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Bill Clinton becomes pretty kinky lately. The other night he
blindfolded Hillary, then he tied her up and then he went out with
another woman.
Bumper sticker in Arizona: "If this is the tourist season, why can't we
shoot them?"
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every
five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks
at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through
this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms
out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles
and replies, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical
purposes!"
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
=======================================
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly handled
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent
reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly in saturation of
alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at
different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact
with each other.
>Subject: WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?
>(Forwards removed)
>
> General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who
>don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy
>computers -- but imagine if they did . . .
>
> HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
> CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
> HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
> CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
> HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
> battery and turns over the engine."
> CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
> to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
> ---------------------------------------
>
> HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
> CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
> HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
> CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
> HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a
> needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
> CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
> HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
> purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the
> vendor to install it for you."
> CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you
> tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
> comes with everything built in!"
> ----------------------------------------
>
> HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
> CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
> HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
> CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
> HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
> CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
> pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it
> crashed and now it won't start!"
> HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
> What do you expect us to do about it?"
> CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
> doesn't crash anymore!"
> --------------------------------------------
>
> HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
> CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
> because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
> steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
> HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
> CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
> HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
> CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
> HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
> CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places
> in my car!"
>
> >Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
> >Status: R
>
> > by Richard Lederer
> >
> >Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
> >uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case
> >with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists
> >an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and
> >preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
> >
> >Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
> >Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
> >in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
> >published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are
> >some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of
> >the word:
> >*******************************
> >Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
> >A. Borofkin.
> >Q. What's his first name?
> >A. I can't remember.
> >Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
> > remember his first name?
> >A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
> > chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
> > tell them your first name!
> >*******************************
> >Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
> >A. I refuse to answer that question.
> >Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
> >A. I refuse to answer that question.
> >Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
> >A. No.
> >*******************************
> >Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
> >A. By death.
> >Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
> >*******************************
> >Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
> >A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
> >*******************************
> >Q. What is your name?
> >A. Ernestine McDowell.
> >Q. And what is your marital status?
> >A. Fair.
> >*******************************
> >Q. Are you married?
> >A. No, I'm divorced.
> >Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
> >A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
> >*******************************
> >Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
> >A. My ex-widow said it.
> >*******************************
> >Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
> >A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
> > by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
> >*******************************
> >Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
> >A. I will be three months November 8th.
> >Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
> >A. Yes.
> >Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
> >*******************************
> >Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
> >A. I should be.
> >Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
> >A. Four times.
> >*******************************
> >Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
> >A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
> >*******************************
> >Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
> >A. Yes, sir.
> >Q. Before or after he died?
> >*******************************
> >Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under
> > the influence?
> >A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate
> > his words.
> >*******************************
> >Q. What happened then?
> >A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
> > identify me."
> >Q. Did he kill you?
> >A. No.
> >*******************************
> >Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
> > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
> >*******************************
> >THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
> > information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
> > any.
> >*******************************
> >Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
> >A. No.
> >Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
> >A. Picking them up in the air.
> >Q. Where was the dog at this time?
> >A. Attached to the ears.
> >*******************************
> >Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
> > were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
> > her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
> > you and she, with him to the station?
> >MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
> >*******************************
> >Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
> > What school do you go to?
> >A. Oral.
> >Q. How old are you?
> >A. Oral.
> >*******************************
> >Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
> >A: She is my daughter.
> >Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
> >*******************************
> >Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
> > there was a victim?
> >*******************************
> >Q: ...and what did he do then?
> >A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
> >Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
> >*******************************
> >Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
> > indignities?
> >A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
> > furniture.
> >*******************************
> >Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
> > you observe with respect to your scalp?
> >A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
> >Q: It was covered?
> >A: Yes, bandaged.
> >Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
> >A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
> > and put on top of my head.
> >*******************************
> >Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
> >A: I could see his head.
> >Q: And where was his head?
> >A: Just above his shoulders.
> >*******************************
> >Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of
> > this defendant?
> >A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
> > sonofabitch- and she did!
> >*******************************
> >Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
> >A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
> >*******************************
> >Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
> > murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
> >A: The victim lived.
> >*******************************
> >Q: Are you sexually active?
> >A: No, I just lie there.
> >*******************************
> >Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
> >*******************************
> >Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
> > objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
> >A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
> >*******************************
> >Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
> >A: It indicates intercourse.
> >Q: Male sperm?
> >A. That is the only kind I know.
> >*******************************
> >Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
> >A: Yes, sir.
> >Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
> >*******************************
> >Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
> >A: I have only one, you know.
>
Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Len Perham (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel,
and IDT, in case you didn't recognize one (or more?!) of the names)
were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense
discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is
sitting.Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper.
Gentlemen,excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill
lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of
his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are
staring at him.
Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system.
I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into
the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy
starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper.
Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy
taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him
and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But
my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone
is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Len
emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him
and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a
fax."
THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem
to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy
reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find
themselves in such a dilemma.
TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible
since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of
bullets, you
continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have
no exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently
load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When
you try,
however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE.
THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be
re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself
in the
appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
appendage which holds...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot.
The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to
explain it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large
systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the
foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you.
Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of
the gun. When
you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out
how to do it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o no such
file or directory % ls %
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page
document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later,
your foot
comes back deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can,
too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in
all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in
the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little
bullet-thingies are for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you
must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
--
THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM
You are one of the people on a malfunctioning airplane with only
one parachute.
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the
jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
jumps just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates
and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with
their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a
neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a
report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
that it will work in all cases.
Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all
four languages.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
as well as a human being could.
Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals,
how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds
them of.
Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character
of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work
hard and not expect handouts.
Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to
have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you
long to learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous
to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no
link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.
Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.
Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
fine.
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade
their final exams:
Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn
them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that
comes to mind.
Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grad-Student Emotion Check List
6:30am Wake up and lie awake in bed.
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, which means no eating out
for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't
hit the snooze button; you turned it off.
7:01 Fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early brunch at
(Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's/whatever cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier
today. Must have got more work done.
8:04 Pass by advisor's office, chat with secretary to find out if he is
coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the draft due
this afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail.
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the
class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart, go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask for
your money back. Wonder why they would believe you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to your
work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction. Mutter racist comments to yourself about
your officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend. Feel good
about him not grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around the
world (using the "finger" command, of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
10:31 Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 Edit .plan file. Write a shell program to edit .plan more easily.
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't need and
kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project.
11:05 Perverted daydreams.
11:11 Read electronic news. Mid-morning yawn time.
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you are working
hard as your advisor passes by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all the garbage
you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more than 256
characters per half minute.
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department.
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft and presentation.
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation.
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost.
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company.
12:15 Hunger pangs.
12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your
desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness. Resentment towards foreign
officemate for sucking up to your advisor. Get reminded by your
advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/graduation
possibility/graduation date/all job opportunities/and the rest of your
life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 Splitting headache #1.
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do that.
2:06 More generic cola.
2:17 Oh no, it is my turn to cook tonight :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through.
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree
program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted daydreams. Close the office door and open a few .gif
files. Sharpen pencil.
