed the evidence.
16. Who's handling the case?
The Intern-al Affairs Department.
17. What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep
Throat."
18. How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's
testimony?
"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
19. Why couldn't Monica swallow?
Because that would be destruction of evidence.
20. Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?
Her dad is getting more dates than she is.
21. Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White
House
staff?
She didn't know what "staff" they really meant.
22. Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story?
He wants Marv Albert to do the interview.
23. Unexpectedly, the first to score in the Super Bowl was Bill
Clinton.
24. What was the White House Chief of Staff's reaction to Lewinsky's
story?
Now I know why they kept calling her the head intern!
25. What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline?
"Bush Beats Clinton".
26. What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
Unibanger.
27. Hillary feels pretty badly -- she may be the First Lady, but she
won't
be the last.
28. What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their
meeting
on January 22, 1998? "Bill... Goats don't talk!!"
29. What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
They both heard a giant sucking sound!
30. President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in
deposition... I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
31. Realization of another White House intern... "And all the time I
thought that humming was the shredder!"
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of
bringing
America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the
"Head
Man"
do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one
yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of
this
demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing
political
scene
of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's
movers and
shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour
won't show
you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential
activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from
a
former
intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job
answering
phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the
president.
Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long
hours,
hot
debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it
back to
the
White House at president@whitehouse.gov
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the
free
world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for
each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above,
please call
soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who
might
be
interested in this program. The White House is an equal
opportunity
employer.
Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's
Intern Performance Report
10. Truly an eager beaver.
9. Uses too much teeth.
8. Stays late, comes early.
7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
3. "In box" is always clean and shiny.
2. Tends to blab on the telephone.
And the best thing the President had to say about her...
1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.
------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Mr. High Tech
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...
like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand. The
bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood
and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a
phone
installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands
his
hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and
carries
on a conversation.
"That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have
believed it!"
"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife,
you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender
directs im to the men's room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into
the
men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants
are
pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my
god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns to him and says: "No, I'm ok..... I'm just waiting
for a fax."
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