3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter, NOT! No
time for that. Rearrange desk. Call up bank; see if you have any
money. Fear of losing aid next fall. Read latex manuals to figure
out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonight. Vow to watch
only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice advisor leave.
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office.
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office
late at night to "get the work done".
9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to attack those
FTP sites since network wont be loaded. Run into "since network
won't be loaded" traffic and get the pictures into your machine.
Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space.
Back up all your pictures.
10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work; Realize you need references. Realize
it's too late today to go to the library. Sudden feeling of having
wasted the day.
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide to
turn in early and come back very early tomorrow morning. Decide to
play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the
scoreboard. Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two
notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place. A sense of
achievement! Yes, today was not wasted! Return home to find your
roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him about the
"hard working grad student day you had". Discuss philosophy with
roommate.
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others (The Dining
Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke) Argue with him
about politics, why people prefer Japanese cars and whether it is
better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to defrost the
windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today. Get reminded of the
"too much milk problem".
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to
sleep.
(repeat)
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first one goes up to St. Peter who says,
"I have only one question before you enter heaven: were you faithful to your
wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another woman." St.
Peter tells him: "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive
while you're in heaven".
The second guy gets the same question, and answers: "Once I strayed, but I
confessed to my wife and she forgave me, and we worked it out." St. Peter
tells him: "See that new Buick over there? That's your car to use in heaven".
The third guy answers the same question: "I have to admit, I chased every bit
of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "OK, but you
were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while
you're in heaven." The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, #2 and #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see #1's
Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar, and find
#1 with empty bottles all around him, slumped with his face in his hands on
the counter. They come up to him and #2 says: "Bud, what could possibly be
so bad - you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"
He says: "I saw my wife today!" The other 2 reply, "That's great! So what's
the problem?" He answers: "She was riding a bicycle!"
PROFESSORS' SLANG DICTIONARY
THEY WRITE THEY MEAN
It has long been known that... I haven't bothered to look up the
reference
....of great theoretical and ...interesting to me
practical importance
While it has not been possible The experiments didn't work out,
to provide definite answers to but I figured I could at least get
these questions... a publication out of it...
The W-Pb system was chosen as The fellow in the next lab had some
especially suitable to show already made up
the predicted behavior...
High purity... Composition unknown except for
Very high purity... exaggerated claims of the supplier
Extremely high purity...
Super-purity...
Spectroscopically pure...
A fiducial reference line... A scratch
Three of the samples were The results of the others didn't
make
chosen for detailed study... sense and were ignored...
....handled with extreme care ...not dropped on the floor
during the experiments
Typical results are shown... The best results are shown...
Although some detail has been It is impossible to tell from the
lost in reproduction, it is micrograph
clear from the original
micrograph
Presumably at longer times... I didn't take the time to find out
The agreement with the predicted
curve is:
excellent fair
good poor
satisfactory doubtful
fair imaginary
....as good as could be expected non-existent
These results will be reported I might get around to this sometime
at a later date
The most reliable values are He was a student of mine
those of Jones
It is suggested that...
It is believed that... I think...
It may be that...
It is generally believed that... I have such a good objection to this
answer that I shall now raise it.
It is clear that much additional I don't understand it
work will be required before a
complete understanding...
Unfortunately, a quantitative Neither does anybody else
theory to account for these
effects has not been formulated
Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude
It is hoped that this work This paper isn't very good but
will stimulate further work neither are any of the others on
in the field this miserable subject
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz Glotz did the work and Doe
for assistance with the explained what it meant
experiments and to John Doe
for valuable discussions
> >
> Last night I stayed to do work but I became unbelievably bored within the
> first ten minutes and so I started telling myself jokes. Some of them
> weren't bad and so I started to write them down. Here are just a few of
> the good ones.
>
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
> > > >
> > > > I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
> > > >
> > > > I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
> > > > near the place.
> > > >
> > > > Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people
> > > > were trapped on the escalators.
> > > >
> > > > I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
> > > > house and four people died.
> > > >
> > > > I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
> > > > statues that are in all the other museums.
> > > >
> > > > What's another word for Thesaurus?
> > > >
> > > > I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to reminisce with
> > > > people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the
> > > > shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ... And when I
> > > > get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then
> > > > sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
> > > >
> > > > When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
> > > > firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'
> > > >
> > > > I lost a button hole today.
> > > >
> > > > I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking
> > > > his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell
> > > > beating up a child.
> > > >
> > > > I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on
> > > > the escalator.
> > > >
> > > > When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard......
> > > > I was an only child........ eventually.....
> > > >
> > > > Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind
> > > > his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth...
> > > > with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he
> > > > walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
> > > >
> > > > Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
> > > > If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
> > > > head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
> > > >
> > > > Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty
> > > > good... He could go under a rug...
> > > >
> > > > All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
> > > > synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried
> > > > to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give
> > > > me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in
> > > > the store..."
> > > >
> > > > Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
> > > > every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the
> > > > entire trip........... I don't remember what it was...
> > > >
> > > > Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
> > > >
> > > > He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money?
> > > > .He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries
> > > > in...
> > > >
> > > > I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy
> > > > them again...
> > > >
> > > > I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of
> > > > milkmen.
> > > >
> > > > One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in
> > > > the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole
> > > > building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped
> > > > me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said,
> > > > 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a
> > > > highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the
> > > > hell out of my driveway.
> > > >
> > > > If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why
> > > > haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I want...
> > > > my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you
> > > > had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on
> > > > it."
> > > >
> > > > For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them
> > > > in the same room and let them fight it out...
> > > >
> > > > Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the
> > > > entire area was missing...
> > > >
> > > > For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to
> > > > park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
> > > > [slow glance upward]
> > > >
> > > > This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the
> > > > floor, then lifts it]...gutter...
> > > >
> > > > There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
> > > > in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
> > > >
> > > > I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
> > > >
> > > > I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do anything......Every
> > > > once in a while, I turn it on and off......One day I got a call......
> > > > it was from a woman in France.......she said "Cut it out"......
> > > >
> > > > Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
> > > > just whipped out a quarter?
> > > >
> > > > The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some
> > > > people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
> > > >
> > > > The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..
> > > >
> > > > I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I
> > > > pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
> > > > said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
> > > > opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I
> > > > looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to
> > > > hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in
> > > > the desert. Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it
> > > > up and said 'Hello?'...the other side said 'Is this Steven
> > > > Wright?'...I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the
> > > > student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your
> > > > last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
> > > > recieved none of the $17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to
> > > > know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to
> > > > you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it
> > > > he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called
> > > > me again.
> > > >
> > > > My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthtmark til he
> > > > was eight years old.
> > > >
> > > > I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun
> > > > when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere
> > > > Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF).
> > > > He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores
> > > > me and keeps on typing.
> > > >
> > > > Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
> > > >
> > > > I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I
> > > > said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that
> > > > is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does
> > > > anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.
> > > >
> > > > When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I
> > > > said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
> > > >
> > > > I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
> > > > serious because I brought a beach towel.
> > > >
> > > > I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
> > > > like I'm the only one moving.
> > > >
> > > > I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song
> > > > on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
> > > >
> > > > I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
> > > >
> > > > My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can
> > > > ask him what he meant.
> > > >
> > > > Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
> > > > The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
> > > >
> > > > I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
> > > > I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
> > > > to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'
> > > >
> > > > I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
> > > >
> > > > I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
> > > >
> > > > I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
> > > >
> > > > I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
> > > > they wouldn't have to go so fast.
> > > >
> > > > I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
> > > > specific.
> > > >
> > > > I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
> > > > The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
> > > > degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.'
> > > >
> > > > Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast
> > > > all over the world.
> > > >
> > > > I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other fish.
> > > >
> > > > I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
> > > >
> > > > In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so
> > > > I never have to go upstairs.
> > > >
> > > > I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
> > > > on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
> > > >
> > > > I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy, were
> > > > they mad!
> > > >
> > > > I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
> > > > front of it in only eight minutes...
> > > >
> > > > Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said 'Hello?' and I
> > > > said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'...they said, 'Uh...I don't think
> > > > so...he's only 2 months old.' I said, 'I'll wait...'
> > > >
> > > > Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
> > > >
> > > > Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my shadow
> > > >
> > > > I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at
> > > > me and said 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.' I said 'Yeah,
> > > > I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.' ...
> > > >
> > > > ... Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you know when
> > > > you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall
> > > > over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how
> > > > I feel all the time.'
> > > >
> > > > I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
> > > > it's going to be up all night.
> > > >
> > > > I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says
> > > > "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.
> > > >
> > > > I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
> > > >
> > > > I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
> > > > guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
> > > > open 24-hours." He said, "Yea, but not in a row."
> > > >
> > > > My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
> > > >
> > > > I was born by Ceasarian Section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just
> > > > that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
> > > >
> > > > A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire
> > > > planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."
> > > >
> > > > I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
> > > >
> > > > I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.
> > > >
> > > > After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
> > > >
> > > > You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
> > > >
> > > > My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ...
> > > > well, to make a long story short ...
> > > >
> > > > I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
> > > >
> > > > I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
> > > >
> > > > It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
> > > > really tired.
> > > >
> > > > I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With
> > > > Pail... Kitten On Fire.
> > > >
> > > > I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift
> > > > Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
> > > > would know when to stop unwrapping.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its
> > > > "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
> > > >
> > > > I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
> > > > backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my
> > > > friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
> > > >
> > > > I filled out an apllication that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:". I
> > > > wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
> > > >
> > > > Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up
> > > > there...Confuse the hunters.
> > > >
> > > > I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
> > > >
> > > > When buying clothes, I wear an extra medium.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
> > > >
> > > > When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side,
> > > > and then walk around like this (frantically looking around while pretending
> > > > to push stroller)..."You had a brother, but he was bad."
> > > >
> > > > I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a
> > > > message and I'll call when I'm out."
> > > >
> > > > Why is the alphabet in that order?
> > > >
> > > > I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and
> > > > went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only studder in
> > > > spanish.
> > > >
> > > > I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road;
> > > > I don't know how I got there.
> > > >
> > > > I installed a skylight in my apartment....
> > > > The people who live above me are furious!
> > > >
> > > > I play the harmonica. the only way I can play is if I get my car going
> > > > really fast, and stick it out the window.
> > > >
> > > > I replaced the headlights in my car with stobe lights, so it looks like
> > > > I'm the only one moving.
> > > >
> > > > I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now
> > > > my car goes 500 miles per hour. the harmonica sounds _AMAZING_.
> > > >
> > > > I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me "If
> > > > I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
> > > >
> > > > My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
> > > > except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph.
> > > >
> > > > Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it
> > > > pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you
> > > > doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
> > > >
> > > > My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I
> > > > said "the whole time".
> > > >
> > > > I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
> > > > time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real
> > > > easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down
> > > > to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother
> > > > was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
> > > >
> > > > "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
> > > > like an idiot."
> > > >
> > > > I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet
> > > > in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you
> > > > want and the table would move across the floor to it.
> > > >
> > > > One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't
> > > > you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
> > > > read."
> > > >
> > > > The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean.
> > > > Can you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
> > > >
> > > > I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
> > > > So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
> > > >
> > > > I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in
> > > > front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
> > > >
> > > > They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up
> > > > his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live on the edge...
> > > >
> > > > I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I
> > > > got
> > > > some flip-up contact lenses.
> > > >
> > > > I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
> > > >
> > > > I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the
> > > > speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out
> > > > that long.
> > > >
> > > > Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
> > > >
> > > > Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
> > > >
> > > > I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right.
> > > > I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything
> > > > in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my
> > > > roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced
> > > > with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
> > > >
> > > > One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous
> > > > blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and
> > > > then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and
> > > > he
> > > > says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
> > > > can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good
> > > > to
> > > > tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my
> > > > analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my
> > > > name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
> > > >
> > > > I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll
> > > > Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
> > > >
> > > > A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll
> > > > just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much
> > > > better...
> > > >
> > > > You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
> > > > and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
> > > >
> > > > I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep
> > > > it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
> > > >
> > > > I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck,
> > > > but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
> > > >
> > > > I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing
> > > > what I was doing.
> > > >
> > > > The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
> > > > in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
> > > >
> > > > My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street,
> > > > except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell
> > > > them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
> > > >
> > > > Sometimes I...No, I don't.
> > > >
> > > > I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys
> > > > in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
> > > >
> > > > I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight
> > > > Bosco on the job.
> > > >
> > > > Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
> > > >
> > > > I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
> > > >
> > > > If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west,
> > > > does he become disoriented?
> > > >
> > > > My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
> > > > doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
> > > >
> > > > Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
> > > >
> > > > The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
> > > >
> > > > Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
> > > > It told me it was none of my business.
> > > >
> > > > It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
> > > >
> > > > I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars but I had to give it back.
> > > >
> > > > I took a course in speed reading. Then I got reader's digest on microfilm.
> > > > by the time I got the machine set up I was done.
> > > >
> > > > I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House.
> > > > Helen keller.
> > > >
> > > > Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
> > > >
> > > > I took lessons in bicycle riding but I could only afford half of them.
> > > > Now I can ride a unicycle.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping."
> > > > They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
> > > >
> > > > I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't
> > > > rise.
> > > >
> > > > I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
> > > >
> > > > I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer.
> > > > it was made of grass.
> > > >
> > > > If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
> > > >
> > > > The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska.
> > > > Now Santa Claus is missing.
> > > >
> > > > I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2 x 4 and a box of 3 x 5's.
> > > > The clerk said, "ten-four."
> > > >
> > > > I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
> > > >
> > > > A beautiful woman moved in next door so I went over and returned a cup of
> > > > sugar.
> > > > "You didn't borrow this."
> > > > "I will."
> > > >
> > > > The sun got confused about daylight savings. It rose twice.
> > > > Everything had two shadows.
> >
>
>
Maybe you're tired. Go back!
Back to version 2.0 of the home page
>
>Old Brezhev joke,
>
> Americans land on moon, Brezhnev calls Soviet
> cosmonauts and gives an order:
>
> --By the end of this month Soviet spaceship must
> land on sun!
> -- Ok,comrade General Secretary, but the problem is
> that we will burn alive- replied cosmonauts.
> -- Do you think we are all studip here in the politburo!
> You are going to land there at night! replied Brezhev
This is another (old one):
Walesa, Bush and Kohl meet at the big summit in Cologne.
After the wine and dine they sit down for some relaxed talk.
Kohl says: "In Germany our forests are so big that if you get
lost, you could walk straight ahead for 2 weeks and still be
stuck in the forest!"
Bush replies: "In America, our forests are so big that if you get
lost, you could walk straight ahead for 2 months and still be stuck
in the forest!!!"
Walesa, not being very impressed with what the two gentlemen just
said replies: "In Poland, our foresets are so big that since the
Red Army barged in in 1939, they haven't been able to find their
way out yet!!!!!!!!"
(As a historical note: the Red Army have left Poland, as far
as I know they got their last troops out a couple of years ago.
Maybe it was the new bright star Walesa that guided them out :-) )
_________________________________________
After the Russians landed an automatic probe (Lunakhod) on the Moon... Two
friends meet on a street in Prague:
- Did you hear the great news?!
- ??
- The Russians have landed on the Moon!
- Really? All of them?
Two people working on the Danube Channel (La Canal).
-How long are you in for?
-Fifteen years.
-What did you do?
-Me? Nothing.
-Eh, you are kidding, everybody knows that for
nothing one gets only ten years.
A Radio Erevan listener calls in:
-Dear Radio Erevan. I don't know what's the matter with me.
I don't love the party any more. I feel nothing at all for
Comrade Brezhnev or any of the leaders of the Party.
What should I do?
Radio Erevan answers:
-Please send us your name and adress.
Radio Erevan is asked:
-Was communism invented by politicians or by scientists?
Radio Erevan answers:
-Of course it was invented by politicians. Scientists
would have tested it on monkeys in advance.
The Romanian minister of Transport visits his counterpart
in Russia. He is surprised to see the luxurious haouse and
his rich lifestyle, much more than one would expect for a party
member of his rank.
-How do you manage? he asks.
The Russian minister takes him to the window and asks:
-Do you see that bridge over there?
-Yes.
-Well, that bridge cost one hundred million rubles. And
from such a large sum a little bit comes my way...
A few years later the Russian minister returns the visit.
The Romanian minister has an even more lavish lifestyle.
The Russian asks:
-How do you manage?
-You see that bridge over there?
-What bridge?
-Well, that bridge too cost one hundred million lei.
Brezhnev rehearses for the speech he has to hold at the opening
ceremony of the Moscow Olympic Games in 1980:
- Oooooohhhh.. Ooooooohhh.. Ooooooooohhhh.. Oooooooooohhh.
Ooooooohhh..
His assistant:
- Comrade Brezhnev, these are the olympic circles, you
don't have to read them!
Brezhnev visits Romania. Ceausescu shows him a huge steel plant. Brezhnev:
- Oh, we have bigger ones!
Ceausescu shows him some farm machinery on a nearby field. Brezhnev:
- Oh, we have bigger ones!
A big fly buzzes on the windshield of the official limousine. Brezhnev:
- Oh, we have bigger ones!
After the particularily harsh winter 1984/1985, during which the Romanians
had to endure cold homes and food shortages, Ceausescu held a press conference
for foreign journalists.
One reporter:
- We have a lot of information on an energy crisis that has affected Romania
during this winter and which caused, among other problem, a shortage of
warm water and heating in the homes. What has caused this and what measures
have been taken?
Ceausescu:
- Yes, it is true, we had a lot of problems during the winter because the
huge quantity of snow blocked the rail lines and the coal trains could not
get to the power plants. We had to reduce the amount of energy used for
heating in order to keep the industry running, but nobody died of freezing.
Another reporter:
- We have heared that there are food shortages in Romania and that much food
is exported in order to pay Romania's foreign debt. What can you say about
this?
Ceausescu:
- Yes, it is true, we have certain obligations to fulfill and this means
that we have to export food and this causes shortages,, but nobody has
dies of starvation.
A third reporter:
- Mister Ceausescu, when you saw that both cold and starvation have failed,
why didn't you try nerve gas?
A Georgian gets on a plane flight to Moscow. In the middle of the
flight, another passenger pulls out a gun and demands the pilot fly to Paris.
The Georgian jumps him, beats him silly, and announces "This plane flies to
Moscow, as planned." When he lands, he is awarded a Hero of the Soviet Union
medal. After the ceremony, the KGB interrogates him. "Tell us the truth, why
did you really stop the hijacking?" The Georgian replies "There was no way I
could have sold the oranges I was smuggling in Paris!"
The Georgian man gets on the plane. After the plane takes off, he goes to the
pilot, pulls out a gun a screams: "This plane is going to Tbilisi!!!" The
pilot answers: "Don't worry, this is the flight Moscow - Tbilisi."
"Listen, my dear,"-the Georgian says,-"I've already 6 times took off for
Tbilisy and ended up in Stockgolm!!!"
How a gipsy was kicked out of the Communist Party of Yugoslavia
three times:
In 1949 they told him to take down the picture, and he took down
the wrong one.
In the 50's they asked him why he didn't attend the last Party
meeting to which he answered: "If I'd known that was the last
one I would have been there for sure."
In 1980 he heard that DM 20,000,000 were spent on Tito's
funeral and he commented: "With that sort of money we could
have burried the entire Central Committee!"
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
of ould doderez -- to riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
--
On a Romanian highway, a man was driving a panel truck carrying bowling
balls. While driving along, he saw these two Gypsy kids who had gotten a
flat tire on the bike they were riding around. The trucker felt sorry for
the two, who now had to walk through the countryside, and offered them a
ride. The kids quickly jumped into the back of the truck.
A few kilometers down the road, the trucker had to stop at a weigh station.
Upon weighing, an officer came out of the building and said "You're over
your weight limit by 100 kilos, do you mind if I go back and check out
your cargo?" The trucker responded simply by saying "I'm only carrying
bowling balls." After opening the back door, the stunned officer quickly
slammed the door shut, and ran up to the cab.
"Get the hell out of here!" said the officer, "those aren't bowling balls
you're carrying, those are HARAP eggs... Two's already hatched, and one's
already stolen a bike!"
--
--
MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE
REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the
release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes
will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The
software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same
demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks
Miller Lite.
"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,"
explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently
seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time
is right for the rest of America to get wired!"
Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in
a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music
library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to
the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.
The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does
have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best
roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs
and beer at the click of a mouse.
"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It
thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere,"
he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his
pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on
beer holder for their monitors.
"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill
Gates.
"Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter
video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just
catering to a demand, that's all."
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel
-- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."
--
> THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
>
> One of the fringe benefits of being an English or
> History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a
> student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the
> following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
> student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
> States, from eighth grade through college level. Read
> carefully, and you will learn a lot.
>
> The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.
> They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. The
> climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
> live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated
> by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape
> of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains
> between France and Spain.
>
> The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
> book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
> apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my
> brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount
> Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark.
> Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
> patriarchs but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
> Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites.
>
> Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
> straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
> unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
> David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
> with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
> times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
> porcupines.
>
> Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The
> Greeks invented three kinds of columns. . .Corinthian,
> Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a
> feminine moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
> dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
> Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote
> The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
> Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
> written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
>
> Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
> giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from
> an overdose of wedlock.
>
> In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
> the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor
> was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic
> because people took the law into their own hands. There
> were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that
> they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
> doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
> outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
>
> Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History
> calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place
> for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics
> in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
> battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
> because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was
> a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by
> playing the fiddle to them.
>
> Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the
> Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold
> musterded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of
> Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
> Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta
> provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the
> same offense.
>
> In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
> The greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many
> poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale
> tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
> while standing on his son's head.
>
> The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
> felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was
> nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
> indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
> by a bull. It was the painter, Donatello's interest in the
> female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It
> was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg
> invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
> figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important
> invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
> circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
>
> The government of England was a limited mockery.
> Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an
> abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
> Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
> exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
> "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
> Armadillo.
>
> The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
> Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous
> only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his
> merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In
> one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
> situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
> another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the
> King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
> example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
> Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The
> next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
> Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
>
>
> During the Renaissance America began. Christopher
> Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while
> cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the
> Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the
> Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they
> landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians,
> who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
> The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of
> the Indian heroes were killed along with their capooses,
> which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a
> hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
> were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
>
>
> One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the
> English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would
> send their parcels through the post without stamps. During
> the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
> over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
> crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
> had to pay for taxis.
>
>
> Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
> Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
> Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
> Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
> clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
> He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and
> declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
> Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>
>
> George Washington married Marth Curtis and in due time
> became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the
> United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
> Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
> bare arms.
>
>
> Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
> Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
> cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was
> President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion
> there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg
> Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
> back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing
> the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
> gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clu Clux Clan
> would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
> victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the
> night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got
> shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
> show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
> supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
>
>
> Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
> time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book
> called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is
> chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
> falling off the trees.
How to program in "C"
---------------------
1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
quite understand.
"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
How to debug a "C" program.
---------------------------
1] If at all possible, don't, let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is usefull, but this is probably
unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix
the bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you
look bad.
Subject: Shallow Thoughts of Supermodels
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh
my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from
behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my
cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON PSYCHOLOGY
"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she
liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with
low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more
particular about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis
ON GEOPOLITICS
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all
night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks
ON DEATH
"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help
it."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't
seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in
volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him,
'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
ON INTRODUCTIONS
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able
to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington
ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that
I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when
women are nearby."
-- Fabio
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz
>From the offices of Guiltless Advertising Inc.
The following companies contacted our advertising agency today
expressing their desires to sponsor a world famous celebrity
who was recently cleared of 2 murders.
The new sponsors who wish to have O J Simpson represent
them are:
GINZU KNIVES
Manufacturers of the worlds sharpest blades.
Advances in technology not only allow us to produce
the sharpest knives available today but after 50 quick
slashes the knives automatically self destruct and
disappear into thin air.
THE MONOPOLY COMPANY
Exclusive manufactures and distributors of the world famous
"Get out of jail free" card.
JOHNNY COCHRAN ENTERPRISES INC.
Now, you too can enjoy the priviliges of being guilty and
for $5 million we guarantee you a not guilty verdict.
FORD BRONCO
Escape to freedom in a Bronco
BLOOMINGDALES
Retailers of the best gloves in the world. Guaranteed
to shrink after wearing them once.
Ideal for use in robberies, breaking and entering,
murders or other applications where fingerprints may be
undesirable.
THE NEW MARK FUHRMAN DAYTIME TV SHOW
Without OJ nobody would know me. I owe it all
to this fine outstanding member of society. I
wish all my friends were as innocent as he is.
THE GEORGIA PACIFIC PAPER COMPANY
We make the worlds finest paper. Ideal for
fake suicide notes.
I found this on a wall at Iowa State University.
************************************************************************
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a swit
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
TASTELESS SPACE SHUTTLE JOKES
_________________________________________________________________
The loss of the Space Shuttle Orbiter Challenger during Shuttle
Mission 51-L was a loss to the nation, however as in all things human,
to make light of a situation strives to heal the wounds caused by it.
WARNING: Some of these jokes are rather tasteless, you have been
warned.
Sorry =-( *gene*
_________________________________________________________________
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.
Now Accepting Seven Applications.
How many Astronauts can you fit in a Volkswagon?
14. 3 in the front, 4 in the back, 7 in the ashtrays.
Why was the Challenger Accident like an old TV show?
Because it started off as Star Trek, but ended up as Voyage to
the Bottom of the Sea.
What was the first transmission made by mission control after the
explosion?
No, Bud Light.
What is grosser then finding glass in your baby food?
Finding Astronauts in your tunafish.
Why do the NASA technicians drink Coke?
Because they can't get seven-up.
How do we know that Christa McAuliffe had dandruff?
We found her head and shoulders.
Why didn't the shuttle crew shower before takeoff?
They preferred to wash up on shore.
What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before boarding the
shuttle?
"Honey, you feed the dogs, I'll feed the fish."
What was the last thing that went through Christa McAuliffe mind?
Two inches of steel.
What was the last transmission received from the Challenger?
"I wonder what this button does?"
How do we know that Christa McAuliffe had blue eyes?
Because one blew this way, and one blew that way.
From here on suggested by readers of this page.
What did Christa McCauliff's husband do during the summer after the
Challenger explosion?
Look for a piece of ass on the beaches of Florida.
> Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory,
> being sized up by St. Peter.
>
> "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to
> send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
> by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
> created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never
> done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want
> to go."
>
> Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"
>
> St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if
> it will help your decision."
>
>
> "Fine, but where should I go first?"
>
> "I'll leave that up to you."
>
> "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
>
> So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
> clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in
> the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
> temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
>
> "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to
> see heaven!"
>
> "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
>
> Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
> playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
> Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
>
>
> "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
>
> "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
>
> So Bill Gates went to Hell.
>
> Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to
> see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
> shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being
> burned and tortured by demons.
>
> "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
>
> Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
> "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks
> ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other
> place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in
> the water?!???
>
> "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?
Father: Sure son. What's the question?
Son: What is Politics?
Father : Well, lets take our home for example. I am a wage earner, so
lets call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so
we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call
you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your
baby brother we can call "The Future". Do you understand , Son?
Son : I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his
diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound
asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole,
he saw his father in the bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went
totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his
room and went back to his sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. Dad, now i think i
understand what politics is.
Father : Good Son. Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son : Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored
and the Future is full of crap.
>>A father and his young son are shopping in a drug store, when
>> they walk through the family planning section. Seeing a three-pack
>> container of condoms, the boy asks, "Daddy, what are these?"
>> The father replies, "Those are for high school students ... one
>> for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."
>> His son says, "Oh, OK," and they continue on.
>> Then the boy spots as six-pack of condoms, and asks the same
>> question."Those are for college students," the father answers. "Two for
>> Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday night."
>> Finally the son sees a 12-pack container, and again asks for an
>> explanation. "Those are for graduate students," the father explains.
>> "One for January, one for February, one for March...."
>
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when their camel
keeled over dead.
They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up hope of being
rescued.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to
die, and there's always been one thing I've been curious about--what a
woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?"
The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take off
her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about
it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your
clothes, too?"
With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If I
put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well, for Lord's sake!" responded the nun, "Forget about me. Stick it
in the damn camel and let's get out of here!"
What's the best birthcontrol after 50?
Getting naked!
LETTERMAN'S TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE,
BUT AREN'T:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag
6. I want it on my desk, NOW|
5. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM........ I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
...AND THE NUMBER 1 THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY AT THE OFFICE,
BUT
ISN'T...
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.
>A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge
> > dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon
> > the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis,
> > 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
> >
> > The small guy faints.
> >
> > The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to,
> > slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy,
> > "What's wrong with you?"
> >
> > The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
> >
> > The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
> > penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
> >
> > The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
>
After etensive research and in response of questions
about Fax transmission, the folloing summary is provided:
Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
R: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q: My parents say that they never had fax when they were young and
were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21.
How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A:Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct
procedures.
Q: IF I fax myself will I go blind?
R: Certainly not, as far as we can see!
Q: There is a place on our street where one can go and pay to fax.
Is this legal?
A: Yes, Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must
pay a professional when their needs to fax becomes too great.
Q:Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover
should be use to ensure safe fax.
Q: What happens when I correctly do the prcedure and I fax
prematurely?
A:Don' t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven' t
faxed for a long time. Just relax and start over, most people won't
mind if you try again.
Q: I have a personal and a bussiness fax. Can transmissions become
mixed up?
A: Being be- faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover
with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Little Johnny gad some sex questions for his father, "Dad, what does 'pussy'
mean?"
The father took the little boy up to his stidy room and get out a Playboy
magazine. He openrd the book to the centerfold and too got out an ink pen.
He drew a small circle inthe appropiate place and told Jonny, "See, that
circle,
everythinc inside the circle is a pussy.'
"Oh," said Johnny.
"One more thing, what is bitch?"
"Well", said the father, "see, that little circle? A 'bitch' is everything
otside the circle if it doesn't give you what is inside the circle..."
A vary naive Southern girl come home after her first trip to New York
and told her equally sheltered friend what she had learn there.
"Did you know, that up north, men kiss other men... down there...
between the legs?
"No!!' her friend gasped. "What do you call them?"
"You call them' homosexuals.' That's what they call them. And they also
have women who kiss other women.. down there!"
"You are kidding! W hat do they call them?"
"You call them lesbians. And they even have men who kiss women... down
there also!!!"
"Well, I' ll be.What in heaven's name do you call them?"
"You call them 'Darling'.'
Where to Publish Your Paper
1) If you understand it and can prove it, then send it
to a journal of mathematics.
2) If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send
it to a physics journal.
3) If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then
send it to an economics journal.
4) If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then
send it to a psychology journal.
5) If it attempts to make something important out of
something trivial, then send it to a journal of
education.
6) If it attempts to make something trivial out of some-
thing important, send it to a journal of metaphysics.
There are three kinds of researchers: Those who can do math and
those who cannot. --Tom Rusk Vickery
In case you need a tagline, here are a few to choose from.
>
> "Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
> "I think not," said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.
> "MEOW"...SPLAT..."RUFF"...SPLAT...(Raining cats & dogs)
> 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
> 9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.
> 98% of all statistics are useless
> A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
> A clear conscience is usually the result of bad memory.
> A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
> A KGB keyboard has no key!
> A social life? From what board can I download THAT?
> Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
> Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.
> Aibohphobia - The fear of palindromes
> Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
> All men are born equal. The tough job is to outgrow it.
> All our tag lines are busy at the moment.
> All power corrupts, but we NEED electricity.
> Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
> Always forgive your enemies. They hate it!
> Alzheimers is very..ah...uh.....uh.....um
> Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.
> Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key
> Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.
> As my grandfather had said in his last words, "A TRUCK!"
> As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself!"
> At a nude wedding everybody can see who the bestman is.
> Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
> Back Up My Hard Drive? Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
> Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner.
> Be careful with that saw!, Tom said offhandedly.
> Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
> Behind every successful man - a surprised mother-in-law.
> California does have its faults.
> Call it a hunch - Quasimodo.
> Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
> Celibacy is not hereditary.
> Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
> Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.
> Clones are people two.
> code code code code eat code code code sleep code code...
> Common sense is the least common of all senses.
> Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
> Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
> Computers can never replace human stupidity.
> Conservatism is the worship of dead revolutions.
> Copper wire: Invented by lawyers arguing over a penny.
> Corruption. The most infallible symptom of liberty
> CRUISING: 19200bps modem and 0.5bps fingers!
> Crusoe got everything done by Friday. Can you?
> Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean
> Daddy! What does UNREGISTERED mean??
> Death MAY ease tension, researchers report.
> Death: The unfortunate side effect of attacking a cop.
> Dentist : he lives from hand to mouth.
> Dermatologists make rash judgments.
> Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
> Diarrhea is hereditary; it runs in your genes.
> Diplomacy: Saying 'nice doggy'... until you find a rock.
> Do I smoke after sex? I never looked.
> Do not believe anything I haven't said
> Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
> Don't you just hate it when they verbify nouns?
> Drive A: not responding. Formatting C: instead.
> Driving Lesson One: Shiny side up; rubber side down.
> Egotist: a person of low taste. more interested in himself than
me.
> Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself.
> Every minute you are angry wastes 60 happy seconds.
> Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
> Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die
> Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
> Everything coming your way? You're in the wrong lane!
> Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower.
> Experience is the comb life gives you after you're bald.
> Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want!
> Fact: Most criminals were raised by heterosexual parents.
> Famous last words: 'You saw a WHAT around the corner?!'
> Fellow with closed mind often has open mouth.
> Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity
> File Not Found. Loading something that looks similar.
> File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
> Fish and guests smell in three days.
> For Sale. Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
> Funny, only sensible people agree with me.
> Go ahead, jump. 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
> God is Dead - Nietzsche ::: Nietzsche is Dead - God
> God? Well, first of all, She's black.
> Good printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
> Have I found God? What? Did you lose him AGAIN?!
> He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.
> He who loses his head is usually the last one to miss it.
> He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
>hands.
> Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
> Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
> Help stamp out philatelists.
> Heredity is what sets parents of a teenager wondering about each
>other.
> Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch?
> Honest, teacher! A virus REALLY did eat my homework!
> How to solve Mideast problems: DEL IRA*.*
> I am free of prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
> I am schizophrenic, and so am I.
> I don't eat snails. I prefer fast food.
> I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
> I drank WHAT!?" - Socrates
> I got lost in thought. It was an unfamiliar territory.
> I have great faith in agnosticism.
> I just took an IQ test. The results were negative.
> I must hurry, for there they go and I am their leader.
> I still miss my wife - but my aim is improving!
> I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious.
> I think, therefore I am overqualified...
> I think, therefore I am, I think
> I think I think, therefore I think I am. I think.
> I think I will plan being spontaneous tomorrow
> I used to be a coyote, but I'm alright nooooooooooooooow!
> I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not sure....
> I was a banker, but lost interest
> I will defend to the death everyones right to my opinion!
> I wish I could remember where I parked my hard disk.
> I'm a lawyer." "Honest?" "No, the usual kind."
> I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
> I'm just visiting. My REAL planet is sane.
> I'm losing my thought of train....
> I'm lost in a Batch of BATs.
> I'm neither for, nor against apathy
> I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
> I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am!
> If it walks out of your refrigerator, LET IT GO!
> If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Mexican name?
> If love is blind, how does love at first sight work?
> If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
> If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
> If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
> If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
> If you see an onion ring ... answer it!_
> If you think you have no faults, that makes one.
> If your parents didn't have children, odds are that you won't
>either.
> In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal
> In God we trust; all others pay cash.
> In the end, gravity wins -- Dolly Parton.
> Individualists unite!
> Insufficient resources : insert wallet into drive A:
> Iraqi rifle for sale. Never fired. Dropped once.
> Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
> Is that a banana in your pocket, or you happy to see me?
> Is that Hemorrhoids or am I sitting on a bunch of grapes?
> It's not how old you are but how you are old.
> It's probably a bad day when you find a dead fish in your
>underwear.
> Jesus Christ! Close the door! Were you born in a barn!?!?
> Jesus was a Jew, but only on his mother's side.
> JJoohhnn,, wwhhaatt ddooeess AAlltt--EE ddoo??
> Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.
> Jury: A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
> Keyboard not attached. Press F10 to continue
> Keyboard not found, think "F10" to continue.
> Last words of Socrates: "I drank WHAT?!?!"
> Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
> Let your fingers do the talking.
> Let's see your tagline hunting permit, sir.
> Life is a dildo;long,hard,and plastic,but occasionally fun.
> Life is a sexually transmitted and terminal disease.
> Life is full of undocumented features!
> Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.
> Life would be easier if I had the source code.
> Life...MTBF?
> Listen to sermon, THEN eat missionary!
> Long live the C64! G-g-guys? I was only kiddin,
> Look at the docs? Nah, nurses are much better looking
> Love thy neighbour - but don't get caught!
> LSD: Virtual reality without the expensive hardware!
> Make a difference in the world today: Subtract
> Many are cold but few are frozen.
> Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
> Maybe there's something wrong with the Universe.
> Me, indecisive? I'm not so sure about that.
> Middle age:When your age starts showing at your middle!
> Mind if I clean my fly swatter over your soup?
> Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting.
> Modem not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)oto bed?
> Modem sex begins with a handshake.
> Money talks: Mine says goodbye!
> My computer's sick and I think my modem is a carrier
> My floppy got excited. Now it's a hard disk.
> My Hard Disk went on a diet and lost it's FAT
> No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
> On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
> Once I thought I was wrong - but I was mistaken
> One atom bomb can ruin your whole day
> Optical mice have no balls!
> Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how was the parade?
> OUCH!... Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper.
> Paranoia: Believing this tagline is about you.
> Part-time musicians are semiconductors
> Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
> Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue
> Press F13 to continue
> Psychic Convention cancelled due to unforeseen problems
> Psychotherapist is also Psycho The Rapist
> Questions, questions! Does it ever end?!
> Radioactive cats have 18 half lives.
> Reality is nothing but a collective hunch
> Reality.Sys Corrupted - Unable To Recover Universe
> REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
> Reasoning, Circular: See Circular Reasoning
> Recursive (ro-k{r-sov) adj. See 'recursive.'
> Reformat Hard Drive! Are you SURE (Y/Y)?
> Save a Planet. Collect all 9.
> Success lies in achieving the top of the foodchain.
> Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism
> Support your local Police Depart.!! Bribe a cop.
> Swords to Ploughs? Wouldn't they be small?
> Sybil was a multi-user
> Tabloid: A newspaper with a permanent crime wave.
> Tact is knowing how far to go in going too far.
> Tagline dropped due to budget cuts.
> Tagline For Sale CHEAP. Insert $1.00 into drive A:.
> Tagline Lotto: __________<- Scratch here to reveal prize.
> Taglines are the bumper stickers of the '90s.
> Taglines are the restroom wall of the Net.
> Taglines--A place to dry wet tags.
> Taglines...one line freedom of speech!
> Take my advice, I don't need it.
> Taken as a whole, the universe is absurd
> Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
> Telecommunications is a bit far fetched.
> Telepathy is minding someone else's business.
> That's not line noise--my modem's speaking in tongues!
> The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m/s2
> The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
> The cost of feathers has risen,now even DOWN is UP!
> The days of the digital watch are numbered
> The Light at the End of the Tunnel Could be a flame thrower.
> The seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
> The subliminal message for today is.
> The worst thing about censorship is __________.
> There IS intelligent life in the universe... It ignores us...
> There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.
> They talk of my drinking but never of my thirst.
> This note edited for the ironically impaired.
> This tagline only uses recycled keystrokes
> Time flies like the wind; fruit flies prefer bananas
> To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
> To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady!
> Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes
> Try our new dehydrated water! Just add ...uh...er...
> Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
> Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
> Unrecoverable system error at 417A:32CF. Incompetent user
> Use tasteful words, You might have to eat them.
> Vuja De - The Feeling You've Never Been Here
> Warning! COLDBEER.CAN found, programmer probably loaded.
> Warning: this computer makes hexist remarks!
> We gave our organs to science and plan to do the same with our
>piano.
> Wear a smile: it increases your face value.
> When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
> Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
> Whoever goes to psychiatrist should have his head examined
> Why does DOS never say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
> Women DO come with instructions. Just ask them!
> Women fake orgasm, Men fake foreplay.
> Xerox never comes up with anything original.
> You're only young once. You're immature forever.
> You're the reason my dog is pregnant, aren't you?!
>
>
Politically correct usage when talking to/about females:
She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have:
A KILLER BODY
She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a:
PERFECT 10
She is:
NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not:
EASY
She is:
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have:
SEXY LIPS
She is:
COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get:
DRUNK
She is:
ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not:
A GOSSIP
She is a:
VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not:
WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have:
A GREAT BUTT
She is:
GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never:
GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:
A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not:
SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have:
A HARD BODY
She is:
ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never:
SAG
They will:
LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not:
SNORE
She is:
NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not:
GET DRUNK
She becomes:
VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have:
BIG HOOTERS
Her:
CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not:
TOO SKINNY
She is:
SKELETALLY PROMINENT
--------------------------------------------------
Silicon Valley startup Google.com says its search
engine is based on a patent-pending technology that
"performs an objective measurement of the importance
of Web pages and is calculated by solving an equation
of 500 million variables and more than 2 billion terms."
How, then, to explain this: A reader's search for the
phrase "more evil than Satan himself" returned
Microsoft's home page as the first result.
Try it! It works!
Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast?
They're hiring.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage,
along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t
These two eggs had just been married and were on
their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the
female egg
pushed the male egg away and said "I just have to go
to the
bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she
went.
Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife
walk out in a
slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her
smooth, ovally body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top
of his head,
covering it completely. The female egg looked at
him and asked
what he was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard,
someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room. The first kid
leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils
out and I'm a little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry
about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when
you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when
I was born.
I couldn't walk for a year!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a
bar. They're having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice
place. Then the Irishman
says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come
from, back in Dublin,
there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a
drink, you buy another
drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third
drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but
where I come from,
there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's
this place called Vinny's.
At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.
You buy anudda drink,
Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?
Where I come from,
there's this place called Warshowski's. At
Warshowski's, they buy your
first drink, they buy your second drink, they buy
your third drink, and
then,
they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did
that actually happen to
you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my
sister!"
Subject: Emails
Here is a good one!
Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last
name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to
either the beginning or
end to make up an e-mail address..
For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or
fergusml. They are just now
beginning to realize the problems that may happen
when you have a large
and diverse pool of people to choose from.. Add to
that a large database
of company/college Acronyms and you have some very
funny addresses.
Probably not funny to the individual involved,
however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) -
eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of
Pennsylvania) -
dickinme@iup.edu
8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -
kissinfk@lvu.edu
7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) -
aspicker@pu.edu
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -
ibballin@bsu.edu
5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical,
Northern Division,
Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) -
ihadcock@tru.com
3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) -
cumminme@fu.edu
2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers &
Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
..but at No 1, it had to be...
1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)
-
beeranbj@myplace.com
---------------------------------
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells,
"PIG"!!
The man immediately leans out his window and replies,
"BITCH"!!
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner,
he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen!
Things that sound dirty, except at Tanksgiving
===============================================
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
"Let's do it in the Dinning room"
Art Humor
=========
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from
the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security,
getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away
when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such
a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, (if you have groans,
prepare to groan them now): "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."
'Twas the Night Before Y2K
==========================
'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think They were snug in their beds
Others had visions Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server, There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter.
But he was away, So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes Should I see?
My good old Mac Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq, And Pentium too!
All processors big, All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!
All the controls That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath And was turning around,
Out through the modem, He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur, And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus, Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him Though my hard drive
stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink,
All things electronic Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption, Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty cry, Happy Y2K to
all, Kiss your PCs goodbye!
Married Women
=============
1. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
apart.
2. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
3. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
4. Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
5. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
6. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"
7. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has
rested.
8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.
9. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every
country, son.
10. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Not So Phat Pig
===============
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and
next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice
bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says "Yeah" The cop
says "Well next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on the bike." The cop
proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a
nice horse you have there Did Santa bring that to you?" Hmoring the kid, the
cop says "Yeah, he sure did. "The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Perfect Man
===========
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
No Food For Me
==============
The woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast -- bacon and eggs,
perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit? Coffee?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup,
maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of
milk?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite."
Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and
buy him a burger supper. Maybe a steak pie? Perhaps he'd like a pizza
microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite."
"Well", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"
The Spinster
============
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she
wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist
suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to
come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived
alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it
be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the
spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The
lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets
and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have
$40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on.
I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral
that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone
who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what
would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone
almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you
to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what
I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric
spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do
around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband
to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over
tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he
went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come
out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened,
the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to
let the County bury her!"
How to Identify Where a Driver is From
======================================
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of
traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling
cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk
to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake,
mind on radio game: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet
being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out
the windoW: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans
on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
FLORIDA
Starting a Group
================
Rabbi Goldman walks into a shul in Tel Aviv, and says to the first manhe
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Rabbi." The Rabbi
said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the Rabbi asked the
second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the Rabbi. Then the Rabbi
walked up to Finklestein and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Finklestein said, "No, I don't Rabbi." The Rabbi said, "I don't believe this.
You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Finklestein said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
Anger Direction
===============
A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him
to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his room, there's
a nude girl lying on the bed. He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and
says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with
you." The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you
going? I'm not angry at you."
IRS & Donations
===============
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the
rabbi. He is shown into the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. Rabbi, I
believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that
he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
A Second Chance
===============
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same
synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying
out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for
the wall!"
Florist Mistake
===============
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him
flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card, "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the
florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the
florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than
getting angry you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
'Congratulations on your new location'"
Cute Name Calling
=================
A guy was invited to some long time friends' home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My
Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple
had been married almost 70 years.
While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's
wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you
still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten
years ago."
Falling Death
=============
A Woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium
when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his
arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you give
head?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you
screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she
was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw! I'll do any and everything you sexually desire!!" she
screamed in panic.
The man replied, "Slut," and dropped her...
Proverbs for the Millennium
===========================
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more that you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like "http://www.home.com"
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him use the Net and he
won't bother you for weeks.
Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills
===========================
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there
with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it
in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for
me? Thank You."
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener
==============================
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they
mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney On Cripes
=====================
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You
think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Andy Rooney On Pregnancy
========================
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God.
He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over
there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do
that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long
now..."
Andy Rooney On Grandma
======================
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.
Andy Rooney On Prisons
======================
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to
the generator.
Andy Rooney On Award Shows
==========================
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for
commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it
and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls
=============================
You know those shows where people call in vote on different issues? Did you
ever notice always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to
call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up
looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're
not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say
"I'm not in the mood."
Andy Rooney On Answering Machine
================================
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering
machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you
are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' " " Beep." "Uh,
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your
test is back. Stop sharing the love."
Why Jews Like Chineese Food
===========================
A study was done by Harvard as to why Jewish women liked Cinese food. They
concluded it was beacause "won ton" spelled backwards is "not now".
Like Eating at the Foo Man Choo Buffet
======================================
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch,"
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms.
They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep when a big fat tom cat snuck up and
gobbled them up.
As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,
"I love baskin' robins
A Better Question For Ya
========================
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had
sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20
years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of
the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the
lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets
completely upset. You impotent bastard!" she screams at him, "How could you
be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!" The husband
looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if
you can explain our three kids
A Hot Chick Can Do Anything She Wants
=====================================
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub somewhere in
Idaho. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close
to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?"
she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't." breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies
room."
Penny Drinks
============
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny!?" exclaimed the guy. The
barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!"
exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies,
"Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The
bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Bar Trick
=========
Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between them. One
of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby and had a sudden
inspiration. He spent the dollar on the hot dog. He threw the bun away, and
stuffed the hot dog down his underwear. "We're gonna walk into the bar and
order beers and drink them down. When the bartender asks for the payment, I'm
gonna stick this hot dog out of my fly. You are gonna drop to your knees and
start sucking on it. The bartender will be so grossed out that he'll
immediately throw us out of the bar," said the long winded lad.
They entered a bar and the gambit worked like a charm. After the seventh bar,
they were both extremely drunk. One of them started complaining, "Sheesh, I'm
starting to get bad bruises from dropping down on my knees." His companion
slurred, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog about four bars ago!"
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